The little things that drive you crazy...

[LeilaniJoi]

but you don't know what to do about them.

First some background... I came from a long relationship that was basically me having to ask or approach my SO for attention. He never initiated anything and if I was persistent and he was not in the mood I'd get yelled at, or pushed away or told I was being unreasonable. I'm not even talking sex here, that was a whole other issue along those same lines.. but if we were out somewhere and I tried to hold his hand, he would pull away. If I sat next to him on the couch he would get up and move .. he just was not a touchy feely person and I am very much so. I learned it was easier to wall myself off and not ask rather than risk being pushed away or being humored when he wasn't into it.. and so i did to a large degree. i just didn't ask anymore and i was lonely but at least i didn't get hurt anymore. In any case, we split up after a long 12 year relationship when I hugged him one night and he pushed me away.. I realized I was numb and that was the first time it just didnt hurt when he did that. I knew then it was time to leave.. and I did.

Fast forward to now and another realationship between that started out great but was turning into the same kind of thing for alot of reason. I eventually just didn't want him touching me so it was fine but I've carried this problem with expressing a need or a desire taking the initiative to do so. I really struggle with this and I will sit sometimes and just ponder should I even say something as simple as 'i love you' because in my head i'm questioning, what if they aren't in the mood to hear this.. and I say it with a cringe nearly ever time even though I know he loves me and wants to be with me. I always wait for an answer and am happy.. it's worse than a ferakin puppy begging for approval I swear and I hate this about myself, it is something I'm working on but the scars there run pretty deep too.

My SO and I have what I feel is a nice, strong relationship going. We talk alot, daily by voice and text at the least. I am making plans to move closer to him which will help us immensely, i think the biggest stress we have is that we simply want to be there with each other and can't be.. it makes it difficult sometimes. We used to do alot on cam, almost every night usually just hanging out and talking, laughing or just being quiet together but so we could see each other. After we met the first time this kind of slowed down and we figured out it was because we both thought the other needed space. i guess just misreading signals and it took us about a week before we both said hey i miss this, can we do more of this?? We had our second visit and things are still awesome, I love him so much it hurts to be this far away.. but we've had several talks lately about these signals that get misread and how we can avoid them. We both say we want to be closer, don't need space.. love the time on cam etc but he says I need to ask when i want to go on the cam and see him and sometimes when I do it's "we will later" or some other reason and then it just gets lost in whatever else we are doing (we play an online game together as well). I will only ask once.. maybe twice because it is such a struggle for me to ask for something like that not knowing if it's something he wants to do, and if i get put off then it's extremely hard for me to come back later that night and say hey i need this or i want to see you. Yet if I don't then he thinks I don't want it and we are right back to our impasse.

Kind of a long rambling thing to say this really has me down. I miss him so much and love to just sit and see him on cam while we are doing whatever else online or even just hanging watching a movie. How can I get over this or past it or make him understand how hard it is for me to ask for this. And that if he puts me off, even not meaning to or not meaning that he doesn't want to, just other things going on at that time that it's nearly impossible for me to come back and ask again, mainly because in my head I'm thinking ok I spoke, now if he wants this he will step up? I don't want to nag, I don't want to sound whiney and i abhor being needy which i feel like I am alot. he also says he likes clingy and possessive which is good because I definitely have my moments.. but if he says later we'll get on cam and then it doesn't happen it or if i send pictures or texts and get no replies to them it just reinforces these demons i have that say "he is only doing this to humor you" and I'm battling them hard as it is.

Gah i swear i think i need therapy. I know this will be easier closer.. we don't have these problems in person as a look or a touch gets the point across much easier than online crap. I'm so ready to move

[LeilaniJoi]

good lord that's a tome.. apologies

[garnet]

If I'm understanding this right, I can relate, sort of. I was with my ex husband for 14 years, and his coldness also turned me into numbness and walls. Add in some violence, such as, not just pushing me away, but opening a door into my face, or throwing me into a wall/onto the floor, when my goal was a quick hug or something. It went on for years and years. I was not worthy of his time or attention and he never let it be forgotten.

One day, my grandmother died. Same week, my father disowned me. Something in me snapped. I dropped around 80 pounds I'd been holding onto, my husband literally could not hurt me anymore (I had a new ... bubble around me that his harshness bounced off of). My whole world changed. As I was getting happier, he was getting more miserable, until he finally quit hiding the fact that he was screwing a stripper (long story). Finally, I gathered the money, and filed for divorce.

Anyway, I still had my numbness ... and a total disbelief when my then boyfriend was sweet to me, or wanted to spend time with me. I'd pull away... I had huge issues asking for his time. It just sucked.
But it did get better. Slowly. All I can say is that time is the best way to fix things.

[LeilaniJoi]

I'm so sorry to read that. Ours was never physical, just many years of emotional abuse. I don't tend to pull away.. I did for a long time but my SO got past all of those walls when I wasn't looking O.o and he's really good about just hanging onto me if I get skittish about it.. which is what I need. I can't get close enough but if I feel him being distant.. even if he says he's not.. if I *think* he's being distant then i try to pull away and I'm battling that. Bad thing is he tends to shy away a bit too when he perceives me being a bit distant.. and I have to reassure him. I guess.. we both need alot of reassurances.. but are both afraid of being hurt by asking for something and being told no.. if that makes any sense. Mine because of a past relationaship.. his for the same reasons along with some others.

We each are clingy in our own ways and it works well together, but my struggle is staying after him about something I want (cam is an example) when he's a guy and gets side tracked easily and we just dont get back to that some nights... even if it's something he wants as well as much as I do. Anyone have any tricks for getting past this without sounding demanding or like a whiney, sad, pathetic needy creature I feel like i am most of the time?

[roosie]

But it did get better. Slowly. All I can say is that time is the best way to fix things.

So true.. It does get better slowly when you have someone you can trust, someone you know you can talk to about everything without being pushed away, someone who sees you as the amazing person you are. It's a long way and you have to give yourself time to heal. I often feel that way too, afraid of being too clingy because of my previous abusive relationship. I, just like you, have become very sensitive to my SO's moods. If I feel him being distant I get upset and scared because in my mind I go back to those moments in my past when I was being ignored and hurt. Because of my past I'm very good at creating all kinds of scenarios in my head very quickly about him thinking about me being too clingy, him wanting more space etc. even if he is just a little tired and therefore a little quiet. It's hard to get over the fear. I wish I could help you more but all I can say is that be brave enough and talk about your fears. It's the only way to leave them behind. I wish you all the best!

[roosie]

And sorry for not really answering your original question.

[LeilaniJoi]

So true.. It does get better slowly when you have someone you can trust, someone you know you can talk to about everything without being pushed away, someone who sees you as the amazing person you are. It's a long way and you have to give yourself time to heal. I often feel that way too, afraid of being too clingy because of my previous abusive relationship. I, just like you, have become very sensitive to my SO's moods. If I feel him being distant I get upset and scared because in my mind I go back to those moments in my past when I was being ignored and hurt. Because of my past I'm very good at creating all kinds of scenarios in my head very quickly about him thinking about me being too clingy, him wanting more space etc. even if he is just a little tired and therefore a little quiet. It's hard to get over the fear. I wish I could help you more but all I can say is that be brave enough and talk about your fears. It's the only way to leave them behind. I wish you all the best!

omg you just described me to a "T" that's it exactly.. i create all these scenarios in my head when I really should just relax. My guy is naturally quite quiet anyway so you can imagine what I put myself through sometimes.