Dealing with Jealousy

[capybaracastle]

My boyfriend and I are in a temporary long distance relationship. We're about half way through the total time apart, we'll be back in the same city in mid-May. (He'll be back in the US and easier to contact in late-April). I'm going to be seeing him in 29 days... We're both college students and he's studying abroad. It's been tough, for both of us, but we're getting through it and in general things have been really good with us... even when at times it can be really frustrating and sad. - I thought I'd give a little context.

This past week he's been on Spring Break. He has been traveling around Europe. Right now, I think I'm exceptionally frustrated because he called me to chat, and after 2.5 minutes the call dropped! I've been trying to call back and I can't get through. I'm calling from Skype and it keeps saying that "we're sorry. all circuits are busy now. Please hang up and try your call again later." I even tried from my cell phone, though I wouldn't keep a conversation going on it because that would be expensive.

He was with people from his program, but he actually hasn't been getting along with the guys he planned the spring break trip. So my boyfriend was hanging around with people staying in his hostel. Sounded like he had a really nice hostel too, they organized trips, barhopping nights, watching sports games together, so he met some nice people and ended up having a good time even though it started off bad. I was happy about that! He called me Saturday at the start of the trip really upset.

Here's my problem. I've been feeling a little jealous. I know that's probably normal... but I've been pretty good since we started long distance in in the first week of January. He's been going out with people on his program and I haven't had a problem with it. Sure I was jealous in the sense that I wished I was there instead of home. He's doing exciting things and I miss him! But the past few days I've been jealous jealous. Like for some reason I've been afraid some other girl is going to steal him away from me. In the 2.5 minutes I had on the phone with him, I was asking him about the things he's been doing, and he said he's been doing a lot of going out at night drinking and dancing. For some reason the dancing part got to me.... because he wouldn't have had someone to dance with, right?! But the call died and I never asked.

I have no reason not to trust him. It's more my feelings I'm sorting out, and maybe getting an idea of what going out without your boyfriend or girlfriend entails for other people. Is it okay if you/they simply dance with other people? Do you set boundaries like that? I don't want to be controlling, but if he were dancing with another girl...it bothers me. I actually went on a trip abroad in our first two weeks of long distance, but never danced with another guy. A guy on my trip was bothering me about it the whole time, he even said that it shouldn't matter if I have a boyfriend, its 'just' dancing. I was asked by other foreign guys too. But I turned them all down. The idea felt weird for me. I didn't want to dance with anyone else! But my boyfriend and I have not had this conversation. How would you feel about dancing with another person? Or your SO dancing with someone else?

Any insight, advice, or opinions would be appreciated. Also, when you're feeling a little jealous (I assume it happens to others too?) what do you do to calm those feelings? I trust him and know he loves me. I don't want jealousy to ruin anything.

[Tanja]

Whatever you do don't start doubting or accusing him of anything unless you've got a good reason to do so. That is definitely the worst thing you can do.

Other than that, I wouldn't worry too much. Everyone in an LDR feels that way at some point (at least I did) and it's perfectly normal to get a bit paranoid from time to time because you care about the other person and are scared something/someone is gonna steal him away from you.

You say you trust him and know he loves you so it should be fairly easy to put those feelings aside by distracting yourself from thinking about it. When he's out partying do something to occupie yourself with and try not to think about what he's doing or who he's with cause that way your imagination will only start running and you'll get even more suspicious - I've even seen someone convince herself that her boyfriend had an affair even though he didn't but her accusing and suspecting him all the time destroyed what seemed to have been a very good relationship. Don't let that happen to you.

You can tell him that you're jealous and afraid someone's gonna snatch him from you but say it in a loving, caring and not accusing way. He should be willing to reassure you that you have his heart. After that, all you can do is trust him.

[Mio]

I think everybody get a little jealous from time to time. But as Tanja said, if he hasn't given you any real proof of unfaithfulness you shouldn't get too paranoid. About the dancing thing, every couple has it's own rules and guidelines, what you like and what you don't like vice versa. For example, in our personal case it's ok to dance with other people as long as they are friends from before. But some other relationships don't mind about it, or others can totally forbid is. The point is that if you feel like dancing around is not something you like, and is something you don't do, you should tell your boy about it. That way you can both know the points of each other. It is ok to set rules in relationships. I hope you can talk to him soon, I know it's so frustrating when they are away in holiday and you can't reach them!!!

Best wishes!

[Zephii]

Interesting question. Well, to me it depends on each person's deffinition of dancing. Because when Obi "dances" there generally isn't very much, if any, physical contact with the other person, or he'll dance alone in a crowd of people doing the same, so I'm more or less ok with it. But if it was slow dancing, or bump-and-grinding, yeah I'd have a problem with it. Obviously, he dances differently with me than with others.

I'm a very jealous person, and it's hard for me to control that. I go through my mental list of "100 reasons I don't need to worry" and then if it still bothers me, we discuss it.

[MadMolly]

I'm a "dancer" in the sense I work in a dance studio, have daily lessons, teach a bit etc and even though there is a lot of body contact with members of the opposite sex (its swing-salsa style etc) there is no... how do I put this... "untoward behaviour" going on. I think dancing is just a fun way of excercising. If he was doing bumping/grinding clubbing type dancing I dunno how I would feel about that as thats a pretty sexual sort of thing but yeah... I wouldn't worry about it. It's normal to feel jealous like that, I think it's okay, but don't let yourself question him or it would probably hurt him a bit thinking you don't trust him, when it's not that at all!

[lunamea]

Seems like you're in the same (or opposite) situation from me - for my husband and me, I'm the one who's studying abroad and he's back home. I'm looking forward to travelling during spring break, too, although it's always kinda bitter-sweet, because you know you won't have that daily contact.

I also understand your concern about him drinking and dancing. Dancing is a very touchy subject for my hb and me, too. We've actually only recently had a discussion about this. My hb also goes to clubs with his friends but to hang out with them, not to dance. Still, he told me, that a few times, women have come up to him and asked him to dance and when I heard this, even though he turned them down, I was also really jealous! I'm of your opinion on the dancing thing and so is my husband - it might be irrational, but to us, it's not "just" dancing, as there's usually some kind of agenda behind it if strangers ask you to dance with them (when I met my husband, he asked me to dance - and he certainly didn't ask because he wanted to dance! LOL)
I suggest you talk to him and find out what his take on this is - if he'd also be fine with you dancing with another guy, then I guess dancing is just dancing for him. Just have an honest discussion about this and tell him of your concerns.

Now, to curb your jealousy... I found the only thing that helps me is when he assures me or I constantly remind myself that he loves me, so I re-read his emails or think of sweet things he's said to me etc. and that usually makes me feel better.