So sick and tired

[Pisces]

of being depressed. I can’t go more than a day or two without getting myself into a deep rut that I can’t seem to find a way out of. I don’t know what’s causing it either. It could be my SO, it could just be me, it could be school, I don’t know. I’ve tried everything I can think of to stay happy, but none of it has worked for long in the past few months this has been going on. I’ll get depressed, go to a friend for help, and just end up fighting with them. My SO has tried to get through to me, but even he can’t break the cycle. This has been going on for a few months now, and the only thing that can make me happy is my SO, but he’s not always around. I can’t make myself happy, and I can’t keep myself happy, and its screwing me over. I can’t focus on my school work, my grades slip, I don’t talk to the people I’ve been friends with for years, I just curl up in a ball and withdraw into myself until I can stand it to get up and walk around a bit.

You would think, with this going on for months, I might have sought help earlier. Truth is, I wish I would have, but I waited too long and now everything is going to shit. My SO is getting himself a full time job, which is great an all, but that also means we can’t do audio. At all. He can only do audio when his step-dad isn’t home, but with this job, he’ll be working the exact same hours on the exact same days as his step dad. He needs a job, we both know that, but he’s the only thing that can keep me consistently happy. I’ve tried to tell myself that I don’t need him to be happy, and it worked for a few days, but even that plan crumbled. On top of that, even if he doesn’t end up liking the job and doesn’t take it, I’ll be back to work in a couple months for the summer, and living at home, so I won’t have a connection that supports any of the pass times we both enjoy (gaming, particularly).

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know if my relationship with my SO is helping me or hurting me. I don’t know how to keep myself happy. I don’t even know if I really can be happy (never truly was before, until my SO). I just don’t know. I can’t go to my friends, because I’ll just end up arguing with them, and few (if any) really understand what goes through my head. I can’t go to my SO because I’d just end up hurting him because we both know, if he were here, he’d hold me in his arms and I’d just forget about it all, but he’s not here and he can’t help me in the way we both want.

I’m lost, tired, confused, and angry.

This turned out a little more ramble/rant-ish than I had hoped, but there was a lot on my chest, and I needed to just let it go.

[kiara_silver]

Im sorry your going through a rough patch in your life. I have been through this. With no job, all my friends in a town away i was depressed alot. And i would say i don't know what to do and just let self pity have me, My SO was pretty much the only one that would make me feel better, but he has a life of his own and can't wait on me 24/7. Even going out with family didn't pull me out of my funk. But in some sense it really is a mind set. You have to focus on yourself and set goals. Keep busy, sounds like your real dependent on your SO (like me) but you have to find a little independence and time to yourself. You need to focus on you and self examine. Find the root of your problem. For me i felt like my life was going no where. So i stopped just moping, and wanting to do things and im doing it, making plans and going for my license planning party with mom. Getting off my bottom and trying for things. You have to make things happen. i think your problem has nothing to do with your SO but more on you, your stuck in a rut, but i hope you get out of it soon.

[acroush]

It is never to late to look for help. There is always someone to talk to and even just talking to someone can help you find out what is really bothering you! and you know there are always friend here that you can talk to

Wishing you the best!

[Jonesonaboat]

I couldn't say it any better than what the other two posters already have.
I really understand what you're going through but only you can pull yourself out of this rut you've got yourself into.

You know, when I had to fly back to the UK and leave me man in Canada I was in pieces, I was a mess. I don't know when I'm going to be with my man again and it was tearing me to bits. But, in the end I just got sick of feeling like that. Time dragged, and it's just not a good place to be in and it's not going to help ANYTHING.

I picked myself up and started working.
I set myself goals.
And I'm planning as many things as I can to keep me busy.

When my man and I skype, instead of talking about how sad we are that we're apart, and how much we miss each other we are concentrating on what we're going to do when we're back together. We've made so many amazing plans (like getting married!) that it makes it so much easier to stay positive. When I start to feel down about stuff I just force myself to push out those thoughts and fill my mind with all these amazing plans that we've got, or even think of new ones, or plan wedding stuff. Whatever works for you, ya know.

