Time to Break Up?

[EmSeattle]

I posted this as a blog... Still new, not sure how to post things, but definitely need advice.

Today my SO and I were talking on the phone and he brought up an issue that I can't seem to stop thinking about. We have just started our relationship, so of course everything is a little rocky, but he said that he didn't see us having a future together. Granted, he didn't say it so bluntly, but it is what he meant. He said that he felt pressure from me to be the perfect boyfriend and that he felt pressured into something more serious than what he wanted. I've always said that I wanted to get married young and start a family early, and he said that he didn't want to be the one to marry me. In a nutshell, he doesn't see a future with us together and he didn't want me to feel like I was wasting my time on relationship that wouldn't go anywhere. We would be long distance until we both finish school, and even after then, we'd get jobs in different places. How can we be together when our plans for the future are so different?

I like him so much, I can really see myself loving him. I thought that he felt the same way, but now it's obvious that I am more committed to the relationship than he is. My question is: Do I deserve someone better? Do I deserve someone that will give the future a chance, someone who wants to be that perfect boyfriend? I've been tackling this idea that maybe breaking up now will save me heartbreak later on in life. I just miss him so much and want to be with him so badly, but if I know he doesn't feel as strongly as I do, should I just move on?

Help!

[MrsExPrez]

Well, first off, to be brutally honest - you are young, and you said so yourself that the relationship is in it's early stage. Maybe he doesn't see a future yet because you two have not gotten to know each other enough, and haven't developed the emotional connection necessary for those types of feelings.

Secondly, if he says he feels pressured by you, there could be something to that. Maybe you ARE pressuring him. You said in your post that you want someone to be "that perfect boyfriend". Well, I'm sorry, that perfect guy will never, ever exist. Love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

With all of that being said, I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. There is always two sides to everything, and if you really truly want a family early and you're set on that, then yeah, he might possibly not be the one for you. Maybe you will have to find someone who shares that same common goal.

[EmSeattle]

I like brutal honesty, so thank you for that. I'm not looking for that perfect boyfriend, I definitely know that won't exist. But what I meant was a boyfriend that wants to make the effort. I think that's what I'm trying to say if that makes sense. And we've been together before, for three years. Maybe I'm just expecting too much because I thought we'd just continue where we left off when we broke up, but more mature. I've been giving him space, letting him choose when he can talk and giving him the chance to see what he really wants. I just hope that he will be willing, later on in the relationship, to being open about a future. It hurt to have him write off the future so quickly. I have no idea if I want to marry him, but if he isn't even willing to see the relationship beyond what it is right now, should I even waste my time convincing him?

[MrsExPrez]

Hmm, well I read your first blog and I have a little more background information.

Listen, this is one of those things where maybe advice isn't necessarily the answer. There comes a time where intuition overrides anything others could tell you. You know how you feel about him, if you think those feelings mean enough to you to take the risk of possibly not having a future together, then go for it. Can anyone really guarantee that everything will work out? No. It's all about faith, hope, and perseverance. Sometimes you just have to take the leap and pray everything works in your favor. If it doesn't, at least you tried.

And again, it works the opposite way too - if you feel very uncomfortable in the current situation and have a gut feeling it probably won't work out, then maybe you should listen to that and get to stepping.

Hope all of that makes sense.

[EmSeattle]

Thank you

[Mara]

I think the fact that he doesn't see a future at all between the two of you says it all. Yes, you are young, so if you want something casual, that's fine, but I don't think this will be a serious relationship, at least, not in his eyes.

[EmSeattle]

Thanks for your advice. I definitely have a lot of think about.

[nic&matt]

I'm always a fan of gut instinct. I think if you really think, this isn't working, then it's not working. Of course, you have to be in a sensible and in the "right-mind" state of thinking. Never go off of it when you're super sad or upset.
You make it sound like you already know the result, the answer. We encourage you whatever your choice is. In my opinion though, yes, I think it's time to move on. You'll always have feelings for the person because you've shared expirences and memories together, good and bad. You do though need someone on your same level, even if you are young. If one of you feels like it's not going to work, you have to trust them. Relationships really only stay still or go down-hill, never super high up. You'll come across more and more rough patches. If you think no now, I don't believe it's going to change to yes in the future.
Be optimistic though, even if you are going through a rough time. The sooner you are done, the sooner you get to meet the person you'll one day be with! You have learned something valuable with them and something important that will carry through other future relationships.
Good luck on whatever road you decide to go. Let us know what ends up happening!

[vpavelock]

Sounds like unrequited love. But there's a reason why. Out of all honestly, I feel like you found yourself in that situation where you fall quickly and it's taking the guy a bit longer (assuming he will eventually love you.) I think that possibly being a little less intense well allow him to develop his natural feelings for you without all the pressure.

[rivi87]

I think that LDRs require so much dedication and time (not to mention money :P) that if he's not serious its not worth it. you can stay friends and talk and possibly he'll change his mind but I would put the brakes on it for now. The last thing you need to do is invest so much of yourself and end up with nothing . Ultimately its your choice and good luck!