Communication Issues

[books]

How do you all deal with them?

I'm feeling so frustrated after my first big argument with the SO a few days ago on the phone. We are only able to talk on the phone w/me being the one to always call and are only able to communicate in his language, Spanish. This leaves me feeling stuck at times when I want to express some king of big emotion I'm feeling but can't find the words. We're still getting to know each other (been together 5 months) but the whole process feels so much more complicated due to the communication barriers. I just kept telling him that we really should talk about some things in person...problem is, I have no idea when I will be able to visit him. I just hate having to argue/cry into a phone, and then when I finally hang up, I'm just left sitting there alone. I decided I'm going to take a few days before I call him again.

[LadyEcstsasy]

We still have a lot of communication issues and sometimes I feel that part of the problem is language. Sad thing is, we both speak English. I'm an English major and have been writing since I was six, so my verbage is very precise when I speak or type so that I can best express myself. A lot of that is lost on my SO and can be frustrating for me to try to explain to him why when he sends me something that I consider ambigious I get upset and second guess his meaning. Usually when we argue it's always in text format and sometimes on the phone.

My best advice is just try to be patient. Take your time to explain yourself and a good rule that I try to uphold is "never go to bed angry", I try to resolve issues as best I can when they happen, or at the very least say "we'll talk about this again later but I want to you know that I still care about you". The sitting there alone part really does suck and I've yet to find anything that really helps with that aside from just trying to distract myself with a book or tv or game.

[Moon]

My guy has expressed frustration with trying to put really complex thoughts and feelings into English, even though he's fluent. It's hard to communicate in another language sometimes, but there isn't much you can do except laugh about it. That's what we do. His native tongue is Finnish and incredibly difficult to learn (although I'm learning slowly), so we have to use English. We just pick through it when we have to and we have translators and dictionaries bookmarked, but we rarely have to use them.

There's not much you can do, but improve your language skills, and that takes a ton of practice. Take it easy and laugh about it together, it really does help. As far as serious issues go, in an LDR you have to communicate what your feeling, you can't wait until you see each other in person, or your issues will never get resolved and someone will always be unhappy. You've got to get used to talking with him about things that you normally wouldn't over the phone, especially since you don't know when you'll see him. It's not always fun, but it's essential to keeping your relationship honest and healthy.

LDR's can be hard and they take some getting used to, but it can definitely be done, as you can see by this site Good luck, and don't be afraid to open up to your SO, the language barrier will get easier as time goes by!

[books]

Thank you both for your responses.

I realized that I am already doing some things that I probably shouldn't be doing such as "going to bed angry". As we were getting off the phone, I think he realized the seriousness of the argument and began apologizing and telling me he loved me. I just didn't respond and then when he asked if I was mad I said no. Obvious lie, but at that point I figured..what good would it do when we had already gone in circles arguing over the same thing. The calls are expensive and I didn't want to keep arguing and get nowhere. When I said goodbye to him I didn't give him a set day I would call like I usually do. Before I got off the phone, I told him I loved him but only because I wanted him to know that I obviously still care, even tho I was pretty upset w/him. He knew there was a real lackluster tone in my words.

I also think I may have a lot of hidden resentment because I brought up the fact that I am working really hard to keep this relationship going. He lives in Nicaragua, the second poorest country in the Western hemisphere, and has very limited resources. I never made any expectation of him to spend his money to communicate with me but I did bring up how it is always me calling. My family, especially my Mom, is not supportive of our relationship and I mentioned to him how I basically accepted being shunned by my Mom for him. I realize this relationship is a choice that I made. I could have easily said goodbye to him forever when I left his country & left it at that. I know I have to accept the sucky things that come along with an LDR if I want to be with him, but that doesn't change the fact that I do feel I am putting in a lot of work...and I want him to acknowledge it.

About the language issues, our argument actually sprung from a supposed "miscommunication". He said something that really angered me and then said that I misunderstood him. I understood his words just fine. I felt totally stuck expressing to him just how upset I was...otherwise we seem to communicate okay.

I almost feel like this is a real turning point for us because I have to accept if I want to go forward, I have to do some things differently. I have a really bad habit of just not talking to people when they upset me. Hence my feeling of not even wanting to call him.

[Subu85]

Perhaps before discussing an issue or something you'd like to discuss with him, write it out... and either send him the message and then discuss it over the phone or read it out so you have what you want to say but you've also taken the time out to look through it and perhaps fix anything that may have been misunderstood. Or maybe try a different means of communication? When my boyfriend and I chat on yahoo we get frustrated so easily and tend to bicker but when we talk on the phone it's better or when we write messages.

I know my boyfriend and I love eachother but because he's in the Korean Army it can be difficult to communicate because even though we may have scheduled a time to chat. He gets called away for duties randomly sometimes so it's very frustrating. But no matter how frustrated we get we always make sure we end things well on a positive note; it takes a LOT of effort sometimes but I just think... do I really want to upset/hurt him? And of course the answer is no....

