really needing advice..

[ril20ca]

I really need advice here, my boyfriend and I have known each other for 3 years and had an amazing connection back then just timing was off and recently reconnected back in October 2010, I was in a relationship at that point that was going no where and the reconnection gave me the much needed push to end the (bad, abusive) situation i was in. We officially started dating mid-January, and when we're together (we have met and gotten together on several occasions and try to whenever financially possible) things are wonderful. However and more so recently we have been having arguments, we can only call each other after 6pm and on weekends, so we rely a lot on texting. Our arguments we both agree are often silly, for example if I don't respond quickly to a text because i was in the middle of something he thinks i am too busy for him and gets upset, and the other day it set me off and I went into a full blown rant, when really all i should have said was sorry I'm just in the middle of something, but the rant really seemed to damage our connection. Another fight ensued because i was sick the other day and refused to go see a doctor when he asked me to because he was worried, and he felt I wasn't taking care of myself. We don't know how to deal with these silly little fights, and we feel that our relationship is great when we're together, but because until July (we are moving to be with each other) we can't be together physically this might tear us apart. He also mentioned today feeling that we lost our emotional connection, and he now expects us to fight every time we talk. I've tried researching how to avoid these silly arguments and how to get that emotional connection back because we both feel this can work and want to stay together because we both feel we really love each other, however I don't know what else to do. I've suggested that when we get upset we start taking a 5-10minute break and then come back to work on the issue, as well as watching how we word things especially through text so that the other doesn't get defensive (using I instead of you). I just don't know what else to do. Any help or suggestions would be wonderful.

[Miramaid]

ehhhhhh sounds like a power struggle in a relationship. Just like in mine.
He wont change. You either accept the way he is or not. I am afraid that is the only thing. Sounds like he wants things to be his way (you are sick and are old enough to know what to do, but he is pushing you to go to a doc.even if you do not feel a need) even in little things and that is how it will be. Unless he recognized what the real issue is and works on it (same goes for you).
Good luck!

[Insanity]

Hey I can't say I'm overly experienced with fights because my SO and I don't really argue much but every now and then we do have disagreements. I can relate to what you're saying though, it can be really easy to personalise things when in a LDR, getting upset over things like not getting replies fast enough. I guess the best advice I can give is for both of you to try to look at things from you're SO's point of view. I've found what has helped my SO and I is that we always want the best for each other and both try not to get selfish or self centred. Of course we slip up but forgiving each and admitting when we've done something wrong helps too.
When it comes to silly fights, what I do is always ask myself is it worth it? and generally just stop myself because the answer is always no, happiness within my relationship is always more important than getting my point across over silly things.

I hope that helps, I'm sure you can work it out

[TknandLvnIt]

The distance can put a lot of unnecessary pressure on a relationship and I think this is the case in yours and in mine as well. My SO and I get into little tiffs when we really miss each other. We resolve it by saying " baby why are you picking a fight" or something along those lines. Its kinda one of those moments where you realize what you are doing. Or my SO will say something simple like I miss you too or I love you too in the middle of a rant and somehow that defuses the situation. You have to find the root of the problem figure out what's causing the communication issues. Why certain things make you more upset than others and vice versa...I know a lot of our issues stem from a desire to be able to do more and be near our SO and sometimes because you can't little things like not taking advice when we are sick ( I do the same thing) or not answering a text can make you feel more distant. I think that the ideas you had are really good and its something that you two should talk out together.

[Miramaid]

I guess the best advice I can give is for both of you to try to look at things from you're SO's point of view. I've found what has helped my SO and I is that we always want the best for each other and both try not to get selfish or self centred.

good point

[nic&matt]

I think couples go through fighting phases, especially if it's been a while when seeing them in person or someone is super busy. There's no great way to avoid it but Insanity makes a fabulous point. Always look from their prespective.
You also can't fix eachother, only yourself. If something he does upsets you, the only thing you can do (besides talk to him about it) is to make sure you don't do it either. Treat others the way you wanted to be treated.
Texting can always create problems! It does in mine all the time. If something could be taken the wrong way, you both need to make sure you don't just jump the gun. It might not be what you think at all. I'll always ask if it was sarcastic or to rephrase it, just to make sure.
Surprisingly I think people get "better" at silly fueds. You can't make them go away but the more you have, the quicker you pass them over and move on. The first ones seem like huge deals and problems that you "need to fix" but in truth, I think they really help your guys communication level.
Being able to handle small arguments makes it easier to handle big ones, just think about it that way.
Good luck and I hope you two work it all out!

[Silviar]

Welcome to the forums.

Fights happen no matter if you're LD or SD. I think it's great you're looking at ways to help work through it. One thing that my SO and I do that works well for us is that one of us will say "I'm in a really bad mood, I need to walk away for a few minutes and then I'll be back. I love you." We use that sort of language to signal to each other that the other one isn't in a good mood and needs to be backed off. even when we're spitting mad, we still say I love you.

Make sure to use I statements and not "you" statements. Using you statements will only put him on the defensive.

And an emotional connection isn't lost because of a few fights. Hell, fighting shows just how passionate and emotional you can be!

I would also suggest working in some serious couples time to be lovey dovey with one another. It helps. Have a webcam date or something, do some sexy stuff, etc. Good luck.

[Moon]

I think sometimes in LDR's, couples try to compensate for their lack of physicality by smothering their partner in every other way. It also can bring out insecurities that are easier to hide when you're CD, it's almost like you're constantly trying to "prove" how much in love you are by never leaving the other one in any peace.

Your SO needs to understand that you're allowed to be in the middle of something, and it might happen more often than he likes, but that's life. LDR's only work when there's trust, respect, and communication, not to mention a degree of independence so you can live your life like you need to. It sounds like he's being a little petty and insecure, I think you need to have a serious, but gentle conversation with him. Let him know that he is important, but he'll occasionally need to wait, because you have things that have to get done. Explain that you'd get that emotional connection back, if you knew you could depend on him to trust your decisions, and that you'll contact him when its possible. Good luck!