Am I overreacting?

[Alisz]

My boyfriend's been busier than usual the past couple months. We haven't had a lot of quality talking time together. I know he does the best he can and I've been understanding for the most part. I just feel like the past week or so I've been getting annoyed more by the interruptions and lack of quality time. I should emphasis the 'quality' part.

He lives with his mom and sister and there hasn't been any issues before. They'd go to work, they'd have a family dinner and we would get the night to ourselves. They'd come to say goodnight to him and me and that was that. Now since he's been at his grandfather's it's like he never gets any time. It's a full house there (his cousin stays there too), so he's always getting called away for something. And his mom asks him to go and do errands with her more, which is ok, but he doesn't always need to go. And I can hear it in his voice that he doesn't want to, but he has trouble saying no because he probably doesn't want to start an argument with her. I get that and he'll give in because he knows I'm not going to argue with him about something stupid like that. He's also been given the job as being taxi to his sister and her boyfriend. He drops them off and picks them up from work. They don't even work at the same place. The reason he does it is because his mom works during the day and they have such off evening hours. Which means it cuts into our time. It takes him 3 hours if he's not waiting on her to get off because she doesn't know when she is... I get that he's helping them out and that's sweet of him, but I haven't heard him refuse because it's late or we had plans.

I've talked with him about it. In not so many words, but I've expressed that I'm unhappy about the lack of quality time. He apologized for the busy times and said that soon it would be back to normal. A few days went by and not much had changed. If anything it got worse. I mentioned it again and asked if we could set up a date. He was fine with that and planned one out hoping there wouldn't be any problems, but saying things are up in the air. Date time comes around and he tells me there'll be a couple hiccups. He has to go pick up his sister and then family dinner, after that there shouldn't be anything. We were able to get in a few hours that was really nice, but a bit tainted knowing we'd have to put it on pause for a few hours. I didn't mind too much because it gave him time to finish downloading a game we were going to play together. When he comes back we talk for a bit, but then his phone is being txt'd like crazy. For some reason everyone wants to talk with him tonight. So, while we're talking I can hear him txting. *sigh* I don't get into it because I can tell from his voice and sighs that he's not really pleased about it either. But he continues to txt albeit out of politeness back for a bit telling me what they're generally concerning. There's a phone call in there that I almost thought he was going to leave... I would've said something then. But I don't know why he can't just leave the txts. If I'm busy I just leave them and get back to them later. Even if it is BBM. Eventually it stops, but it's getting late and we're getting tired. We watch some videos and call it a night.

Don't get me wrong, he's been doing the best he can given the situation, so I can't be too upset. I can see he's trying to make the time and he's trying to make sure I'm happy. But the interruptions and everything, I'd be lying if I said they didn't annoy me. I'm not asking for him to be there all the time, but when he is with me to stay with me. Or even make more of an effort to want to spend time together. I really don't know what else I can say to him about it. He's aware of how I feel and we do spend time together, but it's full of interruptions. It's not quality time. I can't tell you how many times I'll be telling him something and mid-sentence I hear someone call his name and he tells me he's brb... Then he's gone for like 20 minutes and when he comes back he doesn't even ask me about what I was talking about. Sure it wasn't the most interesting thing ever, but it was something. :/ I just don't know how to get all this across without sounding, well, nagging heh. Sometimes I think I'm overreacting. He says it'll be over soon, so maybe I should try to scrounge up some more patience. Like I said, I know he's been busy and kinda stressed. I don't want to add to it with my silliness. Am I being difficult?? Some different points of view and perspective would be nice. I don't really have anyone here to talk to about this stuff either. :/

[nicole]

Man, I'd be frustrated too! Maybe you should ask him to have a few words with his Mom? Like while he understands he needs to help out and such, there is a certain block of time where he needs to not be running round after everyone else? Some compromise should be able to be made.

As for the texts, I don't think texting whilst talking to you is completely necessary either. With what little time you have to talk to each other, he could at least not text other people- he might not be able to control running round after his family, but he can control the texting. I'd explain how you are feeling and basically try set up a "No texting" policy- for the both of you, not just him.

[xopookie]

That's really fusterating... Have you suggested to him that he should move out or can you live together because as long as he's still living with his mom he still has to abide by her rules. :/

[TknandLvnIt]

I sometimes get frustrated with my SO for the same thing but I have found that it doesn't help to nag about it. I have talked to him a couple of times about how his distraction makes me feel as though he is uninterested in what I'm saying or I'm boring him. We compromise by not texting when we are talking...but sometimes we will tell the other what's being said...so like my friend is fighting with his gf or my friend and I were texting before you called and I didn't know you would be calling right now. If its a planned time we are both intentional about giving the other our undivided attention...if its an unplanned time we are more lenient because we do know that the other will pick up if they call but that they may be in the middle of something even if they try to step away. Your SO is making an effort and that's really important. I understand your frustration but talking every day on the phone may be difficult right now so adjust your expectations so that you aren't disappointed. Come up with attainable communication goals for this time period when he is busy and try to be patient with him. Good luck :-)

[sabby64]

That sounds like my boyfriend, except it's been ever since he graduated and went back home. There's not much you yourself can do about it, except maybe ask him to to make a deal with his family for one night a week where he gets a break and there are no interruptions. That was my idea, and since he does so much for his family I doubt it would be a huge deal for him to get one night off, no texting, no brb's, no being a taxi. See if he can talk to his mom and everyone about it, and then maybe you can get that time you've been wanting. It's not naggy to want a little quality time.

