Not a "real" relationship?

[December]

I was talking to my SO just now and we got on the topic of past girlfriends/boyfriends. She has had more long distance relationships, so when I asked her how many girlfriends she had had before me I expected to see a number which you can't count on one hand. Instead, she told me that she had only had one girlfriend before me. I was a bit confused so I asked her about it. She then proceed to tell me that yes, she did have some other relationships, but that she doesn't think they count because they weren't in "real life".

It happens to be so that my SO and I haven't met yet, so I asked her what she thinks our relationship is. She said that it currently is on the "real life"-list, unless we break up before we actually meet, because then it wouldn't count anymore. (She later told me that I'm not on the "real life" list, but on the "changed my life to the better and made me feel like I am actually able to feel true love"-list. I have no idea what that means and I feel like it's bullshit, but I thought I'd add it.)

I feel very offended and hurt. We have been going out for only a couple of months now but I have known her for over a year. In the time we've been dating, I have showed her my body over webcam and also send her pictures. I wouldn't do this with anyone but the person I am in a relationship with. If we break up, which seems to be getting a lot more realistic, my relationship with her wouldn't have counted and this all would have meant nothing. I told her that that thought makes me feel cheap and that I'll stop sending her pictures if this is the case, but she seems to think I'm crazy.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship I am in and she won't give me a clear answer. It's starting to sound like we're just in an online-relationship which isn't related to the "real world" at all. What do you guys think?

Sorry if I'm over analyzing things, but it bugs me.

PS: Before we got to together, I already told her that I only wanted to be with her if this would be a real relationship, not an online one. This only adds to my confusion... Did she lie to me?

[OliveOyl]

You know one of my SO's cousins called me he internet girlfriend and I got hella pissed! Because she was eluding to it not being a real relationship (although in my case we have met in person). At any rate, I was pissed, and so did mySO. Because it very much is a real relationship. I think you have a right to be pissed. Are you two planning on meeting anytime soon? Because maybe its sort of a defense mechanism on her part. If you don't have plans on meeting...maybe you two need to talk about it again and make sure you are both on the same page in regards to the status of your relationship. hope everything works out!

[LadyMarchHare]

A lot of people, regardless of if they're in a LDR or not, view online relationships without physical meeting as "not real" or some off-brand of real to where they care but they don't see it as official until they meet in person.

My personal belief on that is if you're actively investing feelings and time into someone, it's real and official. I can understand if it were merely cybering or being friends with benefits in some way, but when it comes down to actually caring to the point of loving and having the desire to be together, it's real.

That aside, I think you need to talk to her as I don't think it's genuinely fair that you two have two different views on just what your relationship is and how "Real" it is. For a relationship to work you need to be on the same page regarding the status of your relationship, where you wanna take it, how far, and so on. That she's alluding that you're just someone who's changed her life but isn't much more than that, I can see where that would be hurtful. She needs to be reminded that the person on the other side of that computer is real and the affections attached are real too. Just because SHE can't touch them doesn't mean it's all pixels and e-motes.

If she won't change her mind or at least further clarify her reasoning for thinking this you may want to evaluate your relationship and see if you can be with someone who won't treat the relationship with the respect it deserves.

[Mizpah]

Quite frankly, I would tell her that what you have is either real, or it is not. That doesn't change with relationship status. It is unfair of her to flip-flop and string you along. When I was about fourteen a e-pal turned into more, but he was always too afraid to go with official titles mainly due to his very strict family. We were "more than friends" for a couple of years before I ended things with him, for my ex-fiance. We never met in person, and we never called each other boyfriend/girlfriend. However, we thought we loved each other, were loyal, and had an impact on each others' lives. So what's "not real" about that?

[Rosebud]

I can understand why this would bother you and I agree in that I honestly believe this needs to be something you need to talk with her about again, calmly, and let her know that it's made you upset. If you haven't already, explain to her s you have here that doing such things, like sending her your photo, isn't something you would have done for just anyone. And I can see why you wouldn't feel comfortable still sending them if she didn't consider your relationship real. I'm curious, if for whatever reason you two are never allowed to meet, does that mean she feels as though her feelings toward you now are entirely invalid?

Sorry I don't have better advice as my thoughts seem to be on the same wavelength as your own in that I too would be hurt and confused by her logic, so my only real suggestion is to discuss this with her further as being on the same page about what type of relationship you're in and where you hope it will go is VERY important.

[erinewelsh]

I get the same kind of comments from other people all the time, but never from my boyfriend. It is a little concerning that she doesn't seem to view your relationship with the same weight and seriousness that you do. It sounds like you need to make her have a conversation with you where you just lay it out for her. Tell her exactly what it is you feel, and ask her for some clarity. Good luck!

[Gelfling]

Upon reflection, I think I tend to put relationships (of any sort, not just romantic) that exist only over the Internet in a "tentatively real" category, myself. I'm not sure how webcam interactions would affect that, though. I don't think it invalidates the experiences, but if you lose touch with someone you never found out for sure was who they said they were, I think you could go crazy worrying about the what-ifs. Plus there's that woman who pretended to be a teen boy who 'dated' a friend (or was it a frenemy?) of her daughter, eventually leading to the friend's suicide.

I guess the first question I'd ask is, do you two have plans to meet? If she's eager to arrange a meeting RL, then it could just be that she's holding a tiny bit back until she can be sure of you (kind of like how my SO and I wouldn't say we loved each other until we met in person). If she's consistently coming up with reasons not to meet and they're starting to sound flimsy, it might be that she is thinking of you as just an online relationship.

