Dealing when you can't communicate with your SO.

[Insanity]

Hey so since I've got back home (4th March) I haven't really been able to talk to my guy, his internet isn't working properly, something to do with the phone line so at the moment I'm getting short "hope you're ok" messages on fb from him every few days and that's it.
I'm really struggling but I can't do anything about it, which is hard for somebody like me, I can be a bit of a control freak because that's how I deal with my anxiety.
So now I'm lonely as anything living on my own, nights are the worst, I just end up crying heaps.
I really don't know how to cope with not getting to talk to him, I don't know how any of you can do it.
He's supposed to be coming here in a few months but we haven't been able to talk about any of it, so I can't even focus on that, I dunno what's going on with his passport or his sons.

Sorry for the rant, just feeling lonely tonight, just wanted somebody to talk to and feel like you girls and guys are the only ones that understand. I've tried talking to my mum but she's busy and doesn't really understand.

What do you guys do to try and get through periods where you can't talk?

[MeeshaLenee]

*hugs* I'm so sorry to hear about this, I can only imagine how rough this must be for you!

I usually get really bummed out when I can't talk to my SO; fortunately we haven't had anything major happen yet but he'll be super-scarce in May, which is his exam month. I'm not looking forward to that.

But one thing I've found, to combat depression in general, whatever the cause, is to keep busy. It's the hardest thing in the world when all you want to do is lay on your bed and cry your heart out, but if you can force yourself to find something, anything, to do to keep yourself occupied, it'll help. Write out how you feel. Find a friend to hang out with. Go for a walk, watch a movie, read a book, whatever you can find that works for you. Make a list of all the things you're grateful for in your life.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to find a listening ear and just unload; that helps sometimes.

I hope it gets better soon; and I hope you find something that works for you! We're here, no matter what ends up happening.

[Jonesonaboat]

Hi

Luckily I haven't had it too bad yet, but in a couple of weeks that's what it's going to be like for the Mr and I until we're back together in a few months. Barely any skyping and for the last few weeks maybe the last month there wont be any skyping. It's a horrible feeling knowing what's on it's way.

The only advice I can really give you is to just keep as busy as you can.

I read that you're planning on him coming to you in a few months? Concenrate on that! My man is coming here in a few months when all this stuff it done with and I'm keeping myself busy by planning it all. Just researching all the places I can take him and things we can do. Looking up what's on in different months to see what we could possibly go see/do.

Plan some really nice things and it would give you something to look forward to. I've planned so many amazing things now that it's hard to dwell over the tough time that's going to come before then. And just put all your energy into focusing on that. Remember that the more you dwell, the harder it's going to be. Being sad and upset will only make the time apart more difficult!

I take each day as they come personally. Some days I even write a to do list for the day ahead just so I kepe myself busy enough. Even when they're things like 'go to shop to buy some milk', 'go for a walk'. It passes the time and keeps myself busy. Exersising helps me a lot too, makes you feel great and I love knowing I'm getting toned and in shape for when my man gets here! Read some books too! This is great to let your mind just indulge into a book and forget all your own troubles and woes.

I'm also trying to plan as many things as I can between now and (hopefully) August when my man comes here. I have my best friends birthday beginning of April, some nights out during that month and my birthday is at the end. My mothers 50th is in May so I'm busy organising things for that. Having things to look forward too every week or two breaks things up so much more. Like, I have nothing else planned after my mothers birthday in May.. but by then our time apart might only be 2-3 months so I'm sure I'll be rushed off my feet by then getting things ready for him to come here!

But really just keep yourself as busy as you can, and wear yourself out as much as you can during the day, so when you go to sleep at night you'll be too tired to lay there dwelling on things!

I hope this helps!

[BabyGund]

I'm dealing with a little bit of that right now. I have to admit, it does help that I keep myself busy. I mean, I've always kept myself busy. Just need to stay busier.

[LadyMarchHare]

I've been experiencing less communication with my guy since about May of last year due to his job. Right now it's sort of worse because late December his laptop died and he hasn't been able to fix it, leaving only text messaging as our option and because he works long hours he doesn't always reply. I've gotten used to it, but it still can be really annoying when I need him for something or I just want to talk.

