Looking for help/advice

[adrian]

Not sure anyone can really help, but I am my worst enemy and not sure how to deal anymore. My boyfriend and I are always in contact thru the day. I mean like every couple hours, unless he is working. The last couple of days he has been less attentive to my calls txts etc. I know he loves me. Just with the distance I don't know how to hold close to me when he doesn't call or txt as much. I immediatly go into panic mode, of what is wrong why isn't he talking to me as much, what is he doing. By doing don't think he's cheating or anything, just feel like losing the connection.

Now keep in mind. I do have insecurity issues, but never to the extent I do with this LDR, which I have never been in before and I don't like it AT ALL! And the worst can be when I bring up to him, not attacking or fighting just questioning. But, I know deep down, these things will drive him away and bee sick of my constant neediness. Again, I have never been this bad, it's just I'm not gonna see him tomorrow or the next day or the next week. Where that would make such a difference.

So, once again here I am today, wondering does he feel differently? Also, I have anxiety and panic issues. so I immediately go into the mind racing negative thoughts.

sorry to ramble on and on and on.... Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Moon]

You don't mention how long you've been in this relationship, but as it continues its natural progression, that constant need for contact slows down a bit, once you're settled in. If everything feels OK and normal when you are talking, then you can assume everything is alright, LDR's can be hard because you still need to find a way to continue living your life as normally as you can, while maintaining the relationship. Sometimes you've just gotta get things done, and communication levels can dip a little, or even a lot, from time to time. Its no big deal, unless you make it into one, and regardless of your insecurity, your boyfriend probably has other things he needs to concentrate on sometimes.

[Mara]

I understand what you mean about the wondering what he's doing thing. I think that's somewhat normal in a long distance relationship. You don't have the luxury of seeing that person everyday or even once a week so really all you have the majority of the time is just your communication with them and you do get used to talking to your SO a certain amount of time and if things change a bit it's easy to go into that what are they doing, are they losing interest in me, etc. mode.

I used to be ms. insecurity, but with a lot of work and self control I've come a long way. You just have to have trust in your SO and in your relationship. Trust in the love you have for each other. A big thing that has really helped me is not allowing myself to think negatively when I know I'm just being insecure. I'll completely cut that train of thought off and tell myself that I'm just being insecure. A lot of times I'll busy myself doing something else or thinking about something else just so I won't let that train of thought continue and run away with itself because that's how it always go. It starts small, but then before you know it you feel horrible about everything.

Also, have you talked to your SO about your insecurity issues and even your anxiety and panic issues? It's always good to be open with your partner and let him know how you are feeling. You aren't in this alone and when your partner knows you have these problems they can help you through them.

[LadyMarchHare]

While I agree with Moon, I want to add on that perhaps you should look into counseling or therapy. Not only for your relationship, but to help you with your anxiety and negative/hysterical thinking when you two are not in contact with one another. I'd say there might also be a dependency issue here, but seeing as we don't know how long you've been together it could just be the newness of a LD relationship and not knowing how to handle it beyond constant contact. Either way I think a counselor would do you good in the long run as there are ways to monitor and change your thinking as well as the anxiety without resorting to any medication.

Also, communication of feelings is a must in any relationship. If you're worried he's going to get tired of your neediness, tell him this and ask him to either be patient or let you know when it's getting too much for him and you guys can end the conversation for right then so you can calm down and resume when you feel more in control. Ask him to be patient with you, that you don't want to think these negative things or feel anxious about him or the relationship and that you need his support in order to start to change all that. If he's worth his salt he'll understand and try helping you.

[Zephii]

Hey

Basically it comes down to self control. You have to be able to ask yourself "Am I being reasonable? Am I being silly?". Sometimes it helps to set rules for yourself, for example: Don't call him in work hours unless somebody died or his house is on fire. People can lose their jobs by not being focused enough - let him call you. And don't exceed three txt messages unless he's pushing the conversation.
Basically, when he's at work and you know it, you have to learn to respect that and leave him alone. Giving him space at work makes him desire more contact with you at times when he has time to give you his full attention. Having that break in communication is actually healthy for your relationship. If you really must feel like you're in contact with him, write to him a letter during the day and at the end of the week post them.

You can drive people away if you're too needy, let him come to you a bit more often.

When you start wondering "Where is he? Why isn't he talking to me?" Answer yourself calmly and logically. "Hmm well it's (for example) 11am on a monday, he's probably still sorting paperwork that came in over the weekend" or "He's earning money for our fututre." If he's not at work, remember what he may have said in previous conversations about what he was going to be doing or again look at the time. People are often creatures of routine. Come up with an answer that puts your mind at rest, and don't give into the panic. Self-talk is very useful for people with anxiety disorders.

Hope this is somewhat useful. I'm uncaffinated, so it may not be.

[LeilaniJoi]

The biggest lesson we have learned is not to assume the worse if there is a stretch of time that you are not in contact. That and to continue a life outside of the relationship.. it helps keep you sane. I have my work and he has his things there, and even though we are in pretty close contact it's not a big deal if a few hours or even a day goes past without us having that contact. I know he's there and a phone call or text away and that helps but end of the day you have to trust probably more in an LDR than you would in a normal, close by relationship.

[ioanna]

hey there!
Welcome to LFAD

i agree with everything that's already been said; it is really good advice.

keeping yourself busy when he is really helps getting your mind off the fact that you are not in contact; it's what works best for me

[adrian]

Thank you all so much for the quick resonses and great advice.

About our relationship we have been LDR for 8 months.

Also, I do go to therapy for my anxiety and panic issues. My boyfriend is well aware of all my issues and is very kind and understanding. He always helps me thru the rough days when I have certain tasks I have to do that will trigger my panic.

I also, am very upfront with him, about my worries. Last night I asked him about not contacting as much. But, i also made it very clear I was not complaining I was more concerned something was bothering him. because, he has told me before when he has worries he tries not to tell me things because I have so much on my plate and doesn't wanna make my anxiety/panic worse. Everything was fine thru our conversation and we talked this morning.

Also, I do not bother him at work. He sometimes doens't have phone and I have told him I do not expect him to reply while working.

I know I really need to get a grasp on the positive self talk. I know he loves me, I know we both want the same thing which is to be together. he is planning on moving to me. I have children and cannot move to him. So, why do I get all worked up, it's the whole need to give myself mor positive talk and not the negative.

Thanks again all, sometimes just talking about it and hearing others helps.

[LadyMarchHare]

I have anxiety issues myself so I know how it feels to freak out over nothing or imagine a huge tragedy if contact is not as constant as you're used to. I'm glad your guy is understanding and is willing to help you, but he needs to practice a bit of his own preaching and not hide things from you, especially if they affect him so much it ends up affecting you too. It's better to be insanely open to one another than closed off. The positive self talk will come with time and hard work, and it always helps to have support whether it's from your guy or complete strangers. Any support is better than none.

[adrian]

Thanks again, for the dose of reality. And yes he does need to practice what he preaches, I love the fact he wants to protect me, but told him he needs to include me.

nice to see I'm not the only one with the anxiety freak outs. Also, plays a part I have lost my job because of my problems, so I am alone a lot. More mind time. And did I mention how many people he has told he wants to marry and like I said he is making big move to me. Yep, need that positive talk, hello didn't fall out of love with me in a day.

Feel much better and just got a quick call from him, did I mention love his voice. awwweee