i can't decide on whether or not to tell him :S

[Shana]

We've been together for a year and two months now;we lived together till last August when he had to go back home upon completion of school.I was never bothered about the distance till we started fighting about little stuff. I started thinking that the distance was probably changing his feelings for me bt i never gave it too much attention.A week after his birthday we had another fight and he jumped readily to a conclusion that we break up! I was soo hurt soo i decided to go see my best friend who happens to be a guy!Things turned out bad: before i realised i was having sex with my best friend. Two days after the break up, my...do i call him ex? comes back and we get back together but i can't tell him i had sex with my best friend! Because i know he will never forgive me!!!!!and that will be the end of our relationship!Am soo scared and confused right now. Can anyone help me?

[Satchmo]

Oh jeez!

I think it's natural to seek comfort in others when we're hurting, and especially feeling lonely, but it still doesn't excuse what you did. Put yourself in his shoes, would you want to know? Could you forgive him?

Lying isn't going to do anything but potentially cause more problems. You'll constantly feel guilt, which you will most likely project into fights or your own insecurities about him. You made a mistake and I think you have to fess up to it. If he loves you he might (in a very weird way) understand and want to work through this. However be prepare to sever ties with this "best friend".

Do you really love your "ex"? I think maybe you need to also sit back and really think about where your head is at. Maybe there is a deeper meaning to why this has happened!

Hope it all works out for you Shana!!!

[blankita719]

Maybe I am misreading here, but you were not together at the time you had sex with your best friend, right?

I know to some people that won't make a difference, but I think there is a line there. When you're looking for comfort after a break up, things can happen. If you're looking long term with your boyfriend, I would discuss it with him. Yes, he may be hurt and upset, but if you really love each other then you should be able to try and work through it. And again, remind him that at the time of this, the two of you were not together. He may ask that you not see your best friend anymore. Honestly, if I were in that position, I would feel the same way. I wish you luck no matter what decision you make.

[Shana]

thankx soo much Satchmo! the thing is i really love my boyfriend and that's making me soo scared of losing him! But anytime i speak to him on skype and look him in the face and say the words 'I LOVE U baby' i feel horrible and guilty cus i know am hiding something from him.And this is killing me

[Shana]

@Blankita,yes we were not together at the time it happened bt we broke up for just two days soo i dont think that will be an excuse! i know the right thing to do is to tell him cus we intend to get engaged in July, soo i guess i cant keep it for long!but what if he calls the engagement off? what if he never forgives? losing him is like losing everything.i've never loved anyone soo much in my entire life

[blankita719]

Ok, I hate to play the whole age thing because I know that others don't always take this well, but you are 21. Part of owning up to this, will be the chance that he may not forgive you. If that does happen, I know that seems like the end of the world right now, but it truly won't be. Yes, you will hurt and be sad and depressed but you will continue to live, and meet other people and love again. I'm 32 and been through enough heartache to know that if it didn't last, it wasn't meant to.

But that's taking the negative side of that. If you truly love each other, and are committed to working things out then it is entirely possible to do so. It takes a lot of work when someone feels that the trust is broken. And being apart isn't an excuse, it just is what it is, and a factor in the choice that you made by having sex with your friend.

[LadyMarchHare]

There is no excuse in the world to hide that sort of thing from him. "Technically" you were not together at the time, but you didn't go to this friend just for casual sex or anything, you went because you were upset over the break-up, meaning you were still emotionally involved enough that it's an issue. The one thing you never, NEVER do in a time of crisis is run to a male friend I don't care if they're the ONLY friend you have, because I've seen enough people fall into that trap of comfort-turned-opportunity-sex and not only does it complicate your relationship, it complicates the friendship. You lost control, as blankita said it's time to own up to it.