The best thing I can tell you to do is what BabyGund said--stay busy. You had a life before him, have a life while with him. Do things with friends, play games, re-visit old hobbies or find new ones, just generally give yourself something to look forward to every day and a reason to get up and away from the computer or whatever heavily reminds you of him and your current lack of time together. You could also try snail mail, i.e. writing letters to him and telling him about your day/week and how much you miss him. I've written a couple letters in the past and sent them to him when he was busy and he told me he really appreciates them.

It's not the end of the world and it's not going to last forever. You just gotta remember that you're capable of existing happily as an individual and not as 'the girlfriend'.

[sabby64]

Why don't you send him some letters? My parents were long distance around when I was born and back then there were no cell phones or email, so they kept in touch through letters. It's always nice to receive something handwritten in the mail, gives you something to look forward to, and can make you feel better when you're feeling so alone because you can read them over and over!!

[OliveOyl]

im going through this right now... what makes it worse is that I am on Spring Break and have no schoolwork to do! But, luckily my girlfriends and I are hanging out tonight. I really hope they dont ask about him because I do not know how he is doing... IM so angry.

[mandy1992]

So I guess I'm not the only one with this issue. I think my main problem is I worry way too much. Like everyone has said just stay busy, it helps a little.

[nic&matt]

I do stuff for my SO and watch our favorite movies or tv shows. I'll write him a letter, color a picture, make a scrapbook, then pop in some movies like Anchorman or watch Community/The Office. I do things that make me happy most importantly because when I'm happy, my SO usually is too

[BoogleBee]

Why don't you send him some letters? My parents were long distance around when I was born and back then there were no cell phones or email, so they kept in touch through letters. It's always nice to receive something handwritten in the mail, gives you something to look forward to, and can make you feel better when you're feeling so alone because you can read them over and over!!

My parents were long distance when I was born too. Her in NZ and him in the UK, for about..6-8months and they kept in contact through letters during that time and the occasional phone call every now and then I guess. So yes letters definitely! I love getting letters and reading them and writing them to my SO!
And try to keep yourself busy.
I know my SO has trouble with these kinds of things too, whereas I find that my Uni work certainly keeps me busy.

[Insanity]

Thanks all for the advice.
I'm fine during the day normally because I have uni work to do, voluntary work, craft markets but at night I just crash. I'm recovering from depression and anxiety so I guess I'm susceptible to getting depressed easily.
I've tried messaging him on fb and texting him but he just doesn't reply and I know the same would happen if I wrote him a letter so I'm reluctant to do that. I know he can be busy with working (I really dunno how he works 30hrs in 3 days straight) and he has a young son but I guess I'm feeling a little neglected. I'm thankful for the fb messages I get but I have emotional needs and a short "hope you're ok" message doesn't really cover that. He hasn't even been saying he loves me, which I'm sure is just because he's busy but I'm the kind of person who needs to be told. I think I'm starting to get angry with my guy too, I don't know what is stopping him from texting me back. Not to mention my massive trust issues, not hearing from him makes me so paranoid.

It's his sons 2nd birthday in a few weeks and I'm really upset over missing that, I'm upset I haven't got to see him in nearly 3 weeks because I love him so much, he's the closest thing I have to a child of my own. I'm gunna send him a birthday card in a week or so but I just hope so badly I'll be able to see him on camera by then.

I don't really want to make any plans for his visit because we don't have any concrete plans, I just can't seem to bring myself to believe it's going to happen till we have them. He was supposed to visit me a little over a year ago and that didn't happen and I just can't let myself get my hopes up again. I want to talk to him about it, especially to see what is going on with his passport but well I can't.

Sorry just depressed tonight, he's the one who normally helps me with all that. I just feel like my life has fallen apart since I've got home, rent increase I can't really afford but nowhere else to live, nearly got evicted because of a bank error (got the letter to vacate an hour after getting home from the airport), got home to find out my grandfather had a massive heart attack, my welfare payment was cancelled and had to sort out heaps of things to get my student payment, to find out they'll only pay me for a year of my studies (when I have a 3 year degree), I've had heaps to sort out with uni too and then my grandpa died. I've really needed him, I hate being back so much.

