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**MrsExPrez** · January 30, 2011, 02:30 AM

No, you are not being selfish for desiring to have your needs met emotionally.

BUT, I would take the time to acknowledge and appreciate the fact that your parents are just looking out for your best interests. They can be annoying, but try to remind yourself how awesome it is to have people that want the best for you. And worry for you. And care about you. It's very sweet.

That being said, if you have ruminated over this for quite some time, and know that all of this is what you truly want, then I say go for it. Have an open honest conversation with them about it, and tell them how you feel. Do not get defensive! Be open to their opinions, even if they do not agree with yours. Maybe talk to your dad about ways you can stay close, like skype? Visits?

Hope I helped. Best of luck!

**OliveOyl** · January 30, 2011, 02:31 AM

oh honey! you ARE being selfish, BUT selfish is sometimes something you HAVE to be (its a goood selfishness)! I went through the same thing this summer (i only mean going against my parents wishes--not the other stuff). And, well, at first it stung them a little bit, but eventually, once they saw that I could be off on my own and okay (i only went on vacation--lol) then were able to relax and breathe a bit.

They are overprotective because they are your parents and they love you! Thats all, they don't want to lose you (distance wise) because they raised you for 20 years, but at the end of the day, they know they wont be there forever to protect you from everything, and you too, know that you are going to end up having your own life sans parents at some point. I am also sure they think they will miss out on a lot on your future babies growing up, which could be hard. Talk it out with them & find a good balance of head and heart!!

**machstx** · January 30, 2011, 02:47 AM

no. i think you know your not being selfish somewhere deep in your heart. my advice is make sure you finish school. security is important. and the rest...go with your heart! live your life with your parents advice in your head but without them in your head

**nicole** · January 30, 2011, 03:10 AM

It might look that way to your parents, but you can't live your life to please others, you have to make yourself happy, and deep down, your parents know that too. It's just hard to let go. I think you should maybe just tell them how you're feeling, and that living in England will make you miserable.

I've made it quite clear to my parents from the first second that I will not be living in England, I am moving to America and that's what will make me happy. I know my Mum is upset about it, but she supports my decision in the end. I also let them know how grateful I am, and that I will make time every week to talk to them, though I know it's not the same. Your parents only want you to be happy, just understand how difficult it will be for them; that is why they want you to stay here in England. I think most parents hate it when their children marry and move somewhere else in the country, think how your parents must feel about you marrying and moving to Australia!

The only thing you can be with them is honest- tell them your plans, what you want and make them feel as included as possible!

**FadedSunrise** · January 30, 2011, 03:52 AM

I have to say I totally understand this conflict of thinking! @_@ All too well. I too struggle between being grateful of, loving, and wanting to show that I am appreciative of the parents by following their wishes-and then the things that are becoming solely my own opinions. Which I am beginning to find will quite possibly never match with theirs.

My filial devotion plus a giant dose of my ever present desire to doubt and overthink made me agree to do as they said and break up but remain friends. However, my heart is beginning to have other ideas...I don't know where this will take me yet.

**KiwiLove** · January 30, 2011, 04:04 AM

Hey girl! I know exactly what your talking about. I have told you a little how it is for me...pretty much all the same with the exeption of some things.
I am really really down at the moment, could cry constantly.
My mum nd grandpa were argueing with me yesterday, both at the same time. Because Australia. And because they think i do waste my life. Its all my fault and im a stupid girl to go on like this.
BUt all i want is to be with my SO.

I wish I could give you a good advice, but im in the same boat about *living the life my parent want* thing :-/
xx

**mllebamako** · January 30, 2011, 05:30 AM

I love your "follow-your-heart" plan! You are finishing uni so you have that security and then you can go off on this marrying, baby-making adventure

Like others have said, your parents love you so much and want the best for you. But parents are human too and their thinking can be just as selfish as our own. My parents let me go with 100% support at 18 and I haven't lived near home since. Do they wish more than anything that I wasn't living in France and Africa? Yes. They want me right next to them forever! But part of being a parent is helping your child grow wings and then watching them fly away.

They will understand eventually, but it may take them some time to get used to the idea. Show them that you are being smart about this by finishing school but that you also know in your heart that you want to go do these other things.

As a side note: Why haven't you told them about your miscarriage? (don't answer if too personal). Do you think that that major part of your life might help them be more understanding of where your heart it?

**Silviar** · January 30, 2011, 08:58 AM

No, you're not. And it doesn't get any easier as you get older. I'm 26 and haven't lived with my family since I was 18 - I told them I was moving to Australia in April and I still got the whinges and the not quite guilt-tripping that's gilt tripping to you. Letting go and celebrating independence works both ways. Do it, and harden your heart against their whining. I know that will feel mean, but the fact is, they raised you to be an independent, well-adjusted adult who can make good choices for yourself. They need to trust in you and the way they raised you - and so do you.

