We might be close to the end...

[Cucaratcha]

Hi there !

January has been awful for me...
She basically gets upset for everything I tell her. For example I was trying to suggest her things to do the friday at the university as she has a gap of 4 hours. And she started telling "but you don't know, i can't do like this and blabla" but in a way that says "you stupid bastard"
And that's not the only example, I've got many. As her internet connexion is more than soso, Skyping with the webcam is not really high-quality. We were speaking normally, and we had a problem of signal, so I stopped the call and called her back, as we always do when there's a problem. She started saying "oh it's annoying, let's finish now". Why can't she be a little bit more patient and take a bit of herself... It's not a big thing... I mean, I'm her boyfriend, not the housemaid...

Something else, yesterday I was telling her I missed her and that I needed her. She basically said it wasn't true, that I could live without her and that she was bored with my childish behaviour and that I had changed. I'm sure I'm acting the same way as always. I told her that I want to get back the sweet girlfriend I used to know. Then she replied by saying there has never been any kind of sweetness in her and that she has always been cold. I observated those days she was kind of proud of her maturity, by saying that she was feeling more mature than her sister who's 11 years older than her... and of course by saying I was acting like a child.

Those are just some examples, but there are more that I cant exactly remember. It has been like that for 3 weeks, and when we speak, I dont feel the same happiness on her voice than before. Sometimes I even feel I'm asking her to do me a favour to speak with me.
She's really negative, and all the plans we have made for the future seem to have lost importance in her mind. She hasn't spoken about it directly, and that's the problem, because before we were speaking about those things... wedding, children...

But she keeps telling me she loves me...
I've always thought that actions speak louder than words, the truth is that I feel like I'm doing more than her to understand what are the problems to try to ameliorate it.

I know you guys will tell me to speak with her about that, but I've tried already, and she gets kind of annoyed.
I really don't know what to do, we see each other in 2 months and a half, but I need to do something right now...
On tuesday it will be our 9 months anniversary, shall I wait her to say "happy 9" to see if she really cares/remember ?

[Dziubka]

Meh, I had this typed out twice and my internet ate it twice.

I have no real advice to offer, but I'd like to let you know that I'm so sorry for you. I really hope it's only a phase she/you are going though.
I know I sometimes have phases, when I'm stressed or simply sad and miss my boyfriend a lot, I get almost angry at him for not being here. I'm so short tempered and get angry with him over small really stupid things, like when he doesn't understand something I'm saying or is telling me to cheer up ("&%$§!! What do you know about all of this?! I'm so &%&$ß done with this!"). I can't help that I hate being without him.

I'm not a fan of the not-talking thing. I mean how's doing nothing about something going to do anything about it (sorry for the sentence)? But maybe... try to keep the calls short(er) and send her mails instead? The mails she can read at her own pace, when she has time/is more relaxed and it gives her more time to think about what you've written and consider an answer, too.

Oh and about the anniversary, it doesn't need to mean anything. I'm not very good at keeping track about how many months we've been together and we both don't even know what date exactly we have our anniversary and we still care... a lot.

[OliveOyl]

i know personally, we use MSN Messenger to video chat, and his connection is AWFUL, always! And it cuts out a lot and it is SOOOOOO frustrating for me, sometimes, when I am extra emotional, I am always on the verge of "making it quick" and just ending the call altogether, but I never do because I know even though its really frustrated I LOVE seeing his smile, and hearing him laugh (when the connection is good enough to transmit voices), lol.

I just feel so bad for you! thats so awful to feel so unwanted! I just hope you two work it out!

[Miramaid]

I have been the but the situation is reverse, my BF is more short tempered and if he is not in a mood for any reason, he is cold and distant. And a lot of times it has nothing to do with me, but I am the one suffering from it.
I do not know what to suggest you, but because I am in the same situation as you only I am like you, I do what I THINK is right. Or try to. I keep being sweet and I keep doing what I think is right to do. It is not always easy especially if you are sweet to someone and you do not get the same in responce, but I still prefer to be who I am: and I am a sweet GF and do my best to be. So I would not wait to see if she says anything first on your anniversary, I would say all the good things first, and send her something if you can, and just be yourself. I think we should treat people like we want to be treated, and even if they do not know how to respond in the same way or if they do not want to, you still can treat them nicely. I know it is hard and I cry sometimes when I do not get that emotional connection and affection from my BF, but I still try to put myself together and be sweet to him, because I do love him.

