feeling guilty

[Diamir]

Hey everyone,

I am really in need of some support. Both my boyfriend and I go to univeristy but me in Canada and him in the U.S. Our relationships consists of skyping, calling, and texting during the week and then seeing each other once or twice a semester, for winter break, and summer break. While not with each other my life revolves around just taking each day at a time, doing my schooling, working and counting the days until I see him the next. It works. But my problem is I can't get rid of this guilty feeling that I feel for living my life waiting to see him. For some reason I feel guilty and wrong for having the attitude that I just need to get through however many more days and then we are together. Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice? Knowing I get to see him in X number of days really helps me through but I hate feeling guilty that I shouldn't be living like this or something. Help!

[Mxchaela]

It's a matter of knowing it's worth it, and that it is what you want. If you feel guilty for it, then you aren't happy somewhere along the line.

[LadyMarchHare]

There's nothing wrong with looking forward to a visit or counting down the days until you see each other. People do that for vacations, retirement, and other things they enjoy, why not be able to do it with visits? You aren't obsessing, you aren't stopping your life for him and you aren't hurting anyone by doing this. I think you're feeling guilty because you don't want to be clingy or seem entirely reliant on your SO's presence to make you happy or your life worthwhile and I can understand that. But it's a normal thing and nothing to be ashamed of to any degree.

[Gelfling]

I have found that "shoulds" are often unproductive, especially when you can't point to something and say "There. That is why I believe I should do this, and I believe that that is a valid reason." So, I should eat regularly so that I don't get headaches from the low blood sugar, and for me that is a relatively valid "should", because I don't like having headaches, and because not eating regularly provably causes headaches for me. On the other hand, "I should shave my legs every day even in the winter because other people will judge me if I don't" is, for me, not a valid "should" because for one thing, I wear long pants most of the time so no one knows and also I don't really care what most other people think.

The trick is figuring out which kind of "should" you're living with. It might even be a conglomeration of both-- after all, I do shave my legs before I visit my SO, or before I go swimming, or when I get tired of the stubble myself.

Maybe you can cast off the guilt, having figured out that you're living someone else's "should," or maybe you can see where you really do want to make a change-- hang out with local friends more often, maybe, or call your parents instead of him sometimes, or whatever makes sense when you look at it like that.

[Brandie]

I have this attitude too, but it's not a bad thing, i love it. I know it's going to be worth it in the end, and that's all that matters. Now if I was laying around the house like a bum just wishing he was with me is not good, but if you're missing your man and counting down the days, and getting your education, doing what you need to do to be successful in life, then there's nothing wrong with that!