What to do..

[Stina83]

So I need some advice here. I know I'm not dating my SO's mom, but I'm going out of my mind about her sometimes.. my SO and I are from very different backgrounds, and his childhood has definitely been a lot stricter than mine. His mom is a single mother, so I understand that she has been doing the best she could for her kids while they were growing up. However, my SO and I are both 28 years old now, and she treats us like kids. Especially my bf. She still tries to control him and many times succeeds. I feel like she puts him down a lot too and is sometimes straight out mentally abusive to him. He hasn't been that successful in his life, even though he's the only one of them (his mom and sis) who has a college degree. Yet he still works crappy jobs and makes no money. He already feels like a loser, but his mother isn't helping at all. She's a very loud and intimidating person, and I've never stood up to her really, and I have a hard time imagining doing that too, plus I guess it's not really my place to say anything. Anyway, when my SO and I are at her house, we're not allowed upstairs in his room together, not even with the door open. We're also not allowed to sleep in the same bed or even show too much affection, like a small peck is a huge no-no or sitting too close together on the couch or holding hands is also a problem for her sometimes. I'm really going out of my mind about this. I feel like we're both being treated like babies, but at the same time I know it's her house, and I don't want to disrespect her. Doesn't change the fact that it's getting more and more ridiculous with more and more little rules being decided on.
I feel like she has a problem with our relationship in general. I don't know if it's me that she doesn't like, or maybe she likes me, but she might not think I'm right for her son (I'm white and he's black) or there could be other reasons. Either way, I'm trying to distance myself from her, but she's such a dominant part of my SO's life still, so that's really hard to do.
My SO and I decided to get a hotel for the week the next time I'm visiting. He told his mom about it, and she went on and on about how we're only doing that because we want to have sex, and we can't at her house. That's absolutely ridiculous. But it's gotten to the point where we can't really be alone or spend any time together just the two of us if we're at her house. And even if it were just for sex, that's none of her freaking business!
Anyway, I don't really know how to deal with this.. it's just getting worse, and I feel more and more annoyed and affected by this.. am I just overreacting?
Sorry, hope this all made sense.. any advice or thoughts would be great!

[Moon]

There isn't anything you can do, not at all. Sure, you can talk to your SO about it, tell him how you feel and whatever, but until he's ready to stand up to her it won't help anything. You can encourage him, give him some strength, but its got to be done by him. If you try to take charge and stand up for him to her, it won't turn out well, it never does with those type of mothers, and she'll hate you forever, which puts your SO in a very bad spot. She'll be a factor in your relationship for however long it lasts, so you don't want it to get ugly. Unless your SO is willing to cut ties with her, you'll both need to handle this gently, with him doing the hard parts. Just encourage and love him, you're both very much adults and she seriously needs to learn some boundaries. At 28, your both old enough to get a hotel for sex! Your SO needs to get a bit of a backbone and be firm with her, its the only way. Good luck!

[princessmia]

I agree with what Moon said. There isn't anything that you can do; your SO has to stand up to her and say 'Mom, that's enough.'
There isn't a way out of this...unless if your SO moves out of his Mom's house, which if he's working minimum wage type of jobs, probably isn't likely at the moment.
I'm sorry to hear this, but stay strong!

[Stina83]

Thank you for your response Moon. I guess it isn't fair of me to say that he's not standing up to her at all. I've talked to him about this so many times now and he completely agrees with me. At least on most of the things I say. But yeah, they fight a lot already.. sometimes I've overheard fights where he'd actually stand up for himself but she has a way of bringing him back down (she's a talker), and then he ends up leaving and they're both mad for a few days. Then things blow over and it happens all over again. He does have a tendency to just walk away from conflict with his mom and ignore her. And I think that he thinks that's his way of standing up to her. I don't really think he realizes how much she in fact controls him. I guess you're right though, I should probably just stay out of it and try to ignore it. Just hard to do when I, too, feel like she's crossing my line time after time..

