So frustrated! :(

[Stina83]

Hey guys!
So lately things have been looking up with my bf. For those of you who don't know me, I live in Denmark and he lives in the States and we've been LD for about a year and a half now, but we've known each other since we were both 16 when we dated for 8 months while I was going to high school there.
Anyways, my bf and I have been planning on moving to Sweden together and live there for a while, then move to Denmark together. That would require us to get married and we talked about that too. I've been the one to bring these things up to him first, bc I've struggled a lot with the distance, and it sounded like he was good with that from our conversations about it. Like several times he's been like "Yeah, just let me know when you get an apartment there, and I'm hopping on a plane" and things like that. So I've put a lot of thought and effort into actually figuring out how to do this legally, like reading online, asking people and getting some legal advice. Then last night I told him that I think I have things figured out now, and I should be able to move to Sweden this summer (August) and then he could join me. All of a sudden he just completely pulled back and tried to avoid the topic. Later in the conversation I finally got out of him that he isn't ready after all.
We had a huge argument last night and I almost ended it. I realized that this entire planning thing has been a one-way thing, guess I should've realized that before huh.. I just feel so foolish and hurt, and I don't know what to do.
I love my bf and he keeps saying that he wants this, and he'll do 'what he has to do' for me to stay. I'm not going to force him into this though, and to me it just sounds like he's not committed to the 'real' thing.

Don't know what to do guys, hope to get some advice..

[Miramaid]

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[Dziubka]

I'm so sorry for you
Finding a way to finally end the distance only to realize that it was all for nothing and nothing's going to happen is heartbreaking.
He probably didn't realize what would come with moving, getting married, living in another county (on another continent!) before you made it so concrete and tangible. The abstract idea of living with you was fine with him, but now that it's actually becoming real it's a whole different thing.
It's also a very uncomfortable feeling that if he does this, he'd be doing it for you ("'what he has to do' for me to stay."). He should be wanting to do this just as much as you.
I don't really know if I have any real advice. It seems (TO ME - and I may very well be totally mistaken!) taking into consideration what you wrote about his family situation before, that he isn't at a point in life, where he is independent enough - and don't know, how to expess that, mature is most definitely the wrong word, but like far enough in life?- to make such a big step. Some people probably never are (I can't picture my brother moving away from our hometown/-region EVER, not to somewhere else in Germany and most definitely not to another country!).
As I said I may be completely wrong with this and I don't know your SO at all, so this is just based on what you wrote, so there's obviously a lot more to the picture.

Anyway, I guess you have to decide whether you can wait for him to be ready. If you decide you can't it doesn't mean that you don't love him with all your heart. I'm convinced that sometimes, even though two people are perfect for each other and love each other a lot, the circumstances can be wrong...

[Mara]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to be going along thinking your SO was all aboard with something only to find out they really aren't. Now, I think the most important question here is why isn't he "ready"? Is it that he isn't ready to move to another country? He isn't ready to marry you? Isn't ready to live together? What part of it that is exactly the problem because I think that depends a lot on how you precede.

[Stina83]

Thank you for you responses girls. Yeah, I'm pretty heartbroken right now, and I still don't know what to do.
I think you, Dziubka, have some very good points here. I know that my bf isn't as 'mature' I guess as I am. In many ways he seems younger than he is. That's in part one of the things that I also love about him, because we always have so much fun together. But in other ways that just doesn't work for me. Like when it comes to taking responsibility for his life. I think you're totally right that he liked the abstract idea of this whole thing, but when it gets too real, he backs off. And now, whatever he says or does from here, I will always feel like he's doing it for me, or to keep me around. And yes, that certainly is a very uncomfortable feeling. Even though there are more things to the picture obviously, like the fact that I think he really wants to be ready, I think I'm finally realizing that we are at two different stages in our lives right now.
It sucks, because I love this man so much, I feel like he's the one, and I desperately want to spend the rest of my life with him. But you're so right.. sometimes that's just not enough, and I suppose I have some thinking to do here

[Stina83]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to be going along thinking your SO was all aboard with something only to find out they really aren't. Now, I think the most important question here is why isn't he "ready"? Is it that he isn't ready to move to another country? He isn't ready to marry you? Isn't ready to live together? What part of it that is exactly the problem because I think that depends a lot on how you precede.