There is a good chance your boyfriend will be mad, hell he may leave you again on the premise he thinks you're easy now, but I'd rather I find out my man stuck himself in another girl as soon as possible than 6 months or 6 years down the line. The longer you carry that lie, the worse the reaction's gonna be. Chances are this whole mess just started on the impulse of negative feelings and the ignorant belief that if you two were broken up it wouldn't hurt so much. You can't jump to conclusions, you can't just make split-second decisions, and most of all you can't play the on-again off-again game because then your relationship will sit in a stalled car and never move.

Talk it out like you're adults, no name-calling, finger-pointing, or whining. The sooner you can say "hey I screwed up I regret this, I want this to work" and make him see you're sincere, then you can get on the right path and learn to deal with the frustrations of physical distance so that there's no repeat of this.

[BabyGund]

I responded to your blog post on this.


ETA: I'm going to disagree with LMH on this and here's why...

What is your reasoning for telling your SO? Is it REALLY honesty or for you not to be burdened with guilt? Because sometimes that guilt is mixed with hurt/revenge....you telling him "gets back" at him in some way. I agree with what acroush said on the blog - if the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to be told or would you want ignorant bliss?

Under the circumstances, I would want ignorant bliss. And it's not like I haven't kinda been there - I was intimate with a male best friend in the early stages of the relationship with my now ex-H. We agreed we were better friends than lovers and to not tell my ex-H and we never did.

[Shana]

BG:After the incident i felt really devastated,and the 1st thing that came to my mind was my BF even though we had split up.For my best friend,we are cool but things are not like before. My Bf and i promised each other not to keep any secret no matter how bad it is and soo i owe dat to him!But seeing the pain and hurt it will cause him breaks my heart! not to talk of the TRUST

[MrsExPrez]

I wouldn't tell him. I agree with BG.

If he came to you and said he slept with some girl for the same one day you were broken up, how would you feel? I mean sure, we would all like to believe we would be forgiving and understanding and trusting.. but.. how does the relationship deal with that after that? Aren't you going to wonder if he still talks to the girl? If he will do it again? etc.

That is just my opinion. But, like other people said as well, if you really feel like it is important that you tell him, then that is your choice, and all you can do is hope that it works out. And if it doesn't, you will be okay.

[BabyGund]

BG:After the incident i felt really devastated,and the 1st thing that came to my mind was my BF even though we had split up.For my best friend,we are cool but things are not like before. My Bf and i promised each other not to keep any secret no matter how bad it is and soo i owe dat to him!But seeing the pain and hurt it will cause him breaks my heart! not to talk of the TRUST

There are consequences no matter what your decision. You have you own moral code. My moral code may be a bit more lax than yours. Ultimately you have to do what is right for you. As I said on the blog, it may not be the BEST decision, but that would be MY decision. As I've gotten older, the world is much more shades of gray to me than black and white.

[LadyMarchHare]

I responded to your blog post on this.


ETA: I'm going to disagree with LMH on this and here's why...

What is your reasoning for telling your SO? Is it REALLY honesty or for you not to be burdened with guilt? Because sometimes that guilt is mixed with hurt/revenge....you telling him "gets back" at him in some way. I agree with what acroush said on the blog - if the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to be told or would you want ignorant bliss?

Under the circumstances, I would want ignorant bliss. And it's not like I haven't kinda been there - I was intimate with a male best friend in the early stages of the relationship with my now ex-H. We agreed we were better friends than lovers and to not tell my ex-H and we never did.

Ignorance isn't exactly bliss if it ends up bothering the person hiding it regardless of their reasoning. Yes it's not exactly cheating because they were split up, but the reason behind that little bed romp was still over them breaking up and their problems. I doubt she would have hopped in the bed with her best friend if things had broken cleanly, the entire situation reeks of advantage sex, seizing a moment of weakness and high emotions and turning that need for comfort into the further need of physical comfort.

