End of deployment blues

[Rach321]

I don't know if there are many active military couples right now, and I'm not technically a military girlfriend. My SO has been working as a civilian in Afghanistan for the past year, and he will be back in the States in just over a couple of weeks!!! Hooray!!!

But if you have experience with deployments, I would appreciate your input.

The problem is that things have been really tough between us the past week or so. We have many misunderstandings. We haven't been communicating as much, but when we do, he's been more distant than normal, less supportive of me. He tends to get frustrated with me easily, and vice versa. We had a little fight yesterday over email, and it devastated me. I really overreacted about it, and he got frustrated with me for it. Now I probably won't hear much from him until he's actually in my arms (due to travel stuff I can't give details about here). I've been a mess... crying, anxious, worried.

Is this normal? I know it's a big transition for him, and for me, so I suppose it probably is. It just doesn't feel very good!

Any tips for how to cope for the next couple of weeks?

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm not in those sort of shoes, but it sounds to me like he's stressed about something, whether it's anxiety about coming home or something else. Add in misunderstandings and you've got a stew of bitter words and hurt feelings. That may be all it is, it may be something else, it's hard to tell when you're that far apart and he's emotionally pulling away. Hopefully you can settle it all when you're face to face and he can't hide behind silence over the phone or through text. As for coping, maybe do some stuff to help take your mind off of it? Pamper yourself in preparation of his homecoming, go out with friends, maybe write him a letter that shows how you feel that you can give to him. Just don't let what could be a molehill turn into a mountain.

[Rach321]

Thanks LMH! I'm sure it's mostly just stress about leaving. He's been in the same small space for the past 12 months. He's leaving friends, a way of life he's become very used to. He's also going to be traveling a bit to get him back here, which is the most dangerous time.

But we also have big conversations to have when he gets back that are sort of scary to consider. He won't have a "home" when he returns. His stuff is at my place, at his dad's, at a friend's. I don't believe we're closing the distance right now, but I also have no idea how much time he's planning on spending here. And now that I think about it, I did just tell him that a mutual friend is getting engaged the same week that he is coming home. It's the last of my close friends to be engaged/married. Maybe he's worried I'll put pressure on him. Wish I were better at considering his perspective before I rush to judgment. Normally, I'm very empathetic and considerate. I think my own uncertainty/anxiety about him coming home is complicating things.

Very much appreciate the advice!

[LadyMarchHare]

It's understandable that all those things would make him uneasy or unhappy. It's difficult to move even back to a way of life you knew after being settled some place else for a while, especially when you have friends. That and technically not having a solid living place to return to when you've had one. As for the pressure, that's entirely possible too. He's been away, you guys have missed one another, it's always a possibility you'd start dropping hint bombs about the next step when everyone around you is getting hitched or planning to and if he's not ready or wants more time to settle himself beforehand then yeah that's stress. All you can really do is see your side and try to understand what you can of his because right now he's really not giving you much to go on. Nerves are nerves and they show in different ways in different people whether we acknowledge them or not.

Hopefully the bickering and misunderstandings won't last for the remainder of his time there and he can see the benefits of being back near you, even if he moves a bit away for a job or home. At the very least even if you're still LD, it's not that great of a distance anymore.

[Silviar]

I wish I had some advice for support, but I can't specifically comment on being part of a military couple.

I can, however, talk as someone who's had friends deployed and as someone who's been in an LDR. My former best friend was military as was her partner, and so they often talked to me about things in their relationship that worried them. They both reported the same thing you are - the distant behavior and so on. It's often a coping mechanism for people in high stress situations. And of course you're extra stressed because you're worried about him.

Both of you are going to have to work extra hard at being understanding and being flexible in forgiveness. Don't be afraid to maybe see a counselor together if this deployment was particularly rough. It's ok to need someone - for both of you. Have you looked into if the military has a support group for spouses/partners of deployed military men and women? I'll bet there is one.

Above all, I just wanted to say *hugs*. Thinking of you, and know that you've got my support whenever you need it.

