I don't think I could....

[WakeUpSusie]

(first post, yay!)

date somelong long distance if either of these things were part of it:
1. Never having met the person in real life.
2. Not having a concrete end date in sight.

I mean absolutely no offense to anyone whose relationship falls into either category, but I personally don't think I could do it. I have been in a semi LDR for the past four years in college (that's ending in 2.5 months!!) because we go to different universities in different states and don't see each other very often during the school year... but we live in the same town at home so I see him on breaks and over summers. I honestly can't imagine being able to carry on a relationship if either of those categories weren't met. So tell me, those of you in relationships that don't fit into the above categories... how do you do it?!

[Tanja]

Well, I've closed the distance but I'll answer anyway cause it hasn't always been this way.

I fell in love with Andy long before I met him in person. We met online and talked (and dated) for almost a year before we actually met each other. We both knew we wanted each other and we'd seen each other on webcam countless times, we'd spent hundreds and hundreds of hours talking to each other and we knew each other inside out. Not having met face to face had nothing to do with the way felt for each other but when we finally did meet it only reassured us both that we had found the person we want to grow old with.

Also we had no idea how or when to close the distance. Andy was in University at the time and we knew it would take at least a year or 2 before he graduated and everything after that was a mystery. Him moving here was quite a recent decision and there were times when we thought we can't do it and it's too hard but then we just went ahead and did it anyway after being in a LDR for nearly 3 years. He moved here permanently 3 months ago.

How did we do it? We loved each other and never gave up.

[LadyMarchHare]

It all depends on the person. I didn't meet my SO until nearly a year after we began dating, but like Tanja we had seen each other on webcam several times, we spent countless hours talking to one another in any method we had available. We spent time 'together' even though we weren't face to face and it was enough for us to realize that we could hang on to one another until the time came where we'd be able to be in the same room.

Do we have a set plan on ending the distance right now? No. Frankly right now it's not even my main concern, I've got upcoming college classes to worry about, finding myself another job, getting my SO another job since his current one is pretty much killing him, as well as other things like getting a car, license, and so on. Once financial nonsense and the minute details that add up to the big picture are taken care of, THEN I'll worry about it. Yes I miss him, yes I'd like to live with him, get married, etc but that stuff can wait and it's not like I can't continue my life without it. I'd rather have it up in the air until things are secure than say "OK in a year we'll move in together" and go about it regardless only to end up having to move back home or the plan blow up in our faces.

[Brandie]

Well I don't fit into either categories, because I met my boyfriend at the University where we first went at, but then he started to go to a different University, but we is coming back to our University where we first met at the beginning of Spring semester next year! Woohoo!! And I see him as much as possible, he visits me all the time, and I get where you're coming from, because I couldn't imagine not meeting my SO before we started dating, but I guess it's just different for every person!

[LadyEcstsasy]

I only fit into the second because I met him at college 3 years ago before we started dating. He has two houses, one of them is near me, the other is near where we used to go to school and because of the situation with his parents, it's hard to figure out which house he's going to be at and usually he works at the one 160 miles away from me over the summer.... We have a lot of IFs in our relationship. If he does well in school his parents will let him visit me. If he could find another job, I'd like him to come home over the summer. If I can get back into college and if he stays in we could live together. If not, we could be playing this yo-yo distance thing for a while. I don't like it at all (of course) but I do my best to be patient and just take it one day at a time. I know that if I bail out, we'll never be together like we want, so my only alternative is to just cry when I need to, yell when I get frustrated about disappointment and cancelled plans, and keep telling him that I love him and working to make new plans.

It sounds easier than it is really. I get so disappointed sometimes when his plans keep changing and sometimes we both just want to give up because we're tired of being disappointed, or disappointing each other. Sometimes I wonder how we've managed to stay together or how or when we'll ever be together more permanently. But I also know that as much as it sucks that we have to be apart right now, we're both working towards making a future together. He needs to get an education, I needed to get a job and take a break from college.

[Miramaid]

I do not know how I do it (i fall into #2 category). It is definitely HARD!

[Silviar]

I fell into #1 - I think it seems impossible only if you've never done it. Lots of people meet online, then chat, like what they hear and decide to meet in person. I view as nothing more than that, just that our distance was longer than other peoples, so we waited a few months more to meet than people who are SD.

LD versus SD each gives an advantage when getting to know someone, just in different ways.

[Sora1101]

I fall into both catagories and quite honestly sure it is hard, but as to not being able to have a LDR because you've never met in person, that just closes a lot of great options, you never know who your soulmate will be, and quite frankly, there are more people in the world than in your same area. When you fall in love with someone it isn't because of how they look and the fact that you get to hold them, you love them for their personality and that's exactly what you get in a long distance relationship, you get every detail and aspect of their personality, you grow to love one another through the hardships of fighting to be together and grow together even though you're apart.

