Can somebody be so obessed with their job that they cannot have a relationship?

[Kevz]

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[Riyko]

Going to Med school is extremely demanding with all of the work involved, what I think she means by seeing you will jeopardize her career is that having you there could distract her from studying because you'll both be wanting to spend time together and she'll get distracted from studying, which to me is completely understandable. I studied finance and I had my boyfriend around which really distracted me from studying a lot of the time.

Now what i think your doing is unfair, that if she doesn't want you to go there and tells you no on Friday you have no choice to break up with her. I'm sorry, but that is extremely harsh to do and not fair to her and to be honest your being extremely selfish and only thinking about yourself without even thinking about her or her schooling. Plus you've only been dating for 1 month it's way too soon to want to move in with or close to her, you need to give the relationship more time before making a big decision like that.

[Moon]

I wouldn't use the term "obsessed", but she does sound very driven, and yeah, its very possible to be so driven you don't want a relationship to distract from it. Its quite common for the first few years of a career, and she'll have a career as a doctor, not a job. Med school is very, very intense and it sounds like she's freaking out over it a little. I'd wait until Friday, ans see how it goes, maybe she just needs a little space and time to think. If she says for you to come, then its time to gently open up a dialog with her and see if the relationship is realistic. Good Luck.

[Zephii]

I think honestly she's just freaking out because you're moving really really fast. I mean if some guy was going to move for me and I'd been with him a month, I'd freak right out about that and start making excuses too.

But, to answer your question: Yes, they can.

[Kevz]

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[Kevz]

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[USA2Canada]

My SO is totally focused on his job, to the point sometimes we skip days or nights to talk but his job is real demanding of him and he works eratic hours, and if he loses it, it could cost us the support we need for our future. We had to rework out a schedule to help him actual fit me in sadly but it helped me get the attention I wanted and him get his work done and still be able to make time for me in the process of all the work he has- we talk a little less but we set up a nice weekly schedule that will have to do. I have to get up super early or late but hey! I am pulling through. Some career fields are more demanding than others!

[Miramaid]

I do not know...I think she is freaking out too much. ANd I also think if this volunteer opportunity is interesting to you you should go REGARDLESS of what her answer will be becasue at the end - it will look great on your resume! Just go and have a new experience and meet new people, and see anotehr country! You will have a great time regardless.

I do think it is sad and I would probably be thinking along the same lines as you do. MAy be you are moving too fast in a relationship (not moving in with her, but just kinda making things happen too fast for her). I personally would be glad if my SO found something close to me even for 4 weeks, but that is me. NOt all the people are like me and some really do like to take time in a relationship.

What I think you should talk about is what both of you want out of this relationship, if BOTH of you plan to have a family (not necessarily with each other but just in general as a goal in life) and when, how and when both of you would like to close the distance, and about both of yours career goals (because if she wants to be a doctor and may be practice in some other country for a couple of years after she finishes school etc. etc., then may be your goals in life are just different you know? You should talk about that because in Long Distance relationship it is important to know where people stand and if it is worth it to be in LDR.

[FadedSunrise]

I wouldn't call it obsessed either, but I do agree that one can be so career focused one...simply freaks and pushes relationships away. I am a bit like that. Aiming for top law school, a successful career as a lawyer, and a bit afraid to let love in the mix. Afraid that it will derail me off the path.

I think she is definitely a bit like me, confused about whether to put feelings for you first, or to keep her career first, and having a hard time finding a balance between the two.

[Riyko]

Riyko, what is the point dating someone who has the ability to see you and chooses not to? She was the one who first pushed for the relationship and the only who last week told me she wanted me to come down there. As you can see I am quite loss in terms of what is going on.

If you have been dating a lot longer I would say there is no point, but i'm going on the amount of time you've been in the relationship and that even though she has the ability to see you, but doesn't want to doesn't mean you should just end it. It could be that because it's going to be happening she's scared about what will happen or it could be she's stressed about school and doesn't want you to deal with it or she could be afraid that she won't be able to spend as much time with you as she thinks you would like. All you can do is talk to her and find out the real reason she's changed her mind.

Riyko how did you make the relationship work? You have a point, but on the other hand I do not think it is fair that I should not see her again for three whole years as a result...

When I was with my ex we lived in the same place (college residence and 5 rooms apart), but just because we we're close distance didn't make it easier. We would go a couple of weeks at a time without seeing each other. We would make visits to see each other and during our reading week (break week in the middle of the semester) and spend the time together. All you have to do is make plans to visit each other from time to time. You say it's not fair that you shouldn't see her for 3 whole years, I never said that. I was getting at the point of I think it's too early in your relationship to want to make a big move like that, but that you guys can always plan visits while she's still in school. It's always possible to visit the one you love if you really want to see them and/or spend time with them.

[Tanja]

Sounds like things are happening very very fast here. Is she the only reason you'd be moving to her town? The teaching job would only last 4-6 weeks right? What about after that? What are you gonna do, how you're gonna support yourself financially? What are you gonna do while she studies? Do you have friends there? What are you gonna do if you don't see her as much as you'd like to?

You've been dating just 2 months, that's way too soon to make the move. I can understand why she's scared and wants to wait. Being in med school is SO demanding, both mentally- and timewise and she might not have time to see you as often as you wanted. So even if you moved closer you might not see her any more often than you do now.

Also breaking up with her straight away if she says no is really cruel. Have you read people's stories on the board? People have been in LDR's years and years before being absolutely sure they wanna live with their SO and move closer together. I think you're being a bit selfish here and rushing things too much, you need to see her point of view as well.

If on the other hand you feel like you're not cut out for a LDR (cause that's what this forum is about, LONG distance relationships) then maybe it is for the best that you break up with her and date someone local.

Oh yeah, answering your question: Yes, they can but in this case she's not, she's being reasonable.

[Kevz]

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[Tanja]

You didn't mention in your opening post that she doesn't want to go public with your relationship. That changes things in my opinion... Maybe she feels that since you've only dated for so little time she doesn't want to commit yet? I think that's even more of a reason not to move there because

a) the job only lasts for a short period of time
b) you're not even in a "real" relationship if she doesn't want anyone to know you're her boyfriend (=which to me sounds like she doesn't want people to know about you so why would she want to spend time with you in person when everyone could see you?)

I hope you can talk things out with her and she's willing to admit that you're dating, you can make more plans after that but if I was you I wouldn't even dream of moving closer to someone who won't even acknowledge my existence in public.

[Miramaid]

I may still take the job opportunity, but the problem is, is that her country is known for being quite dangerous and the only reason I was willing to over look that fact was because she was there. I am not moving in with her I am just trying to spent some physical time with her. Another problem I have not addressed is her unwillingness to go public with the relationship. If her answer was no and we where publicly dating than maybe I would consider other options for the sake of her schooling, but she has avoided answering the question and pretends our relationship is know in her country and I am sure it is not. I made it a condition that if I am going to see her she either needs to go public with it or tell me what is wrong so the issue can be addressed. I do not want her to fail out of school, I want her to succeed. I tell her to put her schooling before me for the time being and if something comes up we can postpone talking later. What gets me frustrated is that she claims I have no idea what she is going through when I feel as if I do. I am an engineering major who has to work 17 hours a day 7 days a week in the summer to pay for my education. I tell her that I have been in similar situations before and she wants to her nothing of it. Today I am suppose to find out "what I am not getting" about her and perhaps this is going to be the end. I do not want it to end and wish to talk out our problems, I can only hope I can get the right advice before it is too late.

Where is she from? If she is from some Middle Eastern country it is very possible that she never told anyone about you an her family may have a huge problem about you coming over to see her?

[Kevz]

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