trust issue? or something else?

[rivi87]

Alisz- Really couldnt say it better myself...because in the end it looks like neither one of you trusts the other and the last thing you need to is to be wondering if both of you are being faithful to eachother if you go out with other friends. I mean relationships are supposed to be enjoyable not stressful. It doesent sound like either one of you trust eachother and until you do I don't know how much further your ldr can go. But I still wish you the best of luck figuring it out

[Miramaid]

We both have trust issues and KNOW it and admitted that a while ago and he decided to work on trust. Well to me developing and working on broken trust is NOT trying to test each other and put each other in questionable situations. I know I try not to do that to him and I know he appreciates it but at the same time he doesnt think that I should expect him to act like me or smth... I know that I need security and I told him that. He is now out with his friend again (last night they went out too). Now they are eating sushi and they are going to watch a movie and he will be home late. He asked me if I felt better and if I wanted him to call me after the movie and I told him that I did not know and that I was too emotional right now and wanted to calm down. I asked him to text me and if I am not asleep we could talk. He said "You still not calm after our earlier talk. I will try to talk to you tomorrow"....Just like that. No "I love you" no nothing

[Lunar Snow]

Sorry in advance that I can't read through all the posts--I read a few earlier and my neck is really hurting, so I should get off the computer!

Anyway, I have to say that I get where you are coming from, as I think you might be feeling a little blasted here by other opinions and it is comforting to hear you aren't insane, bad, or doomed in love from someone who has felt similar things. Like others say, it is ultimately him that makes the choice to cheat. I also agree that trust in LDRs is very important and should be encouraged. However, I also want to point out that I think he's really putting tension on your trust. People change, but it can feel really disillusioning when someone's qualities that we fell for are suddenly altered. It seems like one of the things you two liked about each other is that you didn't feel the need to go clubbing. I don't think that you are trying to keep him in a cage by expressing that you feel uncomfortable with his sudden desire to go clubbing. Yes, we all need friend time and also to be supportive to our friends, but the line about clubbing was already drawn in your relationship and I don't think it is overreacting to feel upset that he transgressed that line and really hasn't reassured you about his intentions well.

As someone else pointed out, I think what is really nasty here is that he asked how you would feel about it, you expressed how you felt, and then he was rather stubborn and rude about his decisions. Yes, just because he's going to a club, doesn't make him a cheater or a potential cheater, but with the way he is going about it...of course you are going to feel insecure!

Regarding hanging around a lot with divorced friends when you are in a serious couple, I am sure there are all sorts of opinions and variations on what can happen with that...good, bad, ugly, and everything in between. To share a personal story, though (and just so I don't get lambasted...I will remind everyone that this is one instance),a family member's best friend had a very nasty, bitter divorce. For years, that friend has been feeding my family member really nasty thoughts on marriage and also encouraging him to do some things that really have poisoned my family member's marriage. Yes, my family member could make the decision to not listen to things or participate in these things, but it also came on slowly and started with him trying to comfort a friend that was newly divorced. I don't think you should drive a wedge between your guy and this friend at all, but I do think that your guy needs to be open with you about what he's up to with this friend and why it's important...and, for goodness sake, reassure you a little and remind you that he loves you!

[Freckles]

@ Lunar Snow: Amen, sista!

@ Tissa: what she said!

[Miramaid]

There are so many things going through my mind....it will be late at night and I know I would not sleep ok without talking to him but I am afraid after talking to him I may not sleep at all.

What should I tell him? Spill all my guts to him about every thing that concerns me and that I am afraid for out relationship and stuff? Or what? :'(

[rivi87]

Well glad he's gonna call you..I mean problems (esp in LDRs) dont get better in time in my experience. I would tell him how you feel. Put it on the table how exactly you are feeling and how you want to go about fixing it. I mean if you only say part of it it will eat you up inside and things like that tend to come up at bad times. Thats just my opinion though..Good luck with your talk..hope it goes well

[Freckles]

:'( x 100000000000000 i sent him a text saying that i loved him and asked him to call me after the movie with his friend tonight. HE said he will so I will talk to him in like a couple of hours, and I am afraid coz I still do not know what to talk about with him or HOW. There are so many things going through my mind....it will be late at night and I know I would not sleep ok without talking to him but I am afraid after talking to him I may not sleep at all.

