His ex

[Subu85]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months 4 of which we were together. In December he contacted his ex girlfriend and since then she has been constantly messaging him trying to remind him of their past together even though she knows we're together and he informed her that they're just friends. The reason why he contacted her was because he says that he treated her really bad [5 years ago] and she left him. He had a severe drug habit and told me about how he "put her life through severe hell" and how he would like to pay her back for everything [financially]. Although that's somewhat admirable it seems as though it's giving her hope as she doesn't cease to send him nostalgic messages but he just wants to stay in touch to see if she's ok. And it seems that he feels immense guilt too but when he does reply to her, he mentions me or keeps it neutral. And he tells me about their messages.

I'm not too sure what to make of it because a part of me feels like errrrr... she's still into you why are you leading her on? And the other part of me feels as though I should just let it be since he replies in a way that shows that he's not interested and he told me that he doesn't feel for her anymore.
To be honest it drives me mad sometimes knowing this other woman is constantly trying to remind him of their past and stir his emotions but I am disappointed that he allows it to continue like this. I don't think I can tolerate this kind of problem in a relationship. I feel like since he knows it upsets me, doesn't he care?
It's frustrating because he's in the military and communication is limited and usually short so at times we don't even get to finish our conversation. I don't want to discuss this and let it get too heated while we're apart. We're seeing eachother in 5 months *sigh*

What do you all make of this situation? And what do you think I should do?

Many thanks!

[TknandLvnIt]

My SO and I had similar issues with one of his ex gf's and a couple of other people that were interested in him. What I had to accept was that I was secure in the relationship and that they were an ex for a reason. The ex in question like your SO's ex was going through a rough time and was very stressed and didn't feel like she had anyone to go to. She was open about her feelings for him and that she wished that they could have gotten back with him but he was also clear about where he stood. He would end the conversation when things went into that area and so she knew that it wasn't ok. I had a similar situation as well with an ex before we were official that would do the same thing to me but my SO reacted a bit differently to say the least lol...Men...but anyway he cared enough to want to be there but wanted to cut her off because he didn't want to give me any reason to worry about her. I told him that wasn't necessary because as long as he was open about when and how he communicated with her I was comfortable. He seems to be honest with you about when he talks to her and what happens in the conversation. Be honest about how you feel about it even if it comes down to an email or letter. He values your relationship and I'm sure he wouldn't risk your relationship to maintain contact with her.

[uniquefem]

Well for sure if that's happens to me i would tell him how i feel about it. They call it past for a reason, its already passes away. You could look back sometimes, its ok if they just want to remember it, but too often and intense (in terms like they replied each others every time they text/sms/mail) it would kind of annoying because he have you now.
Both of you living in present not past! its happens to me once, and its kind of making me feel down and upset. Because i wont do such, giving hopes to my ex, because long distance its about trust... you don't want your love one doubt you, or think you're disrespecting their feeling, just don't try to do things that you don't want your SO do! (like talking continuously with an ex).

But sure, i will stay cool (trying) don't want to be the reason for him to compare both of you and think that you're crazy insecure gf and made her look better (also sound bit childish). Its good that you feel confident about your relationship

But still.. if you feel discomfort about that you should tell him... he did being honest about what hes doing with her.. at least let him know if you feel anything about it.

[Miramaid]

I would not be ok with that BUT! He is honest with you and he tells you abt their messages and it seems like he really is not into her. I also know that those people who go through 12 steps program HAVE to pay back to those they have hurt in the past. I do not know if he is in that program to get over drugs but if he is then he is doing the things he needs to do to get back to a normal life.

[Silviar]

1) I think your boyfriend needs to clue into the fact that he's not talking to a girl who's capable of making sound decisions. If she's a druggie, she's most likely very emotionally compromised, and she's not going to leave him alone. In that case, he really is better off cutting off all contact. Often with drug addicts, it's an all or nothing procedure.

2) In the end, it's really none of your business. It's his friendship, for better or for worse, and his decision to keep contacting her as much or as little as he wants. I'd take a step back and remember you can't control who he's friends with - and trying to will most likely drive him away. Focus on you guys and having the best relationship you can make instead of letting the past eat what you've got alive.

[Subu85]

TknandLvnIt~ Thanks so much for sharing your own experience. I admire the way even though he proposed that he not contact his ex you still gave him that choice and I think that's something I need to do. It maybe be hard for me to truely be ok with it in the beginnig but like you did, I need to accept that I'm in a secure relationship he loves me and to trust him more.
uniquefem~ Yeah I agree constant messaging with an ex is definately annoying and my first reaction was to tell him either not message her to or to keep the friendship boundaries. But I think I'm just going to allow him to continue messaging her and take a step back as he already knows how I feel... I think this has brought a negatve side to me that I don't like. So I need to go back to my old self and realise my self worth because my behaviour may come across as needy right? I hope things work out well for you too! ^^
tissa~ He reads a lot of self help books and I've never heard of the 12 step process you mentioned, thanks for informing me. It makes me think that since it is all part of healing that I should be more undestanding to an extent. I know he isn't proud of his past and even though his progress may be slow and gradual he really does WANTS to change.
Silviar~ I don't think she's an addict anymore either from judging from what she tells him about herself. And your response was frank, but you're right and it made me realise that I don't want to become a controling girlfriend. And asides this glitch our relationship is going well. And I shall focus on improving it. Thank you for your advice.

[Miramaid]

tissa~ He reads a lot of self help books and I've never heard of the 12 step process you mentioned, thanks for informing me. It makes me think that since it is all part of healing that I should be more undestanding to an extent. I know he isn't proud of his past and even though his progress may be slow and gradual he really does WANTS to change.

12 steps program is the most popular and widely used (in the whole world) program for recovering alcoholics and people with drug addiction. It is very time consuming and each step takes a while and requires them to do certain things towards their recovery. Contacting people from their past who they have hurt or stole money from or borrowed money and did not return is one of the steps of the program. One of the hardest ones coz it is very emotionally challenging and takes courage to look those people in the eyes and it is shameful.
I do not know if your SO is following those steps coz usually people who do have a sponsor (a person who has recovered and helps to push the one in recovery further) and support groups and such. But may be he is doing it on his own. Look at the kind of books he is reading and see if it says anything about it.
He may just feel bad for his past too you know... but the girl should not act like that (you can't do anything about her actions tho)