Commitment

[Zapookie]

HI

my SO lives in Canada, and I in Australia. We have been talking almost every day for 8 months. We have spoken of plans to meet each other in the future. The thing is, we're not committed to each other. I do love him, and he has told me he loves me, but will not commit because the amount of time until we meet is uncertain, which is understandable. Its just if one of us gets into a relationship, then us meeting would be out of the question, right? This is what I would assume anyway.

I haven't spoken about this specifically to him yet.. "don't date anyone because then I won't be able to come see you!". Would it be fair to say that to him? Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really want this. I just want us to finally meet so he can see that we are worth it and we can make it work if we put our minds to it. There is just so much uncertainty about everything right now :/

Anyone found themselves in the same boat before? Or have any advice? It would be much appreciated

[Rach321]

I haven't been in the same situation, but my feelings are that if seeing other people would influence how you feel about him/the relationship, then I think there is nothing wrong in asking for a committment to not see other people before you meet.

There are many members on the site who have/had not met in person but have been in a committed relationship for quite some time. Personally, I can see how this would be difficult. Why decide to be totally committed to someone so far away if you're not sure it's going to work out when you actually meet? But if you really care about each other, it's not too much to ask of one another. Since you say you won't meet if you date other people, I say that you probably should talk about making a commitment to each other.

All relationships have some amount of uncertainty- In CDR's, relationships end all the time. Just because you're long distance doesn't mean that your relationship isn't real and shouldn't have the same types of rules/commitments that close distance relationships have!

[Bluestars]

I met my boyfriend online, but we did not become official until we met in person. Before we met, we talked every day for around two months, and all of my friends called him my boyfriend even though I told them he had not asked me out yet. I wouldn't have minded going out with him before we met in person, but it was obvious that he was against LDRs...or so I thought. He would tell me things like, "I really like you, but too bad you do not live in Baton Rouge because if so I would go on a date with you in a minute." He kept on giving me mixed signals. One day he would be saying how much he liked me, but then the next he would tell me that I should go on dates with other people since they would be better for me. However, he would then say he was glad that I hadn't found a boyfriend yet because if so we wouldn't be able to talk anymore...

Talk about confusing! I thought he would ask me out but he never did back then. Well, the opportunity arose where he would be two hours away from me, so we met up to go to a concert. We hit it off, and the next day we were official. He later told me that he waited to ask me out because, until we met, he thought we would never meet and he would be uncomfortable dating someone he had never met in person.

I understand his reasoning, and everything worked out perfectly. Meeting made us realize that this was possible. However, Jared came close to losing me, and I have told him this before. Even though I realize now that I was in love with him even back then, I do not think I would have waited around for him forever. I was also talking to two other guys at the time, so if Jared didn't ask me out when he did, then who knows if we would have been together.

I think you two need to set a date to meet up. I know it will cost a TON of money, but maybe if you two split the costs it will not be as bad? Having a set time frame will maybe make him realize that this can work. I think you need to talk to him about this. I do not think it is unreasonable to ask him not to date anyone until you meet in person.

Best of luck and hope everything will work out ok!

[Tanja]

You've been talking for 8 months so it's definitely not too much to ask. Tell him your true feelings and if he still feels like he can't do it then that's his loss but personally if he's been there for you every day for 8 months he should be wanting the same thing as you by now.

[Zapookie]

Thanks for the replies everyone..

About us meeting.. he has told me multiple times that he would pay for half of the plane ticket for me to come see him. I've asked him if he would consider coming here as well, but he has never flown overseas and does not have a passport. I am having trouble finding full-time work, and I've decided that if I can't find anything by may, which is when applications to study at community college open, then I will apply and study until december, which would mean no flying for me.

I feel like I've put my life on hold somewhat for him, and I'm the one that losing out here. It's something that's on my mind everyday.

Also, I've yet to speak to him as it's the weekend and we both are normally busy.

[Zephii]

Hey, you're in the same boat as me, but just a few oars strokes behind!

I'm from Australia, Obi is from Canada, this year we're both living in Canada, but for the longest time we hadn't met in person, so we didn't commit. We both continued to date. He was honest, he was trying desperatly to find someone he loved as much as me but in his own country. When he had a girlfriend, our flirting died down, we stopped cybering and all that, he was completely faithful and gave the relationships a chance, but what can I say? I'm irraplaceable! Haha. We talked about him comming to see me early in the relationship, but we were both too young (17), had no money and it was just too big a leap. Eventually it was me that went to see him, and the day I landed we became official and never looked back.

Asking him not to date until you can come see him is a lot like asking for commitment really, but I truly understand how hard it is not to do that!! I feel it's too much to ask of someone you havn't met, but then it might save you a lot of heartache if you do.

I understand the you being the person losing out thing too. I'm putting my carrer on hold for Obi in ways that would not be an issue if we were from the same country, and I know how that plays on one's mind. The thing I'm wondering is, if you were to meet tomorrow and everything went well, what steps would you take from there? Would you stay LD for a while or try and close the distance as soon as possible? If everything works out between you, who is likely to move?

Would studying mean no flying because of the time or the money? Would it just be no flying until December or some time after when you've worked and gotten funds?