What should I tell him? Spill all my guts to him about every thing that concerns me and that I am afraid for out relationship and stuff? Or what? :'(

Yes!

Be strong, sweetie! I can tell your heart is breaking because of this. Let him know this; by any and all means! You are not expected to solve this all by yourself. Be SURE to let him know that you need his help with this and try your very best to create an atmosphere where he feels INVITED to do so. All the best, and let us know how it pans out. Good thoughts!

[Miramaid]

well we talked and i tried not to be emotional but i ended up dropping some tears. The conversation did not end too well. I asked him why he wanted to go to a club and he gave me reasonable responses saying that he doesnt get invited to go somewhere a lot, so he wants to take an opportunity to go while he is invited, so next time he can be invited again, and he is glad to have someone actually inviting him to do something. He asked me why i am concerned about HIM going to the club, that he gets it that I do not like his friend that much and he may not be the person with the best values, but what did it have to do with him? And many things he said were reasonable, like that why can't I just be happy he gets to get out of the house.

What I told him how it felt to me. I told him that I understand that I should not be feeling the way I do, and that yes I am concerned about "peer pressure" especially knowing that his friend wants to meet someone coz he is alone (his friend told my BF that), I told him that i was feeling lonely and past three evenings he was hanging out with his friend and I am here alone and yes I miss him and I just want to feel loved...
Well all that he did not get. He thought I was unreasonable and irrational. He started crying...his eyes got wet. I told him I loved him. HE did not respond. I asked him why he was crying an he said "I am tired of this crap. I am going to go to bed. I love you" and hung up :'( (it was all on Skype) I sent him a text message saying that I thought it was not fair to me to not tell me what is it that he called "crap" an I said taht I too loved him very much and he meant a lot to me. He replied "You did the same earlier today when you were too emotional to talk on YAhoo" I sent him "I love you" and he did not send anything back


Our relationship is a roller coaster :'( I love him to death and I KNOW he loves me...I do not know why and how it happens that we always torture each other. We both are very insecure and jealous...I do not know what to do and how to act now. Also I became paranoid in this relationship. I never was paranoid before in any of my relationship and even my mom said that she doesnt remember me to be like that before.

[Stina83]

Hey Tissa, I hope that you're feeling a little better today?
From this and other posts it does sound like this relationship is more torture to you than happiness. Perhaps I'm wrong, but maybe you should sort of 'keep count' a little bit, like seriously notice if this is making you more happy than sad. Because it's tough going through this roller coaster all the time, I've been there too.
Anyway, I understand that you don't trust each other and that you're working on the trust. I can see where your bf is coming from with the club. Like others have already said, it's very important not to keep each other in a cage. I don't see anything wrong with going clubbing with your friends, it doesn't have to be about meeting other people, it can just be about drinking and having a good time with friends. So yeah.. definitely comes down to the trust. That being said, I also feel that you should respect each other's opinions and not do anything that makes the other one uncomfortable. And I feel that the way he has handled this situation is not at all fair to you. However, you need to remind yourself that he WILL cheat if he's going to cheat.. doesn't matter if he goes out to a club or not, he may stay home and meet someone online too. Point is, it's not about that.. he won't get tempted in a club if he's completely dedicated to your relationship.
Good luck, I hope you're feeling a little better and that you'll talk things out with him

[Miramaid]

I do not know how to talk to him today and if I should even call him or anything and what to say to him. I do not really feel better today. I feel like I felt when he broke up with me or smth...I feel that I hate being so insecure and I hate to have to admit that and I am afraid that he will in fact do something stupid and then throw it back at me that he did it because I forced him to with my behavior. I would like for him to ease my mind sometimes you know...All I need sometimes is to simply hear he loves me and he would never do anything to break that love, but when he gets in a defensife mode I do not hear that at all and ...
Anywyas. Thank you all for your support

[Zephii]

You don't want to hear this. But I'm going to just come right out and say it because that's just how I am. Read it a few times. Get angry at me all you like. Try to take some of it to heart.

