trust issue? or something else?

[BabyGund]

I'm very big into inspirational and motivational quotes. Here are a few I thought you could use.

Dressing yourself in confidence means never hanging your self worth on the hanger of someone else's opinion.

Always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Winnie the Pooh

With or without someone in the passenger seat, you are the driver of your life and can take whatever road you choose.

Good luck.

[Alisz]

I'm sorry to say, but as I said before, your responses sound like you're not cut out be in a LDR. It's ok. It's not for everyone. I have a friend who tried very briefly being in a LDR. She couldn't handle it because she says she needs physical contact. She really liked the guy, but it was a dealbreaker for her. And that's fine. ^^ But LDRs require a lot more trust, respect, and patience.

Just take a step back and look at the situation. Really look at it from an objectionable point of view. You're freaking out over one night at a club. What's going to happen when you find out it's going to take 2 years, 3 years, 4 years till you can be together? Could you handle that? I'm sorry if I'm sounding mean. It's not because I want to be mean. I just wouldn't want you to waste your time in a relationship you're not happy in. You deserve to be happy.

If you guys can work things out, then that's great! But it takes 2 people and sometimes you've got to just swallow your emotions and let them prove you wrong. Let him go to the club. What do you have to lose? If you force him to stay at home with you, he could resent you and you'll blame yourself. If you let him go, he could cheat on you and he could not. But you won't know unless you LET HIM GO. That's what trust is. ^^

I hope the best for you guys and that things do work out. But if things don't go as well, don't blame yourself too much. Some people just can't handle LDRs and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Miramaid]

I didn't not let him go. I was just being honest and I said to him that I was not comfortable about him going especially with a guy who just got a divorce and who may want to hook up with somebody. Because things have been tense between us and I know he cheated on his ex GFs I fear taht he may as well do that to me.
I did not not let him go, but I got this whole bucket of dirt on me for making him feel like he couldnt go, he brought up all the bad things about what has been going on between us and how it was my fault, how I can not expect him not to do something and stuff like that. He even said that he thinks I may send a friend to stalk him and see if he comes home alone or not! WTF???

[Silviar]

Tissa, I hope whatever response he gives you that you will do what's right for YOU. He may try to talk you into staying and not change. I know that's been the problem in several of your posts. Don't let him talk you into staying if he can't show some real change. Talk and no walk is no good.

If you break up with him and work on improving your life, we're all here to support you. You don't have to leave if you break up. But please, read this thread. Read your past threads. Look at all of the hurt, pain, distrust, and dysfunction you've talked about. And look at how far you've come. Do you want to continue this, can it really be improved, or do you need to move on? Only you can answer that. All the advice in the world that we give is useless if it can't be acted upon.

[Zephii]

I don't think there's any more I can say other than to leave such a distructive relationship, heal, work on your issues, and then try again.

Love is NOT all it takes.

Blessings and carrots.

[Alisz]

Since you can't seem to see it. I'll break it down for you.

I didn't not let him go.

Of course you can't not let him go because you're not physically there. But you're preventing him from having a good time which can be a downer. Most people will just forget about doing the whole thing because it's lost its appeal.

I was just being honest and I said to him that I was not comfortable about him going especially with a guy who just got a divorce and who may want to hook up with somebody.

It's great that you're communicating with him, but your feelings are coming from a place of insecurity. Hey, we've all been there. But too often do they blind us into thinking irrationally about the situation.

Because things have been tense between us and I know he cheated on his ex GFs I know taht he may as well do that to me. I know that.

This is where the insecurity bleeds out and becomes irrational. Ok, he fucked up in the past. But people can change and often their mistakes can make them a better person in the end. If he wanted to cheat on you he would've went to a club without telling you. He would've said, "Hey, I'm going out with some friends. I'll talk to you later." Or not even that. It's been drilled in this thread that if he was going to cheat on you, he would. YOU ARE NOT HIS EX GIRLFRIENDS. He hasn't cheated on you (at least you haven't said he has), so you have no logical reason to doubt his faithfulness. You said in your letter you wanted to keep things in the past, well, this is his past! His present is with you.

I did not not let him go, but I got this whole bucket of dirt on me for making him feel like he couldnt go, he brought up all the bad things about what has been going on between us and how it was my fault, how I can not expect him not to do something and stuff like that. He even said that he thinks I may send a friend to stalk him and see if he comes home alone or not! WTF???

Put yourself in his shoes. It's hurtful for a partner to accuse the other of cheating or wanting to cheat when there is no reason for it. The reason he's been acting like this, I'll bet is because you're so hell bent that he's going to cheat on you. The only argument you can come up with is that he's done it in the past. Different people and different circumstances. By accusing him of all this shit you've guilt tripped him into not going or at the very least not having a good time. I would say in this situation, you are a bit to blame. Not because you shared your feelings, but because you seem unrelenting in getting your way or to listen. To be frank, you've been acting kinda crazy... That's what my boyfriend would call it and I've been there before. It was harsh for your SO to say that, but he was probably just frustrated because he feels like he can't go out with who he wants to. Maybe if he'd gone out with his friend and acted in a way you didn't like, that would be a different story. But right now you've been accusing him of things he hasn't done. You can't blame him for being upset about that.

