Any advice for telling the parents?

[Silencedsongs]

As pathetic as it sounds, I am afraid of confrontation with my parents.

Not particularly confrontation, but specifically disappointing them. It's childish, and I'm in my early twenties, I should not be having these same childish fears.

Not to mention, when The Frenchman comes to visit in May, I'll be staying with him. As I'm back in the household, I don't want to have to lie to them or disrespect them like that. Originally, I had fabricated a believable story for my absence. Except, I'm too old to be doing this.

Any advice on telling the parents about your SO... When you've only ever met online through a game? >.<

[snow_girl]

What are you scared of?

[Silencedsongs]

They do not typically accept things that fall outside the 'norm'. He is definitely outside the norm, and they will freak out convinced he's only using me somehow.

I can't really pinpoint exactly what I'm afraid of..

[DollOnAMusicBox]

I know how you feel! When my SO first met, I would tell family and friends about him, as a funny friend I knew...but when we got serious, the only person to know was my BFF, for quite a while. Even still my family doesn't understand. For me, the biggest fear isn't that they'll disown me or even be upset about the situation that I've chosen, its the fact that they don't even try to understand. And that they make ignorant comments without even thinking about it. They don't realize that telling me "I think you're in a LDR because you're afraid of commitment" actually hurts more than helps. After they met him things eased up a little.

I'm trying to convince them to let me go abroad to visit him this summer, and their closed mindedness is getting in the way. I'm 22, and I'm living with them. Often you find that its "my house, my rules" with parents and it doesn't matter if you're 22 or 12. Thats why they're even influential in such a decision at all. My family's always been pretty open and we respect each others opinions, but at the same time make our objections known. Like I said, its not the fact that they can punish or stop you, its more a feeling that they are going to be ignorant, and enjoy that ignorance. Or the fact that they won't recognize your relationship and then you feel like they don't respect your decisions as an adult...

It might be best to just say it, like ripping off a bandaid. I remember when I first broke it to my family, I explained that my SO and I had been pen pals for quite a long time, and that turned into a crush, which turned into "us" and then him wanting to visit. Maybe if you break it to them that way instead of saying you met on a game...you'd have a better chance of some understanding, and you'd avoid some of the eye rolling or comments. Good luck!

[Silencedsongs]

Typically, if I do something of this magnitude... I only tell them last minute, when they really cannot argue something because everything is already in motion.

I'm hoping that by telling them now, it will give it a chance for them to come to terms and accept it. He will be coming at the end of May.

@DollOnAMusicBox, thank you for that advice. I've actually started to practice what I'm going to say. ^.^; If I don't do it and get it over with, it's going to haunt my thoughts. Tomorrow, is dooms day.

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree that it is generally best to come out and say it as regardless of how you word it, if they're going to react badly they will. All you can really do is try and remain confident and to not show you're upset if they react negatively because if you give them that handle they'll run with it faster than a hooker without heels on. Perhaps suggest the option of meeting him in some form, whether it's phone, person, webcam, or anything else (though I do recommend running that idea by your guy first so it's not a surprise to him and so he's comfortable) to further give off the vibe of "I'm an adult, I'm not ashamed, this is what I am doing." Good luck though, I know how hard it is to tell your parents when you already know they won't react in your favor.

[kiara_silver]

I remeber when I told my mom, Me and my SO talked about it first and I told him im going to tell her today. Me and mom went out to have mother daughter time, i had told her i needed to talk to her, and i was so scared. I was debating with myself and I was going to forget it and not tell her. At the time i was 17 I had only been with my SO for 6 months, and we to had met on a game site. I was planning on chickening out and keeping quiet when i opened up our bible studies and the first word i read was his name. Omg it was like a sign! I almost started to cry, and i told her right there. I told her i needed to tell her something. That i met someone, and i really like him and want to continue seeing him. I told her it was online, and i told her im taking it slow. (i kind of didnt give the full depth of how much i had already felt for him) told her i want permission to keep talking to him and being with him. My mom appreciated the openess, i told her i want her to be involved if she wants, that she could talk to him as well. And she appreciated this, and it went well. Lol i remeber comming home and wanting to tell my SO but with our time dif it was already way late, but i came on and he had left me this looooooong message, he was up at like 4am worried about what happened and how he loved me, and i wanted to cry again. So it was scary telling mom but in the end its my life and im allowed to date who i want. (telling dad was a dif story lol, was easy at first then he got weird bout it later and now he avoids bringing it up or just makes comments)

[FadedSunrise]

Whatever you do, do NOT, I repeat DO NOT do what I did. If your parents are anything like mine, and they sound a lot like mine, they will freak like no tomorrow. What I did initially was simply tell them. Straight, to the point, and the that "we're seeing each other as bf/gf" Before they had known about him, but only to the point of him being an acquientance I knew. I...don't even want to remember what happened the week we were discussing this. Anytime they bring up anything that reminds me of him, even vaguely, such as other people with him name, his occupation, still makes me want to cringe inside and quickly change the subject. I cried my eyes out every night and felt like the world was over.

I...still haven't brought up the subject again. I'm hiding all communication to him-waking up early and pretending to be asleep, going to the library after school instead of coming home to talk to him, writing him letters and making sure to pay for shipment in cash. I'm terrified, I'm scarred, I'm not sure how I'm going to get out of this hole, frankly.

