His Friend

[Marikusa]

My boyfriend has this friend, Tania, and i guess they've been good friends for about a year or two? Anyway the story behind it is that they met in school and she invited him over to her house. He thought that something was going to happen between them.. because she lived alone, and had invited him... but in the end nothing happened and he realized that she wasn't that way.. and they became good friends. He says he sees her a a sister now. She has a boyfriend who she has been with forever.

Before, he used to go to her house almost everyday to study. It didnt bother me before because i trust him, and they were just studying.. He usually stayed even later because after studying he'd stay for dinner, and a movie.. sometimes with just her, and sometimes with her boyfriend too. He used to get home around 2-4 Am! and like it didnt get to me as much.. That's until their final exams came around and they both failed...
So.. I just got really angry. I started having doubts, but he explained that the prof. had stuff on the exam that he hadnt even covered, and that the exam was audio anyway.. If you heard it wrong then theres nothing you can do (hes a musician)..

It really IRKS the crap out of me that hes always at her house.. He usually goes to hang, and then he stays later for a movie.. or to eat.. Almost everyday. If it wasn't almost every day it wouldn't bother me so much, but this turned into such a problem for me.
I get sooo angry now. I really do not want him there so late
and i don't want him seeing her everyday.
I don't want to tell him not to do things, but it really bothers me..
I've talked to him about it, and he says hed try but like
he'll be good about it
then start over with the same thing.. He'll first say.. that she invited him for dinner with her bf.. then hell stay later to watch a movie with them.. and wont get home til 2-3am.

I dont think hes cheating, but i dont know how to resolve this issue.
I get so damn angry that i swear i start seeing red. Argh.

[Miramaid]

I feel your pain. I would not like it either to say the least. I think I would suggest them all to go to movies on weekends and go out to eat sometimes, but staying till 2-4 a.m. almost every day with a girl who has a BF sounds fishy to me. No boyfriend would like that either

[Silviar]

It sounds to me what really sparked it is you're angry that 1) he's studying but failed the exam, so how much good is it REALLY doing? and 2) a bit of jealousy.

I would recommend focusing on the fact that he's going over there and hanging out in a nonproductive manner, if you bring it up to him. Him failing an exam isn't good, and if I were in your shoes, I'd recommend he spend a bit more time studying at home so he can get more done. His studies are important, and failing them could be extremely detrimental.

And also - instead of focusing how much time he spends with her, why don't you instead ask him to spend specific times every week with you. Make those your afternoons to spend time together, talk, have a date, and so on. By focusing on the good and not the bad, it'll help mitigate all that anger.

[Insanity]

Sounds like a really hard situation to be in, I can imagine it must really frustrate you. Sounds like you have tried to talk about it with him but that still hasn't resolved things. I could be wrong but it doesn't seem like he wants to change. The only way he will start doing things differently is if he wants to, or he sees a positive in changing.
I guess you need to ask yourself can you live with him being this way? because he may never change.

I would feel the same way if I was you and I don't think I could handle that, you're happiness is important too.

[TknandLvnIt]

I think you two need to talk about boundaries and guideline for your relationship. If he wouldn't be comfortable with you doing it then he shouldn't be doing it either. Part of being in a relationship is compromise. Tell him how you feel try not to get to angry about it when you are talking to him so talk about it when he isn't there with her. I wouldn't say that he is cheating but I would say that he isn't being very respectful of your relationship. Every day is a bit ridiculous maybe arrange a certain number of days where you feel comfortable with him being there and a time that you would like for him to leave by. One of those night you should make a Skype date night and maybe it will help

[Marikusa]

Thanks everyone!
Tissa, I know it sounds bad, but i really trust him. I'm sure he wasnt doing anything he wasnt supposed to. I think Silviar hit it on the head. I was really angry that he failed his exam because before that there was a whole thing about that he did poorly on his exams because he spent most of his time talking to me. So he wanted to cut our time short so he could study. Which is why it didnt bother me that he was there everyday studying.. Then when they failed it made me angry. I'm also a bit jealous because he spends so much time with her. I wish it was me he'd be spending time with like that!

I brung it up again yesterday, and after trying to explain that it wasn't that he went there that bothered me, it was that he was there so often.. he gave me the option of telling him how many days a week he can go. I don't really like telling him what to do but anyway. i told him 2 days a week. So i hope that fixes this problem.. otherwise idk how im going to get over it.

[Summer]

You really have no power to "tell him what to do." What you CAN do is say, "Look, sweetie, I know this is jealous and irrational and I'm really, really sorry. You know I trust you, but I also miss you so much, and I get jealous that FriendGirl gets to spend time with you when I can't. I know it doesn't make sense, but it really does upset me when you hang out [just the two of you, until really late at night, on days when you don't have time to talk to me, whatever bothers you most]. I've tried not to let it bother me, but I just can't help feeling sad and jealous. What can WE do about this?"

Then let him try to offer some suggestions. Just describe how you're feeling, and how things stand for you - don't be accusatory, or preachy. Just tell him how you're feeling. If he's truly a good guy and cares about your feelings he will try to do something to make things better.

Honestly I've had this conversation with my BF before, when we were *living* together. He had a female coworker named M. (She also had a long-term boyfriend.) But my BF would come home and say, oh, M did the funniest thing today, oh, at lunch M and I were playing cards and played a trick on this other guy, oh, you'll never guess what I heard from M today... she was his best friend at work, and it was getting to be a kind of intimate friendship. So, I just told him that logically I didn't want to interfere with his friendships, and I definitely didn't want to boss him around, but I was definitely jealous of this other girl even though I was trying not to be. So, we talked, and he decided (smartly) that I wouldn't be as jealous if M and I were friends, too, so we started doing a lot of double dates with M and her boyfriend. We're all still friends, 3 years later, and I don't feel jealous anymore. But, I think things might have gotten really unhappy if I didn't speak up about what I was feeling, even though I didn't *like* what I was feeling. Know what I mean?