Every one has dreams and goals in life.
I'm still young and I've never really set off on anything but I'm just using this time apart as an oppurtunity to get started. I'm getting my drivers licence, enjoying spending time with my friends and family before I move out to Canada with my man, and I'm really trying to work out what I want to do for a career.

Sorry if I'm just rambling on but...I can really connect with this post. But feeling sorry for yourself REALLY doesn't get you anywhere. It really only makes thing worse, you will push people away from you and if I'm honest it sounds like you already are. Take in what people say, get the help you need and turn your life around dude. I don't want to say 'life's too short to waste it', I'd rather say...there's too much to do in one lifetime, so don't waste it locking yourself away from the rest of the world. Get out there and enjoy it.

[Tara_Lynn]

I agree with what everyone else has said, but if you are having such a difficult time I would really recommend seeking out professional help. There is nothing wrong with it. These people are trained to help you, and not only by prescribing medicine (which is needed sometimes, and sometimes not).

I have gone through a severe depression before. In and out of ruts. I blamed myself. I got help. It wasn't exactly what I wanted or needed, but it gave me that push I needed. The kind that it seems you need as well.

I have faith in you! I know you can turn yourself around.

If you need to talk please don't hesitate to PM me!

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with Tara. If this has been ongoing and is honestly affecting you, seek out a professional even if it's just counseling. It gives you someone unbiased to talk to who can't go blabbing whatever you say to friends or the internet, they can suggest ways to help get you back onto a more positive mindset, and it's not forever. I would also second the statement about you sounding very dependent on your SO.

Look, we all love our SOs, we want to be with them as much as we can, but love is never an excuse to stop being a functioning independent individual and rely on them for all your happiness and day to day needs lest you melt into a sulk puddle. You functioned before him, didn't you? You're capable of functioning now. Yes it's hard yes it's not exactly fun but if he can go out and get a job then you can pull yourself out of bed every day and know that even though you two aren't talking as much and he's busy and so on, you love each other and can still be yourselves.

But again, look into therapy of some sort. It won't mean you're weird or psycho or anything. Depression's more common than Starbucks.

[Pisces]

I want to thank everyone for their comments. I don’t know what it was about yesterday, but I just kind’a broke down. I’m feeling a lot better now, and I’m hoping this will continue.

I realized yesterday that I’m far too stubborn for my own good, because most of everything that was said here my friends have told me again and again when I’ve gone to them for help, but I never listened. I always said they didn’t know what it was like, having the love of their life so far away. But the people here do understand, and you have all said the same. I just wish I hadn’t taken this long to actually listen.

I believe one reason I am so dependent on my SO is because I was always so independent before him. I always did things on my own, never asked for help, never wanted help. But now that I no longer have to be that way, I didn’t want to go back. I know I can be me without him around, I just have to remember how. And LadyMarchHare, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the line “you were fine before him, weren’t you?” from both my SO and others XD I really hope this time I take it to heart.

Thank you all again.

[LadyMarchHare]

Everyone has off days, off weeks, off months. Beauty of the human mind, I guess.

And I understand what you mean about hearing your friends say it vs people who can relate in some form. I know I still ask my mom for advice even though she's still stuck in the 60s somewhere (and not the good part of it either) and whether or not she gives me sound advice I just take it with a grain of salt and ask elsewhere anyway. It's like reading Wikipedia, sometimes it's reliable but other times you have to keep Googling to make sure the facts are straight.

It is nice to have someone to depend on, but there is a limit to it. Me, I'm so used to being independent and my SO likes that I am so it's merely extra incentive. But yeah, it's like getting back on a bike after 10 years without one. You get on, fall off, get on again and go a few feet, fall off and scrape a knee, and just keep trying until you've either got it again or hit a parked car. All the same there's nothing wrong with wanting someone to pay attention to you or all of that.