i can't decide on whether or not to tell him :S

[lyalllycan]

I've actually been cheated on in an LDR and speaking from personal experience I think you should tell him because while learning that you were cheated on is one of the worse feelings in the world, its better to know then to forever hold that ugly secret and again speaking from experience if he truly loves he will be mad at first but only because he loves you so much and while at first it'll be tough fresh wounds and all but over time things will heal and hopefully he'll forgive that mistake because your only human and we all screw up every now and then and often times the stinkiest shit makes the best fertilizer and I think the same holds true for the roses of love if you and him can move past this with time it'll just make your relationship that much stronger.

[OliveOyl]

dont say anything. it was YOUR mistake and YOU have to take the consequences for your actions. Telling him will only help you feel better. I think carrying the burden is kind of like the punishment in a way, no? Definitely I wouldnt say anything.

[LadyMarchHare]

dont say anything. it was YOUR mistake and YOU have to take the consequences for your actions. Telling him will only help you feel better. I think carrying the burden is kind of like the punishment in a way, no? Definitely I wouldnt say anything.

So he doesn't deserve the common courtesy of the truth? Not telling him is the equivalent of covering your own ass when you screw up. There is no way that telling him is going to absolve her to the point she feels completely better, but I know it's a better feeling than holding it in and letting that can of worms open itself somewhere down the road and getting a worse reaction. "Kind of like the punishment in a way"? I'm sorry, are we all to become masochists if we screw up now? Yes let's ALL hold in our wrong doings and let it burden us because that's obviously more sensible than trying to move on from it by admitting we made a mistake.

[garnet]

He deserves the truth. He deserves the full story, so he can make his half of a real decision as to your future together.

Good grief I can't believe it is being suggested that the OP keep it to herself. How would you all feel in his shoes? Ignorance is not bliss in these situations! Double that if he finds out down the line.

[BabyGund]

He deserves the truth. He deserves the full story, so he can make his half of a real decision as to your future together.

Good grief I can't believe it is being suggested that the OP keep it to herself. How would you all feel in his shoes? Ignorance is not bliss in these situations! Double that if he finds out down the line.

I've stated that if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't want to know. A one-night stand goof? After we just had an argument? Meh. Why tell me? What purpose does it serve to hurt me unnecessarily to absolve his guilty conscience? None. I'd be more mad that he told me, then the actual transgression.

I worry more about The Boy having an ongoing affair behind my back and deciding to leave me for her. That's what I worry about.

[garnet]

The OP did not state (at least that I saw) if this was even safe sex that she engaged in. What if it wasn't? Does her bf still not have a right to know?

BabyGund, it almost sounds as though your bf has a little too much freedom if he could get away with things like this and you would be happiest going on your merry way, never the wiser. You would be worried he would leave you for an ongoing affair? Shouldn't you be glad to be rid of the loser that would cheat on you?

Anyway back to the OP, this was SEX. Not a friendly soothing peck that turned into too much of a kiss. This is as physically as close as two people can get. It's a big deal. Maybe you could get away with it. But wouldn't you rather your man be with you knowing the whole story? Not have him with you based on lies by omission?

[BabyGund]

BabyGund, it almost sounds as though your bf has a little too much freedom if he could get away with things like this and you would be happiest going on your merry way, never the wiser. You would be worried he would leave you for an ongoing affair? Shouldn't you be glad to be rid of the loser that would cheat on you?

Of course he has freedom; what am I supposed to do, attach him to my hip 24/7? A momentary lapse of reason doesn't mean he's a "loser who would cheat on me." An ongoing sexual and/or emotional relationship with someone else would make him a "loser who would cheat on me." That doesn't mean I wouldn't mourn the loss of the relationship.

I have enough faith in The Boy and myself that this wouldn't happen. I won't say it would never happen - but since we have BOTH been on the receiving end of cheating spouses (not one night stands, but ongoing affairs), we would think twice before crossing the line, one night or otherwise.

YMMV = your mileage may vary.

[Silviar]

I think some people may have misunderstood - the OP did state that they were broken up at the time she went to her friend and had sex. I just wanted to make sure I pointed that out - she didn't cheat no her boyfriend, he dumped her and later got back with her.

OP, I know this is a hard decision, and I wish you the best of luck. What is morally right for you - whether you consider it cheating or not given that you were single at the time you had sex, whether you think he'd want to know, all of the potential issues that could come out of it - are all things that will have to weigh into your decision. Although I do believe we have the right to keep some things private about ourselves if we choose not to share with a partner, I certainly can't say if this is something you should keep private. Only you know the dynamics of your relationship.

I hope whatever you decide that you've learned something from this, and I hope that you'll get yourself tested for any STD's if you didn't have protected sex.

Good luck.

[iisa]

Hey, I'm new here but I'd like to say that if you're serious about this boyfriend of yours I think you should tell him. From personal experience truth will ALWAYS come out especially if it's something like this. If you don't tell him now and he finds out about it later it will hurt him even more than it will if you tell him now. Well, that's at least my opinion. I believe that not telling your partner when you've messed up is deceiving which is worse than lying. But it's your call. I hope you all the best! (:

[Gelfling]

One of the reasons I believe that my SO might be "The One" is because this is the first relationship where I can tell him anything. Not that I do-- he doesn't need to hear the full details of my menstrual cycle, for instance-- but I have figured out that if I am waffling about whether to tell him or not, things will work out better if I do tell him. I don't think it's fair to let people make decisions based on inaccurate information, for one thing.

