Talking to your SO while he is doing other things ...

[pink08]

Would you mind (find it annoying or disrespectful) that your SO while talking to you at the same time visits and posts on a few different forums that are about something that is his interest alone (such as sports forums)?

I find it annoying and not fair at all. I do not believe that you can really multitask that well if topics you talk about to your bf&gf and what you follow on mentioned forums are completely unrelated. More than that, how can you really be focused on one or the other if it takes you a while to post a thread to then reply to what your SO said?

Personally, I have nothing against him visiting those forums. I think they are cool. The only problem I find there is when he does so when talking to me. We only talk an hour to hour and a half per day and it is always divided with the time he spends following websites at the same time. He cannot understand what I am saying and how it affects us, but sees it as me telling him what to do and think it is very disrespectful of him as a person ... which is not what it is at all. For me, I consider our time as a date and him doing other things during it same as him reading a magazine in front of me if we were on a date in person. I do not see how is that ok ...

I think I have lost this as things stand between us right now but either way, I would appreciate to hear what do you all think ...?

Thanks in advance.

[SeattleLove]

I find it really annoying when he does that.
I mean, we only get to talk ONCE a day for like 30 minutes and in those 30 minutes he should at least focus on me, rather than being on facebook or whatever. He can do those things all day long....

The way I stay focused is pretty simple: whenever we do video chat I simply star at him when he's typing. Easy thing
Well, he got a lot better in focusing on our conversation only, so I'm happy with it now

[Alisz]

I've ran into this issue a few times. Not just with my boyfriend, but friends and family too. When I was younger I used to think it was very rude. Moreso because I'm pretty much incapable of having 2 conversations at once, whether it's chatting and posting or talking on the phone while someone tries to talk to me in person. I just can't split my attention like that, so I felt like other people couldn't either. And I often thought it was, just as you said, like if I was reading a book while someone was talking to me.

Now I feel it really depends on the situation and the person I'm talking with. I know Ray does other things while we're talking, but it doesn't always bother me. I figure if I don't notice and it doesn't take away from our current conversation then there's nothing to fuss about. I mean, I aimlessly browse the internet while we talk, but I always make sure my priority is with our conversation. Even if that means reading the same sentence 20 times in a row hehe.

But there's been a few times where I've been in your situation and found it annoying. Usually it's with time constraints and I wonder why he has to do what he's doing at this very instance when we only have X amount of time to talk. And usually it's something that's not important, like watching youtube videos. But I don't make a big deal out of it. Mostly because what I have to say isn't of the utmost importance and I honestly enjoy his company even if we're not actively conversing with one another. His idle sounds can be comforting.

Although, if I'm trying to talk about something serious I do expect his full attention. And so far he hasn't let me down. Although, something that has been bothering me is interruptions... We'll be having a discussion and someone will call him. I understand sometimes he has to pick it up, but he's never once asked to call them back later because we were talking. :/ I too sometimes feel like our time together are dates and taking a call right in the middle of it can feel rude. I don't usually mention it because it's such a tiny thing that I quickly get over, but it can still irk me in the moments it happens.

[pink08]

Thank you for your replies. I guess we all have our priorities, just sometimes they are not the same things. I can see how it can be more fun to talk to your SO while being entertained by other things on a side and participating in both at the same time. I do not think it is fair though to do it all the time. Okay, not every conversation is equally important and sometimes it is no big deal if you browse other forums but your focus should stay on the person you are talking to. Anyway, in the end if they choose websites and all you were saying turn into telling them what to do ... their priority is simply not you as much as it hurt to realise it

[NaNi]

I don't mind it if my SO is, for example, browsing this forum. She often reads stuff out to me and we talk about it and it's always lots of fun. We do that with other websites, too.

If she would just be browsing the internet without really paying attention to what I'm saying I would think differently about it.

It's bad enough when she's texting her friends while talking to me. Although she hasn't done that in a while. Good girl.

[nicole]

I had this problem a while back; I would be talking about something and he'd be browsing the internet or watching TV, only listening with one ear basically. It used to make me feel like crap to be honest. Like I wasn't enough for him. It built up till I had a breakdown on skype about it and ended up telling him everything I was feeling; how it felt like he wasn't "all there" for me when he did that and as I couldn't have him physically with me, I NEEDED his mind with me 100%. It is really rude, not paying someone attention when they are talking to you. He realised what he was doing and stopped. He went into the other room where he didn't have the fast computer to browse and talk to me. It got a lot better. Nowadays, when we don't have much to say, we both do other stuff; we're still hanging out, but we don't browse when one of us is talking.

I would tell him how you're feeling and maybe work on some ground rules for your chat sessions, Like not posting and typing whilst you're talking?

[Petersgirl]

My SO does this sometimes. He ocasionally checks his emails when we're talking, and often he has the tv on in the background and gets distracted by it during our chat. It does irritate me a bit as it's not something I would do to him, and we don't get to talk often. But then I think from his point of view it's not that I'm not his priority, he just likes being with me, in my company, he doesn't always need to be talking. Sometimes we will just gaze at each other in silence, for example. If we lived together we would not always be talking to each other, we would be enjoying having each other for company while doing other things, and in a long distance relationship you don't really get that. I think it's nice for him to relax and just feel like I'm with him during his evening. Mostly he is focused on me, and when he's not I try to understand that he just loves feeling me there with him, whether he is talking to me or not.

