He's depressed. How do i help?

[Marikusa]

Previously, i had written because my once romantic and super loving boyfriend had suddenly become withdrawn and distant. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Yesterday after came home from going out with his friends he said some thigns that made it sound like he was going to break up with me, or that his feelings have change. He said that we don't know for sure if we're going to work out or not. Before it was never something we doubted. Now he has doubts. This morning he told me that hes scared that we'll never get to meet because we both don't have money at the time. (He's a student, and i just recently got my Associates degree and am having trouble finding work) He says that hes scared of the distance.

He said he started to think these things because he had went out with a friend and that everything is going well for his friend and he feels like everything is going wrong for him. He didnt do well in school last semester, and he had mentioned that his parents were really on his case about that when he was on vacation. Hes at the point that if he doesnt pass these coming exams in march that he might lose his scholarship. I understand now why he's really depressed over it, but im not sure how to help.

I try to tell him things to encourage him, but it feels like nothing i say can help. I tell him that i believe in him, and that he will do well in his exams if he focuses and studies. He kind of blames that he did poorly last semester because he spent too much time with me.

Argh.

[LadyMarchHare]

It sounds like a lot of things in his life are piling up into the 'negative' category of his brain, which would explain him becoming upset over the current situation of money, time, etc and having doubts start to rise. He's feeling very overwhelmed right now. I think the best suggestion would be to get him to see a school counselor, not only about how he can pull his grades up, but to have someone unbiased to talk to about his problems and receive advice when necessary. You can encourage him all you want, but sometimes they take it poorly or don't react at all to it. He needs someone there to set him straight and give him more than loving "you can do it"s, you know what I mean? It's hard to pull yourself out of slumps like that, but I think with that help and, of course, determination he can do it and things will be better for the both of you because really, he doesn't need to be blaming you for something he can always control.

[Sarah9908]

I agree with what LMH said. To add to that, I deal with depression on a regular basis because my boyfriend and I have decided to try to control it without anti-depressants (my mother and brother have depression as well, and are medicated -- it makes them slightly insane sometimes so we wanted to stay away from that :P) One of the things that helps me out, is my boyfriend is highly supportive. Reassure your guy that you're not going anywhere. Tell him no matter what, you're always there for him, and one day you will overcome the distance. You might already know, but if not, figure out what comforts him. For me, I feel most safe and loved when I webcam and verbally talk to my boyfriend simultaneously -- he knows when I'm depressed, and that's when his sensitivity kicks into action -- he floods me with "I love you"s and affection and tells me what he would be doing if I were with him. Maybe try that approach. Knowing that you aren't going anywhere, and flooding him with tenderness, love, and care may help him. If he feels like his grades are lacking because of you, even though it's hard.. You might want to offer to limit your time with him each night so he can focus. Like give him 1 or 2 hours to just study. Just make sure he knows you aren't leaving him, you love him, and that you're doing your best to find a way to see him sometime.

[LostInLove]

I agree with what everyone else said. But also, and I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear this, let him know that if he needs more time to himself to study he can definitely take it. That you support him 100%, and if that's what he needs to do to get better grades in school then you'll bear it. I know it'll suck for you, but I'm in the same situation as your boyfriend. Last year around exam time, I actually told my SO that I was really glad he didn't live here so I didn't have to feel guilty about having no time for him. Studying to get high grades is hard and requires a lot of focus. If you're worried you're neglecting your SO, then it's one more thing to pull your attention away for your notes. So if he knows that you understand, it might relieve his stress a little bit. That's my opinion anyways, take it or leave it.