I know I ask a lot of questions, but it's just easier to give advice if I know a little of the options

Welcome to LFAD btw! What part of Aussie? I'm from NSW ^^

[garnet]

Rane and I became an item online 8 months before we met in person. We had been friends for about 6 months online before that. We were exclusive from day one of it turning romantic though. I'm surprised by so many people not asking for exclusivity prior to meeting. I see nothing wrong with it personally... but then, I'm not going to be happy being in love with someone and giving them the freedom to keep their eyes open. We are either together, or we're not. No middle ground for me. :P

[Zapookie]

Zephii, I live in sydney, wbu? I've actually been following your posts on here about your relationship, and I read some of your blog the other night. It has given me some hope that maybe in the future things will work out, even if its in the next few years and not right away.

He actually started dating a girl right before christmas. I knew even before he told me, from the way he was acting. After he did tell me, I felt like this wasn't going to work and I needed to cut him from my life. I deleted him from facebook and I was so upset. It felt like I was mourning the loss of a loved one. I couldn't sleep that night because I was crying so much and my mother had to comfort me at like 4am. We didn't talk for days... then I decided that I'd rather be his friend than nothing at all.

The girl ended up dumping him after only a few weeks. I didn't know what to say when he told me so I just listened. He told me that I'm irreplacable but he also says that I'm unattainable.

I wouldn't be able to fly while studying because its a straight 6 month course at TAFE, there's only a two week break then back into it. I could probably visit him right after I finish and pay my mother back once I get back and find work. Btw, he is 24 and has already finished college, I'm only 18.

Garnet- I understand what you mean about this middle ground. I like certainty and I like to know where things stand. Having this issue up in the air makes me uneasy. I wish we just lived in the same place.. -.-

[Mio]

I haven't been in this situation. But I understand the fear of commitment until you get to be in person, I think is a normal fear. I think the only remedy is to see each other as soon as possible. I hope you can meet soon. Best wishes!

[agentholli]

I have known my boyfriend since November 2008. We stopped emailing each other for about 4 months..then he contacted me again. We have been faithful to eachother since. That was June 2009. Him and I have never met in person. We talk everyday all the time. If you put our time on the phone in one lump sum, each day we spend at least 3 hours together. We are both very commited to this relationship. I do NOT see anything wrong with asking him to be exclusive with you. I think if you truely love someone, this shouldn't be a problem. The distance is just a speed bump in the road.

People who have never been in an LDR do not understand this. And its hard to talk about it other people, at least for me. My advice to you is to ask him, see what he thinks about it. It would be a good way to know if he truely is in the relationship. I can't wait to meet my BF for the first time. I look forward to it everyday. It will be sometime soon..no date has been set yet.

[LuckyFin]

Maybe you could also invite him to join LFAD? Then he'd see that he wouldn't be the only one in the same boat?

[Zapookie]

I don't know if I can ask him though. He's a very sexual person and I don't want to be the cause of deprivation for him. I don't think I could tell him about this website either, as wonderful as it is.

[Tanja]

I don't know if I can ask him though. He's a very sexual person and I don't want to be the cause of deprivation for him. I don't think I could tell him about this website either, as wonderful as it is.

I'm guessing that by "a very sexual person" you mean that he needs to get laid on a regular basis? Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but if you think you're holding him back from having sex with other people then

1) you don't approciate yourself nearly as much as you should and
2) if he can't commit to you and wants to keep dating after 8 months then when is he gonna be ready to commit?
What happens after you've met and go back to LD, is he gonna say again that while you're apart you should be dating other people until you meet again?

Andy and I decided not to meet other people 3 months before we met in person and it was never a problem, we both wanted it cause we knew we wanted to be with each other only. Personally I think that if he cared about you as deeply as you seem to care about him he wouldn't think about other girls cause he'd only wanna be with you.

You said before that you were devastated when he was dating another girl - that's likely to happen again isn't it if he doesn't wanna commit? Maybe you should stay away from him until you've finished your studies and can go see him cause if you hang with him knowing he's seeing a bunch of other girls along with you wouldn't that be too hurtful? I know I couldn't do it.

If I were you I'd say it's either me or the other girls and there's no middle ground.

[garnet]

I don't know if I can ask him though. He's a very sexual person and I don't want to be the cause of deprivation for him. I don't think I could tell him about this website either, as wonderful as it is.

His balls wont actually turn blue or fall off. :P Seriously, I'm with Tanja on this. He has his hand. If he has a loving gf, LD or not, that should be enough. It is for the rest of the guys, and they manage just fine. I don't mean to be harsh either. But I'm an old lady, and I'm supposed to be candid? >.>

[Zapookie]

Tanja, you are so right. I've already thought about what you said many many times. But we're not even dating. Its like we're best buds who are attracted to each other but whether we will ever get together is unknown at this point. I had asked him to commit to me last year when it was still early days in the relationship, and he said he can't do it.

I honestly don't know what to do. I've considered removing him from my life before because of this issue but I just can't bring myself to do it. I love him and I see him in my future.. I know we could be so happy together. He told me that if we had a set date to when I'd be coming, he would be able to commit a few months prior to that, and he says he has no problem committing. He just doesn't have faith that I'll be able to get funds to see him.

I haven't been able to speak to him properly over skype since I created this thread, but I will asap.