If the relationship is otherwise solid, and a meeting is potentially in the works, I think it would be a shame to lose out on something that could be awesome just because one person approaches the initial (and temporary!) testing-each-other-out period by diving head-first into the pool and the other dips her toes in before using the ladder.

[Elissa]

In my opinion, if there are sincere feelings involved, an LDR is absolutely real regardless of whether or not the two people have met in person. My "fakest" relationships were the ones that occured offline.

[Sav88]

Usually the best way to solve this is to meet in person. But I understand how you feel because I always took my relationship with my SO as a real one and not a game over the net. I think at first he took it as a bit of fun online but once he knew I was serious he kinda got freaked out over it. But he actually had real feelings for me because we did end up having a break from each other for a month but he came back to me and we eventually met and now we're still to this very day madly in love with each other. It made it a lot better that we've met and know it's the real deal. I guess, for your girl it's that, wait and see in real life situation. I know how it feels to be hurt by this. I went through it with my SO but if you just keep on loving each other and eventually meet, it should work out Just don't get too wrapped up in your emotions honey.

[13000km]

I haven't read the other responses yet, but although my boyfriend and I were had very strong feelings for each other and doing a lot of things like couples do, we refused to admit that we were in a relationship because neither of us believed you can fall in love with someone you've never met. Neither of us considered what we had "real" because of this.

After we met, we decided that, hey, we have been committed to each other for a long time now, without saying it, and we do want to be in a relationship, even if there are 8182 miles between us. The distance intimidated us, but we put our all into it. NOW I consider it a real relationship, but if we had parted ways before we met, I doubt I would have admitted it was real.

[LadyMarchHare]

I haven't read the other responses yet, but although my boyfriend and I were had very strong feelings for each other and doing a lot of things like couples do, we refused to admit that we were in a relationship because neither of us believed you can fall in love with someone you've never met. Neither of us considered what we had "real" because of this.

After we met, we decided that, hey, we have been committed to each other for a long time now, without saying it, and we do want to be in a relationship, even if there are 8182 miles between us. The distance intimidated us, but we put our all into it. NOW I consider it a real relationship, but if we had parted ways before we met, I doubt I would have admitted it was real.

Not to start a debate or anything, but I don't see how the word "meeting" gets only applied to being in the same room. You "meet" people online every day, talk to them, read what they have to say. You're ultimately talking to a live person, the only difference is you can't hear a voice or see a face. What is the difference, then, after you've met? You're still talking to someone through a screen or a phone, you can't SEE them or touch them, yet because you were in a room once together there's a vast difference? I really can't buy that mindset, it makes no logical sense to me.

[acroush]

Why are there so many list... I think there should be 2 not a relationship and a relationship...maybe ask her what she defines each list as and how you fit into her life, and not just a list... Makes me wonder how many other people were on these lists and that is why you were surprised she only had 1 relationship.

talk it out... hope it works out

[GatoGirl]

Wow, I've been married for 18 years, but does that mean that 17 of them are 'not real' because we have been apart? Hmm, that sort of logic would mean that the entire marriage is 'not real' because we had a LD courtship, too. Well, no matter what the world thinks, we are very much a real relationship in which we have invested much time, energy, and money.

[13000km]

Not to start a debate or anything, but I don't see how the word "meeting" gets only applied to being in the same room. You "meet" people online every day, talk to them, read what they have to say. You're ultimately talking to a live person, the only difference is you can't hear a voice or see a face. What is the difference, then, after you've met? You're still talking to someone through a screen or a phone, you can't SEE them or touch them, yet because you were in a room once together there's a vast difference? I really can't buy that mindset, it makes no logical sense to me.

I guess for me it was a comfort thing. I didn't really believe that my feelings for him were real, or that it is possible to be in love with someone I have never held. The meeting kind of solidified everything for us, if that makes sense. Before the visit I used to tell him I wish I knew him "in real life". The physical part of being close to someone (hugging, holding hands, kissing) is very important to me, that's why it was hard for me to acknowledge our relationship before, and a huge struggle to keep it going now.

From being in that situation though, I now understand that yes it is possible to fall for someone you haven't physically met, because as much as I refused to admit it, I did fall for him before our first visit.

My choice of words may have been wrong, with the meet/met. I hope you understand where I'm coming from?

[LadyMarchHare]

I guess for me it was a comfort thing. I didn't really believe that my feelings for him were real, or that it is possible to be in love with someone I have never held. The meeting kind of solidified everything for us, if that makes sense. Before the visit I used to tell him I wish I knew him "in real life". The physical part of being close to someone (hugging, holding hands, kissing) is very important to me, that's why it was hard for me to acknowledge our relationship before, and a huge struggle to keep it going now.

From being in that situation though, I now understand that yes it is possible to fall for someone you haven't physically met, because as much as I refused to admit it, I did fall for him before our first visit.

My choice of words may have been wrong, with the meet/met. I hope you understand where I'm coming from?

Ah, I see what you mean now. I can understand that to an extent as everyone's different so plenty of people need that physical side to call it real or official or whatever, but it was just the thought that someone can cast aside something because it's not within the 'normal' aspects of a relationship (I'm not really talking about you, just more in general) and then change their mind so drastically for something so simple just didn't seem to compute with me.