He lied....twice

[leonsfangirl]

Turns out my So isnt 5 years older than me but 10!
When we met he said he was 2 years older, than last year close to his birthday it turned to 5. I cant understand him not telling me the truth when we first met as he didnt know me, but last year we had been through so much together and im hurt that he couldnt tell me the truth.
He said that he thought that him being that much older than me would put me off and he was up until farely recently insecure about him being "old"
The age gap doesnt bother me in the slightest as it doesnt change who he is, it's the fact he lied twice about it and assummed that it would be a big deal.
Things havent been going too well for us recently either, we keep missing chatting via msn or the phone for various reasons and if im honest ive been feeling pretty neglected.
And now this casts doubt on everything.... is there anything else he's lied to me about or not told me?? or am i just over thinking it??
So confused right now

[snow_girl]

You should have seen my face when i read that first line, It was like watching a soap opera :O
That definitely would put some doubt in my mind about him, is he going to be 15 years older the next time you talk? It seems like such a small thing to lie about but if it is why would he lie about it? I don't really have any advice but trust your gut, if it tells you he's lying about more then just that then you probably have got it right.

[blankita719]

For me, personally, lying is something I can not live with. I was lied to over and over again for almost 8 years in my previous relationship so honesty is a huge deal to me. This is a red flag in my opinion. If he can lie so easily about his age, what else has he lied about? I don't think you are overthinking anything. You're in a LDR - these things are built upon being able to trust one another, so how can you trust someone who isn't honest about who they really are?

[leonsfangirl]

You shouldnt seen mine when i found out! we was talking about grey hair and he said completely off the cuff
"Well, i am nearly 10 years older"
"But im 28, how does that work??? "
"Yeah and im nearly 39"
"you told me you were 33!" Couldnt speak for well over 10 minutes.
He apologised repeatedly and said he felt terrible about it, he explained to me why he did it and i can understand his reasons. I could hear he was pretty upset about it (i honestly thought he was gonna cry more than once)
I even asked if there was an ex-wife/wife/girlfriend/kids anything else i should know and he said no... and i believe him. But it's still thrown a pretty big spanner in the works.... finding it hard to except and move on from.
I love him dearly and really don;t want this to be the end of us.

[Tanja]

I can't really tell what kind of person he is from what you wrote so there's basically 2 options:

1) He lied because he's insecure about his age and was worried that you might not be able to deal with the age gap. Maybe he wanted to wait until you know each other more before telling you so that you would know the real him and wouldn't care about his age. He was afraid of losing you or that you would think differently of him.

2)He didn't wanna tell you cause he thought you'd leave him or wouldn't want to meet him. He thought lying was the best option since it's not a big deal and thought he'll tell you the truth later. Which implies that he could easily keep little (or big) things from you without feeling bad which of course is not acceptable.

Only you really know what kind of person he really is and if he did what he did because he was genuinely worried/scared or because he just doesn't mind keeping things like that from you. I would be confused too but I guess you just gotta talk to him and ask why he did it and ask if there's anything else he hasn't told you. If you can't trust him it's a MAJOR issue in a LDR.

[Rugger]

I agree with what everyone else has said. Trust is the backbone of any relationship, but it's doubly true of LDRs. How can you trust anything he says now?

If I were in your position, I would treat it as if he cheated. He's going to have to rebuild your trust from the ground level up.

[Moon]

I wouldn't end the relationship over this, age is a common insecurity, but I'd be much more cautious for quite a while, and I'd let him know it's going to take awhile for him to gain your full trust back.

[NikkiP]

Ugh. You're not overreacting. From my very personal experience, there is usually more to hide than what you're just now finding out about but only you can make that decision.

Good luck!

[LeilaniJoi]

I dont know the story of how you met your SO but I have to say that online meeting is a bit different because alot of times you meet without any real idea that you will meet in person some day... alot of people make up an online version of themselves that they project and when it comes down to meeting someone they have grown to care about, then crunch time comes and the truth needs to come out.

We had this talk as well, not about age however... the age stuff was right out in the open with a big difference between us and we worked through that early on. Ours was height of all the silly things way early in our relationship and back before we really talked seriously about meeting... my ex is 6'6" and I mentioned this at some point because my SO thought this would be an inssue because he is an inch shorter than me barefoot. His reply to my offering that I was 5'8" was that he could look me in the eye.. I answered with "oh 5'8" as well then?" and he fudged a bit and said that he was 5'9" to my 5'8"..... but it bugged him so much he came back the next day and admitted that 5'9" was with his motorcycle boots on (he never did say it was without the boots) and he was so cute about it and so worried that I would be pissy that I couldn't stay angry about it. Truthfully the height doesn't bother me, he's just right for me but if it had been something major or had gone on for a time.. or if he'd have come back a couple of months later and said he was really 5'3" then I would have had an issue with it.. again not with the height (or age in your case) but for the fact that he was dishonest about it. It would cause doubts with me as well.

How you decide to handle this is up to you, I can see it causing great distrust there for alot of reasons and in alot of areas.

[leonsfangirl]

Thanks all,
This is something i want to work through with him but it's just how we can do that given the situation.

[OliveOyl]

sound super scetchtastik!

[BabyGund]

I suppose I am a very rare bird. This does not upset me for any reason. Many people are self-conscious about their age as they get older. The top 2 things people lie about in online dating is their age and their height/weight.

I think this is being made to be a bigger deal than it is.

[LadyMarchHare]

Gonna mildly agree with BabyGund. By mildly I mean I agree it's not that huge of a deal, but I do think at the same time it is something to be upset over to a degree. Screaming about "I can't trust you now" and blabla is theater-grade dramatics. My SO is going to be 28 in less than a month and treats it like he's turning 60, he's always complaining he's so old and I could find a younger guy and so on. To some people age is a big freaking deal. Chances are he wasn't thinking all that straight when he lied the first time and naturally his story shifted because he forgot what the exact lie was but knew he had to keep himself younger for the sake of keeping you. You said it sounded like he was gonna cry when he admitted the truth to you, to me that shows his intents weren't meant to hurt, just to soothe his battered ego. Unless this guy's got a baby face I doubt he can fake not being almost 40 upon meeting so really this wasn't a full plot. People who you gotta worry about with lying tend to think about all corners of possibility and cover their asses completely. He had one hand over both cheeks.

Take the time to chill and get your mind straight, then talk to him and tell him you don't appreciate being handed white lies like that, or any sort of lie and if you honestly feel it's necessary, have him make it up to you. But seriously, dropping a man because he lied about his age? That's a silly excuse. I've known so many middle aged people who lie about their age just to cling to that last bit of youth, it's not uncommon and it's certainly not killing anyone.

[Caitlin2009]

well for one thing i would defiantly be like O_o and yeah i would be upset as well so your not alone with that and defiently my trust would be broken so it would take awhile for him to get that back, i would keep probing though cause your right what if he's hiding other things and hell you got a right to be suspicous now!

[steph_bballgirl]

i dont like it when people lie to me, especially those closest to me like my SO
if he lied to me about his age, knowing i didnt care that much about the age difference, it would make me very insecure about him and what else he could have possibly lied to me about. its not a good feeling but if i were in that position, i would definitely do some major talking. things clearly need to be cleared up.