He doesn't need me

[sabby64]

My SO has only had one girlfriend before me, and went through all of high school and college alone. I on the other hand, had relationships all through high school, including one boyfriend who I was with for over two years, who shared an apartment and bills with me. I am very used to having someone there all the time, and so some nights the loneliness really gets to me.

Brandon says he can't relate to how I'm feeling because he's always been on his own, and he doesn't feel the same way I do because he couldn't care less if he was in a relationship. He says he doesn't need anyone else to be happy, and having someone else there for him is weird. He doesn't understand why him not being here is affecting me so much because he doesn't feel a difference whether I'm there or not. He says it's great that I'm here, but it wouldn't really matter if I wasn't.

I don't know if he meant for it to sound really hurtful, but it did. I don't know what to do with this. I feel as if noone in life really cares if I'm here or not, because all of my old friends are gone, and the only one who ever actively talks to me is my mom. I haven't been able to make any friends here and the loneliness is unbearable. All I want is for someone to need me, to feel as if I'm really worth something to someone, and after what he said, I don't know if Brandon really gives two damns if I even talk to him.

I don't remember the point of this post. All I know is I'm about to pack up and go home. University is the worst decision I have ever made.

[machstx]

im tearing up just reading this. i can really relate. i have no real friends where i moved too as well. and my bf doesnt really struggle with the distance. im learning to make myself happy being alone. ive always been in a relationship as well and have lived with 2 of my past bf as well. i think its really important you tell your bf how you took his words. guys dont think before they speak. when i feel like this i always think of that saying if you cant make yourself happy no one can...its awful i know but makes sense. i hope this helps you should add me on fb so we can chat and be friends lol my email is machstx@yahoo.com

[OliveOyl]

You remind me of myself when I was younger. I don't mean that in a condescending way at all, btw! BUT, I used to be reaaalllly dependent on other people to make myself happy. But over the years, and bad relationship after bad relationship, losing friends, etc. I really don't have to many friends, I don't get along with most people, I'll be honest. Well, I get along with everyone, but I only have FEW very close friends, that I trust completely, and keep in contact with.

BUT, after going to counseling, because of yet another terrible break-up, I realized being dependent on other people to make me happy is not healthy for me, personally speaking. You really do have to be happy and content with yourself, alone. Because I don't think you can really make another person happy if you yourself are not happy, you know. This is something I keep having to remind myself to make myself happy first, everyday, its really hard.

BUT, just remember WHY you chose to go to college? I don't know why you did actually, but hopefully it was to better your future, etc. Join a club or something at school, sounds super cheesy, but it helps you meet other people with your similar interests. I still have trouble making friends, lol, but you have to be willing to open up and try. As for feeling bummed about your boyfriend, hmm, I know sometimes I have to cry because I just miss him so much and it sucks, because he doesn't get like I do. He is very busy with other things.

So, people just don't deal with emotional stress the same way. Luckily, when I am weak, my boyfriend is always so strong and there to be encouraging, and helps me think about the "big picture". At the very least, I think your SO should be sympathetic. He may not understand personally why you get so emotional, but he should be willing to listen, but you have to communicate your feelings, your stress, your worries. I sure hope you two work out your hiccup!

[MrsExPrez]

First off, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I'm sorry he was insensitive towards you.

That being said, my boyfriend is sort of like that as well. Although he has put a very frustrating spin on it. He says he DOES need me and does desire me and cherish me more than anyone else on this Earth, but he is constantly reminding himself that he needs to keep a guard up to protect his heart. That everyone goes away in the end. Some days are harder than others to talk him down from it! It's a self destructive way of thinking in my personal opinion.

But enough about me. As for you and your situation, maybe you should take the time to focus on yourself and your emotions and try to discover what is missing from your own happiness that other people are filling temporarily. It's not very healthy to be so dependent on someone else, even though it happens to the great majority of us, even I as we speak! I am texting angrily because I haven't been responded to, haha.

Also, even though it can be maddening at times, men are just logical creatures. They are much different than women. We are emotional. Not to say that both sexes don't have the opposite trait either, because clearly they do, and there are always exceptions to the rule, but in most cases this is the norm. Men express their devotion and love in a different way than we do. Also remember though that if your needs simply are not being met at all, as hard as it may be - this guy could possibly not be the right one for you.

Sorry I went on and on forever. Hoped this helped!

[Miramaid]

I am the same way and I feel like that a lot! I realize that a lot of it has to do with my low self esteem and I need to work on it. The only thing that helps when I feel so down is talking to my family or friends on a phone for an hour or two.
I am not sure how men are but apparently it is only at first, in the begging of the relationships they feel a need to be all over you and then once they know you are there, they back off. My BF too can handle the distance pretty well and doesn't seem to be affected by it as much as I do. OR may be he jsut puts that mask that he is a strong man and all that. Yes it is confusing for me too and can hurt sometimes and feels like they are ok without you anyways, why keep me at all? But there were otehr times when I felt like he needed me and tho there were people closer to him, he would lean to me for support... I do not know. Lately I have been confused myself about the whole relationship thing and it seems to be a trend with everyone: so many break ups on here and around me with my friends, it is not even funny. IT must be something with the Moon or the way the planets are, coz I do not have any other explanation for why everyone around is having problems.

