In a new LDR. Amazing, painful, and want advice.

[Mindflayer]

I met Sara in World of Warcraft two years ago (8 Jan 2009), and we started talking to each other pretty quickly. I was married, she was in a long term relationship, but we were just friends. We talked about everything. She quit the game for a while to deal with her graduate studies and her clinicals, but we still stayed in touch with texts and VOIP chats. We became closer friends, but again, just friends.

I got separated last year, and we both discussed issues surrounding our own relationships. We both spoke openly and honestly about our insecurities, our strengths, what worked for us and what was failing in our lives. We cared for each other deeply and talked to each other daily. We’d text each other daily – sometimes they were just images of what was going on in our lives, mundane, everyday things. We were still “just friends” but we both realize now that the feelings we were having for each other had changed.

In December we had a guild meet, and Sara and a few others came to visit. We had both stressed that this was platonic leading up to the meet. In the back of my mind, I knew I wanted to be with her, but I suppressed it.

I picked her up at the airport. She texted me as I circled the terminal that she was very nervous about meeting me. I wondered if that meant more, but, no, no, we were just friends. I spotted her at the curb and my first thought was, “Wow, her photos don’t do her justice. She’s really pretty.” When I got out of the car to put her bag in the trunk, and we saw each other face to face for the first time in 2 years, I looked into her eyes, and thought, “Uh-oh.”

We both maintained our friendship – stiffly, that first night. The second night, armed with liquid courage, all the feelings and all the love for each other came forth. We spent the rest of the weekend until she left on Tuesday with each other. We discussed a long distance relationship, and said we’d try it – perhaps in time.

I watched her leave the security gate, and went back to my car, where I started to tear up. I knew then I wanted her to be more a part of my life. We chatted that night via texts, and decided over the next few days that yes, we were going to do this.

Over the next month, we talked daily via texts, cell phone, and then Skype. We had always been honest and open with each other, so communication was natural. We hid nothing from each other. We felt comfortable with each other, we felt like we could just be ourselves.

We discussed that when she came to visit again in January that it would be a good test to see how we felt. During the month, though, I came to realize that not only did I love her, I was in love with her. She made me happy, even though the distance hurt.

She visited again on 21 Jan 2011. I had a romantic plan to tell her I loved her, but all those plans meant nothing once I saw her. I longed to tell her when we met in the airport, but I my plans! We went back to my place to get ready for dinner and drop off her bag, and as we hugged, I could not wait any longer – I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me.

We spent the most amazing weekend together. The quiet moments struck me the most - I was actually happy to be quietly enjoying her company.

[Mindflayer]

It has been two weeks since we parted, and only a week before I fly to see her. The separation has been very hard for both of us. We talk to each other all the time and talk nightly on Skype. We still play World of Warcraft together. We both lead our own lives but we both think of each other all the time.

She is a graduate student getting her doctoral degree, and has classes until August. She then has two 16 week clinical sessions, which means unless the University program slots her into a hospital/clinic near me, it may be 16 months before we are together. If we're lucky, it will mean she can join me in January 2012 - still nearly a year apart.

We plan on seeing each other every 3 weeks. We both have commitments - her to school, mine to my career - but we are going to try to stick to every three weeks.

We are both feeling the pain of separation very badly. The last 3-4 nights for us have been very bad. We are wholly dedicated to making this work since we make each other so happy, but the miles hurt.

How do you deal with the pain of separation? It is more acute for us so the romantic side of our relationship just started? Are we just wired to need physical presence more?

[Zephii]

You'll be fine. A lot of people seem to go into panic mode once they start an LDR, and I don't understand that. It's not nearly as hard as some people make out, you just need to get in the hang of it. Three weeks is also pretty good. Really good actualy! So that will help you both. But to answer your question, once you let go and accept the distance it stops being this huge thing. You get to talk a lot which is great. Use the time you have together to build on the feeling that the miles aren't there. With skype you can almost fool yourself that they are there with you.
Distance is a fact, once you accept it you can move on

The biggest thing that helped Obi and I was probably sleeping on skype. I can't handle sleeping alone, I guess it's my "thing", so despite a 5-7 hour time difference we made sure to sleep together nine nights out of ten.