I hope you work things out and I hope there wont be another "break up" post. There has been way too many lately

[lucybelle]

My SO has terrible internet connection too. In fact it is only on rare occasions that I can actually make out a face on skype. Usually I just stare into a white screen and listen to him. It's frustrating, but important for the both of us, so I stay on calls. When audio starts to get messed up, we just type to each other.

For your anniversary, definitely say happy 9 months. I think "trials" that couples sometimes put each other through are silly. I used to do that when I was in high school. I would get a hair cut, not tell my SO, wait to see if he noticed, then get mad when he didn't. That's just silly. If you want something, you need to do it. Send her a loving email saying "Happy anniversary. I know things haven't been as flowly as before but I love you more now than I did 9 months ago and can't wait to see you in 2 months!"

Good luck.

[Cucaratcha]

We have spoken a little bit today through SMS... well I dont know how to interpret them. We spoke normally, maybe too normally, without fantaisy. She even wrote me "Let's speak after because now I'm with my friends and I dont want to be rude using the BlackBerry"... I was like mmm ok... I mean, I was just asking her 2 little things that she could have answered quickly... I was just asking 5 mins of attention in her 2 hours break.

Is that asking a lot, as the boyfriend I am ?
I want attention !
I don't know if I should try to not write her to see if she writes me... I'm not fan of this "trick" but I really don't know what to do to get a certain equilibrium between us...

[Karringtyn]

Take a step back. Reading just what you wrote....to me you sound VERY demanding of her time and attention. I am not too familiar with your relationship so I don't know if you are in school or what not...but you both HAVE to have lives and that doesn't have to include 24/7 communication. In CD relationships I have never had the communication I have now with my SO. Life takes over and you get busy. Sounds like you overanalyze a lot, just like I do. If I could offer any advice it would be to take a step back; think about the love you have...she must have something going on that is making her behave the way she is. She is still telling you she loves you...so don't worry too much. Of COURSE say Happy 9 months....

The whole I NEED attention in relatinship gets old. I have played that card as well as my ex has. We need to give ourselves that attention and work on that.

Just my two cents....keep letting out the thoughts...we are all here to help.

[ms3]

Hey, I am kind of in the same constellation: Swiss, with a girlfriend from another, probably more collective and less planning culture.
I also found it very hard at times to get used to the fact that she can't always make time, even just to txt, if she's with other people. It doesn't mean she loves you less or you're less important. Because I had high expectations myself, I was having a stressful time to fulfill them myself, but I learnt to take it more easy, and I think it's better for both of us.
And she is also very impatient sometimes, when she has to repeat what she's telling on skype three times until I understand it. But I'm not any different, and I think it's normal that sometimes we just get so upset at this hard, "unfair" situation of being separated and struggling to communicate.
Another similarity is that she sometimes claims that I don't understand her and her situation. It's a fact. I know some of her culture by now, but still there is things that are difficult for me to understand and even more to advise on. Then, it's sometimes better for her to talk to local friends, even male friends, but because I trust her, I'm fine with it (though I wasn't at the very beginning).
And regarding talking things over: I think us Europeans (or especially Swiss) like to analyse things and discuss them thoroughly. But this isn't so common in other cultures. Still, I hope you can convince here that this is important for you. Tell her what you observed, how it makes you feel, but how much you love her, and that thus you want to find a way to make you both feel better. I hope you can be completely open to each other, share the pain of the distance, maybe cry together, and have a bit of a "new start".

I wish you all the best, and I'm confident that this musn't be a sign for a close end! We've had such crises as well, and got out of them stronger than we were before.

[KiwiLove]

I think us Europeans (or especially Swiss) like to analyse things and discuss them thoroughly. But this isn't so common in other cultures.