[princessmia]

That would be really frustrating.
Well, he said that it would be over soon, right?
What I would do is talk to him about it too...and this time ask him if you both could set away a date. Like a date for a date. That's what my SO and I did when we were busy and we ALWAYS had interruptions, we make a 'date' and we'd tell everyone in our family that we had a 'date.' Usually, we'd just try to watch a movie. But if you use the word 'date' it goes a lot longer. You and your SO should shut off any types of communication as well...tell him no cell phones. Just make the world you and him. Make sure he tells everyone that he'll be unavailable. I'm sure that he's a bit stressed with being constantly busy and trying to make you happy at the same time..so why don't you do something special for him? Even if it's just writing him an email, and sending it at the appropriate time, telling him how much you love him and say what you're going to do the next time you're together to relax him? Like massages, for example. My guy really likes when I talk about doing that for him, because he's a very stressed out guy.
Try the date thing. Be specific. Say you and me time, date.
And when he is busy, pick up a hobby. Do something to pass time. Don't just sit there hoping for a moment alone with him--it's worth it until an extent.
Good luck

P.S: I love your avatar. The Princess Bride is a excellent movie

[nic&matt]

I can't say I know exactly how you feel because unfortunately I'm your SO in this situation...I am WAY more busy than my SO and he can get really aggrivated too. It's one of the main reasons why we argue and it sucks.

1.) Always look from his perspective (which you're doing a great job of, by the way). In his situation, look at all angles. Does he have to do these errands? Is there a reason he's not asking him mom for a night off? Maybe they're already fighting? Maybe he feels under to much pressure?
2.) How am I coming off (you seem like you're being very nice!)? Is he already upset, is this going to send him over the edge? Does he already look guilty? Would pestering do anything or just make him feel bad? Am I using the time he gives me wisely?
3.) It'll pass. Busy seasons come and go. My SO and I talked for an hour maybe two every day. I went through about 2 months if we were lucky to talk 30 minutes every other day. It never lasts forever. Look towards that light at the end of the tunnel.
4.) Believe in him. He's probably trying his very hardest and if he is, it's all you can ask for. If he's anything like me, when he can't talk to you for longer than you wanted, it's probably not as long as he wants to talk also. He might feel really busy and might be giving up his free time he has to fit in time with you because you're special to him.
5.) Be there FOR him. Busy times=stress. People can be pushed easily into panic mode when looking at their schedule. His down-time might be with you and if you spend the precious time asking what's wrong and why can't he ____, it might drive him away. Calmly wait for him, listen to him, and encourage. It's all you can do in a situation like this. If you flip your mindset, it'll switch his. You'll feel much more in tune with him and become a lot more happy yourself, I promise.

Best of luck! Sorry it's a long message. I know how difficult it is but hang in there. It's just a tiny bump in the road. You'll drive over it in no time! Keep us all upated!

[Alisz]

Thanks everyone ^^ It's all really helped a lot <3

@nicole I was probably overreacting about the txts. It really doesn't happen that often. I don't get too many txts because here it's 12am-1am and for him it's 9pm-10pm. I know he makes an effort to cut the conversations short and he's being polite. I have seen him in the past just get annoyed with someone constantly messaging him and ignoring it all together. It was more because it was our "date". We kind of have an unspoken rule about them since we both have a pet peeve about people who initiate txts while you're spending time with them. He's never sent a txt to someone, it's only been replies.

@xopookie Moving out unfortunately isn't really in the cards right now. He just recently got a job after being unemployed for several months. And we're trying to save up for a visit too heh. But yeah, her house, her rules. :/ Like I said, it hasn't been an issue before, but lately they just keep calling for him or barging in. *sigh*

@TknandLvnIt Yeah, it's not so bad because he'll tell me what the conversations are about and who it is. So, it's not like he's hiding anything from me. I'll try to be more patient. ^^

@sabby54 If it doesn't get any better I think I'll mention that to him. I'm pretty sure he has mentioned our "date" and they just ignore it. It's really not something I would want him to get into an argument about with them either. :/

@princessmia It's kinda weird, but we're sorta new to planning dates with each other hehe. We've always just had an understanding to put aside time at night for us. We had tried this time around to play a game, but it fell through and the multiplayer part wasn't working. ^^;; But maybe next time I'll try with a movie. ^^

@nic&matt Thanks for the insight. ^^ I'm really trying to be patient. I guess I've just been running out of it because it all should've been over by now. He's been moving for the past 2 months. First he said they had to be out by the end of Dec. Then it was mid-Jan. Then it was end of Jan. During that time we mostly only had txt messages to communicate. Now that the move is over I guess I feel like things should be back to normal too. Things are better than they were, so I shouldn't complain.

I should probably give him and his mom some time. I can't imagine it's easy on her to move out of her home and back to her father's. By him picking up his sister and her boyfriend it probably eases the pressure off her and negates any potential fights between his mom and sister. I wish he'd talk to me about this stuff more so I wouldn't have to guess...

But you're probably right about our time being his downtime. I've tried to put my feelings aside to be more present in the time we do have to spend together. I don't want to spend it with long talks about a sucky situation that hopefully will get better soon. He knows how I feel, so I guess that should be enough. I can see the efforts and it does help some.

He's also someone who wants to spend the time we have together in a positive way. Which is why he doesn't tell me how he's feeling that often. Only if it's cause for concern. Other than that he thinks after a night's sleep things will be better and it wouldn't have been worth bringing up. I kinda disagree with not telling me if something is bothering him even if it's temporary, but I can't force him to change, so I learn to pick up on how he acts and says to relate to how he's feeling. Which is how I can tell he's not always pleased about the errands and things he has to do. :/

I'll be more patient and understanding. Thanks ^^