[Miramaid]

do not quit college tho, you will regret it later on, believe me.

[snow_girl]

I have the same views as your boyfriend. I have always been extremely independent and perfectly content on my own. I don't NEED my boyfriend, but I WANT him. If we were to break up yea it would be hard because I love him very much but I would carry on and be okay.

I would try not to take it the wrong way. He is after all in a LDR with you which is a huge commitment. I do not NEED to talk to my SO everyday, but the days I get to I am excited for.

I am sorry he hurt you. I don't need to be in your shoes to understand what its like to feel alone. But I would maybe talk to him to see if he would clarify what he meant. Sometimes people are not good at getting a point across the right way. I know how your bf feels and it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

[mllebamako]

I was so sad to read this...I really relate to it on the friendship/loneliness level. I really struggled in high school and college to find true friendships and I ended up spending a lot of time alone. And although I learned to be alone and dependent on myself, I am still sometimes lonely living here in a new place with no friends.

Tell your boyfriend how much his words hurt you. I'm guessing that he was just trying to explain why he couldn't relate to you and it didn't come across right. I get it...I am happy to be in a relationship and I really WANT to be near my SO. But it's not something I NEED. I am not dying from the long distance, I am not even struggling that much with it. But that doesn't mean I don't love him more than anything and truly want to be by his side. I think that's probably how your boyfriend feels.
Talk to him...you'll feel better.

[Silviar]

I think everyone's said some very wonderful, helpful things. I just wanted to encourage you to stay in college. Leaving college isn't going to change his attitude or make things magically better for you - it'll just trade one set of problems for another, and if you end up not providing for your future as well as your immediate needs, there's a very good chance you'll regret it. *hugs*

I had problems making friends in college, too. A lot of people view college as transitory friendship time. Why don't you get yourself involved in a few things and make some colleagues that way? Not all friendships are forever, no matter what part of life you're in - not even necessarily the ones at home.

[Rugger]

I'm gunna be a little blunt here. He's right. He doesn't need you to be happy and to tell you the truth, You don't NEED him to be happy either. What you NEED to do is be able to make yourself happy. My boyfriend is the same way, I know he doesn't need me to be happy. He wants me though and being with me makes him happy, which I'm guessing is the case with your SO. Dependence in a relationship is unhealthy, sweetie. I don't think he was saying it to hurt you, he was just saying that he didn't feel the same way as you.

As for college, I was miserable after my first semester away. I was homesick, and lonely and got my heart broken. I wanted to transfer. My parents convinced me to stay another semester. I'm so happy they made me. I made friends because I joined clubs and got involved on my campus. If I hadn't gone out and made an effort, I wouldn't have my SO. Get involved. Join clubs. Give it the good old college try.

[lucybelle]

I am happy to be in a relationship and I really WANT to be near my SO. But it's not something I NEED. I am not dying from the long distance, I am not even struggling that much with it. But that doesn't mean I don't love him more than anything and truly want to be by his side. I think that's probably how your boyfriend feels.
Talk to him...you'll feel better.

I agree with mllebamako here. Just the other day my SO and I were talking and he was telling me that this long distance relationship was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. I was like whaaaaaaa...??? I mean yes I miss him, yes I love him, yes I wish he were here, and yes I have had breakdowns and sad nights with him so far away. But the hardest thing ever? Good god no! I think the problem here is the way your SO worded his response. It is in a hurtful way, but don't get mad because of the message.

And as far as school goes-- I know people keep encouraging you to stay, but if you hate it because you don't think it's going anywhere or you know it's not right for you (not just the friends issue), then LEAVE. I have a ton of friends who have left college and are happier. But if you leave school, don't just sit around the house and work at the Dairy Queen. Go do something AWESOME. Go to another country, go on a road trip, get an awesome internship in a new place... SOMEthing to broaden yourself.

Good luck.

[Moon]

I'm sure he didn't intend for his words to be taken the way they were, but he was being truthful with you. Some people are simply more independent than most, and it sounds like your BF is one of those. There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't mean he loves you any less, he just doesn't rely on anyone else for his own happiness. That's a good and healthy thing, it means he's with you because he WANTS to be, he chooses to spend his time with you because that's what he likes, not because of any co-dependent, dysfunctional reasons. You never have to doubt his reasons for being around, you know?

Both me and my SO are like that, and we've both lived with other people, shared the bills, etc. That didn't change us in any way, and I don't think how many partners you've had really affects this much. I never have to question why we're together or our feelings for each other. I don't need my SO and he doesn't need me, and to be honest, its such a relief. We want each other, we're choosing this Just realize that he's an independent spirit, and there isn't much that can change that, then decide if its something you can live with or not.

(Don't leave school, you'll really regret it later.)