No more sparks?

[Kristin91]

So recently my boyfriend and I started having issues because of the distance between us. We both agree that we want to be in a relationship together, but it's so much harder than either one of us ever imagined. However, it was going really well! He came down to see me a few times, I went up to his school to see him a couple times... but now I feel like our relationship is boring. All we talk about is "how were classes?", "how was your club meeting?" "how are you?" "good luck on your test" etc... and I feel like we lost the spark that made our relationship what it used to be. We've been going out for just over 5 months...

I also feel bad because I feel like part of this is my fault because we were theoretically talking about marriage and kids and whatever, and he goes "I want to marry you someday" and at the time I was so happy, but now that thought freaks me out and makes me feel trapped. I care so much about him, and I don't want to lose him... I just need help getting that spark back?

We have a skype date tonight, which I'm hoping will help bring some of the fun back into our relationship... I just feel like we've run out of things to do together...

[machstx]

I am going through this right now as well. Its hard and i dont have the answer but i do know that this is common for LDR's. Its much harder to connect when you cant see eachother so its more work...i think its all the pressure we put on eachother to be happy and constantly worried about drifting apart etc...hang in there hun! try not to stress it and just let the convos happen

[nic&matt]

I went through a phase like that for a couple months, scared stiff that we "lost it" and that I couldn't control anything.
Have no fear!!!
I think most people in relationships feel like it needs to be exciting and they need to talk about things other than their day.
FALSE!!! Who are some people you love most in this world? A sibling, parents? What do you talk about? YOUR DAY! You don't have exciting and adventurous talks that are deep and profound every single day. You have normal conversations and share intrest in eachother's life. Your boyfriend/girlfriend should first and foremost be your best friend. You need to just talk about nothing with them and feel so close to them it's almost clastrophobic sometimes...

Do things that made you guys made you guys fall in love with eachother, not when you were in love. Watch a tv show, play a boardgame via-monopoly on skype. Do things and get creative! Show your little quirks that made him/her fall in love with you in the first place.

Stick to it and never break up unless your not "feeling it". If you're so concerned and worried, it's a good sign, I promise. You want it to work and if you want it, it most likely will.
The best of luck

[LadyMarchHare]

Sounds like you got past the "Honeymoon phase" where everything's shiny, new, and exciting. Now you're down to what may feel routine and almost boring, but every couple goes through it at some point. Talking about your day and being a little normal isn't a bad thing, but if you feel like something's missing, try looking back on exactly what made the relationship exciting and out of the box and see if you can't rekindle that at the point you two are at now. There's nothing wrong with a little normalcy and a little predictability as that sets a level of comfort so you're able to expect certain things for sure.

[xopookie]

You should send him stuff like a love postcard or love notes. Start surprising him and plan trips to see him! But if this goes one for a maybe 6 or more months... maybe you're not as compatible but other than that start sending care packages

[London-FortCollins]

You should definitly check out the "questions for couples" work through them or pick and choose your favs. What's great is they should spark other conversations, away from the original question.

And I totally agree with nic&matt your so is your best friend and companion, sharing the every day journey is what makes the overal adventure so amazing!

[mundohh]

Jeez. I feel like reading my own post. Haha. It's exactly how I felt last month. One solution: Have a visit. Go to places you guys have never been to. Spend days together literally. I guarantee you will find the spark again. Well, it works for me

[NaNi]

You could check out the 101 Romantic Ideas page. Some of those ideas are really cheesy, but maybe you'll find something you could do for your SO? You should also google, as someone else already suggested, "questions for couples".

It's also always good to plan your trip if a visit is coming up! For example: When I'm flying back to New Zealand at the end of July my SO and I are going to the zoo! So I searched the website and found out that you can have close animal encounters which I'm really keen to try out with my SO.

[Mizpah]

'The spark' is something you have to maintain, and with life and the responsibilities that come with it, sometimes the spark gets replaced with routine. For the record, I don't think that being comfortable is a bad thing, but I do think it's important to keep the spark alive, so that the passion remains and the boredom stays away. So my suggestion would be to step it up. Romance and the spark seem to be deeply connected, so write a love letter, send a handmade or thoughtful gift, or do one of the countless other sweet things you can find on the LFAD list. Another thing about romance is that it tends to be contagious, so your SO is likely to reciprocate. Mix up the routine a bit, or have a surprise visit if possible. All things move in cycles, and love and relationships are no exception. Aaron and I are ridiculously happy together, but we have our "low spark" times, and it either comes back around naturally or we do something actively to bring it back. Recently I felt like we hit a lull due to recent stresses and my new job taking time away. I came home from my new job orientation to find that he had set up my paint set so I could work on my project and underneath my canvas was the first oil painting he had ever done (you couldn't tell that by how incredible it was). It was of Topsail Island where we got engaged and had our personal ceremony when we eloped. That shot some sparks So don't worry. The spark is not something you lose and can never find again. To avoid having nothing to talk about, I suggest playing the question game (there's a list floating around here and a Google search yields countless others) to help you learn more about each other and have fun/interesting conversations. If you try some things, and you just can't seem to find it, I would really suggest getting Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages." It is AWESOME, and the quiz is great in helping couples learn how to express love the way their partner needs. Because as with anything, the way we need love expressed to us can change with time and circumstance.

[London-FortCollins]

5 love languages is amazing! Totally brought huge sparks for me and my SO.

Go buy it now - awesome investment!

[bluishskin]

Dear Kristin, I agree with a lot of things mentioned above by LFADers. I think every couple experiences what you're experiencing, whether they are separated by distance or not. Sometimes we dont have much to talk about, or simply running out of topics...which is normal and it has happened to me and my SO as well. However, we tried not to dwell so much in that as it would only cause frustration if let loose. What nic&matt said is true, that if you are worried it means you are concerned and you care about this special bond that you have with your SO. Also, sometimes we are not willing to accept the fact which can make us feel anxious the whole time. No matter how hard it is, my SO and I always try to accept any kind of situation that we have and discuss to find solution. With efforts and patience, things will turn out fine. That applies to you as well.
Good luck!

[J&D]

We are going through the same phase right now.. Especially after a fight that we had a month ago, we were going to break up in a week but we didn't, for now. Because its hard to be in a LDR (for both of us), I was tired and I didn't really fight much to stay and accepted what will happen because I thought it won't work between us. Before, I couldn't stand an hour without talking to him but sometimes now I don't feel that way anymore.. But I couldn't stand the thought of breaking up, so what I did is fight these negative feelings I have, I kept thinking about what made us love each other. I try to bring back these sparks (and I hope I will) thankfully we're still together and I began to feel like I did before.. Just think what will life would be without your SO and how falling in love changed your life, and you'll get through this.

Oh and I'm thinking of doing new stuff we didn't do before, like these couples questions and watching a movie together. And I may write a story on how we met and what it made me feel.
I hope you'll get through this and return these sparks,
good luck

[Brandie]

Well skype can really help bring those sparks back, talk about past memories you guys have had and laugh and remember the good times, talk about how you want the future to look, and of course a little dirty skype can help if you guys are into that sort of thing! send him a letter of the reasons you first fell for him, little things like that!