jealousy (but not that kind like you think)

[Miramaid]

I wonder if any of you have been in the same situation.

My SO is sometimes jealous of pretty much my life: the fact that I never paid for my education and have no loans (i am not an American), that I speak two languages, that I get to study in another country and not pay for it, that I am getting a doctorate degree and it took him 10 years to finish undergrad, that I have a family (he has no parents and is not close with his extended family), that I have friends (he doesn't have real friends), that I do not work and do not have to wake up early every morning (it is not because I do not want to work - it is because international students can not work in the USA legally. I would work full time AND study if I could)...
He has episodes when he hates his life and he always brings up all of the above as a proof of how much his life sucks and how I have it all so easy and I just have no idea and it pisses him off if I try to say that it is actually not easy at all to be me.

I understand that his life was not easy and that it is hard to work and go to school in the evenings (he started taking evening classes), but his jealousy is not like he is happy for me you know? And he just completely denies that it is not easy for me, just shuts down and doesn't want to talk and says that I am just one of those people who has everything perfect in their life but still like to complain and people like him who have it all worse have to listen and only dream that they had the life i have...
I know I should not feel guilty but I almost feel guilty for being me! ANd I know where those moods are coming from: he is almost 31 and has not accomplished as much as he would like to and I very much want to support him and encourage him, but sometimes I just do not know how and what to say!
His text to me today was "I do not mean to get mad at you, but you have it all so easy right now...You do not have to wake up every morning early, do not have to go to work, do not have night classes after working full days, do not have to work out. Research online and write papers is all you have to do. If I take it out on you it is because I'm so sick of having to work so hard and achieving so little!"

I do not even know if it was some kind of an apology or just a statement that I have it easy and he doesn't.
I understand he is stressed out and I want to help, but it is very hard sometimes.

Has anyone dealt with the same issue? If yes what was the most effective way of dealing with such situations so it doesn't affect your mood? Coz I even cried today over this thing

[FadedSunrise]

I think a large part of it is also his attitude and the way he chooses to see things. How do you help someone who chooses to be jealous at this, when you're the object of jealousy in question? =/

I'm in kind of the same...situation, I would say, except my SO's opinion on this is that "The more accomplished and powerful the woman, the better. Guys who do not want women to have power and position are just insecure". Therefore although I'm the one who's getting a degree right now and law school later on, who also has no loans, does not work because my parents can pay for most of what I spend, and is applying for this and that scholarship, he's not saying he's jealous or I have it easy. He understands that it's not easy being a student-not easy wanting freedom but not getting yet, being split between two worlds, and really, even though we're just studying, still juggling a lot.

He went to and finished undergrad, but at a school for athletics. He's currently a personal trainer...in China. Which means he makes something like 1/6 of what he could be making even if he was just a personal trainer in America. His English is poor, but he's working on it. When he sees my accomplishments and efforts he's proud of me and supports me, but on the other hand he also believes in himself and that he still has time to make it to success. He's 25, so younger than your SO, but still.

[nicole]

man, he has a BAD attitude problem, and that needs sorting out; he sounds like a very bitter person. Even if your life is hard, you have to learn to appreciate what you DO have, or you are going to end up old and bitter and alone. He can't go through this resenting you, it's only poisoning his feelings for you in the end. He shouldn't treat you like that pure and simple. Your SO is there to support and accept you, not resent you and what you have.

Doesn't he see a counselor now? He should maybe bring this up in therapy, because this has to STOP, he cannot keep bringing you down like this.

[beaton]

"...and says that I am just one of those people who has everything perfect in their life but still like to complain and people like him who have it all worse have to listen and only dream that they had the life i have..."
This, right here, says everything. He is cementing himself in his position by making success something that only "one of those [other] people" can attain. That way, he can sit back and resent and be jealous, because he sees himself as on a whole other plane of social status.

I used to be a lot like him, and ultimately my resentment and jealousy of my previous SO contributed heavily to our end. He like you, seemed to have it all from an outsiders perspective, a solid family, great grades, didn't work, etc. Honestly, it took our relationship ending for me to change my attitude, but that doesn't have to happen.

I would definitely agree that he brings this up in therapy. What he is doing, though probably not on purpose, is abusive to you. You didn't ask for your cards in life, and just because you don't have his problems doesn't mean you don't have your own. It is ultimately his choice to be miserable about this. His situation isn't permanent- he will graduate college and hopefully get a job he likes, and, if he sorts his attitude out, still have you! Isn't that something he should be pumped about?
It might help to communicate to him how he is making you feel, that he brings you down by making you feel undeserving. He might unconsciously be trying to bring you down to his level mentally. I would remind him that part of being with someone is accepting them and trying to make them feel good, not teling them that their feelings are unjustified because their situation seems better to him. He's thinking very much in his own bubble of self-pity and it's time to burst that.

[Miramaid]

Thank you guys. How should I deal with it? Because I do not want to start telling him how he just doesn't see my side of things and how he should not be resenting, because when people are DOING it it doesn't work. He will just resent even more.
So what is there for me to do?

[garnet]

I don't have any advice. I understand him though I think. While I haven't had these feelings towards anyone I've dated, I have certainly felt the bitterness towards friends. It's hard to swallow when you're trying to finish high school while working 60+ hour work weeks, and watching your friends get a new car, and a paid for education. I never felt jealous, I just felt bitter. You work your ass off, and nothing changes. (This was 12 years ago, but I am sure I'd feel the same way now.)
Clearly it isn't your fault things are how they are, but I wonder how this plays out after years. I don't really think there is anything you can do. He either changes the way he looks at life or he doesn't.
For me, I was happier when I was around people in a more similar situation as my own, but like I said, I wasn't dating them, so not the same thing at all.
Anyways, good luck with this. I hope his outlook shifts.