P.S. - finishing uni is very wise. Please keep that up, and don't be afraid to follow your life where it leads you.

**Silviar** · January 30, 2011, 08:58 AM

No, you're not. And it doesn't get any easier as you get older. I'm 26 and haven't lived with my family since I was 18 - I told them I was moving to Australia in April and I still got the whinges and the not quite guilt-tripping that's gilt tripping to you. Letting go and celebrating independence works both ways. Do it, and harden your heart against their whining. I know that will feel mean, but the fact is, they raised you to be an independent, well-adjusted adult who can make good choices for yourself. They need to trust in you and the way they raised you - and so do you.

P.S. - finishing uni is very wise. Please keep that up, and don't be afraid to follow your life where it leads you.

**lucybelle** · January 30, 2011, 09:10 AM

Finish school, and if you're financially stable enough-- do whatever you want. My grandfather on his deathbed told my mom that he wished he had let her do what she wanted in college. (She wanted to go for a PE teacher, my grandfather insisted on something else)

They'll come around. My favorite line: Asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission.

**Zephii** · January 30, 2011, 11:20 AM

Please excuse my bluntness, but one day, your parents are going to get old and then they are going to die. Then where will you be? Stuck living a life you never wanted for people who aren't there to appreciate it.
You need to live your life for you. Include them in it. Love them, visit often, spend time because time is precious - the most precious thing in the world. But don't be afraid to be yourself. You have to live with you for the rest of your life - and that will be a very long time.

Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.

**8983MilesofLove** · January 30, 2011, 04:57 PM

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, they've really boosted me! I was so afraid it was just me being selfish and ungrateful.
I'm going to finish Uni because I'm half way through and I obviously need it to fall back on and so I have 'something', you know? And then when I finish I will do what I want, because I know then that I would have done something my parents wanted me to do, and then I'll hopefully be able to do whatever I want with my life. The past few days I've just realized why I'm so unhappy and why bad things always happen to me...because I never follow my heart, which is why the good things that I want to happen to me never happen...because I don't do anything to make them happen!

'follow your heart, and your dreams will come true'

Originally posted by mllebamako View Post

As a side note: Why haven't you told them about your miscarriage? (don't answer if too personal). Do you think that that major part of your life might help them be more understanding of where your heart it?

I haven't told them because my best friend just had a baby and she was pregnant the same time I was (I was due a few days after her..weird huh), and when she first found out she was pregnant, my parents (who are her god-parents) turned to me and were like 'that better not happen to you...we dont want you coming home and telling us you're in the same situation. Its not what we want for you' so when I was pregnant and miscarried it scared me and I knew that if I told them it would hurt them because of what they said. If I hadn't of miscarried then of course I would of told them, but I just don't see the point now because i don't think they would be happy to hear that 1. I was pregnant at 19, 2. We would have kept it despite what they said, 3. I had to go through the heartbreak of losing a child, and 4. losing the baby brought my depression back. I just don't feel comfortable enough to talk to them about it yet, I don't feel ready and I just don't want to hurt them. I dunno, sometimes all I wanna do is go to my mum and tell her everything...but then I remember what she said and change my mind about telling her. I'll tell them eventually...just not yet.

**mllebamako** · January 30, 2011, 05:06 PM

Originally posted by 8983MilesofLove View Post

I haven't told them because my best friend just had a baby and she was pregnant the same time I was (I was due a few days after her..weird huh), and when she first found out she was pregnant, my parents (who are her god-parents) turned to me and were like 'that better not happen to you...we dont want you coming home and telling us you're in the same situation. Its not what we want for you' so when I was pregnant and miscarried it scared me and I knew that if I told them it would hurt them because of what they said. If I hadn't of miscarried then of course I would of told them, but I just don't see the point now because i don't think they would be happy to hear that 1. I was pregnant at 19, 2. We would have kept it despite what they said, 3. I had to go through the heartbreak of losing a child, and 4. losing the baby brought my depression back. I just don't feel comfortable enough to talk to them about it yet, I don't feel ready and I just don't want to hurt them. I dunno, sometimes all I wanna do is go to my mum and tell her everything...but then I remember what she said and change my mind about telling her. I'll tell them eventually...just not yet.

That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure when the time is right for you to tell them they will be understanding and supportive.

**8983MilesofLove** · January 30, 2011, 05:10 PM

I hope so

the thing is I'm not so scared of them lecturing me about it...I'm more scared of them turning around and saying 'good...that was a lucky escape' kinda thing. That would literally break my heart.
I'm hoping the time will be right soon, sometimes all I want is a hug from my mum and for her to understand.

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