[Stina83]

Princessmia: Thing is, his mom is that kind of person who never actually does any introspection you know. She believes she always knows best, it doesn't matter what it's about. So saying 'Mom, that's enough' will only get her started, lol. Anyway, yeah he's working full time minimum wage and is saving as much as he can, even delivering pizzas at night, but it's just not happening for him right now. We agreed that the best option for us/him will be for him to move to Europe with me and start over, at least for a few years and then maybe move back to America. Moving to Europe unfortunately isn't going to happen right now, especially with the crisis and no jobs to get. so he's going to have to stay at her house for some time still

[LadyEcstsasy]

I'm in a similiar situation with my SO's mom, only we're younger so it's more understandable. I agree with what the others have said (because that's also what I was told when I was looking for advice on how to handle M's mom). There's not a whole lot I can do about my situation. It's tough holding it all in, even if you don't want to stand up for yourself, I'm sure sometimes you get so fed up you want to basically tell her to stfu. Unfortunately that probably only makes it worse =/

Just make sure your SO knows how you feel, that you're upset about it and that you want to be able to spend time with him without his mom breathing down your necks. If you feel betrayed when he doesn't stick up for you, make sure he knows that too, but also make sure he knows that you still care about him and are willing to support him. My SO has the same problem of sometimes standing up, sometimes not and that even when he does fight it's not getting anywhere. It can be hard to ignore but for this you might just have to bite the bullet and wait it out Good luck.

[KiwiLove]

To me it seems like she is able to put forward a very convincing case about the things SHE want.
Like when your SO and her are arguing about (for example having time for the two of you) she can convince him pretty good and bring him back when he stands up.

I know those kind of people. In my apprenticeship I had a boss (female) and she didnt have the knowledge of the job but still was SO sure to be right. Even she wasnt!
I think people like this have a low self esteem and try to hide it in doing something where they are "good" in.
In making other peole feel bad and guilty.

Your SO should try to move out of her house! I know you said he hasnt a good job and doesnt earn enough money but is there no option? Maybe he could stay at a friends house?
He really has to establish what HE wants. Hes 28 and she cant do this anymore!

(I know it sounds easier than doing it. My mum also cant let go and Im 21..)

[Cucaratcha]

I will be in a kind of similar situation in april... well not as "exagerated" as you, but I wont be able to sleep with my girlfriend, so then difficult to have sex. When my girlfriend was with me, we spoke about her parents, and she told me they are quite conservative and not really open-minded when it's about sex. They seem really nice, I've kind of spoken to them on Skype... but I think they are kind of "no sex before getting married".

So I don't know how will we do to have sex, I'd really like to, but I must respect... not sure they will let us alone in the house... maybe during the night without making any noise ?
Anyway, good luck, you are definitely not alone, and I totaly agree with what Moon said

[Moon]

Cucaratcha - Where there's a will, there's a way I'm sure you'll figure out a way to get some time to fool around, you've got to! Just keep your eyes open for the opportunity and take it

[Karringtyn]

It's about respect. It's her home and he lives there. I am all for him standing up to his Mother to create boundaries and all...but in the end...he is 28 and he is living under her roof. I wish you the best.

[Stina83]

Thank you all for your advice! Just want to add that it's not about the sex at all right now. (We have other ways to do that than in the house, lol). And I get that it's about respect when it comes to that, even though we're a lot more open-minded to that in Europe so it's still sort of annoying to me. Anyway, that's just how it is for a lot of Americans, and I get that and accept that.
My problem with her is more the fact that she treats us like kids in general. And when she accuses us and yells at us for getting a hotel when we're 28 years old. This is not the only case either. Every time she thinks we're being sneaky or too affectionate or whatever, she'll be like this. There's no trust at all and I feel that she thinks I'm a bad person many times. Like one time we were all sitting around in the living room, and my bf would hold my hand. The entire family was there, and in front of everyone she was like "Do you HAVE to touch her all the time", being all pissed off about that. Made me real uncomfortanle. The first time I was there, when me and my SO just got back together, and we got a hotel room too, she was already yelling at me for doing that back then too. Seriously, it was the first time we saw each other in 10 yrs! So inappropriate. And recently she made the rule that we're not allowed upstairs in his room together, not even with the door open. That rule later turned into us not even being allowed upstairs at the same time, no matter what room we're in, like if he's in his room and I'm in the bathroom, that's not allowed either.. seriously, WHAT!? She doesn't want us to get hotel rooms, but at the same time there's nowhere that we're actually allowed to be together in the house.. I mean, come on!
Anyway, I'm just sick of it, and I'm sick of holding myself back. But at the same time, I know you're all right and that it will only get worse if I actually stand up to her.
Sorry I'm venting, just getting more and more to the point of me exploding, and nothing good will come from that at all.. that I know!

