Worrying about my relationship

[gene]

My SO and I met each other during a summer camp abroad. That was an Asia-wide event held annually. Anyway, my SO and I came from the same country and the same city. Seems great, isn't it? Except for that it was one month before we were to leave for university. And we were admitted to universities 600 miles away from our city.
In days after we met, we fell in love and to my surprise we were officially LDR couple in no more than 2 months time. That happened during my first time returning home after started university.
By now, we still have two years at least to go. She participated in an exchange program with UMich, which means for the next two years we will be 6600 miles away, plus 12 hours time difference.

One month earlier, she told me that she's not sure whether or not she can keep the relationship going. I understand that she doesn't want break up. Neither do I.
But I'm quite worried. So is she.
She's always been somehow depressive. And her pressure had been mounting since this semester. She told me that sometimes she felt very depressed but just couldn't find anyone to pour herself out. I'm not even there when she wants to cry.

She also told me that she felt we don't actually know each other well. My understanding of this issue is that we are no longer so passionate on each other as it fades over time. But as LDR, we are always too away from each other and busy doing school work that we don't have much chance to learn much about each other.
She said she felt that we should have some time together away from home, like going on a trip together, but she don't feel alike going out with men alone, even if me. Anyway, afterwards, she had decided to come and visit my university and the city during early May after we had some unpleasant talk last month. Air ticket already purchased.

Among that unpleasant talk, she told me that she made those great handmade gifts before my birthdays only because she felt I deserve a great gift from her rather than she did that out of love. Anyway, she later said that she didn't mean it. And I feel it unlikely true considering the great amount of time (50+ hours each) she devoted into those gadgets.

I feel that we are okay by now, but below my expectations. But can't help feel worried.

What's your idea? Did you have such a phase during your relationship and how did you overcome it?

[LadyMarchHare]

If she's experiencing depression and a lot of pressure, it sounds like she might want to see a counselor to sort out those feelings and get herself help. Some people crack under pressure and that may be why she's acting the way she is and contradicting herself.

As for knowing each other, that takes time and a LOT of communication. If you're both in school and busy it's normal that you not communicate every day or a whole lot. What matters is that you put effort in to knowing the person as time goes on rather than giving up just because the person didn't come with a background check and an autobiography. Being long distance is hard but it's not an impossible feat. You BOTH have to work to keep yourselves and each other happy and with a big time difference it can be harder. If you feel the relationship is not where it needs to be, talk with her and try to work on a solution TOGETHER whether it's making more time for one another, talking out your problems, talking about your expectations for one another, whatever. You have to talk it out as right now talking's pretty much all you have. Clear communication is key.

[Mfashnik]

I agree with LadyMarchHare, wholeheartedly. I go to weekly counseling at my university. It's free and it isn't just because I'm in a LDR; it's also because I'm under a lot of pressure and stress and I struggle a lot with depression and anxiety. Since I started seeing my counselor I have been so much better, especially in my LDR. It is nice to have someone to vent to and cry to and to know that it's their job to listen to you. My boyfriend is great and he's there for me when he can be, but he knows sometimes I need more than that and that's where my counseling comes in.

Also, getting to know someone in a LDR can be difficult, but it can also be fun. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and I still learn things about him everyday. A lot of time we just ask one another random questions when we think about them. Sometimes I just ask him to describe his daily routine to me, so I can imagine what it would be like for our routines to fit together. There are great lists of questions online that you can start asking one another. Make a goal to learn a certain number of things about her by the end of the month. Do you know her favorite food or flower? Don't be afraid to ask her those things, she'll be excited you're taking an interest. My boyfriend makes me little worksheets sometimes around the holidays that ask me about my favorite types of jewelry and my favorite foods and stuff so when we do spend time together he knows what restaurants to take me to and what kind of gifts to give me for holidays.

LDRs are stressful and a lot of work, but sometimes they are worth it. You have to experience the pain and frustration as well as the love and happiness. It's important to communicate. When you're upset because you miss her, talk to her about it and encourage her to do the same. You're going through the same things, you should go through them together. And remember to be encouraging. Little things like "I love you" messages are helpful or letting her know you're thinking of her will help her get through sometimes. I know I appreciate those little things.

Good Luck. You can get through this. You're in the right place.

[OliveOyl]

i use my schools counseling services! It helps sooooooooooo much, and would agree when everyone suggests that

[gene]

Hi LadyMarchHare,
Yes, she is kind of "contradicting herself". That should not be overlooked and should be dealt with.
I once tried school counseling during high school. And I just never come up with the idea of free counseling in university. I'll suggest she find a counselor.
Thank you for your suggestion.

[gene]

Hi Mfashnik, thank you for your suggestions and Q & A.
Does anyone have some good suggestions on questions. We tried doing this routinely but didn't last a month.
Sometimes I simply can't come up with a question. And sometimes, I'm afraid to ask questions.
Any suggestions on great questions for LDR university students.

