Emotional Infidelity

[Freckles]

Has anyone else had the misfortune of finding out your SO was emotionally cheating on you, but decided to give them another chance? If so, what's your story and how did/do you cope with it, both individually and as a couple?

Here's my story in a nutshell:

My beau and I had been dating long distance for about 7 months when I found out he had been carrying out an emotional affair for 4 of those months with his overseas ex-girlfriend. To be more specific, he was posting things like "I love and miss you so much" on her Facebook page.

We just happened to be visiting each other in November when I found this, and when I confronted him about it he was mortified! He said he was sorry, held me while I cried, did some crying of his own, said he wants to be with me, and vowed to sever all ties with her. I tried staying with him for the next couple of weeks because that's what I really wanted, but wound up cutting our visit short and leaving him because I was so hurt.

We stayed in touch after the break up, and I slowly started to heal. It really broke his heart when I left, after I'd agreed to work through it with him. Ultimately, we wound up getting back together just a few days into the new year. He has severed all ties with her and we agreed that we'll BOTH have to be committed to making this work.

I can honestly say that our relationship has never been stronger than it is now, but because it was so recent, doubts still creep into my mind from time to time.

So...what advice is there out there from those of you whose relationships have experienced similar devastation and ultimately survived?

[MrsExPrez]

Okay, well I don't necessarily think this is the same thing, but a few months ago my boyfriend was all bent out of shape because his ex girlfriend who broke his heart was talking to his best friend. Constantly texting him, calling him. At first I tried to be supportive even though it bothered me that he was so concerned with his ex and what she was doing vs. his relationship with me, but at the same time I knew what it was like to hurt over an ex. Eventually though he was getting short tempered with me and frustrated with the situation and it affected our own relationship in a negative way. He worried he might have still been in love with her.

Even though I do not recommend this to anyone in a similar situation, I cut ties with him for a little bit. I think he had time to reflect and realize that he had a good girl that would never hurt him the way his ex did. We got back together and worked it out, and I have not had any problems with that woman since then.

To be quite honest with you, I would hold on to those doubts for a little while. Obviously you don't want to be nagging and intrusive and completely mistrusting, but at the same time, I don't think you should jump back in full force. That advice comes from not wanting you to get your hopes up. Just keep it in the back of your mind, look out for red flags.

If the relationship seems healed and you feel as though he has really improved his behavior - AND you want to continue the relationship - then you do need to give him another real chance.

I have no idea if this was helpful. But I hope everything works out for the best for you!

[vpavelock]

In that circumstance, I think the best thing to do is talk to your SO to see what emotional needs you are not fulfilling (because the needs are obviously not physical, if he is only straying by talking to another person.) See what you can personally do to make him feel more connected to you and feel more loved. I believe that emotional infidelity is a means to get the attention you want from your lover to someone that will give it to you (it's a replacement for the affection they really want from YOU.) I hope this helps, and I hope you can work past this little barrier! Best of luck!

[Lynivi]

I have been in a similar situation just last year with my fiance. At the time, we were just living 30 mins away from each other and I also caught him flirting with girls and his ex's. I did not speak up about it and it went on for about 2 months until I had enough of it and confronted him about it and broke up. He felt horrible about it and after a month or so, I began dating him again. Of course the doubt and the thoughts are still there. After a while, it will not be so fresh in your mind if he really proves and shows that he only wants you. I let him know that flirting or anything of that sort will not be allowed in our relationship. He even gave me his passwords to everything on his one to show me he won't ever do that again. Now we live more than 1000 miles apart and I trust he won't emotionally or physically cheat on me. Emotional cheating can lead to physical cheating and I'm glad you were able to talk to your bf about it before it lead to more. But just don't nag about it constantly, and give him some trust and then you'll see if he stops or not. Don't think about it so often either because it can ruin every thing. Good luck with your relationship!

[Silviar]

Emotional cheating is like physical cheating in that once trust is broken, the only thing that can regain it is time. You're going to need that time to be able to trust, and he's going to have to be on his best behavior. Just give yourself time.

[Freckles]

Thanks to everyone who has replied so far for your input and insight! <3 I didn't mean to come across as sounding like I'm constantly nagging him about it. Just because the doubts surface in my own mind doesn't mean I open my mouth every time. I certainly don't do that. I know a lot of it stems from my own insecurities, for which I'M the one who is responsible, not him. However, one has to admit that you can't just sweep it under the rug either. It's a fine line, but I strive to maintain a "team" mentality about it.

In that circumstance, I think the best thing to do is talk to your SO to see what emotional needs you are not fulfilling (because the needs are obviously not physical, if he is only straying by talking to another person.) See what you can personally do to make him feel more connected to you and feel more loved. I believe that emotional infidelity is a means to get the attention you want from your lover to someone that will give it to you (it's a replacement for the affection they really want from YOU.) I hope this helps, and I hope you can work past this little barrier! Best of luck!

vpavelock, I think you're absolutely right. I know now that the first go at our relationship wasn't very healthy. Neither of us were prepared for a relationship when we first met; he was shipped to the same city I lived in on a business trip and we proceeded with what we thought was going to be a mere "locationship", as I like to put it. So, as trite as it may sound, the relationship just sort of "happened" to us and we were both ill-prepared at the time. Our biggest problem the first go-round was communication, so we didn't "connect" like we should have.

Since we got back together we've identified our general lack of communication (we've always talked on a daily basis, but not about our feelings, expectations, etc.) as the culprit and have resolved ourselves to improving upon that and not just running away from our issues. We definitely still have a lot of work to do and I don't want to assume anything, especially when it comes to his needs and feelings. I'll be taking a road trip to go visit him this week (yay! ), and I've already mentioned to him that I'd like for us to spend some time figuring out TOGETHER exactly what went wrong so we can avoid it in the future. Thanks for your advice and support!