[LadyMarchHare]

It sounds like not only do you need to express to your guy the importance that he communicate BACK to keep you happy, but you need someone who is available to help you, emotionally, through your troubles. My guy works 71 hour work weeks for all 7 days and he still finds time to reply to texts, usually in the morning before work and on the way since he carpools with coworkers. Perhaps you should message him and tell him it would mean a lot to you if he could find time to reply whether it's during a break, before or after work, or even 3 in the morning when he wakes up to pee. I understand he has a kid but being in a relationship means you need to focus on that too. It's about balancing you as a person and you as a parent, plenty here do it.

I'd suggest a counselor for your troubles, but I think unless it's a school one you have to pay money and it sounds like you're in enough financial hells as it is. Do you have any friends who would listen and offer support, anyone that's more reliable in back-and-forth communication than your SO? I know it's a huge comfort to have them coddle us here and there, but if the pen won't give any ink, set it down and get another instead of getting frustrated and shaking it. Might I suggest looking into cognitive thinking? It's basically methods to help control and improve your thinking so that you're not feeling paranoid or start thinking "well if this is bad, this is going to start getting bad, then this..." and so on. It's free and I think you could benefit some from it. I know it's really hard to not feel bad or angry when stuff like this comes up.

[Insanity]

Thanks, I've tried CBT in the past for other things and my brain thinks itself around it and I got really frustrated with DBT. I see a psychologist and I'm actually a psych major. I don't really have friends because in the past I isolated myself and well I don't trust people (bad experiences with friends) so never really talk about any of my issues to people I know. I talk to my mum but she just doesn't understand. Talking to him is therapeutic, even if we talk about crap or be silly, he's the only person who knows me for me.

We got to talk briefly last night, he said another person is having the same problem with there phone line and he dropped his phone in a bucket of water (I'm assuming at work). It was great to talk to him but by the sounds of things I might not even have him visiting me for my school holidays which is frustrating because I know it's because of money and it just isn't practical for him to come over whilst I'm at uni, I wouldn't be able to study with him and his 2yr old son in my unit, trying to study here by myself is hard enough and my course is quite demanding. Not to mention I've managed to convince my mum not to pressure me to move til he visits but that was based on him coming in late june. It frustrates me because I have money saved for visits (and still saving every cent I can) but I think he'd be too stubborn to take the help.
I know he is working hard to save up and I'm so thankful for that but I see visits as a joint thing.

[Monalisa]

I think that the best thing that we can do is keeping our minds on sthg else. I havenīt been able to communicate with him for a long time and to be honest I'm expecting the worse, I'm feeling very sad because I don't know what's happening. He doesn't answer the phone and a month ago his computer broke down. I have phoned his mother (lol) just to know he is "fine" (cos he's got serious depression) that's the only way i've been able to know how he's going. His mum told me that he didn't go out for Xmas and Near Year, that he's been in a bad mood. It's a very frustrating feeling, because he barely sent me a text message on New Years day, and he manages to connect himself to internet(when he lends his brothers computer) very late at night and I'm already sleeping.

I'm just waiting to get a word from him, I'm expecting the worse really In LDR communication is vital, and in the last month communication has not been the best. I've tried a lot but he just won't answer, I just want to know his side of the story and I want him to be honest with me. Shame cos we met 5 months and I didn't expect this

[Kairi19]

I remember whilst my SO was in Thailand, he was evacuated from his accommodation and into a hotel. His workplace closed which meant he'd spend the day (and sometimes evening) out with his friends instead of sitting at a computer. This and the six hour time difference meant that communication was limited. I remember we didn't skype for weeks. We had phone calls but even these were scarce as international calls were expensive. I got pretty down because I wasn't talking to him or know if he was alright. But looking back on it now I realise that just sitting around, hoping he'd come onto Facebook or send me an email was the worse thing I could be doing. I was even starting to isolate myself from my friends, because I was scared that if I was offline I'd miss a message from him. Looking back I really wish I'd kept myself busy, as I know that does help. Hopefully when he goes back to Thailand I'll be able to handle it better.

A friend once told me this which has really stuck with me - don't define yourself as someone's 'girlfriend'. You're an individual person as well, so don't stop living your own life. I really hope everything works out for you. All the best