Pressure to Schedule a Visit

[Lunar Snow]

I'm feeling a bit pressured to start scheduling a visit.

We haven't seen each other since September and there was some talk or hope about seeing each other for our 1st anniversary in March. We had decided that April would be more practical cost-wise, but in the back of my mind that was also trying to buy more time. Don't get me wrong...I really do want to see him, but I worry about some of the practicalities and awkward situations that could arise. Namely, almost all the concerns boil down to money.

He wants me to come to see him in Kansas again and I do suppose that is fair, since he came to see me last time. Aside from the money issues, and though I did have an overall good time seeing where he lived, I also really associate that trip with some negative experiences, e.g. a major disparity as to where each of us was in the relationship at the time (have really moved on from there, but there was a lot of drama that I still remember), unwelcoming/ jealous friends, and major travel glitches (with sometimes really scary interludes for someone like me who isn't as well-travelled).

I get the feeling, though, that he wants me to contribute more towards dates and the actual travel costs this time than last...which also is fair in theory, but I can't afford it (if he was willing to come here, I could afford to contribute to dates, etc. more than if I was going there). I'm not sure if the reason that he wants me to come there so badly is that he is feeling stubborn about it being my turn, if he genuinely wants to show me more about his life there, or if he has reasons for feeling awkward about visiting here again). (Each time I pay what I can for dates, etc. but it is still always been largely on his shoulders). I don't think he can either. He has been really generous and also seems to have expensive taste in the things we do (and I certainly can't match that). Lately, though, he has been much more honest that he has a lot on his credit cards from previous trips and now that he has graduated, he is dealing with student loans. Then (and I was going to blog about this, but ended up emailing a friend instead), in the snow, someone just totalled his wonderful, little hybrid that he had not only just put a new battery in, but also paid off! So, something about budgeting after all of this seems to have twigged his planning instincts and he is pestering me that we should book my flight soon while there are better deals. Good idea, but where's the money for it? :S Plus, my parents will flip out, since they know my financial situation and also that I have committed money for special dance lessons, etc. for the year and will worry that I will miss out on what little on-call work I have as it is. :S

Long, I know! (I also know I have been lazy about keeping up with some of my threads, but I seem to be constantly catching nasty colds, be dealing with some drama at work or home, caring for sick pets, entertaining relatives, etc.--my apologies!!!).

Any comments? I guess I'm not sure what advice to ask for specifically, because I am not even sure what the next step I should take in this is. I also feel pressure from myself to make a visit happen sooner rather than later. While I am confident we both still are committed to and enjoying our relationship, the distance is becoming quite a strain and this will be the longest wait we have ever had between visits (aside from the time between meeting online and our first visit). I really think we need a visit, or at least the hope of one on the horizon.

[BabyGund]

I'm a firm believer in "if you don't have the money, you can't do it honey." Finances are tight for a lot of people right now, and that is one of the huge sucky parts of LDRs. As much as I wanted to be with The Boy this past week (Jan 26-Feb 2), I simply couldn't afford to buy the plane ticket back in December, during Christmas.

Now if it's just the other issues - drama, friends, travel glitches - this is an opportunity to hopefully correct those bad impressions in your mind.

Is there anyway you can both contribute half to the airfare? Maybe do more free stuff while you are there or more eating meals in as opposed to eating out?

[Mara]

Have you talked to him/explained to him about your money issues? That's the first thing I'd do.

[OliveOyl]

I agree, if you can't afford it, then you can't do it. That is the bottom line. I, unfortunately, have to spend a lot of money on plane tickets to go to Mexico, which could cost a lot, although I try to make traveling as cheap as possible (crossing the border by bus and flying domestically). My SO cannot visit me here, because a) we are not ready to be married or engaged, b) we are both in school and he has a job in Mexico and c) Most Mexicans cannot come to the US even just to visit, especially if you are not wealthy. So, I do carry the financial burden of orchestrating visits when he gets vacation, and it coincides with my vacation.

HOWEVER, because he knows that I spend a lot of money just simply getting to Mexico, he will not let me pay for anything once I am there. He will save portions of his little paychecks specifically for my visit, so when I get there I usually don't have to worry much. But its not like I flat out take advantage of it. We stay at cheap places, stay at his families houses, eat at places with set menus, etc. Only twice did I pay for anything, and I took him out to 2 fancy dinners (one for our 1st official date, and one for our 4 month anniversary). Its really important to budget yourself and live within your means, otherwise you will become extremely stressed out.

[Lunar Snow]

I'm a firm believer in "if you don't have the money, you can't do it honey." Finances are tight for a lot of people right now, and that is one of the huge sucky parts of LDRs. As much as I wanted to be with The Boy this past week (Jan 26-Feb 2), I simply couldn't afford to buy the plane ticket back in December, during Christmas.