I think hes right! I have noticed many times that we Swiss are getting worried easily if something doesnt work out straight. Also the *take it easy* thing isnt our style we just didnt grow up with the thing "if not today then tomorrow".
We just have to solve the problems and make everything clear as soon as possible. That can be very annoying sometimes.

[Riyko]

I've read a lot of your topics and there are a couple of things I notice in all of them, they either include jealousy or attention and when you post about it, it seems way too demanding on your part. It's fine to want her attention, but all of the time is way too much, you need to give her, her space and let her enjoy some of her free time with her friends, you also need to spend time to yourself and spend time with your friends as well. You want her attention during all of her breaks at school, but you have to understand that she has a life too.

You asked her some questions you wanted her to answer and instead of answering your questions she said she's with her friends and doesn't want to be rude by being on her phone. Instead of getting upset you should be happy that she wants to focus her attention on her friends. I don't blame her for saying that to you, when i'm hanging out with someone, I absolutely hate when they text or call someone else (unless it's an emergency) because it makes me feel like the time they are spending with me is less important then the person that is texting or calling them.

[Stina83]

Hey Cucaratcha. I'm so sorry to hear about this, I really hope you two will work it out.
I have to agree a little with Karryngton though.. it does sound like you're being a little too demanding. From my point of view it looks as if you're in sort of a vicious cycle here, that the more demanding you get, the more annoyed she gets, and then you get even more demanding because obviously everyone needs to feel loved in a relationship. I know exactly where you're coming from with this. I, too, am European and maybe we have a habit of overanalyzing too much.. I don't know. Either way, I think you need to take a step back too. It's not that you have to put her on ice and not text or call at all. But be a little less available maybe.. just for a while. Give her a chance to see that she misses you and needs you too. Also, I'd say that you should respect that when she's with her friends, she doesn't want to be rude. I'm the same way as her with that, because I get annoyed too when my friends text all the time, when we're together. If she says she'll answer later, let her answer later and give her a little space.
Keep posting, I hope everything works out!

[garnet]

I've read a lot of your topics and there are a couple of things I notice in all of them, they either include jealousy or attention and when you post about it, it seems way too demanding on your part. It's fine to want her attention, but all of the time is way too much, you need to give her, her space and let her enjoy some of her free time with her friends, you also need to spend time to yourself and spend time with your friends as well. You want her attention during all of her breaks at school, but you have to understand that she has a life too.

You asked her some questions you wanted her to answer and instead of answering your questions she said she's with her friends and doesn't want to be rude by being on her phone. Instead of getting upset you should be happy that she wants to focus her attention on her friends. I don't blame her for saying that to you, when i'm hanging out with someone, I absolutely hate when they text or call someone else (unless it's an emergency) because it makes me feel like the time they are spending with me is less important then the person that is texting or calling them.

I have to pretty much agree with this. Your posts have all seemed like you are gripping so tightly that maybe your gf feels like she can't breathe. I don't think she did anything wrong by suggesting the texting wait until she was out of the company of her friends. It was the polite thing for her to do.
If you can, I think easing up a bit might really help things. :/

[Stina83]

Didn't see Riyko's post till now, but yeah.. i totally agree with this too. Definitely the vibe I've been getting from you as well. And I understand where you're coming from, but if you want your relationship to work, you gotta give her space...

[Cucaratcha]

Thanks for your advice... I will try to be less "intense"...
It's kind of strange for me to assimilate, as everytime she sends me a text I reply in the next 5 mins... whatever the situation (I've already answered in an exam ).

Today seemed to be better than the past weeks, I didn't change anything, maybe it was simply her mood, or I changed but inconsciently... I don't know...

And for the thing about swiss/europeans, it's kind of true... When I was learning english in London I had the possibility to meet people from all around the world... no doubt, none of the swiss were late at school (well, me sometimes but it was because I wanted to spend time out with my SO, joker ).

Anyway thank you for your advice again, you are probably right, I'm working on it

[Stina83]

Alright, let us know how it goes Good luck!