recurring argument with my SO.

[Mara]

Background info: SO- grad student, works part time, treasury of this organization, secretary of that organization, i.e. very busy. Me- undergraduate student, unemployed. Distance- a few hours apart.

Problem: frequency of visits.

This is literally the only thing we've argued about in I don't know how long. I'd guess the better part of eight months. We rarely argued before I moved back to my hometown, but since I have we argue constantly about how often we get to see each other.

My SO is very busy [obviously and understandably], but it does make me very sad that I rarely, usually less than once a month, get to see him. We had tentatively made plans to see each other this weekend and when I asked him about it tonight he said he had to work tomorrow and that by the time he got off it would be too late to make the drive.

Of course, this made me sad and I almost wish I hadn't brought it up because every time we talk about it I get upset. I haven't seen him now since the beginning of January..and I feel that February will end before we see each other again. If we see each other at all in March.

The argument always starts somehow when I say that I'm upset that we won't be able to see each other. Then, he somehow takes personal offense to this. He said tonight among other things that I only think about what I want, I only think about the here and now, and he needs to know 'once and for all if I am in this with him or not.'

At this point, I'm really unsure as to what to do. Logically, I do understand that he is very busy and under a lot of pressure and is doing the best he can. Not so logically, I'm upset that we go so long without seeing each other and I don't feel like we can ever talk about visits without it leading to an argument.

Support, advice, etc. is welcome. I feel a bit emotionally drained at the moment..

[heatherotic]

I'm confused. He was supposed to come see you or you were supposed to go see him?

I don't think it's illogical that you're upset about going so long between visits. You're perfectly justified in your feelings. Do you both make the trips or is it just one of you doing all of the travelling?

[Michelle]

Frank and I are also a few hours apart. We see each other about once every 4-6 weeks (usually for just a weekend visit). We've been doing this so long, that it just feels normal to see each other at that frequency. It's what we can afford and what our schedules permit. Dwelling on the fact that you're not going to see each other more often than this isn't going to do anything good for your relationship, especially since there is nothing he or you could do to fix it. You will just have to accept it eventually. When Frank and I first started dating, we saw each other about every 3 months because he was further away from me (it was a 15 hour bus journey) and so this every 4-6 weeks thing since we graduated has been awesome.

I think something that would help you a lot is having visits planned out in advance. So whip out a calendar and figure out the next weekend that you both will be able to visit. That way you'll have something to look forward to.

[Mara]

I'm confused. He was supposed to come see you or you were supposed to go see him?

I don't think it's illogical that you're upset about going so long between visits. You're perfectly justified in your feelings. Do you both make the trips or is it just one of you doing all of the travelling?

It hadn't really been decided or discussed. I brought up last week the possibility of us seeing each other in the near future and he said that how would us visiting for a few hours next weekend sound? I said that would be nice just let me know what day. Well, he never brought it up again, but I figured it wouldn't be today since we both have school on Fridays and I figured he had to work. I asked about tomorrow and he said he had to work and when he got off it'd be too late for him to make the drive and even if I did drive there it would've been too late for me to drive back and I know he has a meeting Sunday and possibly work.

We exchange out with the driving. It's easier for me to go to him though because his transportation isn't the most reliable and plus, when I go over there I can spend the night where as if he comes here he has to leave back out the same day as when I moved back home I moved in with my family to save money. But out of the seven-eight times we've seen each other, I'd say it's been fifty fifty. When I first moved out here we were having a problem with finances as well though..though now, not so much.

[Mara]

Dwelling on the fact that you're not going to see each other more often than this isn't going to do anything good for your relationship, especially since there is nothing he or you could do to fix it. You will just have to accept it eventually....I think something that would help you a lot is having visits planned out in advance. So whip out a calendar and figure out the next weekend that you both will be able to visit. That way you'll have something to look forward to.

I do need to accept that this is our reality for now, but I am really struggling to do so. We haven't been in a distance relationship that long [six months] and before that we saw each other everyday even if it was only for an hour or two so this is a huge difference and I wasn't really expecting or prepared for this. When I moved, we originally said we'd see each other every weekend though at the time, I couldn't really see how that would work out he assured me it would and it hasn't and I think I'm just a little [maybe a lot] upset about it all.

I don't think it helps either that he is constantly assuring me that things will get better. It's sort of like it gets my hopes up, then things remain the same, and I'm even more upset. I do think it would help also if we did have some sort of dates for things, but any time I ask him about any concrete date he says 'we will see' which leads to us not seeing each other because he's busy which leads to me being upset.

In fact, I think he doesn't want to honestly put down a date too because he thinks if it falls through I'll be upset. Which I probably will!

Looking at things now, I realize I am very upset about this all..

[heatherotic]

Bleh. I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. :[ When I'm upset with my SO or vice versa, we always talk about it, even if the conversation is uncomfortable. For some crazy reason, it really irks me that ya'll don't get to see each other! I just don't it. A while back, I dated a guy that was something important in a fraternity and all kinds of stuff going on, but I'd just go hang out with him while he studied and I read or something like that.