Now if it's just the other issues - drama, friends, travel glitches - this is an opportunity to hopefully correct those bad impressions in your mind.

Is there anyway you can both contribute half to the airfare? Maybe do more free stuff while you are there or more eating meals in as opposed to eating out?

Thanks for responding. I am kind of the same way thought-wise, especially for big expenses. My family and I have never really been in the position to be spontaneous about expenses, unfortunately. My SO, on the other hand, is somewhat more of a seize the day and worry about it later sort. He's very responsible and worries about paying bills and such, but I think he is more...maybe willing to sacrifice some things to get what he wants (whereas I try and keep everything in balance and get less of what I want (on a big scale)).

It's not just those issues, but I think you make a really good point. It would be nice to return there and make some more positive memories (there are some from last time, too, but when the distance is pressing on me, I seem to remember the bad ones).

It would be possible for me to pay half of the air fare, as I have been building up my bank account little by little (somewhat better financial shape than I was when I went to visit him before)...but it wouldn't be a good idea (since it would zap my minimal funds and student loans come back a-beckoning in April)--right now, going out to a movie even once a month or even getting necessaries like medications are sometimes too much for me.

The free stuff is a good idea. After posting this, I did get a bit excited looking up events in his town or nearby towns and cities to do that were free or fairly inexpensive. I actually also thought that instead of near the beginning of April, I could suggest to him that part of the visit fall over Easter weekend, so we both would have some guaranteed days where we wouldn't be missing work or extra-curricular classes. The thing about that, though, is that it means a lot of places will be closed or closed early, so there may not be as many inexpensive offerings. Another thing he and I need to try and get more comfortable with is "going Dutch" on dates. I'm a bit old-fashioned and am secretly thrilled to be treated to dates (and, as others have pointed out to me before; I do show my affection and contributions to the relationship in other ways) and also think that if he is insistent on a really posh restaurant for dinner, that he should pay. Sometimes, we will alternate where he pays for a few things for both of us and then I pay for a date for both of us. That's a more casual way of doing it, but I can only do that once or twice in a visit (especially with stuff that becomes pricier, like movies, theatre, private museums)...so, paying our own way for those types of things might be better.

[Lunar Snow]

Have you talked to him/explained to him about your money issues? That's the first thing I'd do.

I thought he was pretty aware that not much had changed with my money issues from last time, but it may be that he needs a reminder. D:

[Lunar Snow]

I agree, if you can't afford it, then you can't do it. That is the bottom line. I, unfortunately, have to spend a lot of money on plane tickets to go to Mexico, which could cost a lot, although I try to make traveling as cheap as possible (crossing the border by bus and flying domestically). My SO cannot visit me here, because a) we are not ready to be married or engaged, b) we are both in school and he has a job in Mexico and c) Most Mexicans cannot come to the US even just to visit, especially if you are not wealthy. So, I do carry the financial burden of orchestrating visits when he gets vacation, and it coincides with my vacation.

HOWEVER, because he knows that I spend a lot of money just simply getting to Mexico, he will not let me pay for anything once I am there. He will save portions of his little paychecks specifically for my visit, so when I get there I usually don't have to worry much. But its not like I flat out take advantage of it. We stay at cheap places, stay at his families houses, eat at places with set menus, etc. Only twice did I pay for anything, and I took him out to 2 fancy dinners (one for our 1st official date, and one for our 4 month anniversary). Its really important to budget yourself and live within your means, otherwise you will become extremely stressed out.

Thanks for your perspective. It's good to hear it from the point of view of someone who is usually paying for the majority of the costs (like he is with me). I think that if he can pay for the flight again this time, that I can be more vigilant about planning what we will do and planning for less expensive things (and maybe being able to afford more contributions to dates). Last time, he wanted to have the luxury of deciding day by day what we would do. I believe, though, that even if having a schedule is kind of lame, it could really help with budgeting both time and money and if he wants me to contribute more financially, then a schedule could really help me.

[Zephii]

I didn't read all the replies so I might repeat something. I'm sorry if that happens, disregard this post in that case.

I really think you both need to sit down and have a long "grown up" talk. Address things like your individual money situation now, and branch that into what happens when you close the distance, what kind of importance he places on money, your attitudes about it etc. Money is the biggest cause of relationships breaking down. So talk about it, and regularly. Tell him that you'd prefer not to do expensive dates if yous do see each other because you need to be smart with what you have. Tell him everything you think on the issue - even the parts you're undecided on.

Also, (prolly better to do it at another time) have a re-cap about the visits you've had in the past. Talk about those old hurt feelings, tell him where you are at emotionally and ask him the same. Ask him if he as any awkwardness from his past visit. Just... talk to each other. That's all my ramble comes down to. Talk and sort it out together.