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**vpavelock** · March 13, 2011, 11:12 PM

Definitely talk to him and ask him if there's anything to be worried about, you should be able to tell from the tone in his voice. I hope everything works out!

**Rach321** · March 13, 2011, 11:14 PM

Something's probably up, but it might not be anything to do with your relationship. He could be really having a hard time with work or something else that's affecting the amount of energy he has to give to you.

Ask him about it, but try to ask out of concern and not out of jealousy. I know it's hard to do, but it's better not to jump to conclusions when there isn't much evidence to substantiate them!

**bmw96mom** · March 13, 2011, 11:15 PM

Thank you!! I figured talking to him was my first step. Until then, any suggestions on how to stop being "that girl"?

**Rach321** · March 13, 2011, 11:17 PM

How to stop being "that girl" is harder... but it really just takes a decision on your part to not let your mind go to those negative places. I've found that writing out how I'm feeling, putting it down for awhile, and coming back to it later can help me to realize if I'm overreacting or what I really want to say to him. Also, keep yourself busy! That always helps.

**bmw96mom** · March 13, 2011, 11:18 PM

"Ask him about it, but try to ask out of concern and not out of jealousy"..... that is exactly what I need to do. I have a tendancy to throw up a wall when I feel something could be up, as a way to try to protect myself. You'd think I would have learned from my mistakes in the past. Building walls never helps. At least I have some time to collect my thoughts before I talk to him....

**LadyMarchHare** · March 14, 2011, 12:17 AM

As I've heard it said, "if it's worth worrying over, it's worth discussing." Just be honest and upfront that you're concerned something's wrong, but be general and vague so that you're not sounding like you've assumed anything in particular, regardless of whether it's the truth or not.

As for the negativity and the emotional distancing, maybe look into something called "cognitive thinking." It's basically a way to help control your thoughts so that you can make them more positive and you don't spiral down that "what-if" toilet. It takes some work, but if you're determined enough it works. Those of us who get hurt or fear hurt will shy away from others when we think something's up, but in the end it only makes matters worse. Life's a balance of good and bad. If we try and get rid of the bad by surrounding ourselves with steel walls, how are we going to appreciate the good, much less let it in?

**bmw96mom** · March 14, 2011, 08:22 AM

[QUOTE LadyMarchhare: Life's a balance of good and bad. If we try and get rid of the bad by surrounding ourselves with steel walls, how are we going to appreciate the good, much less let it in?[/QUOTE]

Wow. You are absolutely right! Thank you.

**LeilaniJoi** · March 14, 2011, 09:21 AM

Welcome to the board

definitely everything that has been said. I worry about being 'that girl' too and have learned to just say 'hey i need to talk this out'. That is so much better than letting yourself wallow in negativity about something that might not even be an issue. This forum has helped me a ton and i'm so thankful i found it.. you guys are the bestest

**MarineGirlfriend1022** · March 14, 2011, 09:28 AM

Hello from another Military LDR-er. That gut feeling is nothing to be ignored. I've come to rely on them. My boyfriend (god bless is thick headed soul) is famous for not wanting to talk when there is a problem or when he is feeling over whelmed with all this because he doesn't want to hurt me. So he ends up shutting down and letting the pain over take him and its that gut feeling that I get every single time that tells me hes not ok and we need to talk. and it never fails, we talk....we go back and forth on if this is worth is....and we leave the conversation stronger, and with a huge weight off our shoulders.
Your a mommy and your gut is stronger than any ones. Talk to him

**Micah** · March 14, 2011, 11:25 AM

I find that sometimes my boyfriend will become quiet if something at work or something outside of us is bothering him. All I do is ask if everything's okay. He either talks to me about it or says everything's okay. I don't push it. I am sure if you just show him you're curious about how he is generally then you won't be "that girl." If he says nothing is wrong, then take it as nothing is wrong. Don't press the issue. It's always disheartening when there is a lull in communication, but I have found usually that there's nothing to worry about.

It is easy to be paranoid and worry when you are so far away and you cannot see your SO. You can come up with a lot of different scenarios in your mind. I went through that a lot at first, but as time has went on, I have gotten better about it. I hope you are able to talk to him and put your mind at ease.

**bmw96mom** · March 14, 2011, 11:33 PM

Ok so my SO called today, like he said he would. He is very overwhelmed with a recent death at work and his ex is being, well you know.

He doesn't know when he'll see his kids or me again, could be a year... when he gets back from deployment. He's depressed and still working on some issues. Him and I as a couple are fine. I expressed my concerns and he said that he understands but doesn't know what he can do from so far away. Sometimes I feel that he shuts down and that's tough. I know from experience that most military members do that as a way to desensitize themselves before deployment. My ex husband used to take classes on that.
Anyway, we ended the conversation telling eachother that we are here (in a sense of the word) and that we want to be a part of eachother's lives. I love this man and thought the LDR would be a lot easier. Trying to take it one day at a time. Sigh
Thank you for all the support. I am so glad I am a part of this community.

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