[Zephii]

I have this problem too, but to a lesser extent and I like to think I handle it like an adult at least most of the time.
Obi is a lot luckier than me. He has parents (You'd be surprised how hard it is to get on your feet without that safety net) - parents who let him live at home for free while he got a teritary education. While he got that teritary education I was struggling to finish highschool, I lost a lot of years trapped in an abuseive relationship and then even more when Mum was dying and I couldn't manage to look after her AND do school. He's now working a job in his field, I'm stuck in a country on a visa that doesn't allow me to study and I clean toilets all day.
I could go on.

I feel that you don't realise exactly how hard it is to be in that situation. But with that said, he's nearly 30 and needs to grow up, build a bridge and get over it. Some people have it tougher than others. You just have to suck it up and make the best with the hand you're delt.

I don't know what you can do about his pity party, short of saying "Grow up and handle your emotions like an adult". Maybe remind him that in a relationship what benifits you, is good for both of you because you're a team, and what slows him down also slows you down for the same reason. Remind him that you're in this together and that focusing on the negatives wont change anything.

[Miramaid]

@ Zephili. I completely realize how it is for him.
He grew up w/o a father, he is not close with his extended family, his mother dies when he was 22 and they were not getting alone with her. It took him 10 years to finish undergrad because of 2 reasons: first because of military and military schedule, but second because he once even got kicked out for bad grades. I guess at some point in his life he had different priorities than school and tho he regrets it now, that is the way it was.

He used to change jobs every few months because of many reasons but one of the main reasons - if he hated the job or hated people there he would change it. As a result: he has not too much to put in his resume and he knows that was his mistake and he is now trying to stick with the job he has even though there he too doesnt like his boss, and hated waking up early, and the pay is not great.
I know he hates paying his school and car loans...I see how he may be struggling BUT I also see that in this bad economy he has a job, he IS A CITIZEN here and I know if he really wants to he can change the job, he can go to school and get a better degree if he really wants to, and also his school loans army is suppose to pay but it takes a lot of paperwork to do and it is a hassle but it is possible and he just needs to get on it but he never really finished it (could be paying less money).
What I have? Yes I have a family and we are close. I got my education and I am continuing it. BUT! I am alone in this country. My family is far away and I am here all by myself. I used to work as a janitor in a hair salon to pay for my English lessons. Every evening after school. I tried to make good grades and I was working hard to get where I am right now. I gave all my salary for English lessons. My parents never paid for anything. It is not like everything just comes to me like a rain and I do nothing for it.

Here I am not a citizen. I can not work in this country and I live off of a school stipend. I am 26 and I too do not have my own house, I do not have a job, all I have is school. Believe me in my country no one cares about education at all. So my future is blurry and dim and I do not know how and what I will be doing after I graduate because I can not stay and work here (due to laws and stupid crap like that) and in my country I am not needed. It is frustrating too but he thinks since I am getting a PhD and have no loans to pay off my life is easy, but in my country an average salary is $200 a MONTH!!! I am far away from my friends. And I am far away from him. I do not have it easy. I realize that he doesn't either, but I just do not think it is fair to manipulate me like that and make me feel like I am guilty of something. It is like he gets mad at what I have in life that he doesnt have instead of being happy that I do not struggle with the same things he does.

I need to know how NOT to get upset over him being sad and over him saying "you have it easy and when you say "I do not know what to say" it makes me feel like you do not support me" I do support him! But sometimes I really do not know what to say when he is complaining about his life! Just saying "I am sorry it sux" doesnt help and I am 10 hours away from him and I can't just hug him or bake him a pie to make him feel better.

[Zephii]

Please break your writing into paragraphs, it makes it easier to read.

I hear what you're saying, but from a purely finacial/career stand point you do have it much better than he does, and you have more time. He probably regrets a lot of what he did and feels like he's getting old.

Tell him that you understand. I'm pretty sure you don't, but one little fib wont make it any worse at this point. After that tell him that you are here to support him and that whatever his dreams are you will help him achieve them. Talk about his dreams and what you can do together to make them happen. Talk about how that will play out practically in your future together. And tell him that he is never too old to start again.

[Miramaid]

@ Zephili, I tell him all you just suggested all the time. It just never seems to work. And I do understand all of his concerns very well. No need to bring me down and make me feel like crap for no reason like he does. I tell him and I support him all the time and tell him how strong and smart he is and how everything will be good and so on. His reply is always "Yeah when? When I am 50?" or just "No it will not be all good. It just will not. My life is crap and it will always be"
So what do you say to that when someone says that?

[Zephii]

I'd say "Grow up and stop whinging" seriously, I would. But I'm not a sympathetic person

[Silviar]

You tell him that the only person holding him back is himself.

I wish people wouldn't be so hard on themselves that they turn bitter, but it happens. It's a choice. You're the one who has to live with yourself in the end, and if all you can do is be angry at yourself, you're screwed.

Temporary anger is one thing. Constantly downing is another. Only he can choose to cultivate a better attitude.

[Zephii]

Silviar always says it better than I do.

[Miramaid]

Thank you ladies for your support