If your personal issues are so intense that you can't handle him just going to the club you need theripy. It's just a club. Are you going to try and stop him going to work or the gym or the supermarket too? No BBQ's at friends houses, and then no movie nights? He could easily meet with and cheat on you with people from any of these locations. People need social interaction with other people. He has the right as a free human being to have a social life. Yes, to some extent I agree that he needs to be sensitive to your emotions and try not to make you uncomfortable but there needs to be a balance or it just turns into a controling manipulative nightmare. Sure, you have the right as his gf to request time together, you have the right to say "Don't have sex with/kiss/flirt/etc with anyone other than me" that's fine. But trying to control where he goes or what he does is wrong. Yeah, if he spent 5 nights a week at the club, you could be saying "this isn't ok". But once in a blue moon? No. You are being unreasonable because you don't know how to manage your own insecurity.

Try to work on yourself rather than changing him, and if he really is so untrustworthy, for Gods sake leave him and find someone you can actually have some faith in.

I'm not trying to be mean, but I wont coddle you or tell you what you want to hear

[Miramaid]

i did not wanot to hear what I wnated to hear and I realize myself that in NORMAL relationship this should not be a problem and I told him that and I told him that I di not know WHY i felt the way i felt but I did.
I have been seeing counseling so thanks for advice but it is done already.

[Moon]

i did not wanot to hear what I wnated to hear and I realize myself that in NORMAL relationship this should not be a problem and I told him that and I told him that I di not know WHY i felt the way i felt but I did.
I have been seeing counseling so thanks for advice but it is done already.
This relationship has a LOT of red flags and that is the reson why i feel so insecure

Jesus, Tissa, why are you still in this relationship then??? I mean you post these same issues constantly, you're in a seriously unhealthy relationship, and you aren't paying any attention to the tons of advice you're given. What exactly are you doing to yourself here? Like Zephii, I won't coddle you and don't care how you feel about me, but my god, girl, have some respect and faith in yourself! If you and this guy don't trust each other, then guess what? You don't have a real relationship, just drama, drama, drama. If that's how you want to live your life, then more power to ya, but if not, listen to what everybody is telling you in the many threads you've posted.

You cannot have an LDR without trust.
You cannot have an LDR without your own life.
You cannot have an LDR without commitment.
You cannot have an LDR without respect.

I can't see where you have any of these things, and they aren't things that happen later. At what point do the red flags you're aware of reach over and smack you in the head? Do something for yourself and get out of this, you don't need a relationship to be fulfilled. Take some time and get yourself figured out and healthy enough for a relationship.

My intentions aren't to be mean to you, but I'm having trouble understanding why you'd allow yourself to be so miserable all the time, when its totally unnecessary. You don't have to live like this, you know.

[Miramaid]

@ Moon I am asking myself a question every day about WHY I am with someone who doesn't trust me to an extent that he thinks I will send a friend over tonight to stalk him and see if he comes back home with a girl after a club. I NEVER did anything like that and him saying that was very painful, but he believes that this is something I really am capable of doing. I asked him why he was with me then, if he believes that I am a liar and a stalker and he said because he loved me.

Anyways. I wrote him a letter. It is pretty long. I did not send it yet. And again thank you all for you support!

[Stina83]

You know Tissa, I agree with Moon and Zephii. You do need to get out of this. I know that's not what this thread was about, and it's probably not going to make a difference what people are saying here, but seriously.. this is not healthy and you can do better, it sounds like you're a great girl. You're just being dragged down by all the drama in your relationship.
I was in a similar situation once, so I DO know where you're coming from. I, too, was blind to what everyone was telling me, how my ex would always put me down, be controlling and treat me badly in many ways. I did know these things, but I didn't want to face them so I kept lying to myself thinking that I could save him and make everything alright.. and that maybe if I lost the weight he wanted me to lose, he'd love me etc. etc. I would also constantly worry about when he went out, he went clubbing every weekend, sometimes for days. We were together only for a year, and during that year he managed to take away any self-esteem that I had and I completely lost my sense of myself. It just got worse and worse and I got more and more obsessed about saving our relationship and trying to be who he wanted me to be. You might say that 'this is not the same situation', but I see many similarities here.. I was feeling many of the things that you're feeling and I thought my life would end when he broke up with me finally. In fact I actually considered that, bc I couldn't stand feeling as bad as I did.
I obviously now know that this was the best thing that ever happened to me, that he broke up with me. I finally know what real love is and I know now how I deserve to be treated. My point is, Tissa, that you need to end this, get through the hard months afterwards, but time will heal, and you will be a much happier person. I promise you!
You may not listen or agree, but I hope you'll just think about this a little bit. Good luck.