Mailing Can of Worms

[Lunar Snow]

Once again a situation of needing to go to bed, but I actually meant to post about this days ago.

I really got in the Christmas-y mood this past holiday and sent my most recent ex (things ended rather tempestuously, if you saw my thread about him and he was pretty nasty to me, but was also holding on...and the more I think on it, the more I realize our relationship was dysfunctional and he didn't treat me as well as he should have) a Christmas card. I really debated over whether or not to do that, but I figured that I wasn't sending him a gift and there was no flirty, romantic, or any more than friendly content in the card. I did basically say that I felt it was a time of year to forgive some things and that I hoped he was doing well and would have success in the future. I knew that that alone would mean a lot to him, but I thought that my motives and comments were altogether fairly innocent, it would cause more trouble than good to tell my SO.

Since then, my ex sent me a Facebook message and thanked me for the card, said that he hoped we could talk more, and that he would be sending me a late card. I didn't respond (otherwise, I have tried to be on lock-down communication-wise to him...because if I give him an inch, he swims a mile). About a week ago, I received what I thought was a card in the mail from him (it sucked that my parents got to it first and my Dad waggled it in my face and made silly comments). I only read the card once, but it turns out that it wasn't just a card, but also a donation in my name to have a tree planted in a national forest. I wasn't expecting or wanting a gift and regardless of how much it cost, it made me feel quite awkward because of the thought that went into it (I'm interested in green initiatives, conservation, etc.). About two days ago, he sent me a text (I haven't replied about the card or the text) saying that he had a dream about me again.

You all know that I am working on jealousy issues and, honestly, if I found out my SO was sending comforting mail (no matter how romance-free) to an ex (the ones I know about, at least...it would be pretty surprising if he would want to talk to them at all), I would feel jealous. ...but, I guess, that I could see reason to it if it was just the one piece of mail to...make peace at Christmas-time. Now, though, I feel like this is getting a bit out of hand and I feel like I should tell me SO about it.

Do you think I should tell my SO? (Why/ Why Not?) If so, what would be a good way to talk about it.

[lucybelle]

I think you should send a text or card or message or whatever to your ex saying "thank you". It's the polite thing to do. Then stop all conversations. You don't need to tell your SO about it if it's over now and it'll just hurt him to know. I believe in selective honesty in a relationship (of any kind). ex: You wouldn't tell your SO that you hate his favorite pair of shoes just because he asked you to be honest. You'd keep it to yourself because it wouldn't help anything.

I feel like that rains true here as well. You didn't do anything wrong. End communication. Don't tell your SO.

[AllieBaba]

If I were in your position I would tell him. I believe that being honest and telling the truth at all times is very important, even more in a relationship like this. My SO and I have great communications so telling each other what we think and what's going on in our lives is essential.

He might get jealous at first, but if he trusts you enough he'll know nothing happened. Imagine if for some strange reason he found out later in the future... He would probably think that you kept it to yourself for a reason and things could get worse. Now, the chances of this happening are very small but you never know. If there's nothing wrong with what you did.. Why not tell him? Tell him how you feel about the whole situation and why you did the things that you did.

If something similar happened to my boyfriend I would like him to tell me, even if I would get jealous I would like to know the truth. At the end of the day it'll be your decision, but just put yourself in his position and think what you would want him to do (: It really depends on how you think, this is just my way of looking at things, hope I helped

[garnet]

I have been in a similar situation, sending a birthday card to my ex. It was really awkward, but I did tell what I was doing/did. In this situation, I think honesty is best. Hiding things about an ex, no matter how innocent isn't good. After all, if it really is innocent, why hide it?

[Freckles]

Lucybelle-Sorry, but, with all due respect, this is communcation with an ex, not an old pair of shoes. :/

Lunar Moon-I agree with you on the point that if the tables were turned, I'd want to know about it. I agree with AllieBaba on the point that if my SO found out about it some other way, which WOULD be MY luck, then it won't appear to be so innocent. I'd follow through on ending communication with the ex and tell your SO about it. It may spark some jealousy, but in the end, your SO should feel reassured in knowing that your heart is in the right place!

All the best with this!

[Mara]

I think it's always good to be honest with your SO especially where an ex might be concerned. Even when you trust someone, it might hurt your feelings or make you jealous that they were having some sort of communication with an ex behind your back. Besides, this looks like your ex is looking to have more of a regular communication with you which it is good to mention that to your SO too and that you have no intent on speaking with him.

[Alisz]

I think you should tell your SO. But before you sit down for a talk you need to figure out WHY you sent your ex a card. Because I guarentee you that is what they will want to know. If you don't have a solid answer and bounce around it could seem suspicious. Especially since from what you said, he didn't treat you well and the break-up wasn't that great. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of incentive to talk to him. :/

As for your ex, he's getting mixed signals. You sent him a card out of the blue and even though it wasn't flirty, the card itself brings a connotation of reaching out. You should make it clear to him the reason why you sent it. And let him know if anything he's done or said has made you feel uncomfortable.

I'm a bit confused why you sent a card to your ex because you said so yourself you would feel uncomfortable if your SO did that. But what's done is done. Tell your SO because hiding it will make things worse. Tell your ex it was a one time thing and nip that in the bud. Hopefully your SO won't be too upset and you guys can put it behind you.