trust issue? or something else?

[Miramaid]

Well things like that have been discussed here before, but I guess I want your guys opinion/support/advice.
I asked my BF what he was going to do tonight and he said he may hang out with his friend and he also said that that friend proposed to go to a club tomorrow night and if I would be ok if he went. Here I have to say, my BF is 30 and his friend is either the same age or couple years older and JUST got a divorce. Also, my BF doesn't actually like clubs and ever since we have been dating, he never once went (i went once in the very beginning of our relationship and I too do not like clubs and never went after that and for a long time before that).
Anyways, I told him that I was not thrilled about the idea, I would be ok if he went and if he would call me when he gets home. HE said he would call me but in addition he started picking a fight...He said (quote):
"When you were here during one of our arguments you said you felt like you haven't been able to make friends (in BTR) and do the things you like bc of me. One of the things you mentioned was going to a club, and I asked you the same thing, "I thought you didn't like going to the club?" But that is one of the things you mentioned. And didn't you go to a club with your friend early in our relationship because "she wanted you to go"?? "

I told him that I do not like clubs and he knows that and that during that argument I mentioned a club along with other things that I felt like I was not able to do BUT that I understood why he was concerned about me not doing those things and that I was WILLINGLY not doing those so he felt more comfortable and secure knowing that I do not run around with smb else here.

Long story short: he is going to go. And no I am not comfortable about it BECAUSE even though I do not know his friend much, I am pretty sure that he wants to go to a club to hook up with somebody after a divorce. I never once felt like he DID NOT WANT to get a divorce and I saw him flirting with a young girl and stuff...I know that my BF cheated on his ex GFs before and I do not know how easily influenced he is. I am concerned about this whole thing and I am just being honest here. I told him that I was concerned about it too and I told him why. Well he is still going to go and there is not much I can do about it. And again, he doesnt even like clubs...

[Sarah M]

I hope that he's doing this for his friend, who despite what you say, may be hurting because of the divorce and wants to regain his self-esteem. I hope that your boyfriend is a strong wing-man and simply sits by while his friend develops his confidence. But I don't know. Keep positive and all will be well.

[Zephii]

Have you ever heard of being a wingman? You should google this

Other than that, if he's going to cheat - he'll cheat. That's just how it is. Going to a club wont make it more likely, it just gives him opportunites if he is inclied to do so, and really if he is, better that he does it and you find out now than years down the track when you're married.

[Alisz]

Well, it sounds like he's going to the club to cheer up and help his friend. You can't really fault him for that... I mean, I've done lots of things I didn't really want to do because a friend was feeling down and that was what they wanted to do. Going to a club doesn't mean everyone who walks in has to (or can) hook up with someone. :/

I think he feels like you're being a bit controlling and not trusting him, so it's made him go on the defense. That he feels like he trusts you to go out, but you don't for him. I understand he's cheated on other exes, but has he ever cheated on you? If not, then you don't have a reason to not trust him. Trust is important in a relationship and even more in a LDR. If he loves you, then trust that what he says is true and that he's being honest with you.

[Lynivi]

Hey I just read your post and there's a few things I would like to tell you. One, a couple should always respect what the significant other says and is not comfortable with. This means that if you don't want him to go clubbing, he should respect that and not go, or at least take you with him even though you don't like going either. Clubs are a place to be with someone you like or to go to hook up with some stranger. I am not saying that he will definitely cheat on you, but I am saying there are going to be women that will try to dance with him, get his number, etc. I'm not trying to worry you, but women have very strong intuitions. If you believe he is capable of cheating and will do it, then surely enough he will. Listen to your gut feeling and follow through with it. Maybe even show up at the club with some friends to make sure nothing disrespectful is going on if you really don't trust him. With no trust there is no relationship capable of surviving. Take care and good luck.

[Miramaid]

I do not go out BECAUSE he doesnt feel secure about it and my relationship with him is more important to me than us having issues over night clubs

[Miramaid]

Hey I just read your post and there's a few things I would like to tell you. One, a couple should always respect what the significant other says and is not comfortable with. This means that if you don't want him to go clubbing, he should respect that and not go, or at least take you with him even though you don't like going either. Clubs are a place to be with someone you like or to go to hook up with some stranger. I am not saying that he will definitely cheat on you, but I am saying there are going to be women that will try to dance with him, get his number, etc. I'm not trying to worry you, but women have very strong intuitions. If you believe he is capable of cheating and will do it, then surely enough he will. Listen to your gut feeling and follow through with it. Maybe even show up at the club with some friends to make sure nothing disrespectful is going on if you really don't trust him. With no trust there is no relationship capable of surviving. Take care and good luck.

We are in a LONG DISTANCE relationship and there would be no way for me to know what he did at that club

[Lynivi]

Honestly you will know if he is being shady. He will start acting or talking to you differently, give you less attention, argue with you more, and etc. Hopefully he is just going to make his friend happy and not to do anything else.

