Never, never, never give up? Or is that a fairy tale?

[ariver11]

Hello Everyone,

I needed someone to talk to and understand me.. So despite the fact that I have been a lurker, here we go..

I have been with my boyfriend, Stefan, for 2.5 years. He is Austrian, we met when he studied abroad in New Mexico, USA (my home state) and were back and forth between the US and Austria since then. I made a big decision after my university graduation: to pursue a Masters in Economics in Berlin. I didn't know anyone here, I didn't know German very well at that point, but I liked the program and it afforded me an opportunity to be nearer to Stefan while pursuing my academic goals. I could have found something closer (we are currently a short flight or 12 hour train ride away from each other) but i would not have been ok with moving around the world just to be with a guy, because i have so many dreams of my own.

Moving to Europe was expensive, and a challenge. In Berlin: I've made friends, I'm liking it, and my german is really good! Sometimes though, I feel lonely, I'm working two part-time jobs while studying, which can be tiring, and while I am learning a lot, I am making only a decent salary that can cover all my expenses and just a tiny bit more. Plus, I feel homesick sometimes. I have friends, but not my best friends. It's really different.

Stefan, on the other hand - doesn't pay rent, works for family businesses occasionally, which means a lot of down time while making good money for the time. Besides his study abroad program, he visited me once while I lived in New Mexico, and three times since I have been in Berlin. I visited Austria three times from the US, and about five or six since I've been here.

I love seeing him and it's great. But the numbers bug me. Why is it that the numbers are so uneven, especially when I was the one to uproot my life and give so much up to come here? I certainly don't have more time off. I have to pay rent, insurance, and food/essentials - he doesn't pay any of that, so I can safely say it's not because of the money situation.

Why why why why is it that he cannot see that?! We had a bit of a crisis over the summer because of the same thing - I was having a hard time and almost got involved with another guy. At the end, nothing happened, and we had a serious discussion about it. He even teared up, saying that when he found out about the near-brush with the other guy, that he thought he last 2.5 years meant nothing to me. He said to talk to him about anything, anytime.

So now it's happening yet again, except about visits over the next few months. I used up basically all my holiday days to go home over Christmas so I can't take much time off. I was visibly not very happy - on Skype - and when it came down to it, Stefan said we'd figure it out when I'm there - I'm going on Saturday. I tried to talk about it a bit and he switched the topic in record time to Champions League scores. I'm really flexible and love sports myself - but I need to know dates for taking time off work and because tickets are more and more expensive every day.

I am just getting this feeling that it's always going to be me to make the big sacrifices. I don't know. I love him, I know he loves me, and time together is great, but I have always been focused on my own goals. I feel Stefan hasn't made many changes at all. I don't want to complain. I just need this off my chest.

Can anyone just give me some moral support? Thank you guys so much

[Dziubka]

Firt of all Kudos for moving to Germany. A new continent, a new language and not even having your SO nearby takes a lot of courage

I guess I sometimes feel the same about the uneven sacrifices. I have visited my boyfriend about twice as much as he has visited me and have stayed there longer at average. He would have had time to visit me more often, but in his holidays he went on trips with his dad and friends instead of spending the time with me. I'm always worried about checking ticket prices, scheduling visits, getting tickets on time, etc. If I didn't do that we'd see each other a lot less.
I've also looked into possibilites to close the distance from the very beginning, while he used to not really spend much thought on it. It has changed recently and he's actually planning to get his Master's in Germany, BUT I've researched that and found him the programme.
It's hard to say, though, who has more money. Technically he doesn't have any money of his own at all, but he's living with his parents and they're bo no means poor. I've been supporting myself (grands, scholarships, jobs) for years now. I'm not rich, but I have some disposable income and it's mine and if I chose to spend most of it on plane tickets, then I can do that.

I do think I make more sacrifices in our relationship and I don't think that will ever change. Once we'll have children I'm going to stay at home with them at least for a few years instead of pursuing my career, so he can work (and I'm getting a M.A. degree, too).
I'm ok with that, though. In relationships I've always been the one to sacrifice more and it doesn't make me unhappy. I want to be with him and see him as often as possible, so I'm doing whatever it takes to achieve that. As long as it makes me happy, I don't care that I'm giving more than him.
That's the crucial point, though. You have to ask yourself if you're happy with the way things are. Relationships don't always have to be 50/50, but it's important that they make you happy. If they don't: change something.

Maybe one reason why he isn't putting as much into the relationship might be that he simply doesn't have to. You're visiting him every x-weeks. He doesn't actually have to worry about seeing you, because you take care of it anyway.
I know it's very very hard (I'm a worrier myself) and easier said than done, but try to do less. Plan less, even if you've already planned a visit/bought tickets, don't tell him about it. Quite possibly, if he needs to do more, he'll start to do so.
It seemed to work with my boyfriend anyway.

[Zephii]

Glad you started posting

Why is it that the numbers are so uneven, especially when I was the one to uproot my life and give so much up to come here?

You moved to Berlin for your own goals, not for him. So he probably doesn't see that as a reason he should visit you more often. You chose that path, you know? So while it must be very hard and I admire what you're doing, you can't expect more from him based on that.

But as you've said, there seems to be no good reason the numbers are so uneven, and you need to talk to him about that. There's no avoiding it, this stuff wont get worked out without communication. If he changes the subject, stop him and bring him back to it (gently).

It's possible he doesn't feel the need for visits as frequently as you do, because he's not lacking an intimate support system the way you are being away from your besties and family. Maybe he's saving his money up for something else and feels visits are wasteful - not because he doesnt want to see you, but because the money could be going towards your future instead. It could be anything! But you wont know if you's don't talk.

With that said, relationships are never blatently 50/50. It takes each of your strengths and weaknesses to make a balance. For example, in my relationship I've done the bulk of the visiting (I visited him twice and have lived in his country for over a year - he visited me once.) so far, and I come up with most of the little things that keep our relationship exciting and special because his strengths are not in that area, where as he brings things to other areas of the relationship, by being more emotionally stable, organising things like our visas, and a million other little things that I would prefer not to have to do - so that in the end it works out being fair, though no one part of our relationship is actually equal. So you need to find those things you take care of in the relationship, and the things he does to make up for that - step back and view the over all thing rather than this issue. Sometimes that helps.
I hope this makes sense!

[lucybelle]

I like to agree with what Zephii said in that you went to Berlin to help yourself. I think that this experience will change your life for the better in so many ways.

As for the financial portion-- money is always a huge issue with couples. I know what it's like to be broke and not have anyone understand. They ask you if you want to order pizza... I DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR THAT. It's difficult.

All you can do is talk about it and try to help him understand what's going on. But really, unless he's been through the same thing, he won't ever truly understand you. It sucks, but it's something I think you will have to come to terms with. That's not saying that he shouldn't come visit you or be more empathetic to your situation. It's just that he'll never really know what it's like to be broke since he's never been there.

Good luck.