Are white lies ok?

[LittleMissWinter]

What a great first post, huh. Been lurking around here for a while, and this site have been great support I got to say! Now i would just love to get some opinions from someone on the "outside", not our close friends or anything.

My SO and I have been together for 8 months. For 6 months before we got together, he told me he was hopelessly in love with me, and waited for me even though I was negative on the thought of another LDR. He's in England, I'm in Sweden, and I'm honest when I say he's my soul mate. He's the most loving guy I've ever met, and I couldn't picture a life without him.

Now the thing is, it turns out he's been dropping quite a bunch of white lies throughout our relationships. Things about our future (like he wanted to get engaged by next summer, then it turns out he didn't. Or that we could move together this summer, then it turns out he wanted to wait atleast a year.) Or things about his exes. Or simple things like coming along to a rock festival I go to each year, I had been planning for it for months, not the truth comes out that he don't want to come cause he don't like that kinda music.

I don't know if I'm overreacting. His lies about his exes cause me to become sooooo jealous of everything about them and everything they did together. His lies about our future cause me to even wonder if he's sincere when he says he loves me. So I'm wondering, is this kinda behaviour ok? I've tried talking to him about it, and he promised not to lie anymore. But I don't even believe that. I just know I'm an very, very hurt about all of this. Any thoughts? Anyone?

[BabyGund]

OK, this is totally different than lying about your age or weight...These are not white lies, these are serious misrepresentations about who he is and his intentions.

RED FLAG
RED FLAG
RED FLAG

Dump this guy, seriously. This is classic antisocial personality disorder.

[Silencedsongs]

Did he blatantly say he was lying? Or is it more along the lines of maybe he means something when he says it, and later thinks on it and changes his mind?

Regardless, it appears it is something he does frequently, and it's toying with you emotionally and mentally. If you cannot trust his word, even for the smallest of things, then there is a problem.

[blankita719]

Bear in mind, I am projecting a tiny bit here, but little lies for no reason are reason enough for me to go running and screaming in the opposite direction...that's just my personal experience though. I understand when people first get to know each other, they sometimes will "pretend" to be interested in things that the other person likes to get closer to them, but I'm too old for those games anymore.

[lucybelle]

Hmm I wouldn't call those lies "white" at all. I think lying about getting engaged and visits and such are pretty big lies.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to lie about everything. I knew someone who seemed to be a pathological liar. He lied about everything from brain tumors to dating my friend who I could obviously just go and ask if it were true or not. My aunt is like this too and it drives everyone crazy. I'm okay with "admitting truth" not so much lies. I know there's not a huge difference, but don't tell me one thing then renig on it.

I guess the huge difference is if he is PURPOSEFULLY and INTENTIONALLY making these lies, or if he doesn't even know he's lying and actually believes this stuff. Like my aunt is convinced she has brain cancer... *sigh*

I'd talk to him about his lies, and if he doesn't do anything to change, then you might want to rethink some things....

[PucasKitten]

that's a lot of lies :/ and they are not small ones. I would sit down and re-evaluate yalls relationship and make sure nothing else was built on lies. Your best bet would also be talking to him like the others said.

[Deleted Account]

Yeah.. um... those really dont sound like white lies... more like flat out lies...

Sincerity was the main reason why i fell in love with my BF. He hasnt lied to me about a single thing in his life.

Also.. lying is not good. Not even if it means trying to impress someone.. I dont believe in lying if it means to get you some1 the way that your bf seems to be doing with you. Communication is the No.1 most important part of a relationship and lying goes against that communication, because he's not really telling you whats really going on, so you might as well be living a dream. If he doesnt like rock music, he shouldnt feel afraid to tell you, in fact... its pretty important that he tells you, because that helps give u a bigger picture of the kind of guy he is and if he's really meant for you.

When i was little, all my teachers used to say: "Its the little things that matter."

So yeah... he doesnt like rock music and you do.. that might sound little, but him making you believe that he likes it and then tells you that he really doesnt.. is quite a big deal. I wonder whats going to happen with bigger issues like, Getting married, buying a house.. etc..

[LovingHim]

I don't know, my brother is like that, he used to promise his ex-gf everything and she has never got anything. Of course, he loved her, but he also liked to make plans into the future that very unrealistic and he knew that, and then he was making excuses. He is also embellishing the reality about how much he earns, sometimes he tells his friends he is abroad when in fact he sits at home. He is a good person, but he is constantly telling these 'little' lies that don't hurt anyone, but honestly, I don't trust him, I would never let him make an important decision for me.

If I were you, I would tell your SO not to promise something he doesn't even want to do. These half-truths don't make you happy anyway.

[LadyMarchHare]

Hmm I wouldn't call those lies "white" at all. I think lying about getting engaged and visits and such are pretty big lies.

What I'm worried about is that he seems to lie about everything. I knew someone who seemed to be a pathological liar. He lied about everything from brain tumors to dating my friend who I could obviously just go and ask if it were true or not. My aunt is like this too and it drives everyone crazy. I'm okay with "admitting truth" not so much lies. I know there's not a huge difference, but don't tell me one thing then renig on it.

