Controling Long Distance Relationships .

[LakayLovesRay]

both me and my SO are very controlling .
and it does not bother either of us .

we like to be controlled and we like to be in control .
Dont Judge .

We arent allowed to talk to the oppisite sex . at all .
no conversation contact , or acknowldge .

and although that doesnt seem too bad.
theres little things that make it alot ..

we dont watch tv . because its also full of half naked people .
mostly girls. but i am bisexual so .
again dont judge ,

that was an example ^^^
there are alot of other little things that dont come to mind .

and i know this controlling thing we have is because of our insecurieties .
we're both insecure with ourseleves.
and because of the distance. we trust eachother . but the distance can sometimes fuck with your head . you know?

neither of us has a problem with such control .
but i feel its kind of unhealthy
and i was wondering if anyone could help with our jealousy ?

we've been dating for a little over a year and we are still just as in love and everything is very well .
but i just want to keep us strong until we can close the distance .
which will be in about two and a half more years ,

thanks (:

[snow_girl]

I think that is definitely unhealthy. I think you need to deal with your issues if you want this relationship to work. How do you order food at a restaurant or check out at a grocery store if its someone of the opposite sex helping you? It just seems so unrealistic to me that neither of you are allowed to converse nevermind even acknowledge the other sex!!

Jealousy is going to kill this relationship. You both need to figure out why you are insecure and try to work out a happy medium that doesn't require you to stop living normal lives.

[LakayLovesRay]

we understand that thankyou (:

, but how do we do that.? thats out issue . we dont know how to be not jealous. cause thats just how we've always been

[snow_girl]

You need to trust each other. Are you afraid that by looking at someone else they might be tempted to cheat? If you are both faithful to each other you need to trust that by giving a little slack it doesn't mean that you or him is going to cheat. It might be hard for both of you to give more freedom but if this is a relationship that is meaningful for you, you've got to try.

[OliveOyl]

its nice to kind of maybe talk to someone about it. counseling helps get past any unhealthy behaviors you have. i went because of unhealthy behaviors i had with relationships. and they will never tell you precisely what to do, they usually guide you and just really listen to your issues and ask a lot of questions about your situation.... you just have to be open enough to go through counseling. and be willing to change to not only be better individually, but as a couple.

[Miramaid]

To be honest I wish me and my SO had some of the boundaries or "controls" similar to yours. not the ones you mentioned but similar. Because it does cause a lot of issues unfortunately And yes long distance can screw things us even if people are in love.
But sorry I do not have any advice for you. Yes it is not healthy, but if you both are happy with the things the way they are and you do not have a problem with it then why change anything?

[Jonesonaboat]

How far apart are you?
If you can, try watching the same channel at the same time? Could be a starting point to both watch the same things together at the same time.

[Mizpah]

Jealousy takes many forms, but generally is the byproduct of a serious lack of trust in the relationship. Being controlling, whether you both are okay with it or not, is not healthy nor should it be such an active part of your relationship especially when it cancels out your trust in each other. And that is exactly what it is doing. Distance is hard, we all know it, but you are giving it far too much credit. I understand that you both want to protect your love and relationship, but you can do that AND trust each other. How do you think it's going to be when the distance ends? Likely the same since you are establishing these unhealthy habits now. Work on trust, watch a little TV, and for goodness sake talk to the other sex. Asking the female/male cashier change for a twenty isn't flirting, and very likely won't be the beginning of the end of your relationship nor will watching TV where a little skin is shown by either sex.

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm going to agree wholeheartedly with Mizpah. It's alright for you to have boundaries, but going so far as to say no talking to the opposite sex at all or watching television because society's progressed to the point where seeing a chick in a micro-bikini is normal? That's not control, that's paranoia. What you're doing is saying it's alright to shut yourself out of reality because it's "for love."

As Mizpah said, you are giving the distance FAR too much credit. Let me let you in on a secret here: distance is not a scapegoat. It is not the reason mistrust happens, it is not the cause of every person's misery. It's the only thing people can pull out as a reason when they won't take responsibility for their actions. YOU are controlling. HE is controlling. You're both insanely jealous to the point your easiest route is living in a cave far away from mankind together, but you can't do that. Humans are, by nature, social creatures and to do that would destroy you both. Emphasizing again what has already been said, you both need to learn to trust each other. Trust is probably the most integral part of any relationship, even before communication. It's fine to set boundaries and rules so you both know how far you can go without causing a rift between you, but when the boundary becomes "DO NOTHING AT ALL I OWN YOU" well, someone needs to loosen the shackles.