[Dziubka]

Holy hell, Stina, you must be an angel for having put up with this so far.

It might be because I've been brought up to be independent from a very young age, but hell. I don't know how you do it?
I guess there's no other option and I have no idea what I'd do in your situation, but I feel like I wouldn't stand even a few days under that circumstances. Even if you two were 14, her behavior wouldn't be ok. Yes, there is such a thing as respect, but it works both ways. Why should we respect someone that so obviously doesn't respect us? Seriously, what is her problem?
And how does your SO deal with that on a daily basis? How could he grow into a responsible, independent person under that circumstances? Has he even tried explaining her that he's grateful he can stay with her (and so on) but that he's adult now and could rent a whole hotel if he had the money and felt like it?!

You'd probably make it even worse, if you talked back though, wouldn't you?

[Dziubka]

Holy hell, Stina, you must be an angel for having put up with this so far.

It might be because I've been brought up to be independent from a very young age, but hell. I don't know how you do it?
I guess there's no other option and I have no idea what I'd do in your situation, but I feel like I wouldn't stand even a few days under that circumstances. Even if you two were 14, her behavior wouldn't be ok. Yes, there is such a thing as respect, but it works both ways. Why should we respect someone that so obviously doesn't respect us? Seriously, what is her problem?
And how does your SO deal with that on a daily basis? How could he grow into a responsible, independent person under that circumstances? Has he even tried explaining her that he's grateful he can stay with her (and so on) but that he's adult now and could rent a whole hotel if he had the money and felt like it?!

You'd probably make it even worse, if you talked back though, wouldn't you?

[Stina83]

Exactly!! Well said! Respect does work both ways. You know, I really am torn here. I will not accept how she talks to us sometimes and I feel like I should say something. But at the same time, I know her and I know that NOTHING good will come from it, except for the fact that I will feel better for a moment, lol.
I think my bf is just so used to her attitude that he just ignores it most times. And then sometimes he explodes but calms back down after a few days.
Yeah, I definitely think being European we have a much more independent and less uptight attitude towards things than a lot of Americans (no offense guys ) So it's a culture thing too for sure. To an extent I guess. There's definitely a line!
Anyway, I suppose I feel like the things she does and the little rules she makes is just her way of making it harder and harder for my bf and I to be together. Or at least she tries. My bf says that he thinks she likes me, but I have some serious doubts about that. I feel that if she really liked me, she wouldn't make it so hard for us, you know?
Forgot to mention another example, I usually would always call her by her first name. 10 yrs ago I remember I called her Mrs. and then her last name, and she told me not to call her that. So I'd use her first name. Then a few months ago she told me to call her Ms. and then her first name.. I'm like what? why? Seriously, why is that so important to her.. just another hint that she hates me I feel.
Man, this woman pisses me off to no end....

[Dziubka]

I'm so sorry for you.
My ex's parents hated me, too. It wasn't so bad, because he wasn't living with them anymore, but they'd say things like "You two don't fit together. You're really handsome and [Dziubka] is so ugly." He never talked back to them either, he had developed a rather complicated system of lies and working around things, though. But, god. It was horrible.
I didn't think it would bother me so much, but later on I got the feeling that he wasn't really standing up for me against them. I don't know what I wanted or whether it would have made a difference if instead of "Well, that's your opinion and I have mine." he would have said "What you're saying is really hurtful and I don't want you to talk like that about here anymore. And just so you know to me she's the most beautiful girl there is." But yeah... it was no fun.
My ex was (well is) Russian.
It's definitely a cultural thing. In Europe, or Western/Northern Europe anyway, 'kids' generally have a lot of liberties (I mean, hey, drinking age is basically 16 here!). So it's only natural that it's hard for us, to accept such treatment.

I'm wishing you lots and lots of strength to deal with her.