Terrified to talk to parents about SO again.

[FadedSunrise]

So basically my parents found out about my SO(in the worst possible way-read my blogs if interested), we yelled, raised hell, and I cried for something like 5 days straight. After that, the subject was never brought up in the house again, or anything even VAGUELY related to it: me wanting to move out, me wanting to get a scholarship to research in China...NOTHING.

However. I want to visit him this summer. I have planned for both the money and time for a 3 week visit. He knows a guy who owns a decent hotel near his apartment, so he could get me cheap rates and also walk me home at night. He's offered to cook for me, and pick me up/drop me off at the airport and from the bus station after I go to a different province in China to visit relatives first.

Basically, aside from the fact that I'm managing my own money, I am definitely not fending for myself-he's always looked after me like an older brother.

The contradiction comes in-at the end of our string of arguments things just got worse and worse, and they probably have such a negative impression of him now. Actually, I don't even want to find out just how bad it is, because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth and bring him up I'll just dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole. I'm not sure how much they still trust me, but I can definitely say I don't trust them at all on this anymore. I expect only the worst of reactions, unless we're talking fluffy strict parent happy topics like "I will make it to Yale!" "Good, good!"

This is not about understanding where they're coming from and what their intentions are. I know they have the best of intentions. This doesn't stop me from being so frustrated about the situation, and terrified to talk about it. I can't shake the feeling that since I screwed up the first impression, and that first impressions are everything, everything good I tell them now will be jaded and they will see it as me trying and failing to find him any redeeming qualities.

So question: is there any hope left of getting my three weeks? If so how should I go about it?
They refuse to talk to him on video call, or read anything from his messages that they don't want to read(see, he's a sensitive wuss. You better not involved). They refuse to give him a chance by meeting him, and yet they will judge like nobody's business.

[Far_Away_So_Close]

Oh so familiar.
There is time till the summer. Let your parents coold down first. Don't mention him now, as it is obvious that no good will come from it. Go about your buisness, focus on your studies, show them that you have goals in life that don't involve him. Apply for the scholarship, see if you can even get it. If you do, accent the benefit to your carreer from it - for yourself as well. It is important that both YOU AND your parents see this as a carreer oppportunity which, as a side benefit, brings you closer to your guy.
And when the time comes, just lay your trip down as a fact. I assume you're over 18, so they can't legally stop you.

[Alisz]

I've been there before in a past LDR. I don't even remember exactly how I brought it up to my parents that I wanted to visit my ex, but somehow I found the courage and told them (not asked) that I was going. My mom realized I wasn't going to change my mind and basically did all she could to make sure I'd be ok. Like emergency numbers, extra money, credit cards, addresses, maps, etc. My father on the other hand was not pleased and we fought until the day I left. It was upsetting and I didn't have as pleasant a time as I hoped for. But, when I came back home and they saw that I was in one piece and I was happy, they accepted the situation. I don't know if that would be the best thing to do in your situation, but my family is pretty stubborn and sometimes the only way through to them is to show them that I can be trusted and everything will be ok.

Also, if they refuse to meet him then they really haven't had a proper first impression with him. So, I don't think they'd be jaded. To me it just sounds like they're being hard headed about the whole situation and aren't really listening to anything you say about him.

[FadedSunrise]

Oh they're hard headed. They are hard headed like no other, and also in this family my mom, because she has a long term illness, is treated as the princess. Therefore, if I wrong my mother, my dad will be on her side and threaten to kick me out of the house for it. That's mostly what happened that made me so distrustful of them. I didn't think I did that wrong, because we'd been having disagreements and misunderstandings, but somehow they took one sentence I said, immediately misunderstood it and blew it out of proportion, escalating to conclusions, while I had to escalate to keep them from going there-but then in the end I get blamed for "Raising my voice to my parents".