I do not know if LDR is for me. We were not always LDR. And I know it will be years before we MAY BE not gonna be LDR. So yes I do not know...may be it is not for me :'( AND I do not deserve to be treated like that

Like I said, it's ok. You deserve someone who treats you better and who you can feel comfortable with. It might not be the LDR and it could be the relationship is toxic in itself. But I can see that it's bringing out the worst in you. I've been there. I was with a guy for 2 years LDR and the entire time it was non-stop fighting. I acted in ways that I had never ever thought I could act or say. I was disappointed and angry with myself. But I stayed with him because I was so blinded by love and I didn't want to be alone. But the experience has made me stronger and a better person. I know we've been kinda harsh on you, but sometimes in order for someone to wake-up they need a good slap. Tough love, I'm sorry. We'll be here if you need e-shoulders to cry on. That's what this place is for. It's to help each other out. Maybe you guys don't need to call it quits completely, but I do think you need a break from him. Take some time away from the relationship and do things that you like to do and make you happy. Whether it be just for a weekend, a week, a month or more. Collect the pieces of yourself and clear your head. <3

[Miramaid]

Thank you Alisz!

[Marikusa]

I think that you're overreacting a bit. I've gone to clubs with no intention of hooking up with someone and without the person i liked.. I think that this is definately a trust issue. I think its fine for you to express your concern, but i disagree with Lynivi saying that he shouldnt go out of respect for you.
I think that you should trust in him. Its not fair to hold his past actions against him. Just because he cheated on his exes doesn't mean he will cheat on you.. Although, i can understand why you are worried.
Still, if he was going to cheat it, he'd cheat. Its not like hes more likely to cheat because he went to a club.

Trust is a really important part in a relationship, and sure its normal to feel insecure sometimes, but dont let it get to the point where you start restricting what he does. Just let him go.. It's no big deal. It's probably worse if he doesnt go and then holds that against you.

Good luck

--
EDIT: Sorry, i was way too late.

[OliveOyl]

gotta trust that your boy loves you and respects you enough to control his urges. im sure the friend needed a wingman, or to just have a friend to have fun with. I go to clubs a lot, my boyfriend doesn't. He trusts me enough to know I'm not hooking up with guys or anything, but always tells me "cuido lo que es mio" which means, "take care of what is mine". Very macho, but I do, because even though I don't see myself as a piece of property, I did make a promise to him, and I honor that. So, it is just a trust thing. I don't think you can live in the Boyfriends past either.

I have struggled a lot with this very issues, and I've just concluded that since I am sooooo far away, I can't go follow him around to make sure he is telling the truth, I have to trust him. Just like he has to trust that I am being faithful to him. Its tooouuuggghhh! half of me does want to follow him around and make sure he is being honest, but I have been able to live by my heart a lot more than before my LDR. It is strange, Its actually HELPED my trust issues rather than hinder, which I think is strange

[Mindflayer]

Don't worry about what he might do. That will eat you alive as you descend into the rabbit hole. Just trust him - if he violates your trust, you know what you will need to do.

[delhommefan]

Hmm...thats a tough situation. Just remember this though...if you guys lived in the same city, or even lived together, there may be, and probably SHOULD be, instances where he will want and need to spend time with his friends. I remember having this same "issue" with my ex because a lot of his friends would be what some would consider a bad influence. What I learned in that is that just because his friends were a little wild, usually because of something they were going through, he didn't go along with it. Yes, we are split up but its not because he ever cheated. There were just a lot of other issues and many of them were HIS possessiveness. He could go to clubs, go out with his friends, etc. and I grew to trust him and be okay with that. But whenever I wanted to do those things, he never trusted me. Its a really sucky feeling to be with someone who doesn't trust you even though you are 100% faithful. That being said, try to analyze your feelings. Do you generally have trust issues in relationships? Have you been hurt in the past? You said your BF admits to cheating on ex-GFs. What does he say about it? Does he boast about it or does he feel remorseful about it? My BF also admits to cheating on his ex-wife. But in his case, he kicks himself in the ass every day for it and it's been 10 years since it happened. He basically broke up his family and really effed up his life in the process and due to his honesty and remorse, I do trust he wouldn't do it to me. But I completely understand the trust issues with the long distance. That definitely makes it harder no matter how trusting or not you are. Even though I trust my BF I also have my moments with him where I need a little extra reassurance but I think that's more b/c of the distance, not because of his actions. I think in general making him feel bad for going to a club if he's never given YOU a reason to distrust him is a little far-fetched. But talk to him about it. Tell him why you have the concerns you do, let him ease the concerns (hope he does!) and allow him the freedom he (and you) should have because ANY relationship, long distance or not, that is not based on trust just isn't going to work.

[delhommefan]

Also I just read through some of the replies (sorry for not reading them prior...) and I've gotta say, if neither one of you trusts each other, why are you together? I don't mean to sound harsh but I think its very normal to have SOME uneasiness in any newer relationship or LDR but it has to have a limit. Why doesn't he trust you? My past experiences have taught me that if a person doesn't trust me (and I am a trustworthy person) its usually because they have their own personal issues or things to hide. Someone also posted if he's going to cheat, hes going to cheat. Sadly that is the truth. And if thats the case, you don't deserve it. Its much easier said than done but as with anything in life, you really have to let go of things you just don't have control over. Its something I've always struggled with but its true. I mean obviously if you are loyal, loving and attentive to him thats a different story. But if you are being a good GF to him and he has the nerve to cheat, he ain't worth it no matter how much it hurts honey. ((HUGS)))

[Miramaid]

Thank you delhommefan! I am honest and I love him to death and I have never cheated on anyone in my life. Yes he too doesnt feel ok if I do go out or smth like that (just like your ex), and yes he doesnt trust me because of his own insecurities and because he is the type of person who doesnt believe in white lies (it is a lie period for him), and he believes that not telling something or holding back is a lie too. And of course people have something they do not want to talk about even with their SO no matter how much they trust them, and all the people white lie...So after he had caught me on either white lying or not saying something or holding some info back, he stopped trusting me even though no I never cheated and he is the man I want to be with and all... It is a tough, but thank you for advice and reading through this large post!

[Miramaid]

Thank you all!