Find out what part of the LDR is hardest for you personally, then find a comfortable substitute.

Welcome to the forum!
Zephi (Nordrassil) Hahah.

[Tanja]

I agree with what Miriam said - the distance can become a HUGE obstacle if you let it. Once you accept that your relationship is going to be a bit different than other people's for a while you'll cope much better. Also remember that the distance is not gonna be there forever, it's only a temporary thing and believe me, once you've been apart for a long time and get to see each other again in person... there's nothing else like it in the world.

[LostInLove]

You can do this! I personally only see my boyfriend every 2-3 months. And we have no plans to close the distance just yet, but if I'm the one to move it'll be about 3 years. So you've got it pretty good as far as LDR's go! I agree with Zephii that you should find what you two struggle the most with, and come up with something to make that better. When I'm down I like to make plans for what we'll do on my next visit. I know we're going skating on the Rideau Canal, so I go on vitrual tours of the skateway, look up things that are happening in the area, stuff like that. Probably won't stick to those plans, but it helps me focus on the good rather than the bad.

Otherwise, just try and focus on the positive. Don't think too much about it being a year until you can close the distance. Instead, think about it being 3 weeks until you see her again, and then another three weeks, and those will start to add up and the year will be over before you know it.

[hippomambo]

Shadow priest? (guessing from the handle)

Really whatever it is that makes the two of you feel most fulfilled/closest is how to handle it. My SO and I play WoW and watch movies together and funny videos. Of course skype helps. Despite the shortfalls of an LDR I guess keeping your mind on the goals (meetups, closing the distance) are what really get you through. At the very least it'll be 6 years before my SO and I might close the distance...the details are blurry at best at the moment and it can get daunting but you hang on to love and hope for the best.

[vpavelock]

Dealing with distance can feel unbearable, but if you look forward to the next time you'll see them and make them a part of your every day routine in some way, it can be done.

[katilady87]

LostInLove,

I also have my days when being in a long distance relationship seems impossible, but I agree looking into ideas I might do with my SO or coming up with cute things to mail to him or message him about really do help a lot. Also going to school full time and working a couple jobs helps me stay somewhat distracted.

[Mindflayer]

I believe a lot of the problem is that this phase of our relationship is brand new. We have been such good friends for long enough to have a very solid foundation of good communication, trust, and honesty. Now we add the romance and the physical side to the mix, and suddenly being apart right at the start is rough, rough, rough. Some days are worse than others for both of us. We talk about it, and comfort each other, and tell each other just XX days, or "Soon", but it's still tough for the both of us. It might also be because I have never felt so connected with anyone, and she says she feels the same way.

Four days now - just four days until we see each other. My heart aches.

That was good advice in not thinking of it as, "God, potentially 16 months apart!" but as "XX days or weeks until..." We also planned out the visits, with the next 30 to 60 days locked down, and then tentative moving beyond that. Knowing we have a long term plan and short term milestones helps a lot.

What I still find amazing is that we have been talking for so long, and yet we can still talk for hours on Skype or on the phone. Skype can be a reminder that we are not together, esp. when you want so badly to reach out and touch the person, but it offers some comfort.

[Silviar]

Don't focus on the longterm, it'll drive you nuts. There's so many important things to enjoy and reach before you close the distance that it's important to focus on them as well.

Leaving someone you love is always hard. I don't think an LDR is particularly harder than any other relationship, as long as you handle it and its particular challenges rather than letting them constantly get to you.

I'm glad your relationship is going so well!

(I also WoW'ed for a long time, but I think I've finally retired my mage/paladin/priest XD)

[Mindflayer]

Three days - I see her on Friday. I am really busy today at work, but also really hurting from missing her.