I actually asked him exactly that question. It was hard to get a straight answer out of him, because he changed his mind a bit. But basically my impression is that he's not ready to marry me and he's not ready to move to another country. He's ready to live together though. But I feel like it has to be on his terms. Like if I hopped on a plane right now and moved to America, he would be all for moving in together. It seems like he really wants this relationship, but he's not ready to make any sacrifices/compromises to make it happen. So, (which is the way it's been in our entire relationship, I realize that now) I'm the one who has to plan, take the next step and compromise to be with him the most. I've come up with excuses for him too much, like because he doesn't have too much vacation time, I have to go to the States every time to see him etc. It's like he just expects things to happen for him. I definitely understand that he's not ready to move to another country. That's a huge step, and for someone who's barely been out of the country or state for that matter, I see where he's coming from, and it takes a while to wrap your head around that. But it hurts me so much that he's not ready to marry me. Because that's exactly what makes me feel like I'm not the one for him. You know? Or am I overreacting?

[Mara]

Even though relationships are supposed to be 50/50, I think one person is almost always making more sacrifices and compromises than the other person. Take long distance relationships for an example, in some, both parties move, but in others, one person moves their entire life when their partner is staying in the same place. I think as long as he is making some compromises and sacrifices it's okay, but you shouldn't be making any sacrifices you aren't comfortable with making and you shouldn't be doing all of the compromising.

As for getting married, it does take more than knowing or feeling that someone is the one for you to be ready to marry them. I love my SO very much and in my eyes, he is the man I want to marry and the man I will marry. Just not tomorrow or the next day. We aren't ready now though we hope to be in the near future, but even that isn't a guarantee you know? I think as long as he wants to marry you someday, I wouldn't be upset about him not being ready to marry you in the near future though I can understand how you feel.

I do think you have some thinking to do and some decisions to make, but while making these decisions I think it would be good to talk to your SO and see if the two of you could come out with some sort of compromise that both of you would be happy about. Would you be willing to move to the states for a short period of time at first maybe?

[Stina83]

Thank you for your advice Mara. I really appreciate it.
Yeah I guess you're right about marriage. I think the reason why I'm so upset is because I'm so sick of the distance and I thought we both wanted this. Turns out we don't. And I do feel like I'm making the majority of the compromises here. I already spent a semester overthere to be close to him, he's been in DK once while we've been together, and I have made the rest of the trips. I'm always the one to bring up conversations about the future too. He never does.
Another factor added to all this is that like 5 years ago, when he was with his ex that he dated for maybe a year, he bought her a ring and wanted to propose to her. She ended up breaking up with him before that though, but it still hurts to think about the fact that he was apparently ready to commit to someone else before me. Just not me. It's not even a matter of jealousy, it's more that I'm thinking that he has been ready to commit before, so is this even right for him, when he can't now?
I can't move to the States bc I'm in school and I need to finish that first. After that, I can't even do it then, bc I got a visa before to go to school there, so I won't be able to get a new one until 2 yrs after that. Also, in order for me to move to the States, we'd still have to get married. We're an international couple, so marriage is something we'll have to do in order to be together permanently.

[Mara]

Is there a specific reason why he feels he isn't ready? Maybe he wants to become more financially stable etc? I do think, especially in a long distance relationship, that both people have to be on the same page and if you aren't the only thing that is going to fix that is communication and compromise. Talk with him, ask him if he has a rough idea of when he would be ready to move/get married, and see if that is something that you could live with.

It also sounds like you aren't comfortable with making the majority of the trips and if you aren't, you should talk with your SO about that as well. There's no reason that things couldn't be, at least, a little more balanced. And you say you bring up the conversations about the future, but when the two of you talk about the future does he seem happy, eager, and generally, does it seem like he does see a definite future with you?

[LotusWing]

Hej Stina,

Jeg har lyst at skrive på dansk, men måske er det bedre at skrive engelsk herinde...

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.
Have you thought about moving to the State or him moving to Denmark?

You mentioned about the commitment. Maybe he's afraid to experience it again, and doesn't want to get hurt. But try to talk to him about him and see if you two can find a way to close the distance.