[xopookie]

My boyfriend has this friend, Tania, and i guess they've been good friends for about a year or two? Anyway the story behind it is that they met in school and she invited him over to her house. He thought that something was going to happen between them.. because she lived alone, and had invited him... but in the end nothing happened and he realized that she wasn't that way.. and they became good friends. He says he sees her a a sister now. She has a boyfriend who she has been with forever.

Before, he used to go to her house almost everyday to study. It didnt bother me before because i trust him, and they were just studying.. He usually stayed even later because after studying he'd stay for dinner, and a movie.. sometimes with just her, and sometimes with her boyfriend too. He used to get home around 2-4 Am! and like it didnt get to me as much.. That's until their final exams came around and they both failed...
So.. I just got really angry. I started having doubts, but he explained that the prof. had stuff on the exam that he hadnt even covered, and that the exam was audio anyway.. If you heard it wrong then theres nothing you can do (hes a musician)..

It really IRKS the crap out of me that hes always at her house.. He usually goes to hang, and then he stays later for a movie.. or to eat.. Almost everyday. If it wasn't almost every day it wouldn't bother me so much, but this turned into such a problem for me.
I get sooo angry now. I really do not want him there so late
and i don't want him seeing her everyday.
I don't want to tell him not to do things, but it really bothers me..
I've talked to him about it, and he says hed try but like
he'll be good about it
then start over with the same thing.. He'll first say.. that she invited him for dinner with her bf.. then hell stay later to watch a movie with them.. and wont get home til 2-3am.

I dont think hes cheating, but i dont know how to resolve this issue.
I get so damn angry that i swear i start seeing red. Argh.

Ok, that's definitely suspect! How can you be studying "together" all the time and fail the damn exam! That's a damn shame! Also studying together.... people usually can't get issh done when studying together! I understand why you're mad you have every right to be. I don't know but this sounds super fishy and plus feelings could grow for each other all the time... Does he always talk about her? Does he always justify on why he's always with her?! If so, you have every right to be suspicous

[vpavelock]

This is completely rational jealousy and although I don't quite believe that men and women can't be just friends (like in Harry and Sally) I do think the whole scenario is a little suspicious. As much as you don't want to seem entirely controlling, I see nothing wrong with telling him it'd make you feel a lot better if he limited the time he spent with her.

[PucasKitten]

ehhhh I don't know about that :/ And if he shortened time with you because of grades and then still failed that's a little weird...

[steph_bballgirl]

that definitely sounds if-y to me.
i would definitely talk to my boyfriend about it and tell him how i really feel about it, calmly.

[Marikusa]

OK, So, this has been an ongoing problem since December. I tried talking to him kindly. Every time i try to bring up my concerns he gets defensive saying that its stupid, and that i have no reason to worry. I never ever said that he couldn't see her. I just said that i would like if he went to see her less, and not stayed so late. So the other day when he asked me how many days a week he can see her... i was reluctant to answer because i don't want to set limits like that... I don't like to, but he kept pushing for an answer. He said it was the only solution.. So i said id be OK with two days a week. Then everything was fine..

Today he called me while i was on lunch break. There's this Handyman at work that has his eye on me, and everyone has been trying to do everything possible for me to spend time with him. Anyway, he helped me make coffee, and i told my boyfriend that.. and from that he got all angry. He said that If i know he likes me, why do i have to "spend time with him".. Which was stupid because it was just helping make coffee.. That is not spending time with him.. Anyway, i tried to calm him down and tell him "Don't worry about it. You're the only one i have eyes for bla bla". I told him that hes the handy man, and anyway id have to talk to him whenever i needed to but im not actually spending time with him. I told him that as long as he respects that i have a bf i dont see the problem with exchanging words with him.. like "hi, bye" etc.
And i told him that my best friend who is a guy has had feelings for me and probably still does and he respects that i have a bf and treats me like a friend (which he knew from the beginning) and he just blew up.

"You don't have the right to talk to me about my friend (Tania) if your friend Jason likes you bla bla" and i was like yeah well the diffrence is that I've never liked Jason. YOU liked her.. and he said that that was before he actually got to know her bla bla. Anyway he threw it in my face about the seeing her less.. which pissed me off sinceit was HIS idea.

I told him that i was done. I do not want to argue about her anymore. I shouldnt have to fight with him just to get him to see her less. He should just say OK and thats it. Just like i would do for him. Anyway, he kept prolonging this.. saying that i chose for him, and that he wants to be with me bla bla that im breaking his heart, but like i told him i didnt want to keep arguing about the same bullshit. We've been going on about this since december and i told him that if we dont fix this problem that i was going to leave him. He thinks hes right, but anyone can tell him that hes not. ITS NOT OK TO GO TO A FRIENDS HOUSE EVERYDAY TILL 3-4AM NO MATTER IF IT DOESNT LOOK RIGHT. Hes not respecting me.. and i feel like hes choosing her over me although hes saying he chooses me.

Ugh.

[adielovesshelbs]

I think you two need to talk about boundaries and guideline for your relationship. If he wouldn't be comfortable with you doing it then he shouldn't be doing it either. Part of being in a relationship is compromise. Tell him how you feel try not to get to angry about it when you are talking to him so talk about it when he isn't there with her. I wouldn't say that he is cheating but I would say that he isn't being very respectful of your relationship. Every day is a bit ridiculous maybe arrange a certain number of days where you feel comfortable with him being there and a time that you would like for him to leave by. One of those night you should make a Skype date night and maybe it will help

i agree. i would be worried as well. have you met her? does she know about you?