Is it love or just need of someone?

[Kiara]

One of the reasons why I registered to LFAD is because I felt I needed some advices from people in similar situations. So, this is the first call for help.

I had 3 relationships in the past, and I was always the one who broke up, always for someone else. Basically, since I was 14 I have never been alone. I like to have someone to share my emotions with, to hang out, to go on vacation in exotic places, to cheer me up, to make me feel special. I thought to be in love, then after a while I met another guy and realized I didn’t love the previous one, so I switched to the new guy. I know it can sound like I’m a shallow person, but I’m not! In all these stories I was looking for love, desperately wanted to be in love with someone!

Now I started a new relationship, a LDR, but I am afraid to fall again into the same mistake: thinking I love my boyfriend, then after some years meeting someone else. I try to not become paranoid and just live my story, but my lack of self-confidence and this “not knowing what I want” hurt people in the past, and I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

Do you think I’m just crazy, or is there someone else who feels she/he cannot be alone? Any advice about how to learn to understand my feelings and stop relaying in someone?

[sabby64]

Hmm, I'm pretty much the same way as you, and the only advice I could think of was to wait a while between boyfriends, wait until you're confident in yourself that you don't NEED someone else to survive. But since it's too late for that, if you really are just not wanting to be alone, being in an LDR will show you right away, because you have to be without your partner for long periods of time, which can get pretty lonely at times. I think you will probably figure it out pretty soon.

[Moon]

We all want someone to share our emotions with, have around, and go on vacations with, that's normal. The problem is you've never learned to be by yourself, it really is OK to be alone. For me, I've found I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't love, and I've learned that when I'm alone, I find out a lot about myself and its a good and healthy time. Being with someone just for the sake of not being alone never makes for a good relationship in the long run, and someone always gets hurt. I've found its just not worth it to live that way.

The only way to figure out your feelings is to be by yourself for a while (and I mean months and months, not days or weeks), and do some soul searching to discover what it is you really want in life and what you want/need in a partner, live independently and don't worry about anyone else but yourself. Its NOT easy, not at all, but I think its an essential skill every woman needs in order to not end up in dysfunctional, loveless relationships. You really can do this, we all can. It can be scary and it will be lonely at times, but you'll have grown so much in the end. Start by giving yourself a time line and stick by it! Once you've grown and gained that independence, you'll start to notice traits in men that you like and dislike and be less willing to compromise for the sake of companionship, which will lead you to a partner you'll truly be compatible with eventually, which will lead to real, sustaining love. Good luck!

[Kiara]

Thank you for your replies! I'm sure that being by myself would help me to become confident on myself and discover what i want in life, but as sabby64 said: it's too late for that!
@Moon: do you think I should end my LDR? I don't want to do that! I really feel something for him, we have so many plans and I'd say I'm happy with him.
Being by myself would have helped me, but I'm not, so...

[Silviar]

Being unable to be alone is a marker of co-dependency. However, it's normal for a person to love someone, and realize after a few years realize they no longer fit. If you've been dating since you were 14, then that's the period of time where you've probably grown and changed as a person.

Why don't you spend some time getting to know your LDR SO, and you'll be able to tell through the test of time whether it's something you want to do long-term or not?

And while you're at it, spend some time working on your self-confidence. Do things that make you feel confident. Work to better yourself so you can look at yourself with pride. A down moment is one thing. Being constantly un-confident is another. A relationship will never fulfill the hole you give yourself. Your relationship's health is also partially based on your personal health - so please, take care of yourself if you want a fulfilling relationship.

[Moon]

Thank you for your replies! I'm sure that being by myself would help me to become confident on myself and discover what i want in life, but as sabby64 said: it's too late for that!
@Moon: do you think I should end my LDR? I don't want to do that! I really feel something for him, we have so many plans and I'd say I'm happy with him.
Being by myself would have helped me, but I'm not, so...

I'm not really sure, to be honest You'd have to decide on that, but I will say that when/if this relationship ends, or you start falling for some other guy like before, then it'll definitely be time for that "time out". If you start liking someone else, don't act on it, but maybe then you'd want to consider the status of your LDR and take the time to work on yourself. Who knows, maybe this guy is good for you, but only time will tell. I do think though, that if you were really in love, you'd know it. I'm not sure how long you've been together, maybe its still too soon to be in love, you just aren't there yet? Sometimes it takes a while

[Kiara]

We spent last semester together and then I had to go to NY, so our LDR started two months ago. The reason why we started it, even though we were not living in the same city anymore, was that we both felt we love each other, and it was not just a one-semester story! So of course I feel I'm in love right now, but at the same time I am scared of confusing my feelings again...

[lucybelle]

I think you're the type of person who always thinks there's someone better around the corner. You love the guy you're with now, but there could be someone better right? You don't know that. Enjoy the moment you are in NOW. If things go sour, consider staying single for a while before latching on to someone else. But don't go LOOKING for a replacement. I like to think of new relationships not as "better" but as "different". Try living in the NOW. Not the MAYBE. Good luck.