How do I know when to leave?

[forever11.11]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years but we have only been long distance since November. It's looking like he will be back (permanently) by the end of April... but I'm not sure if I even want to be in this relationship. I'm not sure if our problems have anything to do with being LDR, but hopefully you can help?? I am so distraught and confused about this. So here we go...

It's important to know that I'm 21 and he's 29 (and has 2 kids). We've been together since a few months after I graduated high school and I'm almost finished with my bachelors, so I've spent most of my college career with a boyfriend.

I love this man, I love him very much. I have to make that part clear. But he's suffocating me. He wants to Skype as often as possible, we text all day and night and jealousy issues have crept up and are getting worse and worse. We had a long talk the other day and I spelled all these things out for him, that I'm newly 21 and I want to live my life too, I just don't think he gets it. I'm also unsure if I feel like this because I miss him, or because I need time alone and out of a relationship, because we're growing apart, or because his behavior really is too much.

I just don't know what to do. I've started to talk about breaking up before and he just won't accept it, he swears up and down and sideways that he will fix it and give me space, but he never does. I've tried asking for a break, just a week or two of space while still being faithful, but he manages to change my mind there too. I can't imagine my life without him and I can see myself being with him forever just not right NOW! I am constantly snapping at him and getting annoyed with him, I don't even feel excited to talk to him anymore.

Also, his kids live here and I know he'll want to come back to FL either way, but he's moving into my a family friend's house making it even more complicated. If I decide to leave him I don't know if I should do it before he comes back or after? Or if I should wait for him to get home and give it a little while to see if it goes back to how it used to be?

Have any of you successfully taken a "break"? I feel like I need time to regroup so badly... I am just at such a loss. I would hate so much to hurt him, he's my best friend. Argh.

[adielovesshelbs]

well, honestly what it comes down to is making sure that you are happy. if you arent happy with him anymore, then you can only tolerate it so much. i would say: enforce a break. you say you have tried but be more assertive this time. if he truly loves you then he will be there if you decide that you want to be together after a break. im not saying use him as a door mat but dont permantly break up. im sorry, i wish i had more advice. good luck with everything.

[LadyMarchHare]

Have you tried asking him why he wants so much of your attention and why he won't give you some breathing room? Perhaps because of your age he is scared you'll go off with some guy your age and leave him all alone. I encountered similar concerns with my SO for a few months because we have an almost 7 year age difference, but it stopped after continued reassurance. I think maybe a break would be a good idea even if you have to force one on him by turning off your phone and computer for a few days. You feel how you feel and if there's a chance it can be fixed before he moves then it's best to try.

[London-FortCollins]

That does sound like such a difficult situation. I've been in similar situations myself, when I was just 18. My then boyf wouldnt accept that I needed a week or two to think about what I wanted and started nonstop contact. However I had already kind of decided I didnt want to be with him anymore and that was just the final nail in the coffin so to speak.

Anyways, moving back to your situation. It sounds to me like you do definitely want and need time to think. Not just about him but about you, your life, what makes you happy and what you ultimately want right now (remember - no decisions are final)

I agree with adielovesshelbs - enforce a break. Explain to him very clearly, but as lovingly as you can, that you need time to think. Reassure him its not just about him, but about everything going on in your life. Explain to him that this is something you need and you will be enforcing it by not answering his calls or responding to his emails until a fixed date.

Having a fixed date means he will (hopefully) back off a bit more knowing its only for two weeks or whatever your time frame may be, and also encourages you not to procrastinate. Theres no reason why on that date you cant tell him "I need more time - I will call you on Friday", as long as you stick to contacting him on the agreed dates. This will lessen any concern and help him realise that it isnt about you ignoring him or anything.

Hopefully given some time to be just you and think clearly you'll have your decision. But remember you deserve to be completely happy. And so does he. If your always going to have that thought in the back of your mind that you may be better off not in the relationship its only going to hurt both of you even more in the long run.

Good luck sweetie - I hope you come to the right decision for you. Listen to what your heart is telling you and what feels right. Even if that decision is a hard one to come to terms with right now.

[blankita719]

I felt a little like I was going back in time reading your post

I met my SO when I was 18 and he was 27. He had a 1 and a half year old son when we met, and at 18, I thought I was ready to jump in and have this family and be with him for the rest of my life. I was in my first year of college and just starting to figure out who I was and what I wanted my life to be about. He and I split up for many reasons, but one of them was the age difference and his feelings that I would come to hate him for tieing me down to a ready made family. Luckily, we managed a graceful split in which we remained friends for many, many years afterwards until eventually coming to the realization that we actually should be together. I don't say this because I think every situation could be like this, clearly it isn't the norm, but that break when I was young allowed me to grow up, to become the woman I am now, and to learn what really made me happy in life. I think about it often whether I would feel the same way about him that I do now if we have stayed together when I was young. Sometimes I think that split to allow me to grow up was the best thing he could have ever done for me, and some days I feel like we wasted 14 years not being together when we knew that long ago that we loved each other.

It's ultimately a personal choice, so if you aren't happy and are having doubts, I would clearly tell him you are taking a break. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

[Silencedsongs]

When you say what you need and what you want, you need to be firm and stick behind what you're saying. I know it's easy to get dissuaded especially when you think you're hurting the person you love. If you back down every time, he's going to know if he pushes enough he can change your mind.

Tell him you need that break, just sometime for yourself. If it's truly what you need and want, he should care enough to respect your request.

[NikkiP]

I am 24 and my ex is 29. We started dating when I was 19 (less than a year after I graduated high school) and he was already 24. It was really difficult for me when I turned 21 because he had just turned 26 and was way past where I was at 21. Even though I was really mature for my age, he didn't understand my want to go out and do things.

We had a pretty rough relationship for several years and there were a lot of the issues described above. We went to therapy, and did all sorts of things to try and fix things but he didn't understand why I needed outside relationships and even our therapist telling him that this was what was healthy did nothing. It wasn't until I told him that I had had enough and actually followed through that he realized the importance of the issues.

Unfortunately for us, it didn't work out but I truly believe that was because I waited too long to make that break. I know it's hard, but if this is how you feel time, and time again, try sticking to your guns and take the break. I feel like it's best to do it now so that he doesn't have false hopes/expectations when he comes home.

Good luck. I look forward to hearing updates.

[mllebamako]

Ugh I just wrote a long reply and it timed out and deleted

Anyway, I agree with all the advice given above. It seems like you are having a hard time distinguishing what it is you really want to do and maybe taking a break is the best way to see things clearly.
Not really the same situation but maybe helpful. When my SO and I had our biggest argument, I knew that I had to leave and sleep somewhere else for a day or 2. I knew that I couldn't think clearly or really know what I wanted with him there. I needed to be alone. He begged me not to leave because he thought it would be forever, but I went anyway. And I'm really glad I did because it helped me realize how I really felt about things and decide what I want.

Good luck to you. Let us know how things go.