To me, the whole break up wasn't exactly one it was a fight and frustration getting too high for a couple of young people inexperienced with the situation they were in and everything got shot to hell. When you're still emotionally invested in that person, when you're still thinking of them, you're really not apart especially if the other side feels the same way to say "okay look, let's try again." Like I said, stuff like this happens, people screw up, but if you ask me it's a great big glob of spit in that guy's face if nobody says anything. It's an issue, obviously, otherwise the thread wouldn't be here and if it's an issue it needs discussing. I'd rather know and learn to deal with it and get over it than never know and have a skeleton in the closet I can't see.

Maybe it's easier to just let bygones be that and sweep this under the rug, but who said a relationship's easy? Who said love was easy?

[BabyGund]

OK I guess this is where my jadedness comes in...

I doubt she would have hopped in the bed with her best friend if things had broken cleanly, the entire situation reeks of advantage sex, seizing a moment of weakness and high emotions and turning that need for comfort into the further need of physical comfort.

Not necessarily...Shana very easily could have had some sort of anger/revenge on her mind at that time and as soon as the deed was done, regretted it. I'm not saying she did or has or what. It could have been exploitive by the male BFF, but she could have very easily stopped it as well. That needs to be explored.

I understand your opinion, LMH. You would want to know and deal with it....but if it's a skeleton you never know about, then you never have a reason to react or deal with it. You never know and the relationship continues as usual. It's really a case of "what you do know won't hurt you." My question is: is it worth putting your loved one through unnecessary pain and hurt just to clear your guilty conscience?

If this was an ongoing affair, I'd think differently. But a one night stand in the midst of such confusion? Nah. I just don't understand why one would unnecessarily hurt the one they love over a momentary lapse in judgement. But then again, that's MY moral code.

Shana, again you have to decide what YOUR moral code is. If that code includes not keeping secrets, not matter what, then it sounds like you need to tell your SO, take your lumps and learn a valuable lesson. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, as it is. Or you can decide your code shifts. I'm not saying you're a bad person no matter what. But you have to make the decision that makes it easier for you to sleep at night. All we can do is tell you what WE would do, based on our own moral codes.

Maybe it's easier to just let bygones be that and sweep this under the rug, but who said a relationship's easy? Who said love was easy?

True, but why make it harder?

[LadyMarchHare]

I can see your point, BabyGund, but I have a seriously strong standing against playing the 'ignorance is bliss' card due to a personal experience that, I feel, has ultimately made me a stronger person for knowing and dealing with the pain on a daily basis even if it took me almost 14 years to get that 'skeleton' out the closet. It wasn't a relationship issue like this and was a bigger deal in the end, but I still stay with my opinion.

In the end this screw up is being treated like the end of the world has come for her, and it's not. Again I will say it's technically not a cheating incident, but whatever her reasoning for bedding the friend it's taking its toll on her enough that she's asked for help and if it's bothering her to that degree it may affect her relationship to keep it. We don't know the guy, he may forgive her and work things out or yeah he could walk away with the mindset that she's loose in the britches, but to me owning up to a mistake you obviously would go back and change if you could is better than saying "well it was just once and it wasn't with a stranger and we weren't together at the time..." It's excuse making.

You can't hide things from people to spare feelings, you can't lie to save a relationship. Yeah ultimately it's her choice and she has to decide on her own whether or not the beans gets spilled and she could have an entirely different outlook on this than either of us, but hey, you ask for an opinion you get one. I'm not the type to sugar-coat anything, I'm not the type to hide. You're different than I am, you have a different set of beliefs and you stick to 'em so long as, in the end, they work for you. Don't fix what ain't broke.

[Trethsparr]

You can't hide things from people to spare feelings, you can't lie to save a relationship.

^This. I believe strongly that a healthy relationship can't truly thrive if there's deception, even if it's lying by omission. There's no guarantee, either, that what's currently a secret would remain a secret indefinitely. To have any hope of rebuilding trust, I believe it's best to deal with this issue sooner rather than later, as the longer time goes on, the more pain the revelation would cause at a later date.