[bluishskin]

Hi gene,
That suggestion made by Mfashnik is excellent and it's really worth to try. I myself am pretty much similar with you, sometimes I can't come up with any questions at all. I mean, I'm curious at the same time but just can't verbally express it for some reason, which makes other people think I'm indifferent but I'm actually not. Try not to be afraid in asking questions. No matter how silly your questions are, it's a way of getting to know your SO. Perhaps you can make a list of questions, like in a little notepad that you carry wherever you go so as soon as a question pops up, you can write it down straightaway. Then you can ask like 2 questions when you talk to her. Who knows, a simple question might lead to an exciting convo. Sometimes I need to force myself a bit to ask questions to my SO, just to avoid unnecessary regret in the future.
Best of luck!

[xopookie]

Gene, as a woman I do this too but I think she just wants more attention from you or emotional understanding from you. As a woman, a lot of women tend to do this aka "No, I don't want to burden you anymore" code word for come closer and emotionally understand me. I want more attention. I think you should send her a telegram that's advertised on this site. That'll cheer her up so much and a love card! I think this is just a phase, and she's going through alot. So all you can do is be the most supportive boyfriend you can be, and I really don't think she wants to break up. Besides she needs you more than ever! Oh and suggest she go see a counselor too.

[gene]

She has been more and more depressed these days. Originally, I was thinking about talking to her about the counseling thing when she feels positive.
I really thought talking some one to see a counselor could make things worse when she's already feeling she's not normal. It's kind of assuring her that she's truly abnormal.
Anyway, I feel I can't wait more and have to act after seeing her more depressed these days. I asked one of my friends who's in the same university as she is to print out a scanned handwritten letter I wrote and left it in her mailbox. Aren't sure how she will act upon seeing the letter.

[gene]

Thank you all! She went to a counselor and told me that she felt a little better now.

[LadyMarchHare]

Hopefully she continues with it so long as she really needs it, but it's good to hear she went ahead and got some help.

[gene]

Hopefully she continues with it so long as she really needs it, but it's good to hear she went ahead and got some help.

Is there anything more that I can do to help? I felt the first counseling doesn't help at all although she told me it did have a little benefit.

Actually, I'm now very much worried about her, as well as feared and angry.

I'm worried that she won't be able to solve the problem and would go too far and hurt herself. She's very negative these days. This is a critical year in university and losses may not be reversible.
I'm feared that I cannot deal with her such behavior in the long run. I'm feared that my life can be ruined because of the insecurity. If we do overcome the long distance and get married, when I woke up, I find out that her mood change unpredictably again and she's not able to control her own mind. What could I do? Once is common, twice is ok, thrice is endurable. But what if again and again? Will I have my own life any more?
I'm also quite angry about what she's doing these days. She frequently does not reply my message. She sometimes sends my contradicting messages and at the same time refuses my every intention to help. She sets her status to Away or Busy midst our chatting online and doesn't reply anymore.

I have a feeling that I could be in need of counselor if these things continue to happen.

Looking forward to replies!

[LadyMarchHare]

If she has some form of mental illness, the counseling will help her identify it and then it becomes a matter of medication. It sounds to me like it will have to resort to medication if she's that depressed and that moody. I'm not a doctor so I can't diagnose anyone, but if she is put on the right medication, that would certainly cut back some of the behavioral problems. It wouldn't stop them as any medication you have to meet halfway as none of it's a complete cure-all like the TV ads say they are.

If you believe she's going to hurt herself, whether it's just cutting or an actual suicide attempt, if you have any way to reach family or friends of hers who could see to it she's helped or stopped, that's about all you can do. There was a time, early in the relationship, when I had a cutting problem. I actually cut myself in front of my SO once when we were on webcam and he didn't like it, but he told me he couldn't stop me if it's what I wanted to do. What he told me instead was, "the next time you pick up a knife or boxcutter or whatever you want to use, first think about me cutting myself for the same reason you want to and see if you're alright with that. If you are, then I won't stop you." It was the last time I ever hurt myself. Granted I already knew I had mental problems, was on medication, and was seeing a therapist so I was still on the path to recovery.

I could sit here and preach all night about trying to understand what she's going through and so on, but the point is moot because one, you can't understand that kind of stuff until you go through it yourself and two, you have to look after yourself and your happiness first. If what she's doing, how she's acting, is hurting you enough that it's affecting not only your relationship but your life outside the relationship, then in the long run it's probably better that you end things. Yes she's obviously unhappy and needs help, but there's only so much you can do as her boyfriend. You're not a therapist, you're not a psychiatrist, and you're certainly not a doctor of any kind that can just throw stuff at her that will make her happy and behave and not act like a jerk or anything.

If you think it would help and wouldn't result in a fight, I would talk to her about her contradicting messages and suddenly going Away or Busy in the middle of a conversation. That's like hanging up while someone's still talking to you or slamming a door in someone's face. If she's getting aggravated or upset during the conversation, she needs to say "look I need a break" and THEN leave, not just abruptly change her status and ignore you. That's blatant disrespect. And I could understand the messages changing if her mood's constantly fluctuating to the point she's confused as to what she's feeling right then, but she needs to learn to identify those moments and learn not to message you during them lest she say something she regrets or doesn't necessarily mean. If there's another reason behind it, well, she still needs to learn to get her thoughts straight and that's what the therapy's for.