My fiance and I had a long talk about it too. I agreed that I'm going to move to the State, and we would start the K1 last year in September-October, but we haven't started the K1 yet because he needs a co-sponsor. He is still looking for one, which makes me sad because I hate the waiting! I'm tired of the distance... so I suggested him to move to Denmark instead, but it didn't turn out well because he doesn't like Denmark. I agree with him that Denmark is a boring country (compare to the US), everything is expensive here in Denmark, I don't have family or friends here in Denmark (well I have sisters but they have their own life to worry about) and then the people in Denmark aren't so nice like in the State.
Every time I'm in the State, I feel very comfy because there are lots of people with different background (ethnic) and languages (Korean, Vietnamese, Chinese etc. Just being around Asians makes me feel very comfy). The people in the US don't stare at me and point at me when I go shopping or just walking around. I hate it when people say "look how small she is" (I know I'm small, I'm Asian!), and then most of the time I hear kids tell their parents and even pointed at me "look dad/mom, that's a chinese". It sound so stupid in Danish "se far/mor, det er en kineser". I'm a Vietnamese, not Chinese!!! Anyway... sorry

Well, yeah... try to talk to your bf about it and try not to push him too much. It seems like men doesn't like that.
Jeg ønsker dig held og lykke!!

[Stina83]

Mara: Well yeah, every time I've talked to him about the future, he has seemed eager and excited about it. But then, as I see now, when it comes down to it, he doesn't want to after all. I don't know. I'm going to talk to him tonight online, and I hope we can figure something out together. But we'll see. I know I can't deal with the distance for that much longer, it's just mentally draining for me, especially if I don't have some sort of time frame of when we can close the distance. I'm not sure why he wants to wait. He just said that he was scared.. hopefully I can get a better answer out of him tonight. And yeah, I guess I'm not comfortable with me making all the trips. It's not so much that I mind making the trips, I love the States and I love to visit there, it's more the fact that I mind making all the efforts you know.. when it comes to trips or whatever it is. Makes me feel stupid. But yeah guess we'll see what happens tonight. I'll definitely keep you posted though, I really appreciate your responses.

[Stina83]

LotusWing: Thank you for your feedback! Well, yeah the whole moving thing we pretty much decided that he was going to move to DK first and then maybe later I will move to the States. So it's not even like we've said, we'll be in DK forever. And it's not possible for either of us to just move to the other one's country without being married or at least planning to get married. Either way, I'm still in school so can't move anywhere right now. And I thought he was fine with that.
That's a good point about maybe he's afraid to get hurt again.. I don't think that's it, but I will definitely ask him about that.
That's really exciting that you're moving to the States! Where in the States are you moving? Are you done with school and all that? Yeah, America is a great country, I love the diversity too, and I can definitely understand where you're coming from, nobody likes to be stared at or anything like that. I'm actually surprised that you are experiencing that in DK. It really shouldn't be that way, and it's just ridiculous.

[LotusWing]

When he moves to DK then he has to start all over, and when you two move to the States then both of you have to start all over. Maybe it is better to decide a permanent place? Like you said it's not possible just to move to one's country without being married, so maybe you two should talk more about the future?
It's difficult to plan if you're still studying. I hope you two find a way to close the distance.
I'm going to the State Georgia. I finished my school in 2007 as Market Economist (markedsføringsøkonom), and I haven't found a job that relates to my job since then. I'm tired with studying, so all I'm doing at the moment is work and wait for my fiance to apply the K1.
Maybe it will be a good idea to talk to him about the commitment. Just tell him that you are not like that ex. You won't hurt him cause all you want is to be with him, forever. He shouldn't mix his past with the present.

[Mara]

I hope tonight you and him are able to talk through things and you can get a better idea of how to precede. I understand what you mean about the distance, we're closing it in December and I seem to be managing better now, but I think it's only because I have a date to look forward to. If I didn't, I definitely don't think I could handle the distance as well or maybe at all. If he really is just scared and that's the only thing keeping him from moving there and marrying you, well he has to face that fear. It's not as easy as it sounds, but we can't live in fear, we have to live by what we want.

[Engel]

(I can't picture my brother moving away from our hometown/-region EVER, not to somewhere else in Germany and most definitely not to another country!).

that. some people just would never EVER leave their land, their hometown even. just for vacations, but never to live somewhere else. they think they would, or like to think they would, but when confronted with a real life situation when they would be about to do that, they just dont. they step back and stay where is "safe", the place they know.



btw, off toppic, what part of germany are you and your brother from? i live near by karlsruhe, and i just love everything about the region, unless i have a really good reason to move from where i live (good job opportunity in another part of germany for me or my SO for example), i dont plan to be going anywhere else.