Advice

[vpavelock]

My boyfriend has some stability problems, to say the least. There have been several cases where he has gotten extremely suicidal, once to the point that he had his suicide note ready and he already had hurt himself. Yesterday, it got to an extreme. Yesterday, on valentine's day I got mad at my boyfriend because he literally had to pencil me in to a 45 minute span of time for a phone call, on valentine's day. So after he said this, I told him never mind. Now, this little fight sparked the most worst suicidal fit he has ever had. I'm pretty sure that he sees me as the one stable thing in his life-- his support system, so when something goes wrong with us, he feels like he has nothing to fall back on. Last night I literally cried until I had no tears, and out of extreme fear I got a lot of people involved-- his family, his roommate at college, and somehow his RA as well. I wasn't letting him do it, and I was trying to control that as best I could. So throughout the whole thing my boyfriend decided he wanted everyone to think he was okay because it'd be easier that, but me-- he was absolutely horrible to, he even told me he hated me and wanted me to leave him alone. Why? Because he wanted to push me away because he thought that would make it easier for me. In the end, a girl at his school that is suicidal as well saw through his "I'm okay" scheme and talked to him about how she gets through it. In the end, he wanted to talk me after it started to calm down and initially he said he didn't feel better, but after talking to him for a few hours (until 3:30 am on a class night) he was finally feeling better, and has apologized numerous times for how he treated me since. So I guess what i want to ask is has anyone else dealt with a suicidal SO? I know a lot of people will think I'm crazy for dealing with this over and over again, but I'm so completely in love with him. Last night my body was shaking, my heart was racing, a migraine developed, i felt nauseous, and I cried until my body would no longer produce tears. Does anyone have advice for if this happens again?

[jenlee]

My advice is you need to walk away from the situation. You guys need a break, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves first! Its a lost cause and a losing battle. You can't change people. people have to WANT to change and he doesn't seem to want to get better. And sometimes as hard as it is you need to walk away from a losing battle. Yes you love him and you will probably always will and thats ok. But right now you have school and things that are so important in your life that you need to focus on them first and foremost and its ok to be selfish.
I haven't been in a suicidal relationship but I use to have a relationship with a very abusive alcoholic and I finally had to walk away and put myself first and not their disease.

[Moon]

I agree with jenlee, get yourself out of the situation ASAP, or it will only get worse. If you honestly don't feel you can, make him promise (and follow up!) that he'll seek counseling immediately, or you WILL leave. Seriously.

My ex-husband used to use that ploy, and as I got older and a tiny bit wiser, I realized he NEVER would have done it, he used it as a way to control and abuse me. I found out just how he played his games after we got married, and my life sucked, for a long time. Don't put yourself through that, I'm telling you, just don't.

[Jrapp]

These two have given you great advice I believe, please seriously consider their words?

[BabyGund]

I have BTDT. The way your SO is treating you is not about love. It’s about control and emotional blackmail. You are not responsible for your SO’s life. He is responsible for the decisions he makes, no matter how hard he tries to throw that responsibility on to you. Do some research and find lifelines he can call. Then hand him those phone numbers and tell him that you certainly hope he will take care of himself but you can’t love him more than he loves himself. Then you get yourself some support and some practical help.

Really, the last time I talked to that particular SO when our relationship was done he was crying saying he would kill himself if I didn't come back to him. I called his mother on three-way and connected her to him and let her know he was her problem, I was done. That was 15 years ago. It's only been in the last 6 months I've allowed him to communicate with me and I'm about to cut that off; he has a "fiancee" but yet tries to continue to get back with me.

[paulawriteslove]

My ex threatened me with suicide and after that I knew that I didn't want to live my life feeling that he could black mail me with that. I broke up with him and moved on, and he's doing fine as far as I know. I think that he may need some help.

[vpavelock]

Thanks everyone. There has been a time when i wanted to break up with him and he pulled the suicide card. After I convinced I still loved him he was better, but now when I convince him of this it still doesn't matter. Last night I had e-mailed his mother the following: I am extremely sorry that I had to resort to getting your family involved tonight, but I really felt like I had to do everything in my power to prevent ---- from doing something drastic. On that note, ---- is an extremely instable person and I think you really need to be aware of how bad this actually is. The smallest things that go wrong in his life will trigger off everything and before you know it ----- is contemplating suicide again. I'm really not sure of the right way to approach this, I've never really experienced dealing with such a sever case of instability and depression. I think looking into some psychological help for------ would be really beneficial (because I feel as though his past with bullying has tainted his sense of self confidence and self worth.) I think we can both agree that ----- is an incredible human being and I really just want him to see that in himself. I would really appreciate if you didn't tell ----- that I contacted you. I just really want him to get better and I thought you were the best person to talk to.

Today I received a call from his mother and I tried to make her understand what was going on, but I don't think she really did. She actually made me a little upset at times, and made me feel like I should've told her about this before, but I never knew how serious it was, and I really don't know how to deal with something like this. I'm 18, let's get real. But really, besides the fact that he might do something drastic if I break up with him, I really don't want to unless I need to. Last night as we talked, I asked if our relationship is causing him pain, and basically told me his life meant more to that us being together, and if it wasn't in the cards I could accept. But all in all, I want to be with him and I want to get through this stage in his life.

I also just begun pledging a sorority and this means I won't really have as much time to commit to him. Although he told me he fully supported me, I sensed that he didn't and that he was afraid this may make me decide not to transfer to be with him. He is a pretty selfish person, but I really think he doesn't want to be, he just can't help it.

How can I help him improve his self worth?

[vpavelock]

ugh