[BabyGund]

Hey I just read your post and there's a few things I would like to tell you. One, a couple should always respect what the significant other says and is not comfortable with. This means that if you don't want him to go clubbing, he should respect that and not go, or at least take you with him even though you don't like going either. Clubs are a place to be with someone you like or to go to hook up with some stranger. I am not saying that he will definitely cheat on you, but I am saying there are going to be women that will try to dance with him, get his number, etc. I'm not trying to worry you, but women have very strong intuitions. If you believe he is capable of cheating and will do it, then surely enough he will. Listen to your gut feeling and follow through with it. Maybe even show up at the club with some friends to make sure nothing disrespectful is going on if you really don't trust him. With no trust there is no relationship capable of surviving. Take care and good luck.

I'm going to disagree with part of this. I went to clubs and it's not with someone I like (unless you count my friends) and I was definitely not trying to hook up with strangers. You can go to the club with your friends and just have it be a time to hang out and have some drinks.

Honestly, Tissa, I think you are overreacting a bit. I think you and SO both are. There are some trust issues here, on both sides and if you two can't work those out, why bother in the LDR?

[Silviar]

You could be short distance and not know what he did at the club. It doesn't take long distance for someone to cheat or do something shady.

[Miramaid]

I know that. What concerns me if that he was defensive and that he did not say "Hey my friend is not feeling good and needs some fun time and I just want to be there to support him" they are not even that good of friends, just acquaintances and despite me saying that I was not comfortable with the idea and why and that yeah he could still go, but I had my reasons, he still turned everything on me and did not even consider that may be it would be nice to not make his girlfriend feel uncomfortable

[Freckles]

Tissa, what troubles me is the fact that he asked you how you felt about it/if you're okay with it, then disregarded your response. Why ask if you don't take the answer into consideration?

I wouldn't assume that he's intending to cheat per se, otherwise he wouldn't have brought it up at all. Idk for sure, but I would advise you to give both of you time to calm down, then let him know that you feel like he didn't take your feelings into consideration, especially when he seemed like he wanted to. If he ultimately went out of rebellion against you, you certainly don't want to further his defense. Just breathe, give it some time, then broach the subject again when neither of you are too upset about it. When you do bring it up again, be as objective as possible, and let him know how you feel. Just try, try, try not to become defensive yourself. I know it's hard not to, but as long as you're both fighting about it, nothing will get resolved. Pose it as a problem that you need his help on finding the solution to. Guys like to fix things.

Good luck, darling.

[rivi87]

Yea I felt the same way when me and my SO first started dating but I'm def over it now and trust him completely. That being said we both have our own social lives outside eachother. I dont expect him to sit at home all the time and he feels the same. We both go out with friends and have a good time. Just because you go to the club does not mean you are looking for something else.

Like some other of the ladies on here said trust is HUGE in a LDR. If you can't trust him then what do you have? Good luck to both of you!

[Miramaid]

the more I think about it, the more I get sad and do not see why he did what he did and was so inconsiderate and if he even cares about me at all...I really feel that I try not to create difficult situations and accommodate his needs and ease his insecurities, but there is not as much that I get in return :'(

[Alisz]

Hey I just read your post and there's a few things I would like to tell you. One, a couple should always respect what the significant other says and is not comfortable with. This means that if you don't want him to go clubbing, he should respect that and not go, or at least take you with him even though you don't like going either. Clubs are a place to be with someone you like or to go to hook up with some stranger. I am not saying that he will definitely cheat on you, but I am saying there are going to be women that will try to dance with him, get his number, etc. I'm not trying to worry you, but women have very strong intuitions. If you believe he is capable of cheating and will do it, then surely enough he will. Listen to your gut feeling and follow through with it. Maybe even show up at the club with some friends to make sure nothing disrespectful is going on if you really don't trust him. With no trust there is no relationship capable of surviving. Take care and good luck.

I have to kinda disagree. As Zelphii said earlier, if he's going to cheat he'll find a way to cheat. Sure, some people go to clubs to hook up, but it's possible to go there to have a good time without that. Clubs aren't my thing, but my brother has worked at clubs all his life and I can assure you there are people who go there just to drink, dance and have a laugh while single or attached with the absence of your partner.

Once upon a time I was worried about other women too, but my boyfriend said something to me that I will always remember. He controls what happens to him, not them. Nothing can happen unless he allows it. And he posed the same to me. If some guy was flirting with me and trying to touch me, I have the choice to tell him to back off and make him stop. I do not have to allow anything to happen that I don't want to happen.

I do not go out BECAUSE he doesnt feel secure about it. I mean if I do it is never a club and I do not like clubs.

We are in a LONG DISTANCE relationship and there would be no way for me to know what he did at that club

I know that. What concerns me if that he was defensive and that he did not say "Hey my friend is not feeling good and needs some fun time and I just want to be there to support him" they are not even that good of friends, just acquaintances and despite me saying that I was not comfortable with the idea and why and that yeah he could still go, but I had my reasons, he still turned everything on me and did not even consider that may be it would be nice to not make his girlfriend feel uncomfortable

Well, if that's your outlook then I'm sorry to say I'm going to be brutally honest with you. LDRs aren't for everyone. You HAVE to trust and respect your partner because there's no way you can expect them to sit at home and talk to you all the time. People need to go out and see their friends and family and unfortunately you can't tag along. That's just how the distance works. If you both can't deal with that, then you both should really rethink if LDR is for you guys. I only say this because as the relationship goes on it's gonna get harder and you're going to get more upset/resentful if you both can't let each other have a life away from the computer.