If it ever really annoyed me though, I would bring it up in a gentle non-accusatory way, as he would be oblivious to the fact it was annoying. And I suppose it depends on how you view your 'talk time'. Viewing it as a date is vastly different to viewing it as hanging out together. My SO and I are definitely are hanging out when we talk, but if I wanted to feel it was more like a date I think I'd have to tell him/request it.

[lucybelle]

My SO will occasionally be watching TV while we're on skype. When he does that I flash the camera. As soon as he looks back I put my shirt back down. He'll say "Again again!" And I'm like "nope, you woulda seen it if you were looking at me!"

[Moon]

I can't get annoyed with him, cause I do it, too There are times he'll want to have long conversations about subjects I might not be all that interested in, but I really like hearing him talk, and getting an idea of his thoughts on these things, but after a while I find myself here or Facebook, or something. I am still listening though. I've caught him doing the same to me enough times, I just laugh at him and call him out on it since we talk pretty much everyday. Neither one of us do it during more serious conversations and we have the highest respect for each other, so for us its not too big of a deal.

[AllieBaba]

My SO will occasionally be watching TV while we're on skype. When he does that I flash the camera. As soon as he looks back I put my shirt back down. He'll say "Again again!" And I'm like "nope, you woulda seen it if you were looking at me!"

Haha, that's funny!

Anyways, I do find it annoying when he's doing other things while talking to me. We only talk for a couple of hours everyday so I expect that his attention is on me :P He can do whatever he wants when we're not on the phone, why not do it then? I mean.. if it's once in a while I have no problem, he usually tells me he'll reply to something really quick or read something, so I'm not talking there like a idiot. I find it really disrespectful when I'm talking and he's not paying attention so I let him know how I think.

[nicole]

My SO will occasionally be watching TV while we're on skype. When he does that I flash the camera. As soon as he looks back I put my shirt back down. He'll say "Again again!" And I'm like "nope, you woulda seen it if you were looking at me!"

rofl I do that too! I'm like "you weren't paying attention. sucks to be you "

[Silviar]

I'm on the flip side of this; here's my take.

I don't find it personally offensive if my SO is multi-tasking while we talk. Oftentimes my SO is gaming or reading a forum, and I use it as an opportunity to have something to talk about. Sometimes they're my interests, and sometimes they're not, but then I get to show interest in his interests, and in turn he feels good because I make myself part of his life.

I also think that talking over a computer or phone tends to precipitate multi-tasking. When we talk to other people on the internet or phone, what do we do? Paint our nails, clean, browse forums, play Facebook games... I think it's part of the habits we develop.

However, when we're talking as long as I take priority, and he is polite to me ("just one moment, I'm reading this"), I'm ok with that. He in turn is ok with me when I'm multi-tasking and when I ask him to give me a moment. I know I'm important in his life, and I know he'll stop if I ask, plus when we're talking, he showers me with kisses, I love you's, and we do talk, just him and me.

[becca53088]

My SO will occasionally be watching TV while we're on skype. When he does that I flash the camera. As soon as he looks back I put my shirt back down. He'll say "Again again!" And I'm like "nope, you woulda seen it if you were looking at me!"

Haha, that's great! I love that idea. I was thinking somewhat on the lines of this, for when he really isn't giving you the attention you deserve on the phone. Flip the coin on him one day. Do something like watch a chick flick or put the music up or visit a website like this forum and pretend you are busy with other things, just to give him a taste of what it feels like when he does it to you. I think that it is definitely okay and expected that your SO (and you) multitask on the phone because most people do and it can make your conversations moe interesting, however it does become a problem if your SO is not giving you most of the attention. Try this trick if it gets out of hand again and then jokingly just tell him that this is what it can be like for you. Acting things out like this can send a message across much stronger sometimes than complaining about it or seeming annoyed. But, good luck! I know how you feel. My SO occasionally gets involved in a TV show when we talk and asks me to repeat myself. I do an approach similar to lucybelle's where I say "I can't repeat what I just said. It was really important. I can't believe you missed it." Lol works like a charm.

[Tabitha]

It doesn't bother me. We talk practically all day in some form, so it'd be silly of me to say that he can't browse other things. I do it too. I'm talking to him as I post this, and he'd browsing the internet as well. When we have our nightly video chat, our focus is on each other though.

[sabby64]

It bothers me but I have to get used to it, because Brandon's a multitasker and if he isn't doing a million things at once he gets really antsy and depressed. Most of the time he's playing a game, watching tv, making food, texting people, watching Youtube, playing with my ferrets and having 3 other people in his room all at the same time.

My SO will occasionally be watching TV while we're on skype. When he does that I flash the camera. As soon as he looks back I put my shirt back down. He'll say "Again again!" And I'm like "nope, you woulda seen it if you were looking at me!"

LOL I do that too XD