I need opinions.

[Emma-Louise]

So.. I've mentioned before about the Debs (the Irish version of a Prom) and how my oldest friend (who is a guy) is more than likely taking me. And my SO, although I suppose he has a right to, is gone freaking insane over this. He thinks I'm choosing my friend over him.

My friend and I do have a history, we've been friends since we were 5 and now, almost 17 and he's 18, we've grown up together and we did 'go out' for about 3 months, but it didn't work out because he's practically family. He's currently single and for his debs he was going to bring me, as a friend, since they're no one he likes and he's focusing on exams at the moment so girl hunting isn't in his mind. So we'd be going to this dance, as FRIENDS, and with a huge bunch of people. My boyfriend is REALLY upset over this and we're barely talking. I'd like to fix it and say I won't go. But that would mean turning down my best friend, his family, and even my parents would blow a fuse.

I want to understand where my boyfriend is coming from, and why's he's so upset, but it's one night. One night where I'm just going to be hanging out with some friends, just in a fancy setting.

Am I wrong to go..? Should I not go...?

[KatyCakes10]

I don't think you shouldn't go. But have you put yourself in your SO's place? I can see why he's upset. This friend is there while he's not. I would go but I wouldn't have anyone else taking me, I would go with friends as a group. Good luck!

[Rach321]

If I were in your position, I would go, but I don't think my SO would be that upset about it, so it's hard for me to give advice.

My SO and I both have opposite sex friends, and we don't get especially jealous when we hang out with them. Even when we feel somewhat jealous, we trust each other not to cross any lines. I know it's not the same for everyone. Does your boyfriend know the friend who wants to take you to Debs? Could the three of you talk about it together so your friend can tell him directly that it's not a real "date"?

[Far_Away_So_Close]

I can totally understand why your SO is upset. Frankly, I would react the same way. Think about it. You're basically in a classical date setting, with a single guy who's technically your ex, in a fancy alluding atmosphere. I don't know if I can advise you not to go, but I can tell you that my first rule about relationships, long distance or not, is that I don't do anything (in regards to other men, that is) I would not like my SO to see me doing, or would not like him doing to me - even if he's not there. What I don't undestand is why would this guy's parents and your family care about this, and why are they involved in the first place. I should think that people your age are old enough to pick their own escorts, without help from Mommy and Daddy.

[LadyMarchHare]

The only basis for being understandably upset would be if there was even a slight chance something was going to happen between you and this friend. But, as you've stated, he's more like family to you, aka a brother or cousin. Unless you like the idea of incest I doubt you'd even be entertaining the thought.

People go to proms with their friends all the time, so what's the big hold up if said friend is of the opposite sex? Last time I checked, guys and girls could be JUST FRIENDS. On some level your SO has a right to be angry as it's a classical jealousy situation muddled with the blow he can't be the one to take you, but really that's about it. If you've tried explaining the situation more in depth to reason with him and he's still pitching a bitch tent, well that's basically on him. Don't compromise a good time for his antics, you'll end up resenting him for it. Chances are he'd feel guilty about it if you didn't go, too. Trust is key and he needs to go buy some.

[Far_Away_So_Close]

Last time I checked, guys and girls could be JUST FRIENDS.

Last time I checked, the only way they could is if they both found the other sexually unattractive.

[erinewelsh]

I think it might help if your friend spoke to your SO. Do they/have they ever spoken? Having them speak might help quell some of your SO's concerns and help him see that it's really just a friendship. There also might be some jealousy in that he wants to be the one to take you to things like that, and it may hurt to see "his girl" do things with other men that he feels you should be doing with him. Good luck!

[Rach321]

Last time I checked, the only way they could is if they both found the other sexually unattractive.

Ummm- she said that she feels like he's her sibling, so I would say that she probably doesn't see him in a sexual way... But it's not true that you can't be friends with someone if you find them attractive. As long as you don't act on it, even with innocent flirting, it's doesn't have to go beyond the platonic.

[Trethsparr]

Last time I checked, the only way they could is if they both found the other sexually unattractive.

Admittedly, I agree with this. Your past time spent "going out" might also complicate this issue. Emma-Louise, as best as you can, try to put yourself in his place as you reassure him of the situation.

[LadyMarchHare]

Last time I checked, the only way they could is if they both found the other sexually unattractive.

I beg to differ. As it's already been pointed out, she only thinks of this guy as family and that was the reason their going out didn't work out. It's like dating your brother, essentially. I've had crushes on numerous guy friends over the years and I remained just friends with all of them. There's a line to be drawn between finding someone attractive in general and finding someone attractive to the point you try to pursue them. I don't see this situation turning out to be a problem regardless of the fact it is generally a time when couples do get together for a night of fun and dancing. He's her friend and that's it. Now if the guy pulls any stunts, that's entirely on the guy, not her. We can't control other people, just as her SO shouldn't be offhandedly trying to control her by throwing a hissy fit. It's one night, she deserves to have fun even if her 'date' is a friend and not her boyfriend.

Goodness gracious, why do so many folks believe it's impossible for those of the opposite sex to just be friends? Most of my friends through school were guys and while I may have liked some of them, a lot of them I thought of as only a friend and they thought the same of me. Attraction does not always have to be in the equation. I mean really, is gender THAT huge of a deal? Nobody says this crap about lesbians who have female friends or gay men who have male friends, so how come the heterosexual people get it? Not every human being is programmed to think "sex sex sex sex" every five seconds. Needless rant, but that's my view on the subject and I just feel it's ignorance that leads people to the idea that guys and girls can't be just friends and obviously have to want each other naked.