[MissAnnThropee]

My fiancé is stationed overseas in Japan. I know it's a different situation, but I can somewhat sympathize. If we speak after he's worked for a few days, he is a lot crankier than usual. When you're in a military (and high stress) situation, it can be pretty intense. He doesn't know people over there and he probably misses you a whole lot. I find that if you give him some space and time to de-stress and cool down, it's not as bad. I normally don't call my SO or try to IM/text him. I'll let him call/text/IM me when he's ready and has some time to talk.
Little things can set them off. (It's not as bad for my SO, but I have tons of friends in the military.) You really need to try to just let them be and give them the time that they need so they can get themselves together. He'll come around.

If you're having anxiety about you thinking that you're pressuring him, I would talk to him. I would let him know that you are in it for the long haul, but you don't want to rush anything. Let him know how you feel.

I hope it all works out, and if you do need to talk, let me know!

[Rach321]

Thank you Silviar and MissAnnThropee!

We haven't really talked much since I started the thread, but it's because of travel/lack of access to phone and internet and not avoidance. He stays in touch with me with brief little notes, which means a lot to me.

I've been reading about deployments, and it does seem like my feelings are pretty normal. Doesn't really make it better, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling them.

I've been focusing on getting the house ready for him, even though I don't know how long he'll be here. I made space in over 1/3 of my closet for him. That was a HUGE project, but I'm so proud of myself! I cleaned out a drawer in the bathroom. I've been taking extra good care of my skin, nails, and hair. I've been watching my diet (a little... I'm not letting myself worry too much about that!). And I have major projects that need to be done for my work. I wish I were better at focusing all of my energy there, but I do my best!

The funny thing is that I'm worried at all about seeing him again. I feel a little nervous, and I'm afraid I'll be shy. We've known each other for 9 years now- we've never gone this long without seeing each other in that amount of time, but we've never once been awkward with each other when we've seen each other in person. I suppose I have fear that this time will be different, but there isn't much reason to think so. He travels extensively to all parts of the world, and he's very adaptable. He knows how to take care of himself so that the transition goes smoothly. I know it's not going to be all rainbows and sunshine all the time, and that there may be things that are difficult. There were things that were difficult before he left.

It's just all so exciting and nerve-wracking! I can't wait for this waiting to be over!!

[shelbylovesadrienne]

Well let me tell you from my point of view. im in the military and im currently stationed in afghanistan. i know a lot of civilian workers, and its not just soldiers who are stressed out. those guys have to worry about a lot besides just their jobs. they dont have to go on patrols like we do but they are still in a dangerous place. i know that sometimes when ive had a stressful day i sometimes get aggravated with my SO for little things or things that she cant even help, like bein interrupted on the phone. so i wouldnt really worry about it. it just comes with the job.

[Rach321]

Well let me tell you from my point of view. im in the military and im currently stationed in afghanistan. i know a lot of civilian workers, and its not just soldiers who are stressed out. those guys have to worry about a lot besides just their jobs. they dont have to go on patrols like we do but they are still in a dangerous place. i know that sometimes when ive had a stressful day i sometimes get aggravated with my SO for little things or things that she cant even help, like bein interrupted on the phone. so i wouldnt really worry about it. it just comes with the job.

Somehow missed this before! Thank you for your perspective! Take care!

[Silviar]

I'm really happy you get to see each other soon, and I do a little dance seeing your meter down to just three measly days. Eee! I hope you're still taking care of yourself, and I hope you guys have a wonderful time together. How long will you be with one another?

[Rach321]

Thanks Silviar! I do a little dance too whenever I think about it, and then I feel really, really impatient. I spend so much time getting ready to see him- I've cleaned the house several times, made a sign to hold up a the airport that says welcome home and has a border of red glittery hearts I drew myself. I do little "spa" projects each day so I feel pretty... Now I just need to focus on work! I have a proposal to turn in by Wednesday evening. The deadline has been extended due to the earthquake in Japan, but I don't want to think about it once he gets here... so I must finish!

I know we'll be together for about 10 days. He'll be here at my place for 5 days with me, and then we are going to Florida to see my mom and lay on the beach for 5 days. After that... ???? I know his family will be anxious to see him, so I think his dad will come to pick him up shortly after we arrive from Florida. Then for the next few months at least he'll be back to being 4-5 hours away from me either in Iowa or South Dakota. I hope that he'll find time to come back down to visit, and often, but we'll see! Still much to sort out... We might sort of end the distance at the end of summer, or we might not... I try not to think too far in the future... When I do, I go a little crazy. :P

And you! Just 6 more weeks until you're in his arms for good!!! Yay!!!