[mllebamako]

I think that you should have a serious talk about this. It's fine if he's too busy to see you every other weekend, but at the very least, I think he should be able to set concrete dates with you and not vague "we'll see"s. If you guys could set up a better system, like you WILL have a visit every 4-6 weeks, then I think you would have an easier time accepting the distance.

[Mara]

For some crazy reason, it really irks me that ya'll don't get to see each other! I just don't it. A while back, I dated a guy that was something important in a fraternity and all kinds of stuff going on, but I'd just go hang out with him while he studied and I read or something like that.

It really irks me too! So that makes two of us. haha. Really, I think what really kills us is the distance + our conflicting schedules. I have a couple morning classes and then a couple afternoon so I'm not finished with school for the day until 2:00-2:30 on average. My SO's classes are all in the afternoon, on his longest days he doesn't finish with school until 6 and the other days he finishes around 4. So it wouldn't be logically for him, during the week, to drive to see me. By the time he got here, it would be really late and I would let him spend the night, but I live with family.

If I drove to him, I'd get there a couple hours earlier, but honestly, even if we only spent an hour or so together I wouldn't get home until midnight or so which isn't ideal when I have to get up at 6 to get ready for school. I couldn't really 'spend' the night either because I'd have to leave his house at around 3 am to get to school on time.

So this only leaves us with the weekend...which he works every (usually) weekend to support himself. When we got into the argument tonight he told me he wanted to see me, but he couldn't take off because he needed the money which I understand, but again makes me sad/irritated/etc. When we do see each other it's usually because he did get the day off which I always sort of feel bad about because I'm like I'm sure you needed that money...or sometimes, the last few times we saw each other, really was just for an hour or so. Which I don't regret it, but it is a good drive, and a good bit of gas money to say we only saw each other for that short of period of time.

Realistically, I understand...but emotionally, not so much. I do think I am acting a bit spoiled about the whole thing which makes me feel bad. He's having a bit of a rough time with school lately, his mom has been ill, and his grandmother recently died and here I am adding to all the stress..

I just wish I could shut up the little voice in my head that is saying, "he should make time for you!"

[Mara]

I think that you should have a serious talk about this. It's fine if he's too busy to see you every other weekend, but at the very least, I think he should be able to set concrete dates with you and not vague "we'll see"s. If you guys could set up a better system, like you WILL have a visit every 4-6 weeks, then I think you would have an easier time accepting the distance.

I think it is the unknowing of it all that gets to me too. I never know when we'll see each other. It's just this sort of 'we'll work something out thing' which just in the end leads to me being upset because I think we'll see each other in a certain frame of time and then we don't and I'm hurt.

I almost cringe at breaching this subject with him because it almost always ends up in an argument or both of us upset. We will be talking about this soon though because tonight the last thing he said was he was going to think on everything I said and in the morning we'd talk more about it.

I've tried setting concrete dates to things before, but maybe I was being too concrete? I was actually trying to say we'll see each other on the 16th or the 17th, maybe I should just try saying we'll go x amount of weeks and then, no matter what we'll see each other? I just feel terribly unequipped to deal with all of this. I hate feeling like I'm another responsibility of his and I often feel as if I do nothing, but add stress to his life. He's told me before that he's constantly worried about how I'm feeling about things and he's even considering not going on a business trip that his organization has coming up because he was planning on spending some of that time with me and he's worried 'how I'll handle it'.

[mllebamako]

I've tried setting concrete dates to things before, but maybe I was being too concrete? I was actually trying to say we'll see each other on the 16th or the 17th, maybe I should just try saying we'll go x amount of weeks and then, no matter what we'll see each other? I just feel terribly unequipped to deal with all of this. I hate feeling like I'm another responsibility of his and I often feel as if I do nothing, but add stress to his life. He's told me before that he's constantly worried about how I'm feeling about things and he's even considering not going on a business trip that his organization has coming up because he was planning on spending some of that time with me and he's worried 'how I'll handle it'.

I'm sure it's hard to set concrete dates since he's so busy. But people have to get certain things in a relationship to be satisfied. Like I told my SO that I NEEDED a certain amount of skype time every week. I don't want to be an added stress to his life either, but IMO our relationship wouldn't be where it is without those needs being met and without us both putting in a lot of effort and showing commitment.
Instead of setting concrete dates where a meeting MUST happen, why don't you say...I need us to spend a day or two together every 4-6 weeks. That way he has like 3 weekend dates to choose from so it can be more flexible to his schedule.

This may sound rigid to some people but obviously this is really affecting you and you don't want it to take a major toll on your relationship.

[Caitlin2009]

well money is tight for everybody right now, and plans tend to fall through when something comes up, just keep planning and looking forward to when you'll see him next

[blankita719]

The scheduling is very important in my relationship. In fact when we first got together, we planned out a semi-regular visitation schedule. Now it hasn't gone according to plan because life happens but knowing that we have a plan helps immensely.

I get really upset too, so I understand how you are feeling but you should have a talk with him and explain that the visits are a necessity on keeping the relationship going long term. You need to feel connected, so setting up a visitation schedule gives him time in advance to make sure he can be available to spend the time with you.