Good luck~

[Mara]

I also think I may have a lot of hidden resentment because I brought up the fact that I am working really hard to keep this relationship going...I know I have to accept the sucky things that come along with an LDR if I want to be with him, but that doesn't change the fact that I do feel I am putting in a lot of work...and I want him to acknowledge it.

Resentment is a relationship killer and it does sound like you have a quite a bit of resentment for some of the sacrifices you have had to make in order to keep the relationship going. Truthfully, in any relationship, both sides have to make sacrifices, but if one person is keeping a record of what they have done it's not going to work. I think the resentment is more worrying than the communication issues because resentment is something you either have to get over or you can't, communication can easily be worked on and improved.

[uniquefem]

My SO english is no better than i do. He also had problem with communicating or describing what he feel. We end up sometimes in some of miscommunication. We decide not to chat like we use to. Instead changing it to an email.
But that wasn't enough for me! so i start to send him a letter sent from post office. And i made it personal with pink envelope. First he seemed don't really like the idea.. but then.. every time he receive the letter he will call me and say thank you!
I love to write him letter, its well thought and more personal. I send him poems, wrote what i deeply feel about him, about us... my dreams, or just remembering our time together and how i feel about it. Its well described when you wrote it on a letter.. he could read it later on park, doesnt need internet connection too. And i don't have to expect him to reply as in email.
I could add my perfume on it.. draw things there.. so many way to express what i feel or what i think!
Maybe you just same like me... expressive person, while your SO just like mine.. prefer to hide his feeling and clamp up (maybe they think being "cold" is same like being "cool" hehe) anyway... i love him the way he is.. and i dont want to change that!

[lucybelle]

My first language is English and my SO's is Spanish, we're both fluent in both, but there's still times where it takes a while to get a point across. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's frustrating. But I really like getting to learn something new every day. Ask him to start learning a little English just for fun. That way you're not the only one who feels like they're struggling.

Good luck.

[Summer]

I also think I may have a lot of hidden resentment because I brought up the fact that I am working really hard to keep this relationship going. He lives in Nicaragua, the second poorest country in the Western hemisphere, and has very limited resources. I never made any expectation of him to spend his money to communicate with me but I did bring up how it is always me calling.

Just a thought, but can you buy him a phone card or some minutes? Then he can be the one to call you sometimes, even if he doesn't really have the money.

I totally understand your not wanting to talk to people when they upset you. That was always my MO too - the person hurt you, so get away from the person as fast as possible so you don't get hurt again. Unfortunately, this doesn't work at all to keep a relationship going, so you really do have to work on that. It's a slow process, but a valuable one.

Miscommunication is a bear, even when both parties are native speakers... the whole "men are from Mars" type thing, I guess. I think just try to keep letting him know that you need to feel appreciated. Try to set a good example by being appreciative of him, too. Maybe he will be putting in the effort, too, and you guys can work out a good system.

[Leigh]

Communication when your not face to face with the person can be frustrating especially when your having an argument or wanting to discuss issues that are better said person to person. I have had to have the discussions in this manner knowing I couldn't discuss it with him personally. I think you have to choose your words carefully so there not misunderstood. Easier said than done because miscommunication happens sometimes even when you think you have made it clear and to the point.

[xopookie]

I see that sucks! I communicate with my honey in English (Both native English speakers) and he still can't understand me LOL!! Even though, I'm speaking to him in plain english! But yeah, that's one of the most complicated things to do when speaking another language expressing your emotions! Also you have different cultures involved too that kicks in! I see I think a little bit of space like a day or two always does the trick. Also have you tried using skype?! When I spoke to my SO by using skype esp. when I'm mad at him it did wonders to heal our problems because you can see each other, and also if you guys argue you can look all hot for him and argue! BAM TAKE THAT LOL! But it happens to the best of us! So I hope everything gets better

[books]

Thanks to everyone for the replies. It feels unbelievably good to know there are people out there who understand the challenges of a LDR.

I did wind up calling him earlier than planned b/c this argument was really killing me. He wound up apologizing very sincerely, saying he realized what he said was wrong and we both vowed to work on our "communication issues"...mainly just trying to handle things at the moment. I was originally going to wait a few more days to call him, but in the end I thought...what for? I felt like it was just some stupid gesture to show him how mad I really was. I want to set a good example and communicate what I'm feeling, not just shut him out.

I really feel like we need to have more contact. Right now, I call him about twice a week and we talk for an hour at a time. I also send him texts. I would LOVE to use skype, but his internet access is pretty much non-existent. I am making a vow tho to bring up this subject to him and let him know exactly what I would like in terms of increased communication. I don't believe we'll be closing the distance for at least a year so we have many months to get thru.

I think I will continue to struggle expressing what I feel in Spanish. The funny thing is, I had this exact same problem with my ex...and his native language was English! I remember always telling him "I can't put what I feel into words". So it's twice as hard for me in another language but I definitely don't want to use it as an excuse for clamming up and staying quiet if I'm upset about something.