How do you deal with ex's?

[LeilaniJoi]

Scenario is that I'm at a distance, she's close by. The last time they talked there was a big fight and blowup so there's been no contact for a few weeks. Today he tells me that she sent him a text last night saying how cute he and I looked in a photo he had posted on facebook and being very civil and nice.

Ok I know at face value this isn't a big deal, I still talk to my ex and we are civil but I'm having a hard time coping with this. She's 2 hours away.. I'm 12. I trust him and know that if she was going to be an issue there's nothing I can do about it but still.. do you ever just want to reach across the miles and smack someone for being.. nice? If I were closer I dont think it would bother me as much as it's bothering me now. Could really use some input or a grounding talk here.. I'm not due back there until this Friday and I got a feeling it's going to be a very very long week

[Heather]

Well how does he feel about you being civil with your ex? I don't think it's anything to worry about her being 2 hours away, after all she is an EX for a reason. If you trust him, give it the benefit of the doubt I guess. I wouldn't worry or stress to much about it. Just look forward to your visit with him and relax(as much as possible).

*hugs* stay positive and keep your chin up.

[Rane]

I think it's perfectly fair to be okay with your SO and his ex being friends, but to not be happy about it. :O Even if you trust him and know nothing would ever happen, there's still history there, and that's reason enough to not be all chipper about it. In my personal opinion. :P

[LadyMarchHare]

My thought on that is: they're the EX for a reason. She could live next door and so long as your guy no longer holds a romantic interest in her, then the only thing you have to fret is if she decides to become one of those crazy EX's.

My guy stayed friends with one of his ex girlfriends, in fact they were best friends, and I even became friends with her before we were dating. I learned that even though they had been LD too they'd done stuff over webcam and to me it wasn't an issue because that was before me and frankly it's his body. I was concerned when I learned she never got over him and in fact that created a huge incident a month later, but that was her fault, not his. His interest in her died a long time ago and he tried keeping it civil because she was essentially a nice person even if romantically she did nothing for him.

I'm not saying you need to make friends with her or even make any contact with her because she's not in your life or past, just like your boyfriend doesn't have to like or be friends with your ex. People say they trust their SOs yet the issue always comes back to trust because some believe the ex will seduce the SO and it's basically they're not trusting their SO to tell the ex to knock the crap off. Is that the case with you? I dunno, it's merely an observation since it comes up quite frequently in regards to the "holy crap they still talk to their ex" subject.

[LeilaniJoi]

You know, that's exactly the kinds of responses I needed to get my head straigtht about it. I do trust him to stop any advances.. I trust him explicitly. My ex and I are friends and I have never been the kind to tell a boyfriend that they were not allowed to do something, even something like corresponding with an ex. I figure if they are going to leave me and go back to them then there's not much I can do about it. I don't know, it just hit me at a time I'm -really- missing him and needing him close I guess. Talking by phone or skype or whatever only goes so far but we will survive it. I actually feel like we are about the same with our ex's.. He knows I talk to mine and he's had his own little moments of angst about it. I honestly have no problem with him talking to his ex as long as that's all it is and while that might not be her choice, it is his so we're ok. I know he loves me completely and we are already making plans for a future together. It was just one of those.. gggrrrr moments I guess.

Thank you so much.. just exactly what I needed to hear. Friday night I will be there in his arms again and if it was an hour from now it wouldn't be too soon.

[Rugger]

I have a problem with ex's too normally. But my boyfriend doesn't really have any serious exes. The only one he has is actually a close friend of mine and they barley dated.

Exes are exes for a reason, as long as he doesn't have feelings for her, you have no reason to worry.

[LolLuna]

I've only had that problem once. When I met Sol, he was head over heels in love with this girl. But a week after knowing him, they broke up. after we had been dating a few months, she popped up on facebook. I was a little worried because I was having flash backs of when he was with her. I felt plain to her blond hair and C cups xD

I just talked it over with him and asked for their story. when he told me why the broke up, it removed any doubt from my mind. the only advice i can give it talk it over with your SO.

[DollOnAMusicBox]

I'm not usually too bad with ex's but there is this one girl in my boyfriends life who makes me very uncomfortable. She lives near my boyfriend...his family was pushing for them to be together when he and I just started going out, because she was close by. She tried to take advantage of that as well, but thats a different story. I feel like you should talk to your boyfriend about it, he'll be the one to comfort you most of all. Be very clear that its not him you're worried about. I've bluntly told my boyfriend "I trust you but I think she's a troll." And we are actually able to joke about it now. Then again, he's not comfortable with my ex either.

[blankita719]

I may have posted about this in another thread, but I have a completely different take on my SO's ex. We're actually friends. She and I grew up together and she was my best friend through elementary school to high school. I met him through her (long after they had already split up), and she actually initially encouraged us to talk to each other when I met him 14 years ago. She did get jealous at the time and we did stop being friends for awhile afterwards, but eventually we became friends again. We aren't as close as we once were, but I have no issues or worries about jealousy. They have a child together, so it's in all of our best interests to get along. They also haven't been together for 15 years, and she is married with a few more children now. Now we probably won't be going on vacations together because she and my SO aren't quite that friendly, but for the most part it works for us.

My SO has never met my ex, and doesn't want to, but that's for very different reasons. My ex isn't involved in our son's life, so there is no opportunity for this to become a problem.

[Dauntedpoet]

Your SO's Ex's can't hurt your relationship. Not trusting him will. If he was going to cheat, he would cheat so the damage to your relationship would already be there. (did that make sense?)

Ian and I just talk about everything. I have said.. "I know nothing's going to happen, but I felt weird and sort of worried, I don't even know what about, but something made me feel 'off' when you told me J text you the other day. Like this flash of panic." and we've discussed it all the way through. He knows I'm not 'hinting' at anything or trying to manipulate his behavior.. I am just being honest. He always goes out of his way to make sure there are no worries between us. He will do the same with me but he uses humour, but we still talk it out so there are no worries. Its not always easy.. but it has worked for us for a very long time.

[nicole]

With my SO, I've never had a problem with his ex's, but they've had a problem with me. For the first 6 months of our relationship, one of them, who he'd stayed good friends with, was constantly trying to make him break up with me to go back to her. I didn't know about this till he told me pretty late on. And at the time, I didn't know she was an ex. I was sad at the time, because I could see he was suffering and losing a friend. She, on the other hand was telling him that I was forcing him not to be friends with her, I was ecstatic they were fighting and I was some crazy, controlling bitch. I had never met this girl or even knew of her existence till recently. She deleted him off of facebook and stopped calling when we became "official". Now I will never say this to him, but I am glad they aren't friends anymore, it would have caused so much drama, and I could never be friends with someone like that. I hope I never meet her in person though, I will get slapped for sure

His OTHER ex, still tries to call him and invite him on road trips. WTF WOMAN?? As soon as she heard he was dating "a british chick" she called him, and asked if he could "understand what I was saying" because she had a british roommate in college and she couldn't understand a word he said. My SO knew her in college. She had no british roommate... She happened to be at a bar we were at once, came over, didn't acknowledge my presence and started inviting him on a trip to Chicago.... crazy crazy girl.

So yeah, ex's are only a problem for me if they are actively trying to break us up. And even then, I know my SO is not the problem, it's them. How I deal with it? I don't get clingy and ban him from seeing them. I voice my concern, then let him make his own decision on how to deal with the situation. If I start trying to control him and dictate who he sees, then that makes me as bad as them, and I too would soon be in the "crazy-ex" category too.