I guess the huge difference is if he is PURPOSEFULLY and INTENTIONALLY making these lies, or if he doesn't even know he's lying and actually believes this stuff. Like my aunt is convinced she has brain cancer... *sigh*

I'd talk to him about his lies, and if he doesn't do anything to change, then you might want to rethink some things....

Gonna second this. Those aren't white lies, those are just straight up lies and considering their frequency that's pretty unhealthy. Everyone lies at some point, whether it's to make someone feel better or embellish/stretch the truth, or to cover something up. But when you do it with such frequency and with such things as engagement promises, then it becomes detrimental to the relationship in a huge way. Trust is key in any relationship, namely a LDR because really all you have to go by are what they say and promise and when it all comes up false, how can you expect to trust them at all? At this point I'd question him even if he said the sky was blue.

It does sound like he could be a pathological liar or just a very impulsive one, but in the end what to call this behavior doesn't matter. What matters is that he stops before he creates some falsehood that hurts you too much to forgive. Though I will second blankita's sentiment of getting the hell out of Dodge when it comes to people like that. You can't ever be sure if they've changed unless you become some brand of nosy/paranoid and background check every sentence that comes out his mouth and then you've got a problem yourself. Vicious cycle.

[Zephii]

a large number of people will lie early on in a relationship because they are scared or want to impress the other person or whatever, I actually feel that's rather common and I let it slide. But when it continues for months... yeah, red flag. Lying of any kind is not ok. Ever. Anyway you can talk to him about it and let him know bluntly that you're not shallow enough to leave him because he doesn't like the same music or he isn't ready to jump into the relationship with both feet but you can't maintain an equal healthy relationship with someone who lies constantly.

Lies are almost addictive. They are too easy. Sometimes they slip out and then you've said it and you don't want to look like a fool and take it back. It's a difficult habit to break. But that doesn't make it ok, so don't put up with it.

Welcome to the forum

[Rosebud]

Umm, maybe I'm looking at this from another angle, but I wouldn't be TOO concerned about this just yet. Yes, those first couple things you mentioned are BIG stes in your guys' future, but did you ever stop to think that maybe, when he told you his plans for them, he really did 100% believe it could happen? Who says he was intentionally lying to you when he said them? Maybe he honestly really DID hope to plan to propose or move in with you when he said them, then as time went on and he cooled down from the heat of the situation, took a step back and realized just how far apart you are, just what those actions would entail, it occured to him that in order for it to really work it might take some further time to actually get there.

I don't think it's really fair for everyone to jump on the wagon of assuming he's some type of pathological liar. Sometimes people say things with the absolute best of intentions and really DO wish and intend for it to happen but real life gets in the way. Getting engaged and moving across the world are huge decisions that perhaps he said he wanted to happen in the heat of the moment. And about the concert, you say you guys have only been together for 8 months? And yet you've been planning this concert for months? Is it not possible he said he wanted to go with you since you were at the start of your relationship and he wanted to do anything with you to make you happy, but now that you two have been together for awhile he feels more comfortable telling you it's not is style of music.

I can completely understand why these things are important and you SHOULD talk to him about it, but I don't think it's as huge a deal as everyone as making it out to be. He just needs to be more realistic in what he promises it sounds like ad be aware that it really hurts you.

[iloveacarpenter]

Totally agree with Rosebud. Don't assume he's lying to hurt you. He could be completely intentional about what he says and not realize that his intentions are not realistic. My boyfriend and I went through a similar situation. He agreed to marry me in a year then when we were finished visiting and i got back to school, he took back what he said. I was really hurt, but he didn't intentionall try to lie to me--he was sincere in the moment.

In regards to the concert, idealization is a huge issue in LDRs. Recognize this. He may have been trying to impress you, make you happy, etc. Totally normal.

Definitely talk to him---tell him how much he hurts you when he recounts what he has previously said. He may think that its not a big deal, but to you it is and you need to let him know honestly. If it continues, there may be other problems, but you can go from there. Don't blow it out of proportion initially. Look into it, talk about it.

Best of luck to you.

[mrkent]

I agree with lucybelle... sometimes omitting the whole truth is acceptable. For example, my girl called me about a month ago and told me that her ex and had contacted her and tried to play the, "I miss you and I want to come in see you" nonsense with her. Her reasoning behind telling me was because of how she responded to him, she told him that he had his chance, that she is finally in the relationship that she deserves and that he should not contact her in the future. Of course his response to that was, "he doesn't need to know" She was so proud of how she handled herself and in a way it helped her to see just how good I am for her and how happy she is with me.

All I heard was, "my ex called and wanted to hook up" Now, again her intentions were good, she was trying to deliver a positive message... mind you my girl is cut from a different cloth but that is one of the reasons I love her so... in her way, she was trying to be sweet.

If she would have called and just said, "hey you know what, something happened today that reminded me of how lucky I am to have you in my life" the same message would have been delivered and I wouldn't have had to sit here 850 miles away wondering why dudes are calling trying to "hook up" with her.

I don't know if it would be considered a white lie to leave out the part about the ex calling or not but I could have done just fine without knowing.