Counseling, therapy, really at this extreme stage that's your best bet. Because whether they're 10,000 miles away or right in front of you, a person will lie and cheat and steal and kill with a straight face if they want to. You have to learn to let the leash go and trust they'll walk down the block and turn around and come back. If not, that voice in the back of your head's going to learn to get louder as time goes by until you're both constantly fighting over who supposedly slept with who and oh I saw you touch the waiter's hand yeah but you smiled at the hostess. Nip it in the bud now, go outside and talk to someone who doesn't have boobs, and just fight to get into a healthy relationship.

[mllebamako]

Let me let you in on a secret here: distance is not a scapegoat. It is not the reason mistrust happens, it is not the cause of every person's misery. It's the only thing people can pull out as a reason when they won't take responsibility for their actions.

Amen to THAT!

[Mizpah]

I'm going to agree wholeheartedly with Mizpah. It's alright for you to have boundaries, but going so far as to say no talking to the opposite sex at all or watching television because society's progressed to the point where seeing a chick in a micro-bikini is normal? That's not control, that's paranoia. What you're doing is saying it's alright to shut yourself out of reality because it's "for love."

As Mizpah said, you are giving the distance FAR too much credit. Let me let you in on a secret here: distance is not a scapegoat. It is not the reason mistrust happens, it is not the cause of every person's misery. It's the only thing people can pull out as a reason when they won't take responsibility for their actions. YOU are controlling. HE is controlling. You're both insanely jealous to the point your easiest route is living in a cave far away from mankind together, but you can't do that. Humans are, by nature, social creatures and to do that would destroy you both. Emphasizing again what has already been said, you both need to learn to trust each other. Trust is probably the most integral part of any relationship, even before communication. It's fine to set boundaries and rules so you both know how far you can go without causing a rift between you, but when the boundary becomes "DO NOTHING AT ALL I OWN YOU" well, someone needs to loosen the shackles.

Counseling, therapy, really at this extreme stage that's your best bet. Because whether they're 10,000 miles away or right in front of you, a person will lie and cheat and steal and kill with a straight face if they want to. You have to learn to let the leash go and trust they'll walk down the block and turn around and come back. If not, that voice in the back of your head's going to learn to get louder as time goes by until you're both constantly fighting over who supposedly slept with who and oh I saw you touch the waiter's hand yeah but you smiled at the hostess. Nip it in the bud now, go outside and talk to someone who doesn't have boobs, and just fight to get into a healthy relationship.

Agreed. I would like to also add it is extremely unhealthy to be cutting off ties to friends or potential friends based on their gender. As LMH pointed out, as humans, we're innately social creatures. Your partner is X miles away, and if you focus solely on them you'll drive yourself, and eventually your partner crazy. I would also like to know how this works for you. You stated you are bisexual, so you can talk to the same sex, but not guys and he cannot talk to girls? Seems like you're at rick of being cut off from EVERYONE. Be careful at making someone you're whole world, because when/if you lose them, you lose everything. Not to mention that a love that becomes obsession will not last, and a love that focuses solely on the object of its affection will smother the flame that sustains it. You think you're protecting your love, but really you are destroying it, and robbing it of what makes it so special.

[churchgrim]

In my opinion, I feel this is a very unhealthy relationship. You say you trust each other, yet you have all these rules that I find really ridiculous. The thing with long distance relationships is you need a whole lot of faith in each other - if you trust each other, why can't you talk to someone of the opposite sex? And as you're bisexual, wouldn't that mean you couldn't talk to anyone but your partner and family? The key thing you need to do is communicate with each other. Try to work out your insecurities and drop the rules. They aren't just destructive for the relationship, but also for your own lives - what if you wanted a job but your possible boss was male? Does that mean you can't apply for the job? Also think about when you do meet up. These insecurities would probably get so much worse.

I understand it's hard to let go of insecurities, but together you two both need to have a serious talk about the limitations your jeaslousy puts on your lives together, and seperately. Work together to take slow steps into letting the other talk to the other sex, and support each other in getting healthy relationships with others.