[Silencedsongs]

Basically... everything LadyMarchHare said.

[Trethsparr]

I beg to differ. As it's already been pointed out, she only thinks of this guy as family and that was the reason their going out didn't work out. It's like dating your brother, essentially. I've had crushes on numerous guy friends over the years and I remained just friends with all of them. There's a line to be drawn between finding someone attractive in general and finding someone attractive to the point you try to pursue them. I don't see this situation turning out to be a problem regardless of the fact it is generally a time when couples do get together for a night of fun and dancing. He's her friend and that's it. Now if the guy pulls any stunts, that's entirely on the guy, not her. We can't control other people, just as her SO shouldn't be offhandedly trying to control her by throwing a hissy fit. It's one night, she deserves to have fun even if her 'date' is a friend and not her boyfriend.

Goodness gracious, why do so many folks believe it's impossible for those of the opposite sex to just be friends? Most of my friends through school were guys and while I may have liked some of them, a lot of them I thought of as only a friend and they thought the same of me. Attraction does not always have to be in the equation. I mean really, is gender THAT huge of a deal? Nobody says this crap about lesbians who have female friends or gay men who have male friends, so how come the heterosexual people get it? Not every human being is programmed to think "sex sex sex sex" every five seconds. Needless rant, but that's my view on the subject and I just feel it's ignorance that leads people to the idea that guys and girls can't be just friends and obviously have to want each other naked.

Um... I certainly don't think that way. I was simply indicating, with my reply, that there's a possibility (if the OP's SO is aware of the previous short-term dating history of the OP) that the SO's OP might feel a little insecure about the OP going to an event that's traditionally thought of as a "couples" event (at least that's my association with the U.S. proms) with someone who's technically an ex. (At least, that was my thought upon reading her original post. I don't know what the SO's level of knowledge about the friend actually is.)

I believe the OP when she says that she didn't feel a romantic connection with her male friend, and I think that's perfectly legitimate that she would want to go to the event with her friend as "just friends." From the SO's perspective, though, depending on what he knows, he still may feel uncomfortable about it, whether it's a rational, thought-out feeling or gut-level reaction. That's something that could be clarified in follow-up conversations. My suggestion to the poster is for her to just ask what's at the heart of why he feels uncomfortable. Again, he just may wish that he could be taking her to the event instead.

If my response came across unclear, I apologize. I merely gave my response in an attempt to show consideration to the SO's possible feelings, as we have no way of knowing from this post that he deserves the label of "controlling."

[NaNi]

I felt uncomfortable with that sort of stuff, too.

My SO still went out and met her ex though.

I'm not sure if she would still do that since they haven't talked for quite some while now.

[sheraccoon]

I can see where your SO is coming from, because I've been in the same situation (not prom, but more like a social dance/waltz thing). I can waltz alright, but not to the degree that a lot of other people at that particular dance do. So my SO took a female friend of his instead. I wasn't very happy about it, but I like when he's out having fun dancing because he loves it, and he knew I wasn't happy about it either. But he did reason with me, and I know that once I improve I'll be able to go to more dances with him. This was when we were CD - it was pretty painful knowing that your SO was out spending time with another girl for 8 hours while you were at home alone. :/ But I went "screw this" and went out with another group of friends and had a lovely evening. Went home, fell asleep, and when the dance ended, my SO came back to me looking all adorable in his tuxedo. <3

Try rationalizing with your SO - your friend bringing you is really just a friend. Your SO needs to understand that you have a life too. You have other friends as well. I realize that I'm pretty darned tolerant with my SO, but I do let him know about my feelings sometimes. I feel like as long as you let your SO know what you're going to be doing, even if it means hanging out with someone of the opposite sex, it shouldn't lead to anything else. Your SO needs to be able to trust you, even though I know it's hard, talking about it can work though. I've talked to my SO countless times about this social dancing. It's still hard, but I'm learning how to deal with it. Plus I don't want him to decide to not go and then I'll feel guilty because I'm robbing him of something that he enjoys doing. I don't think he's trying to be controlling at all, but he's far away as it is, and you're going to be hanging out with other people, and he probably misses the fact that you're not around him / not available. Don't let him throwing a fit about you going to have fun with friends dictate your decision either.

You are NOT choosing your friend over him, it's a completely different situation. Your SO should know that. You're going to go out, have fun, and at the end, you're still going to go back to your SO. You're with him for a reason, not with your friend. Anyhows, I hope things work out for you! <3

[Silencedsongs]

I can understand and appreciate your SO being upset, but I don't think going crazy over the matter is helpful nor conducive to your relationship. He is in a position to where you're out of reach from him, and someone else is taking a place that he wants to be in... Okay, that sucks. However, he should still desire for you to enjoy yourself with friends, trusting that you would not betray him. If he does know the depth of your history with your 'date', then yes - you can reasonably expect he's not going to be thrilled. I don't think most people would be. But still, the past is the past, and it didn't go further for a reason.

Talk reasonably with your SO, and just reassure him of your affections and that you're going to be with a bunch of other people. This is not something you should miss out on, just because he's uncomfortable with it.

I often go off alone with male friends, and my SO is aware of it each time. Two of those friends, he knows about and that I trust them completely. I have been friends with them for years, and most of the time we go to a bar - have a couple of drinks, chat and see if we can get other friends to come out and leave. All of these friends know of my SO, as well. The one time a friend did betray my trust (pretty recently, sadly...) I debated telling my SO, but I did. He was pissed, but was glad I told him. I'll not be seeing that friend anymore, for his lack of respect.

You're being honest with him, when you could be hiding things. Go, have fun.