[BoogleBee]

I met my SO online and at the time I definitely did not think anything could come of it because we lived on opposite sides of the world (New Zealand -> Germany) but we just really connected and I had never met someone who understood me so well before. We decided to become a couple before we met in person. I was worried at first about how it would work, or what to do, but then something that helped me decide to take the leap and enter the relationship was two of my friends actually asked if we were in a relationship and I said "how would that work, she lives in germany" but they said "well it might not work for us, but if you want it go for it" so that helped me.

We both realised that we had to meet early on though, to see how we were in person together and so we met in Jan 2010, after 2 months of being official.
Something else I realised though is that I don't know if we would have met in real life (if we lived in the same place) or if we had I don't know if we would have gotten to know each other so well if we met CD. I am terribly shy and I think I have walls that I put up. In real life I avoided meeting people or the idea of relationships. But yet online I was always much more open and in the it helped me, and us.

As for closing the distance, when we started we had no idea. We lived on opposite sides of the world, I was (and still am) at University. She is in a 2 year course, and is nearly halfway through.

[folclor]

used to fall into both but now only fall into #2.

Here's the deal... when you meet someone online it's not about the physical chemistry, it's about the person. If you like their personality then you can fall in love with them. simple as that. It happened to me when Ididn't think it could.

[Rosebud]

Um, yes and yes? I dated my boyfriend or over a year without ever having met him beforehand, and even though we've just past the 1.5 year mark we still don't have any concrete plans in sight for when the distance may end. Is it easy? No. It's really not. But it's not impossible. I don't know why you "couldn't imagine" going about a relationship in such a way seeing as plenty of people here seem to deal with it just fine.

[Dziubka]

I'm undecided about this.
On the one hand my mind tells me that I couldn't do it. I'd never be sure whether there'd be the same chemistry in person and basically to fall in love with someone I guess I need them to be there in Person.
But then, when I was 17ish I sort of had a crush on a guy I only knew online. I didn't actually pursue a relationship with him, because I sort of didn't consider it sensible before at least having met him. We were sort of planning a visit, but then ended up not meeting at all because I met someone else.
Anyway what I wanted to say is that I do believe it's possible to fall for someone online. So yeah, while I can't imagine at this point that I could have a relationship with someone I hadn't met, I can't say for sure I could never do it.

As to the concrete end date... We don't have one either. But we do see each other regularly, so I feel it's maybe not as pressing. If I didn't see my boyfriend at least once a month, I'd be more concerned about closing the distance, too. I mean I am now, too. But it's definitely not the same as for the intercontinental couples who can only see each other every couple of months.
Actually, when I had to leave my boyfriend's city I was sort of considering if it made sense to continue our relationship. It's not that I didn't love him and I don't really know how to say this without seeming totally unromantic and heartless but.. I firmly believe that there is not 'The One'-person for us. There is a lot of people that we could have very happy relationships with, it's just a matter of who we meet and who we fall in love with. And I firmly do not believe that "love conquers all" I do think there are situations, when even if two people love each other and want to be together, it might not work because of the circumstances.
I know we don't always make the most reasonable decisions and I don't know how I would behave if I really was to decide, but right now I think I wouldn't have a relationship if I couldn't see my boyfriend at least once a month.
I'd still try to do something so we could live closer/close the distance, but until something was definite I'd sort of say that we're not exclusive and that if one of us found someone else... then well...

I mean like I said that's the theory. I might quite possibly do the total oppsite if I really had to face that situation, because I'm not a very reasonable/logical person at all (only in my mind unfortunately).
So yeah... don't kill me... please.

[paulawriteslove]

I guess I fit into both categories, somewhat. I met my boyfriend online and somehow fell head over heels for him. We didn't fall in love though until I met him, 6 months after we started dating. At that time in our relationship we weren't sure when the distance would end. But 2 years later, we know we're going to close the distance either this year or last year.

[Moon]

To each his own, I guess, it works really well for us. We work together, and after we started exploring a relationship, it took us 7 months to meet in person. We're able to do this because we're both fiercely independent, and have the utmost respect for each other. I've finally found the right guy for me, one who understands me and shares my values. I'm not going to let a little thing like distance ruin that, since its taken this long to find it in the first place. You should be a little more open-minded about things, especially on a forum full of people who are making LDR's work

[Alisz]

No offense, but you're making your first post by critizing half the members here? fo_O

Anyways, I'll answer as my relationship is both those things you described. We haven't met yet (working on it) and we don't have a set date to close the distance. To be comparative, I've been in a LDR relationship that lasted 4 years in which I bounced back and forth with living with my ex and being at home. The relationship I currently have with Ray is 100x better than that was. The difference is the person. Ray is worth it and he treats me better than anyone who was CD or otherwise has and he makes it work despite the distance.

Ray was actually asked this same question by his sister's boyfriend. They had just started dating (this was like a year ago) and he was curious. I think his answer better sums up anything I could say. He posed to him how he felt about his girlfriend (Ray's sister). Ray said that it was like that, but remove the physical stuff and what's left? The love. The physical stuff is just a bonus, but the real meat of the relationship is the love, admiration and trust which has no physical boundaries. And that's the short answer. We enjoy each other's company, we meet each other's emotional needs, we trust each other and we're committed because we are what each other wants in a SO.