Dude, what else am I supposed to do when you are quickly drawing that many wrong conclusions? Especially since we just came to an understanding not long before that that we were having language barrier communication problems? We are Chinese, and my parents' first language and dominant one is Chinese. However, my dominant one is English, and I was using and understanding things in our discussion according to American society while they were doing it according to Chinese and Chinese society. Chinese ancient society, more like -_-; And because we had that talk right after I'd ended a video call with my SO, they blame all the bad influence on him, that "oooh, he can change your opinion this quickly. What has this bad man done to you"

I. I. I am entirely considering white lying. I have two friends from my study abroad program who are going back to Shanghai this summer at the same time I am to play. They're not going to be in Beijing, but they have a very good "rep" so to speak with my parents(she thinks they are fun, safe-because one is gay and one is taken, and good to protect me-...probably from my SO). I am considering name dropping them that they are going to Beijing and want me to stay and play with them. And just dodge around any requests for picture evidence later.


...I don't really think being hard headed and fighting will get me anywhere. They know I know Beijing like the back of my hand. I have a bank account in China from the time I'm studying abroad. Besides my SO, I have lots of friends and family in China both near and far. It's not that. They know I came back from Beijing in one piece last time-it didn't stop them from being displeased like no other.

[Mara]

This sounds like such a difficult situation. I don't really have much advice, but I wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and I hope things smooth out eventually with your family.

I don't think there is anything you are going to say that is going to change their opinion of him. My family hated my ex even though they did not know him that well and his mother despised me. I would try and try to talk to them about him, but the more I talked the more they disliked him. It didn't matter how well he treated me or what he did for me, they were determined to dislike him. Eventually, we got into a huge argument and they sort of accepted that I was going to be with him regardless, but they were never happy with it.

I do think in your case the best thing to do is to not make waves. If you think it'd be easier to tell a little white lie, I'd go that route instead of upsetting yourself and your parents.

[FadedSunrise]

Well eventually I think I'm going to try the route of trying to repair his image with the parents again. And by eventually I think I mean anything from 5 months from today to a year from today. The later and slower the better.

I feel like yea, if I can pull off the white lie and get the idea across that I am mostly hanging out with "approved" friends because it would be such a cool chance to meetup again, then at least this year's visit is taken care of. After this year, next year(read: 2012-2013) is more certain, because I am applying to a bunch of scholarships to study there. At the minimum if nothing accepts me I will have another 6-8 weeks in Beijing because of studying Chinese. If everything accepts me, then I have 6-9 MONTHS in China(granted part of it still long distance Beijing-Hangzhou, but for me now I'm almost planning to call that as not long distance at all).

6-9 MONTHS is a lot of positive experiences to draw from and build his image. If we get there. I just have to take care of summer 2011 first, and maybe he'll be better able to help me with this as well when we're together in person, because China internet is SHITTY.

[FadedSunrise]

Is perhaps part of this all in MY head though? I'm discussing the issue with a friend now, and I realize, I'm so terrified of making waves with the parents and even sort of taking their minds toward the thoughts of my SO that I am now paranoid to:
1) Discuss stories from my time in Beijing at all.
2) Discuss Beijing in general. (like "oh, Beijing just snowed")
3) Speak of plans to go back to China this summer, even just the visit relatives in a different province part.
4) I somehow got onto the subject of the bag I bought in a southern province like 3 hrs plan ride away from Beijing, and winced.
5) Read: Now basically making like my life in China last fall did not exist, did not happen.

I am paranoid about:
1) Stretching, but especially practicing the splits. I stretched after workouts before, but did not seriously start working on flexibility till I met the SO and took his classes. My body feels most comfortable with regular stretching though, so I end up making the most hairbrained excuses that I have to go to the gym alone, because I am afraid that they also remember how I excited I was at what I learned in the SO's class, and you know...think of him. Which will lead to awkwardness at best.
2) Jokes about playfighting, assuming the playfighting position with both fists up. It makes me think too much of martial arts, which is the first thing they associate him with.
3) I want to go see IP man 2 this weekend. I am even paranoid of telling them I still like wushu, because, as I mentioned above, they associate wushu with him.
4) For that matter, making any kind of a punching motion.
5) Wearing my butterfly hairclip. The original lie still stands on that one that it was a present from a female friend, but now that they know too much about SO in the wrong ways, I'm somehow afraid that they subconsciously know the female friend gift thing was a lie.
6) Leaving my wallet or cellphone in the living room. The wallet holds his first letter to me(its a bookmark), and the cellphone has records of my calls with the phone card.
7) I used to be a mess, but I'm turning into such a neat freak. I'm terrified of them finding anything I've left, even though I just double checked that the paper letter was hidden well and the hairclip as well.