Saving money for visits

[Alisz]

I'm not going to be able to talk to him about this for about 9-10 hrs and I've got to tell someone or I'm gonna go crazy...

The past few days I've been feeling extremely fatigued. I probably caught some bug or not getting enough of some nutrient. Who knows? But this paired with his crazy schedule (driving everyone around plus working) has only allowed us 30-60 min to talk each night at really late hours for me. Needless to say I haven't been as attentive lately.

He's been talking about buying a console. I think it would be fun as I have one too and we could play on it together through wi-fi. But then the price of it could pay for one visit here. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I mean, I'm guilty of this too. I buy things here and there (not worth that much though, between $20-80) that I don't really need and could probably go towards a trip. On the flip side, he won't let me help pay for his trip. Because of the situation it's better for him to visit me first. My family isn't convinced about us and meeting him will help. Even though I'm an adult, taking off to go see him won't sit well with a few family members. We want things to go right. So, I'm left waiting for him to gather the money to come here.

He really wants this though... Except I think a little bit of it is peer pressure. His reasoning for getting it is, "Everyone has one." I guess his co-workers are pressuring him to get one to play games with them and he knows I have one too. But I also know he really wants to come visit too. I honestly don't think he's put the two together. That a $300 console could also be a $300 plane ticket.

I just don't know what to think about it or if I should mention it. I don't want to be in any way controlling. Like I said, it's his money and he can do what he wants with it. But I suppose I feel a bit upset that our visit may be delayed again. The first couple times were understandable. He was laid off and then there was moving. But now... I'm not sure I quite understand.

[Micah]

Money is always a touchy subject with couples. I would be upset too, but I never have told my SO how to spend his money because I don't feel like it's my place. Also, I wouldn't want him doing that to me. I think the best you can do without being controlling about it is just continually express your interest in meeting him and see what the status is. If he mentions that the only barrier is money, perhaps that would be a good opportunity to bring up the game console situation. After the discussion, maybe his priorities will align in your favor and he will decide the console can wait.

[nicole]

I'd maybe sit down with him and actually tell him your thoughts, and give him the option- he might not have thought about it. I'd say something along the lines of "I'm in no way telling you how to spend your money, but I want to put this out there" Say it would be fun to be able to play together online, it would actually be a great way to bond and spend more time together, but you also thought the money could be spent on a visit too. There are pros to each option. It might be just a case of prioritizing which one he gets first. Like, if he got a plane ticket now, on his return he could save up for the console or Vice Versa; I don't think it has to be an either/or thing, both will happen eventually, it's just a matter of planning ahead.

[Silviar]

I understand how you feel, trust me. With tickets for my SO and I costing at best $1200, sometimes I reconsider that lunch out or new whatever I want to purchase and think "Do I really need this? Can I get it cheaper?"

However, I think it's important that we spend money for fun and for visits. It's hard to balance life and being happy away from our SO's while having money for going on trips. I would bring it up carefully, because money can be VERY sensitive for some people, but it's something you as a couple should be able to discuss frankly as well. I'd ask him along the lines of what nicole suggested - because she's right, he could buy a ticket and then save for the console. In the end, however, how he chooses to prioritize his spending money is his choice.

[Alisz]

Thanks guys. ^^

Yeah, I never saw it as an either or decision. I suppose I'm a bit hurt because we've been waiting all this time to see each other and the main obstacle has been money. When he got this job he told me that since he doesn't have as many bills to pay the extra money could go towards a visit. The console kinda came out of the blue since he's mostly been against it in the past.

He did bring it up in a serious tone (the purchasing a console), so I'm not sure if that was what he had in mind. Like he was seeing if I was ok with it. Except I was kinda out of it and just wanted to rest. Only today did I have the clarity of mind to think about it.

I do think it'd be fun and it would give us more things to do. Except I really would rather see him than play more video games with him right now... I'll talk to him about it when he has the time and take your advice Nicole and bring up visiting rather than the console. Hopefully he'll put the two together. I just hope I don't come across that I don't want him to buy it or make him feel bad if that's what he chooses...

I actually don't think I'd care as much if we'd already met. But I've been getting increasingly antsy and I just want to see him. Like I said, this job and everything was going to allow him to be able to get money together to visit. So, it's like thisclose to happening and then he tells me he wants to buy a console. :/

[nicole]

Thanks guys. ^^

Yeah, I never saw it as an either or decision. I suppose I'm a bit hurt because we've been waiting all this time to see each other and the main obstacle has been money. When he got this job he told me that since he doesn't have as many bills to pay the extra money could go towards a visit. The console kinda came out of the blue since he's mostly been against it in the past.

He did bring it up in a serious tone (the purchasing a console), so I'm not sure if that was what he had in mind. Like he was seeing if I was ok with it. Except I was kinda out of it and just wanted to rest. Only today did I have the clarity of mind to think about it.

I do think it'd be fun and it would give us more things to do. Except I really would rather see him than play more video games with him right now... I'll talk to him about it when he has the time and take your advice Nicole and bring up visiting rather than the console. Hopefully he'll put the two together. I just hope I don't come across that I don't want him to buy it or make him feel bad if that's what he chooses...

I actually don't think I'd care as much if we'd already met. But I've been getting increasingly antsy and I just want to see him. Like I said, this job and everything was going to allow him to be able to get money together to visit. So, it's like thisclose to happening and then he tells me he wants to buy a console. :/

aaw it is totally understandable you want to see him and he has the means to visit, of course you'd be feeling "No console! I want a visit"! I think so long as you approach it in a neutral, reasonable manner, and put the idea in his head, he will be reasonable about it too. Money is a sketchy issue, so I'd advise just try to be mindful to tread carefully. I know I have to have a financial discussion with my SO this week (different issue), and I'm trying not to be too pushy about it. But sometimes, it's important to approach it, like I think this is for you. Good luck anyway!

[Alisz]

Yeah, I tend to not bring money issues up because it can be a sensitive subject for a lot of people. I know he's been struggling, so I also try not to push the visit. I did bring it up though. He didn't have a lot of time to talk, but I thought it might be good so while he's gone for a couple hours he could maybe think about it. He said (like I suspected) it's just getting the money. And that there are some big expenditures coming up that need to be taken care of. There was no mention of the console though. :/ I didn't bring it up and left it at aiming for an end of summer visit. But from the impression he gave me it was that he couldn't really afford a console, so I'm a bit confused. I'm not sure how to approach things. I hate talking about money... I know he always wants to know how I'm feeling. I'll probably tell him later how the console stuff has made me feel when he's got more time to sit down and talk. Ugh, I just worry he might take it the wrong way.

[Zephii]

While money is a sensitive topic.. one day if all goes well you's will have a combined stash, and you'll need to know how to talk about money together. May as well get some practice right?