But yeah, the point is: If you have any inkling that they will react badly, do not underestimate their ability to do so. DO cushion the blow with some other things-such as that you're taking it slow and its not serious(even if it is), or that you've been friends for a long time. Better yet, start dropping hints first of just how good your friendship is(I don't quite remember if you said you've done this), and then later on say that you like him, and later later on say that you want to be in a relationship.

But of course if you have the courage to go ahead and do it the straight way, please do. I'm just one example of the straight way gone terribly wrong.

[LadyMarchHare]

Whatever you do, do NOT, I repeat DO NOT do what I did. If your parents are anything like mine, and they sound a lot like mine, they will freak like no tomorrow. What I did initially was simply tell them. Straight, to the point, and the that "we're seeing each other as bf/gf" Before they had known about him, but only to the point of him being an acquientance I knew. I...don't even want to remember what happened the week we were discussing this. Anytime they bring up anything that reminds me of him, even vaguely, such as other people with him name, his occupation, still makes me want to cringe inside and quickly change the subject. I cried my eyes out every night and felt like the world was over.

I...still haven't brought up the subject again. I'm hiding all communication to him-waking up early and pretending to be asleep, going to the library after school instead of coming home to talk to him, writing him letters and making sure to pay for shipment in cash. I'm terrified, I'm scarred, I'm not sure how I'm going to get out of this hole, frankly.

But yeah, the point is: If you have any inkling that they will react badly, do not underestimate their ability to do so. DO cushion the blow with some other things-such as that you're taking it slow and its not serious(even if it is), or that you've been friends for a long time. Better yet, start dropping hints first of just how good your friendship is(I don't quite remember if you said you've done this), and then later on say that you like him, and later later on say that you want to be in a relationship.

But of course if you have the courage to go ahead and do it the straight way, please do. I'm just one example of the straight way gone terribly wrong.

I had a similar reaction with my mother. I showed her a picture of him, told her I was dating him, and received a 20 minute lecture that had me in tears. In my case the only thing she didn't like was the racial difference, but she did ignore me for a few days and for months after had me walking on eggshells when it came to him. Thing is, time is pretty much the best balm for any burns. She got over it as much as she could and is neutral on the subject now.

Like I said there's really no way around a bad reaction if they're going to be against any element of the relationship whether it's race, age, distance, nationality, whatever. People will have their opinions and family seems more inclined to share said opinions regardless of whether you asked for them. It's just a matter of preparing yourself, taking the negativity with a grain of salt, and knowing that despite everything you're happy with your decision regarding your relationship.

[13000km]

I eased them into it unintentionally. When we first met, I was talking about "my American friend", talking about all the cool stuff that he was around that I'd always wanted to experience. They didn't think much about it then, but when I announced that I was going to see him in the US, they were surprised at how real this was. They didn't really want me to go but didn't do anything to stop me. They were very concerned about my meeting some stranger off the internet, so I let them see him on skype and email him (and his mum) just to get rid of their worries.

During that time, I refused to think I was in a relationship because I didn't believe I could have feelings for a man I have never met, and so denied when asked if there was anything going on between us. After the trip, they were aware that we shared a room for three weeks. I assured them that nothing happened between us physically, and even though I haven't told them about the relationship, I'm sure they have a more than a hint of what's going on. My dad even expects us to get married.

In my opinion, when dealing with parents, it's good to cushion the real news with something less drastic. Eg. There's this guy I'm interested in (instead of I'm seeing someone from the internet). As parents, they're entitled to their opinions, but somewhere along the line they have to understand that ultimately, who you want to be with is your decision to make. I hope things work out well for you!

[Silencedsongs]

*deep breath!* I feel like such a chicken right now, but I'm off to go tell them. x.x

[13000km]

All the best!
-crosses fingers for you/

[sheraccoon]

I still remember the day when I had to break the news to my parents. :| It... surprisingly went better than expected. My SO wanted to visit me last year in December, so I had to break the news whether I wanted to or not - since we have a guest room and it would be financially better for him to stay with a while. I guess the issue wasn't so much that I was dating someone, but more like "what he's coming to visit?!"

I think if parents are going to object, they'll object whether he's close distance or long distance. I haven't told my grandparents at all because I know I will be met with words and potential disowning. :O Still, they are your parents, and I'm sure a lot of people have told this to you, but they are entitled to their opinions. But it really is your decision to make. If they do object, don't let it put you down, because you have to be happy with your choices in your life. That's what my SO likes to tell me. In the end, you have to live with yourself, not with someone else. Be confident. Good luck!

[ErikaH]

All the best! I remember how nervous I was when telling my parents. Good luck!

[Pisces]

I hope all goes well for you.

As for what I'm doing, I don't know yet. I'm 19, living at college, and if I tell my parents and they really don't like it, they could cut my college funding if they wanted to. I would have nowhere to go, no money, and frankly, I'd be screwed. My SO has mentioned coming to live in Wisconsin while I'm at school, once he can afford the trip and find a good job. If he does do that, I'd have them meet in person then bring up the fact that we met online. Maybe then they'd realize he's not all that bad. But, who knows when that will happen. We don't have much of a plan right now, and plans always change. Like everyone else here has said, just be careful.