Best case scenario, you tell him, the two of you talk about it, maybe he takes a few days or so coming to grips with this (and this time you /don't/ sleep with anyone else), and your relationship becomes stronger for having gone through this trial. Worst case scenario, you tell him and he ends it, you'll be a little bit sadder and a lot wiser and more prepared to maintain the next awesome relationship. (And really, that's probably not the worst case scenario. The worst is if you don't tell him, you end up 'smaller' and more secretive and he wonders where the girl he fell in love with went, and so now he's bitter and cranky and you're both miserable but by now you're married with kids and there's no easy solution so either you let inertia keep you going in a terrible relationship or you divorce and now you have to balance custody arrangements on top of everything else.)

Also: Testing. Shoot, even if you did have safer sex, test anyway. No sense in being cavalier about the health of someone you love, much less your own.

[OliveOyl]

So he doesn't deserve the common courtesy of the truth? Not telling him is the equivalent of covering your own ass when you screw up. There is no way that telling him is going to absolve her to the point she feels completely better, but I know it's a better feeling than holding it in and letting that can of worms open itself somewhere down the road and getting a worse reaction. "Kind of like the punishment in a way"? I'm sorry, are we all to become masochists if we screw up now? Yes let's ALL hold in our wrong doings and let it burden us because that's obviously more sensible than trying to move on from it by admitting we made a mistake.

as far as i am concerned they were broken up, initiated by him. therefore, she is free to do whom/whatever she wants. there is no common courtesy at that point which he deserves. she can easily forgive herself for what she did and eventually get over it, but I would probably thing twice definitely about keeping the "best friend" around in the relationship, for sure. Because I think that is a bit tainted at this point.

I dont think any of us are right or wrong about what to do, i definitely think it is a personal decision and I agree both will have good and bad consequences, but I am just simply stating what I would do in the situation. If he broke up with me, and I slept with someone else, I would maybe feel guilty, but eventually I would get over it because Im guessing if he hadnt broken me, I would have never slept with anyone in the first place. :-\ However, she just needs to seriously think about what she feels she needs/wants to do, because I dont think any of us have the right/wrong answer....

I am so sorry, I know this is not a funny subject, but I was always on team Ross during the Rachel and Ross cheating fiasco on FRIENDS.

[LadyMarchHare]

as far as i am concerned they were broken up, initiated by him. therefore, she is free to do whom/whatever she wants. there is no common courtesy at that point which he deserves. she can easily forgive herself for what she did and eventually get over it, but I would probably thing twice definitely about keeping the "best friend" around in the relationship, for sure. Because I think that is a bit tainted at this point.

I dont think any of us are right or wrong about what to do, i definitely think it is a personal decision and I agree both will have good and bad consequences, but I am just simply stating what I would do in the situation. If he broke up with me, and I slept with someone else, I would maybe feel guilty, but eventually I would get over it because Im guessing if he hadnt broken me, I would have never slept with anyone in the first place. :-\ However, she just needs to seriously think about what she feels she needs/wants to do, because I dont think any of us have the right/wrong answer....

I don't consider this a cheating subject either, but it's just my thought that he should be alerted that, while they were apart, there was someone else in the picture even just for random sex. I've known people who break up and get back together and tell each other whether they were dating others inbetween then and now and how far they went, because they felt the other person should know regardless of reasoning. And you're right, nobody's wrong or right here with their sides as really it could go either way, but it still is a pretty hefty subject regardless so people are gonna stand their ground.

My opinion on the friend is if this wasn't an act of 'vengeance' on her part, that guy needs to be dropped like it's hot because that's taking advantage of a vulnerable person and using their bad state for your own wants. Manipulation, basically. Even if that wasn't the case, you can't fuck'n run then expect things to be hunky dory like it never happened. Sex is a big deal, especially when you know the person you had a one-nighter with.

But yeah, nobody here has the surefire, cure-all answer. We just have opinions and ones that are clashing a bit here on the basis of who considers what right and who considers what wrong. Ask one person for help, you get one opinion. Ask a few dozen women and a hand full of men theirs, you're getting a laundry list.

[OliveOyl]

Ask one person for help, you get one opinion. Ask a few dozen women and a hand full of men theirs, you're getting a laundry list.

haha so truuuuue!!!

see, i think its just inappropriate to keep people around that you've had sex with. :-P that sounds like a whole other topic though

[lucybelle]

My current SO and I were in an open relationship. We agreed to see other people for physical reasons but to not disclose information with the other. And although this differs a bit, I suggest not saying anything unless he asks.

@OliveOyl-- totally reminded me of Friends too!!!

[LadyMarchHare]

My current SO and I were in an open relationship. We agreed to see other people for physical reasons but to not disclose information with the other. And although this differs a bit, I suggest not saying anything unless he asks.

@OliveOyl-- totally reminded me of Friends too!!!

To be fair, an open relationship means both sides agree to seeing others outside the relationship and if done right can live without knowing who they went off with so long as they're clean in terms of STDs. This situation is a far contrast as they were not together, for one, and it was a spur of the moment mistake. Not really the same enough to make a comparison.